Today, I had to take my dog to the vet for him to be put to sleep....

By Anonymous - 26/8/2011 17:49 - United States

Today, I had to take my dog to the vet for him to be put to sleep. I could feel the cold, hard shaft of irony slide its way up my ass and slowly fuck me senseless with every step I took on this beautiful National Dog Day. FML

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Animals

Boozehound

Business savvy

Not a cheating!

By LadyGagasLOVER - 8/8/2010 08:49 - United States

Today, I found out that my best friend is moving to Arkansas, and my girlfriend is going with him. FML

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By kal - 28/2/2012 21:03 - United States

Today, in bio class, we were studying the reproductive system. I don't like talking about this stuff, and I twitched every time my teacher said "penis" or "vagina." When I told my family, they laughed and kept repeating those words just to see me twitch. FML

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By failallday - 7/8/2014 09:09 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, one of my customer's pipes were blocked. As I went to unblock it, about a handful of used condoms collided with my face. I don't know if I should be disgusted by this or disgusted by my customer. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/8/2011 04:11 - United States

Today, I took a taxi to my hotel. I specifically said that my destination was the Hilton resort. He took me to a bed and breakfast across town. When I finally got to my hotel, I cursed him out and didn't give him a tip. I then realized I'd left my phone in the taxi after he left. FML

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By L_M_AND_R_L - 24/6/2016 14:15 - United States

Today, I asked my mom not to bring her dog to my wedding, since he's a real pain in the ass. She told me not to worry about it because she didn't feel like going anyway. FML

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By spiderlady - 21/9/2015 03:00 - United States

Today, I walked face first into a near-invisible spiderweb. There's nothing worse than the feeling of a spider web wrapped around your face. Except maybe the feeling of the spider that saw my screaming mouth as a good hiding spot. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/3/2018 09:00 - United States - Stamford

Today, my boss entrusted me with his car to run an errand, as I usually take the bus. I managed to get there and back safely before someone slammed into me while I was re-entering the lot, causing major damage. It was his wife, who thought I was a car thief. FML

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By arace15336 - 22/8/2010 06:17 - United States

Today, I found out that my boyfriend is only staying with me for the present I promised him for his birthday. FML

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By Hareega - 19/12/2009 07:39 - United States

Today, I took my first day off in 3 weeks just so I can sleep in. The office secretary woke me up at 7.12 am with a page wishing me a nice day off. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/8/2014 00:20 - Canada - Gatineau

Today, my dad was doing FaceTime with a friend. He turned his iPhone towards my sister and said "There's my daughter..." He then turned it to me and said "...and there's my ugly son", then walked away. I'm still not sure if it's a joke or not. FML

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By littlekellilee - 5/11/2018 03:00

Today, I reached out to an old friend to ask how his battle with cancer is going. He responded by asking for boob pics. FML

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By PeePee - 3/7/2009 19:19 - United States

Today, at work I had to use the bathroom. I asked my boss to watch my register and quickly walked into the bathroom. I squatted down and peed. A minute later I heard someone ask over our walkie talkie system who was using the bathroom. I had been pressing the intercom button while I peed. FML

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By j - 4/6/2009 03:36 - Australia

Today, I rode my bike to the grocery store. I left my bike on the small bike rack they have outside the door. When I came out 5 minutes later I found someone had tied their enormous, growling German Shepard to the same rack. I had to wait for the owner to come out who then laughed at me. FML

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By Maxie-Nathanial - 23/5/2010 09:10 - United States

Today, after having sex with my boyfriend, he played with and named my boobs. Complete with a full skit where "Maxie" killed "Nathanial." FML

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2012 00:45 - United States - Eugene

Today, I was slapped by a fourteen-year-old girl because I was apparently "stealing her boyfriend." I'm twenty-five, and her boyfriend is my nephew. FML

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By akasoor - 11/2/2013 01:51 - Canada - Hythe

Today, I went to the local pet store to purchase a large dog bed so my dog wouldn't sleep in mine. After I got home and set up her bed, I realized I forgot to buy dog treats. When I came home again, her new bed was torn to shreds, and she was still sleeping on my bed. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/9/2011 13:55 - Australia

Today, I was expecting my period. To avoid the embarrassment of everyone in the office finding out, instead of putting tampons in my bag, I hid one in my bra. It fell out while I was coming back from lunch. I am now known to all as "The Tampon Dispenser". FML

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By Terrance - 14/8/2019 23:01 - United Kingdom - Basingstoke

