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By Anonymous - 20/05/2009 15:42 - United States

Today, me and my co-workers were playing with the Helium tank we got today. We were all giggling like little girls for the better half of 15 minutes. I don't know what is more sad, that a bunch of guys were sucking helium instead of working, or that the youngest guy in the group is 43. FML

agreeclassic 48 106

vote type 1 15 179

By Anonymous - 01/07/2012 00:31

Today, I was T-boned at an intersection. In an ambulance. On the way to the hospital after being T-boned at an intersection. FML

agreeclassic 42 661

vote type 1 2 076

By lala8940 - 28/06/2012 05:20 - United States

Today, my dog was licking the dishes in the dishwasher when his collar got stuck on it. Then he got scared of the dishwasher rack following him and ran away really fast. Now I have no dishes. FML

agreeclassic 24 728

vote type 1 6 779

lala8940 app_comment_confession_title

lala8940 0

Thursday 28 June 2012 17:41

To clear everything up: - they were dirty dishes going into the wash so it didn't really matter - I still have some dishes, but half of them are gone

By poop - 28/02/2012 07:10 - United States

Today, my mother surprised me with a new alarm clock. It's attached to a toy car which races around my room with obnoxious sirens going at full blast until I crawl out of bed and turn it off. She says this will be a regular thing. FML

agreeclassic 23 883

vote type 1 13 000

Sorry not sorry

By Klamp18 - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I attached fifteen-pound weights to each foot so I could burn some extra calories while shoveling snow. My dad asked me to move one of the cars in the driveway. When I put my foot on the gas pedal, I couldn't take it off. I ended up hitting my sister and knocking her into a snow bank. FML

agreeclassic 11 120

vote type 1 54 929

By mathguy - 03/05/2012 12:16 - United States - Green Bay

Today, I went for a job interview for a building position at a retail store. They saw on my application that I was good at math. They asked me what the circumference of a circle is. Being nervous during the interview, I accidentally said the area of a circle. I didn't get the job. FML

agreeclassic 23 365

vote type 1 7 367

By GothicAngel17 - 07/04/2012 01:52 - Australia - Southport

Today, my morning sickness decided to show itself every time I smell coffee. I work at a coffee shop. FML

agreeclassic 31 086

vote type 1 2 630

GothicAngel17 app_comment_confession_title

GothicAngel17 24

Saturday 7 April 2012 9:52

Seems like the best solution so far. I think I might actually try that when everything opens again.

Easily distracted

By WelcomeWagon - 28/06/2010 20:35 - United States

Today, I unpacked in my new, non-air conditioned apartment wearing nothing but underwear, a tank top and an apron to stay cool. Later, I realized I'd crossed through the complex to my car and the dumpster many times, and arranged my deck overlooking the parking lot, without ever donning shorts. FML

agreeclassic 10 547

vote type 1 42 229

By ForeverAlone - 16/04/2011 00:52 - United Kingdom

Today, after watching over my drunken mother all last night to make sure she didn't choke on her own vomit, I came to the conclusion that at the age of 53, she's more of a party animal than I ever will be. I'm a 22 year old man. FML

agreeclassic 31 972

vote type 1 5 422

By Anonymous - 04/04/2015 10:16 - India

Today, the girl I've been seeing for less than a week started raging and ended up threatening me with a knife, after I shot down her idea of getting married next month. FML

agreeclassic 36 369

vote type 1 3 459

By Username - 12/03/2011 05:10 - United States

Today, my boyfriend said he wanted to try something new. By something new, it was to put flour in my butt and see what would happen if I farted. FML

agreeclassic 51 227

vote type 1 8 340

Stolen valor

By Anonymous - 15/07/2009 06:58 - Canada

Today, my husband rescued our daughter's cat from a tree. She spent the next hour clapping and telling me how much of a hero he was. Last night at 2 a.m., I was awoken by meowing and had to rescue the same cat from the same tree, in the dark, and halfway down he shit on me. No one called me a hero. FML

agreeclassic 53 991

vote type 1 5 964

By gag reflex - 16/08/2014 16:03 - Australia - Burwood

Today, while I was at the dentist, I couldn't stop gagging when he tried to put a tab in my mouth to get an x-ray. As I left, I overheard him saying, "I feel sorry for her boyfriend." FML

agreeclassic 58 085

vote type 1 9 819

The L word

By Anonymous - 26/05/2014 15:53 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I told my girlfriend that I love her. She panicked and blurted out our S&M safeword. FML

agreeclassic 52 159

vote type 1 7 137

By clutzirella - 07/08/2015 06:32 - United States - Bradenton

Today, I fed my 4ft python a live rat for the first time. He now has a new friend he won't let me near. FML

agreeclassic 24 973

vote type 1 6 428

clutzirella app_comment_confession_title

clutzirella 17

Saturday 8 August 2015 5:30

the snake is not dead or bitten. I knew what I was doing and the rat is dead and eaten. they were all buddy for a matter of 20 minutes.

By Anonymous - 27/03/2012 04:27 - United States - Panama City

Today, my best friend stopped by my house, borrowed a movie, and left. That was the extent of our communication for the day. Today is my birthday. FML

agreeclassic 32 206

vote type 1 2 524

By damn - 04/01/2013 14:08 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I had a fight with my boyfriend over a girl he is close to. He later arrived with flowers for what I thought was an apology. He was actually breaking up with me; the flowers were for her, he just didn't want to leave them in the car. FML

agreeclassic 31 248

vote type 1 7 357

Get back here!

