Health: Today, I burned my butt on the heater when I tried to warm up... - FML

By anonymous - 12/03/2012 08:03 - United States

Today, I burned my butt on the heater when I tried to warm up after my shower. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 645

You deserved it 27 439

Contact tracing

My booze

Going swimmingly

By Anonymous - 13/08/2015 01:18 - United States - Kingman

Today, I let out a huge fart during a job interview. I was the one conducting the interview. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 346

You deserved it 5 169

Romance is dead

By Anonymous - 08/06/2021 10:59

Spicy

Today, my husband seems to think sex once a month is adequate, and that it’s acceptable to nap on the sofa once he gets home from work, wake up for dinner, then go straight to bed. I also can’t speak to him while he’s eating, because he’s watching tv. I thought I had a husband, not a roommate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 245

You deserved it 158

By Champignon - 01/11/2013 14:17 - Belgium - Brasschaat

Spicy

Today, during dinner, my mom told my dad and me in great detail about the "awesome" new cosmetic surgery idea she just had: constructing earlobes for lobeless ears, using skin taken from women's labia. I was forced to sit through this until I finished my plate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 211

You deserved it 4 275

NRA fanboy

By Anonymous - 02/10/2020 05:04

Today, I finally confronted my husband about his silicon *wedding ring* having rifle bullets on it. He said, "I love you as much as I love guns." I clarified, "As much as?" to give him an out. He replied, 100% serious, that he really loves his guns. FML

I agree, your life sucks 846

You deserved it 400

By JRock - 22/02/2009 20:41 - United States

Today, at my softball game, there was one spot left for center field. The coach had to choose between me or the girl who forgot her glasses and was blind without them. He chose her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 833

You deserved it 4 853

By Bad Dad - 20/10/2014 03:48 - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I caught my 15-year-old son trying to roll catnip into a joint and smoke it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 287

You deserved it 4 924

By jen - 16/01/2009 00:39 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was hanging out with a couple of friends and one of them tells a funny story about how he filled a condom with syrup and put it in his friend's mouth while he was asleep. Me with my big mouth starts to say, "Condoms taste na--" and stopped myself as everyone started laughing at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 719

You deserved it 27 783

By sealy - 28/12/2010 07:44 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was told I sound like a seal barking when I orgasm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 975

You deserved it 7 844

By Anonymous - 12/08/2014 17:55 - United States - Newport

Today, I happily announced that I'm getting married. My dad immediately shot back, "And I'm getting E.D., who gives a damn?" Just when I thought he was joking, he muttered that "the bitch" will take everything in our divorce. Moment ruined. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 271

You deserved it 3 346

Pseudoscience [gone sexual!!]

By Anonymous - 22/07/2021 18:01

Today, I went to a chiropractor and got a membership just because I was desperate to be touched by a man after being single for 3 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 684

You deserved it 265

Put it away

By Anonymous - 27/10/2019 22:00

Today, I managed to cut myself twice with a Swiss army knife. Stabbed in one hand and sliced a finger on the other. Good to know it's super sharp. FML

I agree, your life sucks 959

You deserved it 926

By toryzhere - 29/03/2012 11:13 - Canada

Today, I had a job interview. I have major OCD, and I had to sit in a room with a man covered in cat hair, struggling to even survive for an hour and a half. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 409

You deserved it 3 962

Ripped off

By Anonymous - 07/10/2020 02:02 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, I rented a house for 5 years with my girlfriend, only to find out she is the actual owner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 433

You deserved it 206

By Jill - 25/02/2010 01:26 - France

Today, a friend of mine commented that I "have a lot of confidence for a fat girl". Ummm... thanks? FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 581

You deserved it 4 483

By sadcase - 12/04/2011 14:01 - Australia

Today, I used my hair straightener to attempt to straighten my eyelashes and burned my eyelid. I don't know what's sadder, that fact I thought it would be fun, or that I was stupid enough to think I wouldn't hurt myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 238

