Miscellaneous: Today, I found one of my roommate's giant yellow toenail clippings...

By Peach - United States

Today, I found one of my roommate's giant yellow toenail clippings on the counter next to the kitchen sink. When I confronted him about it, he told me the cat must have carried it out of his bedroom and put it there. FML

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Miscellaneous

Leave us alone

What?

Sounds like a catch

By Betsydoll - United States

Today, after a tiff with my boyfriend, I said to him, "You could at least PRETEND to love me sometimes." He responded with, "I do pretend to love you!" FML

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By Roy Lawson - United States - Brea

Today, I had to bite the bullet and finally buy maternity pants. Problem is, I'm not pregnant and I'm a 25-year-old man. FML

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By Amandajean32 - United States

Today, I came home from work to find the lock to my bike busted and my bike stolen. The worst part was a nicer bike was sitting right next to it without a lock. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/11/2020 19:59

Look mom!

Today, I was having my 9 year-old son help me find the TV remote. We were searching my bedroom when all the sudden my son says, “Look, mom it’s right here!” I turn around to see him pointing to where the remote was with my vibrator like a teacher pointing at a blackboard with a pointer. FML

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By turdtonomor9 - United States

Today, I agreed to help out my 4-year crush with his senior prank which is to pretend we are dating for 1 day to freak everyone out. Glad to know dating me is prank worthy. FML

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By mynameisnotdrew - United States

Today, after some very passionate sex with my girlfriend, she exclaims "that was amazing Drew..." She quickly tried to turn "Drew" into my actual name which does not sound a thing like Drew. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend suggested we imagine each other as someone else when we had sex. I imagined he was Tom Cruise. He imagined I was my best friend. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at Six flags, friends and I were going to ride "Superman". People lose their phones on it easily, so I asked a friend who decided not to ride to put mine in her bag. When it ended, I learned she went and asked an employee in navy to hold onto it, but couldn't find him. Employees wear yellow. FML

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By kenz - United States

Today, I returned from a week-long vacation. My landlord told me he had let my boyfriend in my apartment to get something. I don't have a boyfriend. Everything in my apartment is gone. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/9/2020 09:02 - United States - Cody

Those assholes are everywhere!

Today, I found out my wife's sister is an antivaxxer, and my wife is headed that way too. Our first baby is due next February. FML

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By olive_costume - Australia

Today, I went into my room and found a plastic snake on the floor. I yelled out to my sister, "Good one, Ellen!" I picked up the snake to take it to show her. The snake started moving in my hands and bit me. I had to go to the hospital. FML

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By ShittyWalls - United States - Moorestown

Today, the guy in the dorm room next to me was playing very loud metal music. I went next door and kindly asked him to turn it off. He did, so I went back to my room to go back to sleep. It turns out he was using the music to drown out his girlfriend's very loud moans. FML

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By BYUwildchild - United States

Today, I realized that the fish-shaped birth mark on the back of my leg, that I have had all my life, is not really shaped like a fish as I had originally thought. It looks just like a penis. FML

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By warp_routine - United States

Today, I got on an elevator with a woman and her child. I was the first one on. When she stepped on, the capacity alarm went off. As she left she told her daughter that's why fat people shouldn't be allowed in public. I'm 145 lbs. She was twice my size. I got called fat by a hippopotamus. FML

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By Limalia - Switzerland

Today, one week after my girlfriend berated me for not being invested enough in our relationship, I proposed to her. Her answer? "I meant give me an orgasm, not a ring!" FML

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By InAnAwkwardSituation - United States

Today, I walked in on my new college roommate holding his cock. He said "Hi I'm Jeffrey, and this is Jeffrey junior" while directing attention towards his penis. It's going to be a long semester. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was drawing while on the train, when a very good-looking woman looked at my work and said, "Wow, she's pretty. Is it supposed to be me?" She said it in a flirty tone, but before I could stop myself, I'd said "nah, it's just a generic face". FML

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By Anonymous - 7/8/2020 23:01

XXL

Today, after losing 20 pounds, I decided to purchase new clothes. All of the clothes at the store were still too small for me. FML

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By mrrichkid - United States

Today, my wife of four years confessed to me that she only married me for the money. FML

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By pukeytimes - Australia - Leichhardt

Today, I decided to do a good bit of spring cleaning. When my apartment was finally spotless I went to lie down. I woke up later to find my drunk flatmate passed out in a puddle of her own puke on the living room's carpet. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I carved a pumpkin for Halloween. I thought it would be cool to carve my name, and have it shine through onto the wall behind it. I figured that if I carved my name backwards then it would show up correct on the wall. My name's Lana and now my wall says Anal. FML

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By fucking mafia or what?? - United States - Marysville

Today, I opened the door to go out for groceries. Lying on my doorstep was a pile of poop. A piece of paper was taped to the ground beside it that read, "Do it again and you'll get more than dog shit." I don't have the slightest clue who I pissed off, or how. FML

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By no compassion - United States - Aurora

Today, working in customer support, I received a call from a woman who'd just been robbed. My supervisor asked what was taking so long; I told him that she was hysterical. He took my phone and told her to call back when she had her "shit together", then hung up. I take orders from this man. FML

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By And I'm still single - United States - Mission Viejo

Today, I found out that my picture from a dating profile was so "hilarious" that people have been posting it on Instagram with mean captions. FML

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By wtf mom?!