By Anonymous - 12/02/2010 07:51 - Canada

Today, my very drunk mother decided to run down the block naked, screaming at the top of her lungs, "She's trying to kill me!" as I followed behind her in my car, yelling for her to get in. FML

agreeclassic 36 181

vote type 1 2 771

Catchphrase hell

By Anonymous - 06/09/2013 22:56 - United States

Today, a week after my dad discovered Family Guy and started mindlessly repeating catchphrases from it 24/7, I finally lost my temper and told him how incredibly annoying it was. He just paused, turned to look me in the eye, and said, "Shut up, Meg." FML

agreeclassic 56 986

vote type 1 20 524

Ewwwwww

By ew. - 11/08/2013 13:09 - United States - Titusville

Today, someone told me that my initials really fit my personality. I took it as a strange compliment, until I realized my initials spell "EW". FML

agreeclassic 47 862

vote type 1 4 636

By Liferuinedforever - 14/05/2013 07:13 - Pakistan - Karachi

Today, I found out I'm actually the uncle of my children. All four of them. FML

agreeclassic 110 468

vote type 1 6 761

Rough

By vela9002 - 06/04/2009 07:40 - United States

Today, on my flight to Vegas, I was wishing that a really cute guy would come sit in the seat next to mine. A few minutes later, a really cute guy sat in the seat next to me, and even started to talk to me. When I said, "I like rugged men," he said, "Oh yeah, me too, I really like buff guys." FML

agreeclassic 70 700

vote type 1 13 663

By noname - 25/06/2010 17:29 - United States

Today, my mother wore a see through shirt. She wasn't wearing a bra. FML

agreeclassic 52 596

vote type 1 5 216

No friends of mine

By Cleo - this FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - Brunei Darussalam

Today, I found out that my colleagues don't add me on Facebook so that they can publicly put me down in their statuses, without me knowing. My boss liked the one which said that I talk too much. FML

agreeclassic 34 870

vote type 1 10 615

By Anonymous - 10/07/2013 16:38 - United States - Spencer

Today, my 15-year-old birth daughter asked if I've ever had sex. FML

agreeclassic 57 511

vote type 1 8 353

By Anonymous - 25/09/2014 19:32 - United States - College Station

Today, I have such severe ADD that I can't focus without my medication. When I take the medication, I can only focus on one thing, but not necessarily the thing I need to be focusing on. I have a chem test soon, and I've been vacuuming my room for the past 4 hours. FML

agreeclassic 45 767

vote type 1 4 989

By Kris - 07/08/2011 20:37 - China

Today, at my workplace, a TV was installed just above my register at work which plays the same mind-numbingly awful 13 second ad on loop for the duration of our latest sale. The sale lasts for what are going to be three very long weeks. FML

agreeclassic 29 362

vote type 1 2 756

By tdrtnlz - 11/05/2013 06:25 - United Kingdom - Studley

Today, my stalker ex girlfriend turned up at my wedding, uninvited, wearing a wedding dress. FML

agreeclassic 96 514

vote type 1 6 073

Let's slip out of here

By Anonymous - 07/04/2009 02:11 - United States

Today, my friends and I saw a movie. We sat in the balcony. Halfway during the movie we heard a commotion, thinking it was a group of unruly teenagers like us, we began to pelt the lower half of the theater with candy. We later learned that it was a man having a heart attack. FML

agreeclassic 11 925

vote type 1 100 407

Congratu…

By Anonymous - 10/06/2015 16:13 - United States - Inez

Today, my husband and I broke the news to my 10-year-old son that in about 8 months, he'll have a baby brother or sister. I knew he never wanted a sibling, but I didn't expect him to throw a tantrum, then look at me through teary eyes and scream, "Why can't you keep your fucking legs closed?" FML

agreeclassic 40 997

vote type 1 8 743

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Top

Today, I realised I've been depressed about my recent break up for longer than the relationship even lasted. FML

agreeclassic 31 767

vote type 1 5 989

Today, my brother and I woke up early to get a sneak peek at our Christmas presents. We found our parents having sex on the couch. FML

agreeclassic 40 639

vote type 1 16 372

Today, my girlfriend recently dumped me because she's serious about her career (temp secretary) and needs a man who’s also serious about his career. I’m an area manager for 6 hotels, making almost six figures. I found out she's now dating a very low level weed dealer. Serious career. Sure. FML

agreeclassic 1 766

vote type 1 143

Today, I found a pad in my son’s underwear. FML

agreeclassic 612

vote type 1 56

Today, I'm a MD who graduated with honors. I can't work right now because I'm preparing myself for the medical residence exam. I want to be a cardiovascular surgeon. My dad is ashamed of me and treats me like shit, because I don't work and I'm 26 years-old, living with my parents while I'm studying. FML

agreeclassic 1 719

vote type 1 127

Today, my wax appointment cancelled on me, we’re supposed to be going to Hawaii in the morning and now I can’t wear a bikini because my stomach and back are hairier than my husband's. FML

agreeclassic 1 489

vote type 1 481