You deserved it 138 602

By Anonymous - 01/12/2010 10:03 - United Kingdom

Today, I thought it would be a good idea to take a short cut driving through the snow. I skidded to avoid an oncoming car and ended up in someone's garden, inches from their brand new extension. The house belonged to a police officer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 336

You deserved it 31 892

Random Access Memories

By Anonymous - 18/10/2021 17:00

Today, I learned the horrifying implications of my memory not being what it used to be when I bought a tasty-looking chocolate bar, only to realize upon taking a bite that I'd bought one before and not liked it one bit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 606

You deserved it 242

By anon - 30/08/2015 18:44 - United States

Today, while babysitting, I made the kids and myself peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. When their parents came home, their dad took out the same container of peanut butter I had used and let their dog lick out of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 369

You deserved it 1 993

Bro moment

By Anonymous - 11/11/2021 11:00

Today, I had a stomach bug and had to run to the restroom because I messed my pants. My boyfriend's words of comfort? "Don't worry, bro. I've crapped my pants at least twice since we've been together." FML

I agree, your life sucks 791

You deserved it 127

By Crazy Mom - 10/06/2013 05:13 - United States

Today, my mom walked into the bathroom while I was taking a pic to send to my long-distance boyfriend. She then told me I would go to hell for flaunting myself at guys. I was fully clothed, sending a pic to see if he liked my new haircut. That and I'm 21. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 074

You deserved it 4 617

By rhplb - 17/05/2016 13:10 - Philippines - Quezon City

Today, I arrived to work at exactly 8 so I could leave at exactly 5, without overtime. I found out later that my brother took my keys with him somewhere and now I can't enter the house until he gets back at 11. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 061

You deserved it 873

By Anonymous - 24/11/2009 12:53 - United States

Today, I woke up after taking a sleep pill for the first time. I started in on a number of chores including paying bills when I noticed a new charge on my online credit card bill from 1am. I bought $120 worth of meat from an infomercial. It's non-refundable. I'm vegetarian. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 049

You deserved it 12 113

By Damn - 06/05/2012 13:53 - Australia

Today, I noticed my nephew has blue eyes, freckles and dimples which don't run in my family or my sister's husband's family, but they do run in my husband's family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 187

You deserved it 4 238

By ~__~ - 20/03/2015 21:23

Today, I had to bail my drunk dad out of jail after he beat the shit out of a mime artist. All he had to say on the matter was "Fucking bastard was playing mind games." and that he'd beat him up again if he could. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 568

You deserved it 2 437

By fmlmylife - 11/03/2009 05:04 - United States

Today, I was walking to school and decided to be a good citizen by picking up a beer can on the sidewalk. I then walked on to my school's campus where I then got suspended by my dean for "trying to rebel", grounded by my parents for getting suspended, and an MIP from the school's police guard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 571

You deserved it 9 216

By Anonymous - 31/05/2014 20:04 - United States - Brandon

Today, I spent several hours downtown with my violent grandma, after she was arrested for threatening a guy with a gun. His crime? "Trespassing" by ringing the doorbell and asking if she was interested in donating to charity. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 820

You deserved it 3 870

Get out

By a7xforever - 14/09/2010 08:31 - United Kingdom

Today, I got to my weekly drama group a bit late. Everyone looked surprised when I walked in. Casually, I sat down and apologised for being late. I thought everyone looked awkward, probably because it turned out I'd been kicked out of the group. The teacher had decided to announce it before making sure I'd got the email. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 997

You deserved it 3 398

By Anonymous - 23/10/2013 07:40 - United States

Spicy

Today, I found out through one of my friends that my boyfriend cheated on me. He says it doesn't count as cheating because he couldn't get it up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 586

You deserved it 4 637

By Frazzled - 10/04/2011 10:59 - United States

Today, after three days of hospital camping with my very sick husband, he was finally out of danger when I left last night to get my first good night's sleep in almost 96 hours. He woke me at 5 a.m. with a phone call asking me to bring him comic books because he's bored. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 471

