Miscellaneous: Today, I saw what I thought was a gallon jug of water. Trying...

By tnt007 - France

Today, I saw what I thought was a gallon jug of water. Trying to do something spontaneous and fun, I took my hardest swing at it to see how far I could kick it. It was frozen solid. I broke my foot. FML

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Miscellaneous

Doomed

Trip Advisor says no

Clean break

By Anonymous - United States - Kansas City

Today, after paying a job coach a load of money for his services, pretty much the only advice he gave me was "Send out more résumés." FML

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By Loopylogo

Today, my boss came into the office asked how I was doing and seemed totally normal and happy, then said, "I have to let you go. I heard some bad things about you." He wouldn't tell me what he heard, or from whom. FML

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6579

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By bablessinbedsty

Today, I announced to my fiance that I was pregnant with twins. He immediately called off the engagement, furious at me because we "agreed to only have one child". Sorry my embryo decided to split in two. FML

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8297

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By Anonymous

Today, I secretly turned off the internet to see what my kids would do. Barely 10 minutes later, I caught my oldest son masturbating to a photo of my sister in a bikini because, as he put it, "A man has needs and the internet's fucked." FML

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6541

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By Anonymous - United States

Gassy

Today, I decided to take a nap in the university library. I felt like I'd only closed my eyes for a minute, when a guy woke me up to tell me that I'd been farting in my sleep for the last half hour, and that the librarian was becoming concerned. FML

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32769

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By taman - United States

Today, I took this girl out that I've been crushing on for 2 years to a fancy restaurant. At one point during the date, I had to get up to take a massive dump. As I was walking back to the table, a little boy stood up and shouted, "THAT'S THE POOPOO MAN" in front of the whole restaurant. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Bridgewater

Today, I started my job selling perfume in a department store. I decided to be creative and sprayed a little perfume towards the first person who walked by. She had an allergic reaction, and an ambulance had to be called. FML

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By Anonymous

Thanks?

Today, I went out with a guy who, about 20 minutes into our dinner, said, "Wow, you don't sweat much for a fat chick." FML

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By Twitchy - Bahamas

Today, I watched a cat pounce on a small bird and rip it to shreds, feather by feather. It wouldn't have been any worse than mildly disturbing, had I not just spent the last 4 weeks nursing the bird back to health from a broken wing. FML

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By Charity - United States

Slashing Prices Left and Right!

Today, I tutored a kid for two hours, for $25 an hour. When it came time for them to pay, my mother told the kid's parents that they could give me ten bucks for the whole thing. She does this a lot. FML

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By lynn777 - Canada

Today, I was walking home through the slush and snow when a car drove by, soaking me with dirty water. Frustrated, I flipped him off. He then turned around and splashed me again. FML

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By aineroo - Ireland - Galway

Today, I managed to convince my sister that when you press down the diet button on the lid of a McDonald's cup it turns whatever is in there diet. I pressed the button and she started shouting how she hates diet drinks. She's 19. FML

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33562

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By makin bacon

Bad smell

Today, my idiot roommate read somewhere that bacon grease could be used on squeaky doors and windows. Now, we're desperately trying to scrub the rancid goop out of door hinges and window tracks. Our whole place smells like rotten pig ass and death! FML

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2029

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By Anonymous

Today, I went to fetch our bins after they were collected, only to scare the child that was trying to fit inside our compost bin. Apparently, she's not allowed to play in hers because she already broke two by doing this. These bins are $75 a piece. FML

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By Charly - France

Today, I sent a text message to this girl I've been flirting with for a while now saying "How about coffee?". To which she answered "Great idea, I'll go and make myself one right now". FML

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By sexaddict - France

Today, it's been 2 weeks since I lost my virginity and I've already had sex with 3 guys. I think I'm a nympho. FML

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13949

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By luciaspiano - United States

Today, I was riding a bus. After having a conversation with my friend, I looked down and saw a little boy looking at me. He asked, "Are you a boy or a girl?" As if that wasn't bad enough, when I responded that I was a girl, he said, "Oh. So, why do you have a boy voice then?" FML

