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Get ready to rumble!

By Leyla - 14/07/2012 07:09 - Canada - Brampton

Spicy

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. We were under the covers, and my little brother thought we were wrestling, so he got on top of the covers and started "wrestling" with us. FML

agreeclassic 18 383

vote type 1 34 421

By corn - 03/06/2011 01:44 - United Kingdom

Today, whilst at my job as a lifeguard, a small child decided he couldn't hold it any longer and released his bowels in the pool. It was my job to clean up his dump, including the floating pieces of sweetcorn. FML

agreeclassic 41 310

vote type 1 3 297

By Anonymous - 13/11/2012 11:34 - United States - Macungie

Today, a homeless man asked me for some money to eat. He ate the five dollars I gave him. FML

agreeclassic 31 011

vote type 1 4 354

By harry - 04/12/2009 05:55 - Hong Kong

Today, I started growing hair on my upper lip. I'm finally becoming a man! Too bad I'm a 17 year old girl. FML

agreeclassic 43 021

vote type 1 5 209

By Anonymous - 24/08/2011 08:03 - United States

Today, my aunt and uncle stole $584 from me, since I'm moving out. Their reasoning? I stole things. When I asked what I'd stolen, my aunt looked me straight in the eye and said "Milk Duds." FML

agreeclassic 36 432

vote type 1 3 311

By thoughtcrimeno1 - 06/07/2011 05:27 - United States

Today, I helped an elderly lady unscrew the cooling tank's cap from her smoking car. My reward? A scalding shower of toxic, pungent antifreeze that erupted moments after removing said cap. She didn't even thank me. FML

agreeclassic 28 863

vote type 1 18 847

Not now

By Anonymous - 25/02/2013 23:00 - United States - Marlton

Today, at my mother's funeral, as everyone was around her casket for the viewing, my 5-year-old son in cluelessness of what was going on shouted, "Grandma is more fun when she isn't sleeping." Everyone cried. FML

agreeclassic 47 545

vote type 1 3 987

By Apparently not a writer - 20/02/2013 16:36 - United States - Hockessin

Today, I uploaded the first chapter of my best writing yet to a popular writing website. After ten minutes, I was thrilled to already see one review and five comments. Each comment was telling me to immediately delete the story because of how horrible it was. The rating was half a star. FML

agreeclassic 30 179

vote type 1 8 426

By eagerbeaver - 03/09/2009 04:37 - United States

Today, I figured out that a $40 phone case does not protect your $500 phone from a five year-old throwing it off a fourth story balcony. FML

agreeclassic 44 171

vote type 1 8 927

By Stung - 10/02/2012 14:13 - United Kingdom

Today, I got into a fist-fight with a wasp, aka a Nazi helicopter. Despite swiping at it with ninja-like skills, I lost. FML

agreeclassic 9 473

vote type 1 29 204

By oldandmarriedapparently - 02/03/2010 05:15 - United States

Today, I saw my boyfriend for the first time in a while. When he came over we realized that we had not only gotten the same haircut, but we were also wearing the same sweater. We are a matching old couple at 17. FML

agreeclassic 14 527

vote type 1 25 835

One big happy family

By Anonymous - 04/08/2009 12:02 - Singapore

Today, my grandfather was counting all the grandchildren he had and saying how fortunate he was to have all of us. When I pointed out that he'd forgotten to count me, he turned and said, "You're adopted, you don't count as a real grandchild." FML

agreeclassic 93 316

vote type 1 4 535

By pixelbaker - 29/07/2009 16:34 - United States

Today, I was at work doing phone computer support helping a woman with her computer. I asked her to close all her open windows. She deleted all the important company documents in the open folder instead. I got fired because "close windows" and "delete" have become "too technical" for users. FML

agreeclassic 56 866

vote type 1 2 740

pixelbaker app_comment_confession_title

pixelbaker 0

Thursday 30 July 2009 4:47

The "documents" were basically just data sets pulled from a database stored on a workstation in the office. This workstation is not backed up. Yes, the company is full of morons. No, I'm not fighting it because this was the last straw of many last straws. I don't want to work for these idiots any more.

By mad dude - 12/01/2011 07:46

Spicy

Today, I realized I'm pussy whipped by a chick I'm not even dating. FML

agreeclassic 14 863

vote type 1 41 594

Gross

By Anonymous - 05/05/2014 21:03 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, a bird got into the walls of my house through a hole. I located where it was by following the chirping and scratching sounds, and drilled a hole to get it out. I pulled out the drill, only to find the drill bit bloody. Suddenly, no more chirps. FML

agreeclassic 54 224

vote type 1 18 380

By Marian - 23/03/2009 19:37 - United States

Spicy

Today, I had an anxiety attack when I was hanging out with my boyfriend. He pulled me close to him and I started to feel better, until he put my hand down his pants and around his penis and said, "Here! Try this to take your mind off it." FML

agreeclassic 73 762

vote type 1 9 071

Get me out

By Anonymous - 21/03/2011 18:36 - United States

Today, I'm on a 16 hour flight. Five minutes in, the lady on one side has clipped her toenails onto me and the guy on the other side has the most horrific gas I have ever smelled. To help this problem he bought a cheese plate from the stewardess. 15 hours and 55 minutes to go. FML