Today, I tried to point out to a chap in a van waiting at the lights that his tyre was flat, and that the rim had been spitting sparks all the way down the road. I was told in no uncertain terms, “Mind your own bleedin' business!” FML

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By anonymous - 7/6/2009 06:18 - Korea Republic of

Today, I met a hot guy at the club. We danced and had a really good time, so I invited him home with me for the night. The next morning, I awoke to the sound of what I thought to be running water. I looked up to find him, naked and pissing into my air conditioner unit. FML

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By cat - 7/8/2019 18:00

Today, I thought I was seeing double. My neighbours got a new dog, which is exactly the same as the other one, except that it hates me twice as much. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/12/2010 05:17 - United States

Today, my custom printed Christmas cards that I reviewed twice before ordering, came in the mail. This year I will be wishing everyone a "wondeful" holiday season. I'm an elementary school teacher. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/2/2020 19:00

I don't care

Today, my girlfriend sent me a revenge video of her having sex with another guy, because I cheated on her. I got angry with her, but later used the video to masturbate. FML

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By hugme101 - 20/12/2010 00:20 - Canada

Today, after a long time convincing my parents that my boyfriend is really a good guy, not only did he decide to come by the house completely drunk, but he also ended up trying to kiss my mom, thinking it was me. FML

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By Foxy - 5/2/2009 14:06 - United States

Today, I had just gotten over the flu and thought I was better. So me and my boyfriend decided to have sex. As I was about to orgasm, I puked all over his face. He was so disgusted that he ended up throwing up on me as well. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/12/2011 20:11 - Sweden

Today, the heating in my house broke down. I called my boyfriend and asked if I could stay at his place until I could get it fixed. He said no, and told me my overgrown leg hair would keep me warm. FML

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By Evelyn - 19/3/2012 20:18 - United States

Today, I was at the park with my friends. We were all having fun on the swings, when out of nowhere I heard a thud, followed by a child crying. Turns out I accidentally kicked him in the head. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/8/2017 13:00

Mommy Goes Commando

Today, I went to a restaurant with my family. My five year old goes under the table and says "Mommy! You forgot to wear underwear!" FML

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By Anonymous - 31/5/2013 04:05 - United States - Union City

Today, some jackass in an Iron Man mask nailed me in the head with a quarter while I was helping other customers. Minimum wage isn't worth this crap. FML

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By faded as shit - 27/9/2011 01:10 - United States

Today, my parents took away my laptop, TV, Xbox, and car all because I broke up with my girlfriend. They said when I patch things up with her, I can have my stuff back. FML

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By I pick em' good - 3/5/2015 17:49 - United States

Today, I found out why my husband has been coming home from work so late. Turns out he loves to help people. Specifically female people. And by help, I mean sleep with. FML

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By NotASportsGuy - 6/9/2015 12:46 - United States - Long Island City

Today, I started my new job. The first thing my coworkers asked me is what football team I like. When I told them I didn't really like sports, they immediately stopped talking to me and haven't since, even when I ask them work-related questions. FML

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By Singlelady - 21/9/2016 19:16 - United Kingdom - Stoke-on-trent

Today, my sister gently asked me if I was gay. Turns out I've been without a boyfriend for so long that the whole family believes I secretly have a girlfriend. FML

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By emmey - 23/7/2009 19:43 - United States

Today, while showering at my boyfriend's house early this morning, I saw a huge black spider on the wall. I am allergic to spiders, so in my disorientation I ran out of the shower screaming, slipped, sprained my wrist and bruised my tailbone. Turns out the spider was a clump of hair. My hair. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/5/2015 13:47 - United States

Today, I was feeling pretty, so I wore a skirt for the first time in years. Two hours later, my thighs hurt from slapping together so much. I no longer feel pretty. FML

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By m33p - 5/2/2015 20:42 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I took a nice relaxing dump at school, in my pants, in the middle of class. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/8/2019 00:01

Today, I hooked up with a guy. He didn't last 30 seconds before finishing, Then his car wouldn't start. I ended up walking home after a hook up that wasn't worth it. FML

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By Saraitkddh - 6/10/2018 05:00

Today, my friend told me that my brother sent her a picture of his dick. How did she tell me this? By sending me the picture. FML

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By Username - 19/6/2011 09:51 - Australia

Today, I saw myself on the news. I was one of the random passers by they had filmed for their story on the "Fat Epidemic." FML

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By Brett - 3/4/2017 22:00

Today, Club Penguin finally shut down. I then got a call from one of my employees, who said that he needed to take a day off from work to, "emotionally deal with the issue." FML

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By Username - 23/1/2011 18:44 - United States

Today, my best friend came over for dinner and a movie. Moments after arriving, she spent an hour on the phone, and ended up accepting another invitation before leaving. I guess it's dinner for one tonight. FML

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Top comments

By irollup | 4

#3184329 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:10

This was wonderfully written. I've never read an FML so descriptive.

