Animals

By rb - 01/05/2011 06:02 - United States

Today, I washed my hands and reached for the towel but felt something sticky. It was a house centipede. It exploded. FML

agreeclassic 35 784

vote type 1 3 587

By Cecilly2010 - 28/04/2011 15:53

Today, my drunk dad started yelling at my dog for not having a job. FML

agreeclassic 50 688

vote type 1 5 311

By scarred4life - 27/04/2011 14:05 - Canada

Today, I was absentmindedly playing with a piece of lint. When I looked at it, I realized that I had been rolling and squeezing a dead spider in my fingers for about five minutes. FML

agreeclassic 33 845

vote type 1 19 110

By Anonymous - 27/04/2011 03:07 - United States

Today, I got concussion after a goat ran in front of me while I was jogging. FML

agreeclassic 33 452

vote type 1 4 340

By electricpuddle - 25/04/2011 01:11

Today, while letting horses out to switch pasture, one ran at me, sending me through the electric fence and into a mud puddle. Wrapped in electric fence, I sat in that electric mud puddle, screaming every time it shocked me. Help arrived, once they'd had a good long laugh. FML

agreeclassic 37 836

vote type 1 4 038

By Anonymous - 24/04/2011 08:42 - United States

Today, my dog decided to chase a smaller dog for three blocks. When I finally caught up with him, he laid down and refused to go anywhere. I had to carry my 80 pounds Labrador like a baby all the way home. FML

agreeclassic 33 300

vote type 1 7 469

By bobo - 24/04/2011 01:02 - Canada

Today, I played Angry Birds for two hours. I got so into the game, I failed to remember that I was sitting on a public toilet. I only realized this when the janitor came to check on me. FML

agreeclassic 13 063

vote type 1 52 978

By cdn_steed - 23/04/2011 13:11 - United States

Today, at 5:30 in the morning while I was fast asleep, my cat decided the most threatening thing in my apartment that absolutely needed to be attacked was my left nipple. FML

agreeclassic 35 988

vote type 1 4 664

By Anonymous - 23/04/2011 05:11 - United States

Today, my dog disappeared for an hour. After I'd called her name repeatedly, she crawled out from under my bed, threw up on my feet, and then happily walked out the room. FML

agreeclassic 30 118

vote type 1 4 183

By Anonymous - 20/04/2011 07:27 - South Africa

Today, I'm a student vet. Part of my holiday work is to gain experience working at a dairy. A cow came on to the platform for me to inject her udder. As I was bent over, she decided to take a dump. Onto my left eyeball. FML

agreeclassic 46 117

vote type 1 6 217

By Anonymous - 20/04/2011 02:21 - United States

Today, my cat took a shit in my toaster. FML

agreeclassic 55 616

vote type 1 8 671

By Jukka - 19/04/2011 00:48

Today, I watched Free Willy with my daughter. Later on she decided to free her 6 pet mice into the house. FML

agreeclassic 32 778

vote type 1 8 461

By Wendie - 18/04/2011 16:10 - United States

Today, my 5 week old puppy decided to sleep between my head and the headboard of my bed. I sneezed and my puppy got so scared it caused him to pee on me. FML

agreeclassic 36 561

vote type 1 8 597

By spiderwoman - 15/04/2011 11:47 - United Kingdom

Today, I saw a spider crawling across a poster in my bedroom, so I smacked the spot below it to scare the spider into climbing back up the wall. Instead, because the poster wasn't completely flat to the wall, I catapulted the spider straight into my face. FML

agreeclassic 20 307

vote type 1 32 211

By ciararow - 14/04/2011 23:29 - United States

Today, my boyfriend finally let me take his dog on a walk, after two years of not trusting me to keep her safe. During the walk, a car drove by, causing her to run after it and pulling the leash out of my hand. Five hours later, and I still can't find her. FML

agreeclassic 33 156

vote type 1 26 216

By Username - 13/04/2011 07:05

Today, I got attacked by my own dog. I don't know what will be harder, telling everyone how my dog thought I was a robber or explaining to them why a 25 year old man owns a poodle. FML

agreeclassic 27 328

vote type 1 16 498

By Anonymous - 13/04/2011 02:20

Today, I watched my dog chase his tail for ten minutes, thinking "wow, dogs are easily entertained." Then I realized that I'd been watching my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes. FML

agreeclassic 20 651

vote type 1 41 004

By a man - 10/04/2011 19:32 - United States

Today, my dog decided to fly through the front door like Superman. All 180lbs of her promptly slammed sideways into the wall, putting a dog-sized hole in the plaster. FML