agreeclassic 40 476

vote type 1 3 249

By faen - 29/11/2012 21:12 - Norway - Marifjora

Today, Muse cancelled their upcoming show in Oslo. I bought my sold-out tickets on the black market for double the retail price, and have no way of getting my money back. FML

agreeclassic 13 088

vote type 1 41 038

By Michelle - 20/02/2011 17:45 - United States

Today, my cat tried to kill me. While I was sleeping, he put his paws on either side of my face and laid down, covering my nose and mouth. While I was struggling to free myself, I could hear my sister laughing next to me. FML

agreeclassic 32 119

vote type 1 4 977

By Anonymous - 08/02/2010 18:24 - United States

Today, while on my way to the break room, it seemed as if everyone was staring at me and giving me odd looks. I asked my friend, "Did I get prettier overnight or something?" She answered, "No, your shirt is just see-through." FML

agreeclassic 11 558

vote type 1 30 941

By Isabelle18 - 19/07/2009 14:14 - Canada

Today, I was walking to work when I saw an empty pop can. Angry at whoever left it, I kicked it out of the way. Turns out it wasn't empty; it was filled with hornets. I had to run 2km to work while being attacked by a giant swarm of wasps. FML

agreeclassic 38 393

vote type 1 29 558

By Anonymous - 11/01/2011 05:32 - United States

Today, I went to the bathroom and my pee split into 4 different streams, none of which actually hit the toilet. FML

agreeclassic 31 023

vote type 1 7 021

By Anonymous - 07/09/2011 23:02 - Canada

Today, my fiancé played Rockband drums from the bathroom while taking a crap. He actually managed to properly hit notes. FML

agreeclassic 26 093

vote type 1 4 466

Effective

By WinnerWinnerNotEatingDinner - 16/11/2015 06:44 - United States - Arlington

Spicy

Today, I was the first guy ever to give my girlfriend an orgasm. I was also the first guy to make her poop at the same time. FML

agreeclassic 34 264

vote type 1 3 496

So generous

By noway - 10/08/2011 17:47 - Singapore

Spicy

Today, I got into a fight with my boyfriend. The only thing he could think of to cheer me up was to give me "permission" to give him a blowjob. FML

agreeclassic 40 200

vote type 1 7 115

By Beth - 28/04/2013 13:16 - United States - Raleigh

Spicy

Today, my parents decided to wake me up on my birthday. They flashed the lights and yanked off my bed sheets. I sleep naked. FML

agreeclassic 56 946

vote type 1 11 781

By lice - 28/03/2009 13:34 - United States

Spicy

Today, after having sex with my boyfriend I went into his shower to freshen up. Where I saw an open bottle of pubic lice shampoo. FML

agreeclassic 125 465

vote type 1 14 007

Cheeky

By BurnedByAWaiter - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff

Today, I went on a blind date at a fancy restaurant. My date was running a bit late, so I went ahead and got a table. I got bored, so I decided to ask my waiter how I looked. He stood there, then said that, "It's against company policy to mock customers to their face." FML

agreeclassic 41 624

vote type 1 8 465

By oldsoulyoungbody - 30/01/2012 15:07 - United States

Spicy

Today, I realized that my husband and I are at that point in our marriage where "sleeping together" means scooting closer to each other in the bed. FML

agreeclassic 29 339

vote type 1 4 198

You what now?

By Acesup111 - 02/03/2011 05:24 - United States

Today, I informed my grandparents of my upcoming graduation from college. My grandma looked at me with tears in her eyes, and told me how proud she was that I was able to make it so far in spite of being autistic. I am not, nor have I ever been autistic. FML

agreeclassic 42 188

vote type 1 3 471

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Keywords

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Top

Top

Today, while on a haunted trail, I accidentally punched a high-schooler in the throat. FML

agreeclassic 21 703

vote type 1 4 610

Today, I lost control of my vehicle while driving. The car went off the road, rolled over, and ended up being totaled. The policeman asked me if I was alright and I said I was. He seemed relieved at my answer. Then he handed me a $300 ticket for failing to maintain my lane. FML

agreeclassic 23 385

vote type 1 6 027

Today, my neighbours watched and laughed as I chased my dog around the lawn, trying to rescue the only clean pair of underwear I had in my house. FML

agreeclassic 25 737

vote type 1 9 909

Today, and for the past 2 years, my aunt has owed me money. She just admitted that she fell for a scam, and gave the scammer more than double the amount I'd loaned her. I felt bad for her… until I realized something. When I asked how she had it to give to them, but not to pay me back, she got mad and hung up on me. FML

agreeclassic 496

vote type 1 85

Today, this guy I've been "seeing" for a year said he didn't want to share my birthday with me because he doesn't want us to get serious. FML

agreeclassic 29 636

vote type 1 3 941

Today, even though I told him not to, my husband tried the old “pull a shotgun on your daughter’s date” thing. It turns out the kid’s mom is a lawyer and his uncle is a cop. Now my husband is under investigation for a hate crime, because the kid is a different race than us. FML

agreeclassic 588

vote type 1 383