By gunmania0 | 12

#3184337 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:10

That was a good hard metaphor.

Comments

By dancefan0220 | 0

#3184318 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:08

Hats sad D:

TipsfromSips | 3

#3184366 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:13

if the dog was very old/in pain you did the right thing OP

futtbuck101 | 1

#3184374 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:13

Rape is a serious crime. Don't be afraid to tell someone.

genesisnirvana | 11

#3184402 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:14

Definitely loving OP's way of describing the irony.

fanceh | 10

#3184413 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:15

that wasn't the only hard shaft going up your ass that day, was it?

ripgeorgecarl1n | 7

#3184977 - Saturday 27 August 2011 0:29

It's kinda like rapists who feel the cold, hard shaft of irony up the ass in prison. Metaphorically speaking of course.

lilmisslovely13 | 15

#3185107 - Saturday 27 August 2011 0:44

This is very poetic. I was a little surprised, but pleased :)

emmaa3451 | 11

#3185265 - Saturday 27 August 2011 1:09

Damn those raping shafts of irony!! Hahaha

FFPulley | 9

#3185472 - Saturday 27 August 2011 1:55

Did you go take a scalding hot shower afterwards to wash away the shame of this visit to the vet that you were apparently raped at?

nadyy14 | 8

#3186188 - Saturday 27 August 2011 4:56

I know how it feels to have your pet put asleep...its sad :'( you know what makes me feel better, hanging around with people you love!

sciencekidster1 | 8

#3186340 - Saturday 27 August 2011 5:37

The Sorting Hat is the nicest hat of all. It somehow finds something nice to say about Slytherin.

xcarxcrashx | 9

#3186418 - Saturday 27 August 2011 5:52

176 LMAO!!!

Winnerz4life | 0

#3186464 - Saturday 27 August 2011 6:05

Iheartfunny | 1

#3187261 - Saturday 27 August 2011 7:41

If I had stoped reading at "cold hard shaft of irony slid up my ass" I still would have laughfed like helk but the ending really didit for me (thats what she said) But seriously OP sorry about your dog

ChucklesTheClown | 4

#3187794 - Saturday 27 August 2011 9:03

There's a national dog day? Why?

JoHire | 0

#3188759 - Saturday 27 August 2011 13:56

Because dogs are awesome^

Friaza | 29

#3190473 - Saturday 27 August 2011 19:03

@9 You don't kill living creatures because they're old...

captn_fml | 0

#3191606 - Sunday 28 August 2011 0:47

Fucking win.

abbey321 | 8

#3753054 - Monday 19 December 2011 4:55

My cat shadow died on my lap. I miss him so much! He wasn't in pain but he was old he died healthy and in my arms. ;(

By lancer3044 | 0

#3184321 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:09

snowdrift | 6

#3185226 - Saturday 27 August 2011 1:04

Ahah what a metaphor....:// sorry about yo dawgi op

By irollup | 4

#3184329 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:10

This was wonderfully written. I've never read an FML so descriptive.

sovietkiwi | 0

#3184347 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:11

Hahaha I know right

sovietkiwi | 0

#3184349 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:11

Hahaha I know right

Laurenlou | 24

#3184404 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:15

OP must have a ton of great analogies like this!

gunmania0 | 12

#3184463 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:20

15 - analogy is such a dirty word, and it correctly matches the FML... You get a +1.

Laurenlou | 24

#3184523 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:26

24- Analogy is not a dirty word. But thanks!

mazochyst | 10

#3184577 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:32

30, ANALogy is what I think they were getting at.

ollierobs | 0

#3184606 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:35

Ow. I could feel it. So cold... So cold...