Today, I completely lost it when I found out my mom was driving around with my 20-month-old daughter not sat in a car seat. She told me I was overreacting, and that everything was fine since she “prayed for a safe journey.” FML

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By blahhlovely_30 - United States

Today, I lost my cat. It's deaf, so no matter what I do it can't hear me. FML

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By madbirthdaymomma - United States - Roswell

Today, I was hosting my daughter's thirteenth birthday party. One parent decided to stay at my house, the only parent to do so. The entire night she critiqued every decision I made, from the films to the cake. When it was time to open presents, her kid was the only one without one. FML

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By _whyy_mee - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, my neighbor yelled at me for driving recklessly. I was going 35 mph, and she was stopped in the middle of a road around a blind curve. My "reckless driving" was slamming on the brakes so I wouldn't hit her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got stopped at the bank by security for carrying a weapon and threatened to call the police. I had to prove my “metal stick” was not a weapon. I am partially paralyzed in one of my feet and have to walk with a cane. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was outside eating my lunch when an old man pulled his pants down and took a dump on the sidewalk next to me. FML

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By Nalya - France

Today, my boss told me that we are having a big meeting tomorrow, with lots of important people. Before leaving the room he added "Please, tomorrow, try to dress better." FML

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By kittyd - United States

Today, I came home to find a note on my door. I thought it was from my elderly disabled neighbors thanking me for cleaning off their snow covered car, since about 6 inches came down. It was from them, only it said I owed them for damages to their car. Damages that were already there. FML

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By xxxchelsiexxx - United States

Today, I was hanging out with my two friends. My hair was hanging over my upper lip, making it look like I had a big mustache. "Hey, look guys!" I said. "I have a mustache!" "I know," they both said without looking. I'm a girl. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was flirting with a guy and we ended up having a deep conversation through text. We were talking all our problems, and saying really sweet things to each other. I THOUGHT he was going to say something else really sweet and cute. He linked me to Suicide Hotline instead. FML

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By Nick - United Kingdom

Today, I got out of the wrong side of the bed. Into a wall. FML

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By xobeachbabi428ox - United States

Today, I used a public bathroom. I hung my purse up on the hook on the door. Two minutes later, a hand reaches over the door and steals my purse. I got robbed while taking a crap. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brunswick

Today, I ran into a new guy at work who told me the regional manager was visiting today to evaluate the staff. I scoffed and said that everything I'd heard about the manager made him seem like a total prick. His reply? "Maybe, but I'm a prick who can FIRE people." FML

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By impishsamaritan

Toxic Managers

Today, I had to pretend in front of our director that my manager is a nice person. In reality, she's a soul-sucking bully who has made my life so miserable that twice I was on the brink of nervous breakdown. FML

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By veggiedude - United States - San Francisco

Today, my girlfriend suggested we try something new and spontaneous. Excited to find out first-hand what she had in mind, and ready to fool around, I hurried over to her place. Turns out she's just taken up vegan cooking. FML

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By NeverNumberOne

Friendzone 2.0

Today, I finally got the courage to ask my best friend to go on a date with me. She assumed I meant a double date and squealed, "Who's the lucky guy?!" She thought I was her gay best friend for the past year. FML

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Top comments

By kings1fan | 6

#4113846 - Friday 2 March 2012 12:00

I think I threw up a little

By Sinamoi | 18

#4113857 - Friday 2 March 2012 12:01

A cat that fetches toenails huh? Too bad you don't have a cat that fetches root bear.

COMMENTS

By JackIsHere | 4

#4113812 - Friday 2 March 2012 11:54

The cat was hungry it wanted some desert.

MonsterSlayer13 | 5

#4113822 - Friday 2 March 2012 11:57

yum.. :l

KeyboardWarrior | 10

#4114004 - Friday 2 March 2012 13:07

Run on sentence?

kooochris1995 | 14

#4114153 - Friday 2 March 2012 14:15

Yeah because we all like going to the desert, where there is nothing, when we are hungry.

Angitia | 8

#4114715 - Friday 2 March 2012 17:42

I know right, 27? I love starving to death in the dunes, and at times getting stung by a scorpion whilst trying to find my way out! It's truly lovely and charming.

Cappiej | 18

#4114984 - Friday 2 March 2012 21:28

I think the cat didn't want desert for it didn't eat it

l4d98 | 2

#4133071 - Wednesday 7 March 2012 22:08

Dessert*

mrlopez | 13

#4185410 - Monday 19 March 2012 6:56

I just desserted this thread. It seems all so wrong...

By teague95 | 16

#4113843 - Friday 2 March 2012 11:59

pshhh cats man always causing trouble

By kings1fan | 6

#4113846 - Friday 2 March 2012 12:00

I think I threw up a little

olpally | 32

#4114632 - Friday 2 March 2012 17:06

I think we all threw up a little after reading this... FAOL(f**k all our lives) :/ just disgusting..

ItsJustMe1616 | 26

#5982772 - Saturday 21 June 2014 6:02

How are you not sure if you threw up a little or not? Lol normally that's something I'm pretty aware of occurring or not lol

By Sinamoi | 18

#4113857 - Friday 2 March 2012 12:01

A cat that fetches toenails huh? Too bad you don't have a cat that fetches root bear.

KeyboardWarrior | 10

#4114011 - Friday 2 March 2012 13:08

That cat must be boss if it can catch a bear.

dcg1375 | 7

#4114204 - Friday 2 March 2012 14:42

Brown bears, grizzly bears, polar bears, panda bears....never heard of a root bear

PenFifteen_fml | 0

#4114825 - Friday 2 March 2012 19:16

I think I've seen one of those before.

jvanaulen | 2

#4114847 - Friday 2 March 2012 19:29

Maybe he meant birch bear?

ItsJustMe1616 | 26

#5982773 - Saturday 21 June 2014 6:04

The comments to this FML are bigger fails than the FML itself lol people are really struggling to spell with their responses lol or I guess I should say they are struggling to find the correct words lol