You deserved it 11 282

By CHEERS, TUMBLTARD - 13/09/2013 21:31

Today, while chatting with a friend online, I told her that Kristen Stewart isn't going to star in the 50 Shades movie as she originally thought. She then spammed me with so many "NO"/"NO WAY" messages that my crappy laptop froze up, forcing me to reboot and lose a ton of unsaved essay notes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 735

You deserved it 12 498

Mute

By Gassy Gal - 21/03/2021 05:01

Today, I was feeling gassy at work so I used my mute button. Later on in the day, I realized my mute button was disabled. Everyone heard me fart and it's recorded. FML

I agree, your life sucks 775

You deserved it 247

By Anonymous - 10/02/2015 14:51 - United Kingdom - Cambridge

Today, a cute girl was telling me about her weird fetishes. I jokingly said, "Remind me never to have sex with you". She replied, "Don't worry, I have standards". FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 426

You deserved it 20 795

By anonymous - 04/09/2010 05:15 - United States

Today, I saw a car on the side on the highway with a popped tire. The driver didn't have a spare, so I nicely gave them mine. One hour later my tire popped. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 766

You deserved it 8 033

By UniGrad2019 - 26/01/2016 04:54 - United States - Fredericksburg

Today, after months of all my friends telling me that the guy whom I was in love with most definitely held feelings for me, I was finally convinced by their words, and with confidence I went and confessed my feelings to him. I was rejected. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 730

You deserved it 1 971

By imfucked - 26/07/2019 14:00

Today, I found out the paycheck I deposited on Tuesday bounced. This means that the checks I sent to my landlord, the electric and gas company and my mom will also bounce. When I told my boss, we got into an argument over bank fees and he fired me. I had thumped him, though. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 554

You deserved it 235

By ouch - 08/03/2011 15:50 - United Kingdom

Today, my friend convinced me that a staple gun doesn't work on skin. I decided to put this new piece of information to the test. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 636

You deserved it 99 451

Sick board!

By Anonymous - 21/04/2021 20:00 - Canada - Toronto

Today, it was my first time trying to longboard. I ended up going down a steep hill and didn’t know to how stop. I wound up in the hospital with a fractured knee and bruises all over from trying to stop myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 444

You deserved it 670

By Gw - 28/10/2009 19:03 - United States

Today, my fiancée and I were going on our honeymoon. Our flight was delayed by two hours. It landed when our connecting flight to St. Lucia was taking off. The airline said they were holding the flight for us, so we sprinted from D gate to A, in time to watch the plane pull away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 106

You deserved it 2 868

By mynameisarmpit - 15/11/2010 06:48

Today, I went out to eat with my girlfriend. The waiter came up and was being nice. He said, "What can I get you two gentlemen?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 665

You deserved it 4 661

By Anonymous - 21/04/2009 21:52 - United States

Today, I was at my senior dance dancing with this guy I really like. He was telling me how he likes a strong woman who's not afraid to make the first move. Empowered by what he said, I asked him out. He said no because he thinks girls shouldn't ask guys out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 945

You deserved it 5 071

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Top comments

biggestfan23 11

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Monday 12 March 2012 15:40

I like burned butts and I cannot lie!

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Monday 12 March 2012 15:51

What's the matter with you?

Comments

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Monday 12 March 2012 15:38

Madness T_T

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Monday 12 March 2012 15:44

Madness? No, THIS IS SPARTAAAAA

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Monday 12 March 2012 16:05

Kick*

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Monday 12 March 2012 16:39

Lol xD

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Monday 12 March 2012 16:47

Wish 29 was between 9 and 18. :p

muzy 23

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Monday 12 March 2012 22:40

Is it weird that it's annoying me that he put 'no' in the quote :| ?

Jiplo 18

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Tuesday 13 March 2012 3:13

Yes it is, but it isn't. Or is it in just a way that it really is but just seems that it isn't?

joshuaUNWRITTEN 0

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Monday 12 March 2012 15:39

Cool, Now we know you have a big ass!