Laurenlou | 24

#3184622 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:37

39- Oh I see that now!
Sorry I don't keep my mind in the gutter. Haha

KiddNYC1O | 20

#3184655 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:42

45- You should. It's this new trend...

rawrface22 | 10

#3184729 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:51

'twas beautifully composed

tj4234 | 35

#3184791 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:59

If OP managed to write like this in 200 characters or less, I'd love to have a conversation with him/her in real life.

ihasbrains | 10

#3185045 - Saturday 27 August 2011 0:37

This reminds me of the FML about Satan's ass gas. Wonderful descriptions, eh?

xX_LilSammie_Xx | 4

#3185321 - Saturday 27 August 2011 1:21

It's like I was actually there.

mgon93 | 0

#3186233 - Saturday 27 August 2011 5:11

Very true

itouchuser77 | 8

#3187946 - Saturday 27 August 2011 9:33

Poetry my good man

aftertheriot | 0

#3190072 - Saturday 27 August 2011 17:46

this gives a whole new meaning to f your life

jdawg2010 | 0

#3190176 - Saturday 27 August 2011 18:08

i know right!

geoffnel10 | 0

#3191976 - Sunday 28 August 2011 2:35

sucks if it's a guy...

FML102938 | 8

#3543918 - Saturday 5 November 2011 5:25

I am so turned on by this

HelloHolaBonjour_fml | 11

#6427770 - Monday 5 October 2015 22:14

1,000 likes thanks to me

By FunnyGuy5051 | 7

#3184334 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:10

sorry to hear that op, I never knew there was a national dog day tho

ugottaluvme | 0

#3187076 - Saturday 27 August 2011 7:24

Ahh, your a funny guy ehh?

xNephilim | 18

#3473049 - Saturday 22 October 2011 22:13

There is a national day for everything.

By gunmania0 | 12

#3184337 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:10

That was a good hard metaphor.

Midnightpearls | 13

#3185344 - Saturday 27 August 2011 1:26

Oh god lmao

By cre8or99 | 0

#3184344 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:11

That's ruff

santasadiekins | 0

#3184383 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:13

that, my friend, was so bad I giggled

gunmania0 | 12

#3184389 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:14

I see what you did there! For those that don't get it, dogs go 'ruff'.

minnymouse20 | 13

#3184410 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:15

Aha that's smart

gunmania0 | 12

#3184432 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:17

Are you not going to thank me for point that out 17? :(

AdriTheCutie | 0

#3184683 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:47

Lol "ruff" dog!! Haha

KiddNYC1O | 20

#3184726 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:51

13- OMFG! How in the hell did you figure that out, champ?

gunmania0 | 12

#3184871 - Saturday 27 August 2011 0:11

62 - are you a dick in real life or just whilst behind your computer in your mums basement?

KiddNYC1O | 20

#3184924 - Saturday 27 August 2011 0:21

81- Thanks for playing, kid.

KiddNYC1O | 20

#3185025 - Saturday 27 August 2011 0:35

I may have insulted you but make no mistake about it, I'm sure you insulted everyone on FML with comment #13.

gunmania0 | 12

#3185234 - Saturday 27 August 2011 1:05

90 - Did you read 60's comment...?

gunmania0 | 12

#3185253 - Saturday 27 August 2011 1:07

93*

KiddNYC1O | 20

#3185422 - Saturday 27 August 2011 1:42

Okay, don't take it personal. I saw your comment first.

I_Hate_Tpyos | 0

#3186676 - Saturday 27 August 2011 6:55

13- he may be on his iPod instead of a computer.

ugottaluvme | 0

#3193154 - Sunday 28 August 2011 5:43

Lol 17 in gonba text you k?

ichikibobivopula | 0

#3197497 - Monday 29 August 2011 2:07

Oh I get it now.

mylifesucks12345_fml | 0

#3232127 - Sunday 4 September 2011 6:19

The guy just lost his dog man.
Really?

By sariannacanna | 6

#3184375 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:13

I almost cried at the crude beauty of your metaphor *claps* bravo my friend, bravo. Sorry about your dog.

False_Stupidity | 41

#3185703 - Saturday 27 August 2011 2:48

Do you mean "cruel" beauty? 'cause I don't think the beauty was crude at all.

By Btreasure | 8

#3184417 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:15

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By aichd13 | 4

#3184437 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:18

You win the game.

ironwords | 8

#3185754 - Saturday 27 August 2011 2:59

I lost it

By wilsontws | 18

#3184439 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:18

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

lidsthesquid | 4

#3185349 - Saturday 27 August 2011 1:27

Not the time -_-

ripjohnlennon | 5

#3185847 - Saturday 27 August 2011 3:26

Asian power!!!!!

HomeAl0ne | 20

#3203841 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 7:46

Irony - possessing the quality of ironness, made of iron.