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30202

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By Dirtyrice - United States - Albuquerque

Dirty rice

Today, my 8-year-old son decided to make some rice for lunch. When we had it, I noticed a horrid gritty taste. It turns out, he puts dirt in the rice to make "Dirty Rice". FML

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1639

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374

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By singingseattlite - United States

Today, I was at a symposium at which my colleague was a co-chair. She and a new acquaintance asked me how it was going. I joked that the discussant's only job at this conference was to be an asshole. The acquaintance was the symposium's discussant. The topic was Rude Behavior at Work. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went in for I thought would be an interview for a promotion, but turns out there was no interview set up, and they'd already decided who would be the next manager. FML

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1477

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By Anonymous - United States - Marion

Today, I was getting intimate with my girlfriend. She pulled down my trousers, saw my Poke-ball boxers, and absolutely lost it. I had to lie next to her in bed for the next 10 minutes hearing her howl with laughter while crying "Dickachu, I choose you!" FML

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60876

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By Andrea - 4/1/2021 16:59

Misinformation

Today, my brother-in-law declared he does not want to be vaccinated against Covid, because his friend, who is a nurse, told him it could make him impotent. Can please someone remove her from the health system? FML

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679

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By wreckdit - United States

Today, I discovered that my roommate is a drug dealer and has been keeping her product in our flat. I discovered this when several police officers broke down my bathroom door and arrested me while I was in the shower. FML

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12594

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By cmerr - United States

Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend at his college and when I walked into the dorm he was lying in his bed with another girl. When he saw me he simply said, "April Fool's!" It's March 19th. FML

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By mog - United States

Office embarrassment

Today, the girl who works at the liquor store came to where I work. She recognized me. FML

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1334

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By CrackHouseBaby - United Kingdom - Manchester

This Is Us

Today, I learned that my parents lied. They didn't meet each other at an acid house rave. They met each other at a crack house. FML

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1518

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, this guy I have been hanging out with for a while came over and we were about to do it. He pulled off my clothes and once I was naked I reached for his zipper. He just backed up and said he was a virgin and simply wanted to see me naked. FML

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By Emmz91

Brain fart

Today, I couldn't open my car door from the inside. I rang my father-in-law in a panic and he opened it from the outside for me. Then he asked why I just didn't roll down the window and do it myself. FML

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643

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By Anonymous - 13/1/2021 20:01

Creepy

Today, I had a huge argument with my wife because I declined a lunch invite with a married couple who live nearby. My wife has severe social anxiety, so having a friend nearby is a huge win for her. What my wife doesn’t know is that her new friend keeps hitting on me, and has already sent me unsolicited nudes. FML

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1418

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By sleepingonmydesk - United Kingdom - Longfield

Today, after not being able to sleep for two hours because my boyfriend wouldn't stop talking, he fell asleep and I was left wide awake. I listened to him snore for another three hours and only got a couple of hours sleep. He's not working today, but I am. FML

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27326

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By ishouldhavebeenbornrich

Today, at work, a man wanted to buy a garden hose which came up on the till as £1.99. He said that it was wrong and that it should be £1.89, so he then demanded that I called someone down to set it right. He held 20 customers up for 15 minutes to get 10p off a garden hose. FML

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By wtfuraretard - United States

Today, my boyfriend called me over, all just to unclog his toilet. It was clogged because he put my phone in it while he was taking a dump to see if it would actually flush. FML

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By ninnang - United States - Honolulu

Today, my boss delivered some flowers and a sympathy card signed by everyone in the office to my cubicle. The card said, "Sorry your mom died". My mom isn't dead. I don't know where they got the idea from and no one believes me. They said that denial is part of grieving. FML

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48944

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By RiceSickle - United States - Pleasanton

Today, I received the $30 parking pass that I ordered over 4 weeks ago. My class is only 4 weeks long, and next week is the last week. FML

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38710

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By Crashburn - United Kingdom

Today, after having a naked wrestle with my boyfriend, I discovered he'd left a skidmark on my stomach. FML

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40749

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By Paul - United States

Today, some cops came to my house saying that the neighbors thought the party I was having was too loud and obnoxious. It was my grandmother's 86 birthday party. FML