KeyboardWarrior 10

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Monday 12 March 2012 17:36

We do...?

muzy 23

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Monday 12 March 2012 22:37

38- Never ever trust someone who capitalises a word after a comma or else....

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Monday 12 March 2012 15:39

you could've just warmed up with ur towel or robe...

biggestfan23 11

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Monday 12 March 2012 15:40

I like burned butts and I cannot lie!

KeyboardWarrior 10

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Monday 12 March 2012 17:37

Kinky.

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Monday 12 March 2012 18:55

I prefer a nice crispy, golden brown. I heard that burned stuff poses health risks.

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Monday 12 March 2012 20:44

Ahh, nice.

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Tuesday 13 March 2012 3:51

You otha brothas can't deny.

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Tuesday 13 March 2012 5:43

But when a girl walks in with that itty bitty waist and that burn butt in mah face! :3

LMA0 5

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Tuesday 13 March 2012 7:25

I get sprung!

JoeLouisBomber 9

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Monday 12 March 2012 15:42

Now put a didlo near the heater wait until you hear sizzling and insert in anus

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Monday 12 March 2012 15:51

What's the matter with you?

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Monday 12 March 2012 16:12

Must have something up his ass...

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Monday 12 March 2012 16:26

No need to get those mental images burned into my mind!!

JoeLouisBomber 9

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Monday 12 March 2012 16:28

Many many things though i dont have anything in my ass other then shit

KeyboardWarrior 10

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Monday 12 March 2012 17:39

You should wipe better. It'll help with that.

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Monday 12 March 2012 22:56

I get it, #6 is a rapist.

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Tuesday 13 March 2012 0:43

Thank god you were hear to break the news Tom Brokaw.

fallslikedominos 10

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Thursday 25 July 2013 4:38

What type of freaky shit. . .

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Monday 12 March 2012 15:42

You must have a hot ass... if you know what I mean ;P

muppetslover 11

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Monday 12 March 2012 15:42

That sounds like something I would do... But at least you know you've got a bubble butt and all the guys will be checking you out! Or maybe they'll just be looking at the burn...

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Monday 12 March 2012 15:49

I always knew you had a hot ass.

DrMime 10

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Monday 12 March 2012 16:33

Same joke as number seven, you get thumbed up, he gets thumbed down. LIKE A BOSS!

RedPillSucks 31

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Monday 12 March 2012 17:08

Because he didn't say "if you know what I mean".

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Monday 12 March 2012 17:25

His army of minions follow him and thumb him up as soon as he comments! Go Doc!

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Monday 12 March 2012 17:53

Ack...I hadn't noticed #7 when I wrote my (admittedly stupid) comment. Dammit.

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Monday 12 March 2012 18:01

Doc, you nearly always make original comments. You are allowed to slip up from time to time, it is only human.

DrMime 10

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Monday 12 March 2012 15:51

You sit on the heater too? In that case there's a few rules to follow, never sit directly on the metal, always have a big blanket, and last but not least, don't try to pleasure yourself on the heater, there is an upward air current... Especially if you don't have a big blanket...

MizzErikaHart 8

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Monday 12 March 2012 15:52

Sounds like a fire hazard.

DrMime 10

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Monday 12 March 2012 15:55

At that point it becums 'dodge the flying lava'.

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Monday 12 March 2012 15:53

When the actual f*ck would that ever seem like a good idea?

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Tuesday 13 March 2012 5:45

When you get out of the shower and your house is cold. And yo booty née to be warmed up. c:

Nearly

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35

You deserved it 9

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37

You deserved it 10

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend finally told me after over two years together that the reason we only have sex once a month is because my stomach is, “off-putting”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 642

You deserved it 144

Today, my wife announced she wants to incorporate a saddle into our lovemaking. This might be fine, except she wants me to wear an actual 30-pound saddle, and I have bad knees. FML

I agree, your life sucks 730

You deserved it 91