Today, I saw what I thought was a gallon jug of water. Trying...

By tnt007 - 10/1/2010 21:46 - France

Today, I saw what I thought was a gallon jug of water. Trying to do something spontaneous and fun, I took my hardest swing at it to see how far I could kick it. It was frozen solid. I broke my foot. FML

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Miscellaneous

Serious times

Incognito browsing

The end of the road

By Anonymous - 22/1/2010 22:08 - Canada

Today, I was lying on the couch after having surgery on my stomach. My best friend and my mom thought that laughter would be the best medicine. Due to their medicine, I ripped out half my stitches. FML

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By me - 6/5/2013 00:56 - United States - Floresville

Today, my 6-year-old daughter walked into the bathroom where I was grumbling about my weight. Seeing how upset I was, she took my hand and said, "Mom, you're not fat. You just look fat." FML

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By ilivehere - 17/7/2013 14:20 - United States - Moline

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me at his parents' house. I was overjoyed. His mom hugged me with tears in her eyes. His father, who never really spoke before, hugged me a few hours later when we were alone, his hands traveling to my ass and whispering, "I can change your mind." FML

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By piliseep - 1/10/2017 23:15

Today, my cousin's three kittens peed all over every single pair of shoes under my desk, including some expensive heels. I spent two and a half hours cleaning all eighteen pairs. FML

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By anonymous - 22/11/2009 20:23 - United States

Today, I got a text from a woman containing many naked pictures of her. Apparently she meant to send those to her boyfriend whose number is one digit from mine. The bad part? My girlfriend was using my phone when I received that message. FML

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By you+me-clothes=53>< - 19/11/2013 17:13 - Austria - Vienna

Today, my boyfriend went down on me. I don't know why, but my mind wandered. He now thinks that he has the skills of a porn star, while I'm pretty sure that finally solving a mathematical problem I've been working on for a week caused me to orgasm. FML

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By No thank you - 4/2/2015 20:17 - United States - Columbus

Today, I'm here to inform men that, "If I fucked you, I wouldn't pull out" is not an effective pick up line. Ever. Especially on a coworker. FML

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By synyster505 - 19/12/2010 05:41 - United States

Today, I put my old kitchen table at the end of my driveway with a free sign on it. Later, I saw my neighbor drag it to his yard with a $50 for sale sign on it. It's now gone. FML

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By sdd - 23/1/2013 15:44 - Switzerland - Lotzwil

Today, I was chatting with my choir leader. I told him that I have been thinking about taking singing lessons. His immediate reaction was, "Thank god, finally!" FML

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By LennyComa - 19/3/2017 00:00

Today, I was punched in the balls by a monkey. FML

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By the girl next door - 7/5/2013 05:10 - United States - Maryland Heights

Today, I was in a bathroom stall and I accidentally dropped my new tampon on the ground. Just as I was about to reach for it, I heard a voice on the other side of the stall say, "Oh great, I needed that" and then a hand reached under my stall and grabbed it. It was my last one. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/4/2020 05:00

Unhygienic or he's a natural hunter-gatherer

Today, I found my missing wedding band inside my 2-year old's pull up. It was accompanied by two coins, a Hot Wheels car, a pebble, and a dead bug. FML

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By chocolaterabbit - 2/11/2009 12:41 - Australia

Today, my friends created a fake Facebook profile of a girl, and asked me to be in a relationship. Even my friends think I can't get a real girlfriend, and need a fake one to feel better. FML

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By triplenipple - 10/1/2011 20:35 - Sweden

Today, I realized the birthmark I have on my chest isn't a birthmark at all; it's a third nipple. FML

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By verrine - 19/6/2009 08:22 - United Kingdom

Today, I was mugged on my way to the bus stop. With no money or mobile I started to panic about the exam I had and ran the 3.5 miles to get to there. When I staggered up to the building only 20mins after the exam started, the university staff wouldn't let me sit it as I couldn't prove my identity. FML

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By xXxtwilightLUV95xXx - 8/3/2010 15:14 - United States

Today, I woke up to the most awkward breakfast of my life. Apparently, last night after taking my sleeping pill, I went into my mom's room and started spilling secrets left and right. Secrets about my current crush, the people I've hooked up with, and how when I say I'm going over to my friend Beth's house, I'm really seeing a guy. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/1/2010 18:08 - United States