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32346

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2913

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By Completely Fed Up - United States - Spokane

Today, after 2 weeks of hard work in the heat planting a garden, just as I thought the most stressful part was over, my wife's mother comes over and brings a huge dog. She then threw a tennis ball for the dog into my freshly seeded garden multiple times, completely destroying most of it. FML

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22303

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Today, I have to pay my college an extra $1000 because there is a $20 charge every time you get locked out of your room, and I have an extremely poor short-term memory. I'm also only allowed to have exactly one keycard at any given time. FML

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1095

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By iskalion - Canada - Grande Prairie

Today, I introduced my girlfriend to my parents over lunch. Unfortunately, I showed my dad her Facebook profile beforehand and he wouldn't stop making cracks about her duckfacing. It started with "Don't let her eat the bread, it'll puff up in her stomach and kill her", and ended in tears. FML

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By raspberrysachere

Today, I was in yoga class. We were in downward-facing dog pose, and the male instructor stood behind me and gave me an assist/adjustment by pulling upward on my hips. As I left the class, I realized that was the most intimate touch I've ever received from a man. I'm a 25-year-old straight woman. FML

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Top comments

By perdix | 29

#766889 - Monday 11 January 2010 1:11

So how far did you kick it?

Don't leave us hanging! We don't give a shit about your stupid foot. We want to know how far that thing went!

By redxapplexoxo | 0

#767029 - Monday 11 January 2010 2:03

Because it's so much fun to kick a gallon of water for no reason.

COMMENTS

By blakehilli8 | 0

#766861 - Monday 11 January 2010 1:05

first

Grndslmhttr3 | 0

#767393 - Monday 11 January 2010 4:58

I'm sick of these FMLs. That look. Like this.

postaltubealex | 0

#767652 - Monday 11 January 2010 8:26

That are fake, because france invented the metric system 300 or so years ago.

fogrunner | 13

#767852 - Monday 11 January 2010 11:22

Well, I use the metric system IRL, but sometimes on the internets I use the other one to be polite to all the Americans. :)

ryguy997 | 0

#952293 - Tuesday 16 March 2010 3:41

don't be polite to the US!!! GO CANADA GO!!!!!

PimpdaddyCJT | 13

#1013316 - Monday 31 May 2010 3:59

wow the internets

pippymiskers | 4

#1074003 - Thursday 8 July 2010 10:13

shoulda had a V8!

By Az_Qtee | 0

#766864 - Monday 11 January 2010 1:06

wow your an idiot!!! 1st

niadanac1 | 3

#766935 - Monday 11 January 2010 1:25

Bahahaha not only did you make an error in your haste but you definately were second, also known as the first loser. FYL

MissDanish17 | 5

#984925 - Monday 26 April 2010 3:08

Ohhh, second loser!!

By cmp2_fml | 0

#766877 - Monday 11 January 2010 1:09

lolowned

By BigRedMan15 | 0

#766887 - Monday 11 January 2010 1:11

STUPID... dumbass.

By perdix | 29

#766889 - Monday 11 January 2010 1:11

So how far did you kick it?

Don't leave us hanging! We don't give a shit about your stupid foot. We want to know how far that thing went!

Starfire22 | 5

#768053 - Monday 11 January 2010 14:12

.05 cm :D

By HannahBabe | 0

#766897 - Monday 11 January 2010 1:12

that sucks

matt5217 | 4

#987655 - Sunday 2 May 2010 21:26

hello

By Clutzs | 5

#766939 - Monday 11 January 2010 1:27

and ur on FML then again why am i .......................................

By GodsLittlePain | 0

#766947 - Monday 11 January 2010 1:32

Seriously? Look before you kick. Or for that matter, TOUCH before you kick. YDI.

By hmckay2010 | 0

#766955 - Monday 11 January 2010 1:34

wowww idiot!!! if u wanted to do something fun and spontaneous u were better off going for public sexx

By elisabethecstasy | 0

#766968 - Monday 11 January 2010 1:40

That is so incredibly stupid...and not spontaneous at all hah.