agreeclassic 31 092

vote type 1 3 892

By Sid - 10/04/2011 00:58 - United States

Today, my dog was barking at a squirrel in the yard. I opened the door to let him chase the squirrel. I went to look at the dead squirrel and found out it was the neighbor's chihuahua. FML

agreeclassic 24 707

vote type 1 41 789

By Danielle - 09/04/2011 23:00 - United States

Today, while dog sitting, the dog peed on the carpet. There was a bottle of cleaning spray on the counter so I sprayed the spot. Turns out that spray was Clorox Bleach. Now their carpet is bright orange. FML

agreeclassic 18 328

vote type 1 27 398

By blehhx - 09/04/2011 05:32 - United States

Today, I found out my cat is allergic to ME. No kidding. FML

agreeclassic 38 024

vote type 1 4 392

By tbright010 - 08/04/2011 22:48 - United States

Today, the highlight of my day was learning how to drain my dog's anal glands. FML

agreeclassic 30 538

vote type 1 4 630

By ihateseagulls - 07/04/2011 23:28 - United States

Today, while at the beach, my little sister thought it would be cute to feed a small seagull some of her food. Minutes later a flock of seagulls swarmed and attacked me and my sandwich. FML

agreeclassic 28 678

vote type 1 4 129

RIP

By Anonymous - 07/04/2011 07:11 - United Kingdom

Today, it was sunny and bright so I woke up feeling great. I pulled back the curtains in my room and saw my cat dead on the lawn. FML

agreeclassic 49 891

vote type 1 4 175

By QWERTY - 03/04/2011 23:20

Today, my roommate thought it would be a good idea to show me his huge new tarantula despite knowing that I have extremely severe arachnophobia. I ended up killing it with a book and apparently now owe him $500. FML

agreeclassic 33 200

vote type 1 18 262

By poopybed - 01/04/2011 21:12 - United States

Today, I found out that my dog is so lazy, she doesn't even get out of my bed in the morning to poop. FML

agreeclassic 36 706

vote type 1 6 941

By -_- - 29/03/2011 02:22 - United States

Today, I was walking in the park with my girlfriend, when out of nowhere, I was savaged and brutally humped into submission by a massive Great Dane. Not only did my girlfriend watch it all, but the dog's owner took the time to snap a few pictures with his phone. Neither bothered to help me. FML

agreeclassic 38 997

vote type 1 5 359

By Anonymous - 28/03/2011 18:52 - Macedonia

Today, my boyfriend tried to cure me of my snake phobia by buying one. When he took it out of the cage, it bit him. Now he's terrified of them too. Even worse, he dropped the snake, so it's now loose in our house. FML

agreeclassic 47 807

vote type 1 6 886

By upliftmofo - 28/03/2011 05:56 - Belgium

Today, I discovered my cat frequently licks my toothbrush. FML

agreeclassic 36 679

vote type 1 5 986

By StinkyDogs - 27/03/2011 10:06 - United States

Today, on the way home from the dog groomer, my great Dane had a bout of diarrhea in the car. I slammed on the brakes and my other freshly shampooed dog slid off the seat and into the pile of crap. FML

agreeclassic 33 710

vote type 1 11 269

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Today, my boss asked for recommendations on how to improve the office. I sent her an e-mail full of my ideas. Later, my boss sent me a reply, saying, "Here's what head office thinks of your ideas." It contained a list of insults upper management made about me. FML

agreeclassic 27 236

vote type 1 3 760

Today, I found out that my girlfriend is actually a man. Not a transgender person, I'm okay with that, but an actual gay man who gets a kick out of pranking other guys. FML

agreeclassic 5 573

vote type 1 1 026

Today, my wife is leaving me for the guy she told me not to worry about, who is also her ex. FML

agreeclassic 1 141

vote type 1 127

Today, my ex-boyfriend decided to humiliate me by confessing to my dad in detail what he and I had done together and "apologizing" for taking my virginity. FML

agreeclassic 22 633

vote type 1 2 398

Today, I had to send out yet another email reminding families that everyone must be fully dressed while in view of the screen. This includes the student, any other children and the adults in the home. I teach first grade. It’s almost a weekly occurrence to have to send these. FML

agreeclassic 1 380

vote type 1 160

Today, I’m at that glorious age where I have to pull apart my wrinkles to get at the zits hiding inside. FML

agreeclassic 845

vote type 1 113