Today, the little boy I nanny for finally stood up and went 'pee-pee on the potty'. I started cheering and clapping, making a big deal out of it. I flushed while he smiled proudly and pooped on the floor. FML

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By EyeSeeYou - 2/5/2012 18:34 - United States - Houston

Today, I went on a picnic with my boyfriend's family. I thought it would be nice to wear my sundress and cowgirl boots. The wind repeatedly picked up my dress in front of everyone, including my boyfriend's seedy grandpa, who I have to admit can do a pretty good wolf-whistle. FML

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By jshi8 - 4/8/2011 14:35 - United States

Today, I was taking a dump behind a dumpster. I suddenly heard a noise and a vibration against the dumpster. It was a garbage truck lifting it to collect the trash. The garbage men started laughing and took out their phones. FML

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By thenewone - 19/11/2009 20:09 - Brazil

Today, I met my boyfriend's parents. Later on, his mom pulls me aside and tells me to back off, saying he will never marry someone like me and he should be with a nice girl like his ex. They broke up after he found her in his bed with his roomate. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/10/2010 17:32 - United States

Today, I found myself crying in the bathroom because I started to feel lonely and depressed. My mother came into the bathroom, hearing me cry and gave me an hour long speech about what a beautiful human being I am... And to not forget to lose weight. FML

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By kraussy - 4/5/2009 06:28 - United States

Today, I went to the eye doctor and they used dilating eye-drops on me. After I left, my vision was still pretty blurry. I walked to the subway and when I went to step onto the train, I missed and my whole left leg got stuck in the gap. The train was delayed 10 minutes because of me. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/12/2013 20:39 - United States

Today, I was chatting with my mother. She was telling me about some new mouthwash she recently got, and the moment the word "gargle" escaped her lips, my husband muttered just a little too loudly from the kitchen, "How about gargling my balls instead, bitch." Our family is now at war. FML

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By Animal - 24/2/2011 19:14 - Canada

One day…

Today, my mom was snooping around my room, and found the unopened box of glow in the dark condoms I bought myself year ago. She laughed and said, "No takers yet, eh?" FML

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By weldingmachine217 - 16/11/2015 21:47 - United States - Blanchard

Today, I went to the bowling alley. I have short, stubby fingers, and as I looked for a bowling ball that would fit my hand properly, an old man watched me searching, and approached asking, "Is that how you are with women? Fingering them, tossing them in the gutter, and looking for another?" FML

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By xXWhiteSheepXx - 8/4/2016 02:28 - United States - Omaha

Today, my cat likes to share my pillow at night. I guess she was extra comfortable last night, because she didn't bother getting off it to hack up a hairball. I woke up because I rolled my face onto it. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/8/2011 04:48 - United States

Today, a man with a face like a corpse's shoe started talking to me in the long queue at the Post Office. Apparently, his mother invented the banana, and he's first in line for the throne in France if ever Prince Harry dies. And his breath smelled like Satan's ass gas. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/5/2011 08:28 - Australia

Today, I was walking through town when a rough looking woman asked me for a cigarette. I don't smoke but I offered her some apples, and she took two. As I continued on past her, she pegged both of them at me, hitting the back of my head. FML

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By mammasboy - 21/5/2013 18:30 - United States - Springfield

Today, my mom scolded me and threatened to ground me for coming home past midnight. Normally, it wouldn't be unreasonable, except for the fact that I'm 24 years old, and that my parents live with me, in my own house. FML

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By stinky breath - 15/7/2014 21:24 - United States - Whittier

Today, I taught my 23-year-old boyfriend how to correctly brush his teeth. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/5/2010 15:54 - United States

Today, I found out there is such a thing as eyebrow dandruff, and that I have it. FML

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By Jaymail - 17/5/2020 17:00

You snooze, you lose

Today, I saw some really nice dining room chairs sitting out on the curb waiting for the garbage man. I went to the door to ask the owners why they were throwing them out. They told me it was because they had just bought new furniture. While I was talking to the owner, somebody else picked them up. FML

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By Naomi - 10/11/2013 10:28 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my husband and I went for our 20 week scan and found out we're having a girl. The first thing he said to me was, "The next one better be a boy or I'm leaving you". FML

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By StaplerScared - 8/11/2011 14:39 - Canada

Today, I got mugged by a guy who was threatening me with a stapler. FML

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By "baow" - 17/3/2019 16:00 - Sweden

Today, I met this girl and we ended up having sex at her place. She decided to give me some head underneath the cover, it really was great until her Garfield sized cat decided to jump on her head and make her choke on it. Guess who got kicked out in the middle of the night for being too reckless. FML

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By Where is the faith in Humanity - 7/11/2013 23:08 - United States - Tacoma

Today, I was in my room playing with my pet. I told my snake, "Who needs friends when I have you?" Through the wall I heard my neighbors say, "You do." I've never met my neighbors. FML

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By Peggy Peggerson - 9/10/2020 02:03 - United States

It's the new craze!

Today, my boyfriend asked me if I’d feel comfortable pegging him. I had no idea what that meant, so I had to look it up. I tried to keep an open mind but it was just too far outside my comfort zone. Now he’s sulking and complaining about me being a prude. FML

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By ab - 9/10/2011 05:11 - Canada

Today, a woman came into my work and yelled at me because no one told her the cake she had bought the week before was made of ice cream. She'd hidden it in the cupboard and it melted. I work in Dairy Queen. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/6/2019 20:30

Today, I was on my way to work. Out of nowhere, my period started. Due to allergies, I had uncontrollable sneezes. Now, I have blood all over my pants. FML

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By friendless - 3/12/2009 06:12 - Canada

Today, I got invited out by friends for coffee after I broke up with my boyfriend. When I told my mom where I was going, she looked at me and said, "But you don't have friends. All your friends are pixels. Where are you really going?" FML

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Top comments

By perdix | 29

#766889 - Monday 11 January 2010 1:11

So how far did you kick it?

Don't leave us hanging! We don't give a shit about your stupid foot. We want to know how far that thing went!

By redxapplexoxo | 0

#767029 - Monday 11 January 2010 2:03

Because it's so much fun to kick a gallon of water for no reason.

COMMENTS

By blakehilli8 | 0

#766861 - Monday 11 January 2010 1:05

first

Grndslmhttr3 | 0

#767393 - Monday 11 January 2010 4:58

I'm sick of these FMLs. That look. Like this.

postaltubealex | 0

#767652 - Monday 11 January 2010 8:26

That are fake, because france invented the metric system 300 or so years ago.

fogrunner | 13

#767852 - Monday 11 January 2010 11:22

Well, I use the metric system IRL, but sometimes on the internets I use the other one to be polite to all the Americans. :)

ryguy997 | 0

#952293 - Tuesday 16 March 2010 3:41

don't be polite to the US!!! GO CANADA GO!!!!!

PimpdaddyCJT | 13

#1013316 - Monday 31 May 2010 3:59

wow the internets

pippymiskers | 4

#1074003 - Thursday 8 July 2010 10:13

shoulda had a V8!

By Az_Qtee | 0

#766864 - Monday 11 January 2010 1:06

wow your an idiot!!! 1st

niadanac1 | 3

#766935 - Monday 11 January 2010 1:25

Bahahaha not only did you make an error in your haste but you definately were second, also known as the first loser. FYL

MissDanish17 | 5

#984925 - Monday 26 April 2010 3:08

Ohhh, second loser!!

By cmp2_fml | 0

#766877 - Monday 11 January 2010 1:09

lolowned

By BigRedMan15 | 0

#766887 - Monday 11 January 2010 1:11

STUPID... dumbass.

By perdix | 29

#766889 - Monday 11 January 2010 1:11

So how far did you kick it?

Don't leave us hanging! We don't give a shit about your stupid foot. We want to know how far that thing went!

Starfire22 | 5

#768053 - Monday 11 January 2010 14:12

.05 cm :D

By HannahBabe | 0

#766897 - Monday 11 January 2010 1:12

that sucks

matt5217 | 4

#987655 - Sunday 2 May 2010 21:26

hello

By Clutzs | 5

#766939 - Monday 11 January 2010 1:27

and ur on FML then again why am i .......................................

By GodsLittlePain | 0

#766947 - Monday 11 January 2010 1:32

Seriously? Look before you kick. Or for that matter, TOUCH before you kick. YDI.

By hmckay2010 | 0

#766955 - Monday 11 January 2010 1:34

wowww idiot!!! if u wanted to do something fun and spontaneous u were better off going for public sexx

By elisabethecstasy | 0

#766968 - Monday 11 January 2010 1:40

That is so incredibly stupid...and not spontaneous at all hah.