Today, I had to take my dog to the vet for him to be put to sleep....

By Anonymous - 26/8/2011 17:49 - United States

Today, I had to take my dog to the vet for him to be put to sleep. I could feel the cold, hard shaft of irony slide its way up my ass and slowly fuck me senseless with every step I took on this beautiful National Dog Day. FML

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Animals

Alexa, play "The Lovecats" by The Cure

Fake News

Not gonna happen

By Anonymous - 18/9/2017 01:30

Today, I realized that the random string of numbers I deleted in my phone notes a few months ago was actually the pin code to my new bank account. FML

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2184

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By iDisable - 19/6/2011 00:27 - Australia

Today, my brother thought it would be funny to disable my iPod Touch for 45 minutes. After 45 minutes, I went to enter my password. I missed a number accidentally. 50 minutes to go. FML

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24570

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By heycutie - 15/4/2014 04:24 - United States - Grand Rapids

Today, while I was waiting for the bus, I was whistling. I saw a cute girl running and I looked at my phone so it didn't seem too awkward. I was still whistling as she passed by so it sounded like I whistled at her. She ran back to slap me. FML

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42857

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By married to a nerd - 7/6/2018 20:30

Today, I asked my 4-year-old daughter where her father went. She said, "Out to have fun with Zoe." Acting on suspicion, I followed him and did a stakeout. Hours later, I barged in and caught him playing Dungeons and Dragons. "Zoe" is the female wizard he plays as. FML

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1766

You deserved it

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By me - 6/9/2009 21:33 - United States

Today, I met some of my boyfriend's family for the first time. His aunt said I was really cute, which made me happy. As we were leaving I said "Your aunt thought I was cute." His reply..."Yeah, well, my aunt's on drugs". FML

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48504

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By HomeImprover - 2/11/2016 17:34

Today, I rode my newly-purchased bicycle to Lowe's to look at flooring and back splashes for our upcoming remodel. Upon leaving the store, I found out that my bicycle had been stolen by someone who had bought a hacksaw from that store while I was shopping. They left the receipt to mock me. FML

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10448

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By Anonymous - 9/7/2016 15:14

Today, I overheard my boss talking about me on the phone. Turns out he was drunk off his ass when he gave the go-ahead to hire me, and he's now searching for any excuse to legally fire me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12836

You deserved it

894

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By Pepsi - 6/9/2020 14:02 - United States

Social reform, please

Today, I saw my grandfather kick my dog, who is a 6-pound chihuahua, across the room. When I confronted him about it, he screamed at me for having "too much sex during the apocalypse" and "invading my brain with your pancakes." This man is my legal guardian for 3 more years. FML

I agree, your life sucks

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You deserved it

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By rob - 23/11/2008 10:59 - France

Today, my mum prepared my bag for football practice. In the changing room I found one of her thongs. FML

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30237

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By bleh - 27/11/2010 00:23 - United States

Today, I discovered my parents took me to a specialist when I was a baby because they thought I had a facial deformity. It turns out I'm just ugly. FML

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39068

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By Anonymous - 13/8/2013 02:54 - United States - Denver

Today, I received a phone call that started with, "Now stay calm... Your house is on fire." FML

I agree, your life sucks

51664

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - 21/7/2012 05:26 - United States

Today, I was headed on vacation with my family. On the way, our trailer tire blew out. Because the trailer was tilted from the flat tire, the door would not open to get the spare. After breaking the window to get the spare and putting it on, the spare blew out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23740

You deserved it

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By shelby - 30/3/2011 04:54 - United States

Today, I realized I don't know which is sadder: the fact I have detailed conversations with myself in my car, or that I bought a Bluetooth earpiece so that I can do it in public without people thinking I'm a complete lunatic. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38406

You deserved it

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By KBBL - 12/3/2014 16:02 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, at a staff meeting, our boss sighed and asked why I'm always in the meetings instead of my co-worker. I reminded him that it's because I'm the department supervisor, not my co-worker. He wouldn't believe me until he saw it for himself in our personnel files. FML

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41820

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By AbandonedHouseWife - 17/10/2012 20:16 - Canada - Grande Prairie

Today, I woke up and found a little note where my husband should have been. It said, "We've had some good times, hun, but it's time for me to move on." We've been married for 15 years, and have 3 children. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47051

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By Anonymous - 13/8/2020 20:06

Big boomer energy

Today, my father-in law-shared his opinion that autistic kids should be beaten until they act normal. He saw fit to share this while my autistic son was having a meltdown because my father-in-law came to the house without warning, and my son violently hates visitors without prior warning. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2064

You deserved it

217

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By lonely - 25/7/2009 11:13 - United States

Today, I was talking to my mom lamenting the fact that none of my few relationships seem to last longer than 2 months. She asked why and I said, "because I'm paranoid, obsessive compulsive, judgmental, defensive, and stubborn." Instead of encouraging me, she said, "Well, at least you're honest." FML

I agree, your life sucks

14547

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By x_udontknowme_x - 5/1/2011 16:41 - United States

Today, while I was out of the office, I'd left my phone charging inside. My boss informed me that since I am clearly running up her electricity bill, it will be deducted out of my already nearly non existent paycheck. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27211

You deserved it

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By Stewtato - 12/7/2019 22:30

Today, a bat flew into my house. We locked it in my brother's room, complete with cats, and just barely got it back outside alive. We later found out it was an endangered species, so we also narrowly avoided arrest. FML

I agree, your life sucks

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By Bad Dad - 20/10/2014 03:48 - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I caught my 15-year-old son trying to roll catnip into a joint and smoke it. FML

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By DuckMan - 7/10/2017 13:00

Truthbomb

Today, I made my niece cry when I told her that snakes are just tails with faces. She won't stop. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/12/2008 04:32 - United States

Today, I was jacking off casually to a picture of my ex-girlfriend, when all of the sudden, my friend sends me an IM picture of a granny bending over which pops up on my screen. I think my sex life is ruined forever. FML

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By ballthlete - 6/9/2015 04:55 - United States - Edmond

Today, the girl I like at work surprised me in the otherwise empty break room. She caught me taking part in what might as well have been the Ball-Scratching Olympics. I didn't notice she was behind me until she cleared her throat to get my attention. Shit. FML

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By Colleen Nichols - 4/2/2013 12:17 - United States - Piscataway

Today, I ran into a former co-worker who I hadn't seen in years. She was raving at how I hadn't aged a bit, but before I could thank her she said, "But, you know, chubby people age better." FML

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By I Have Failed - 2/4/2014 20:10 - Spain - Madrid

Today, my 14-year-old son's pathetic rebellion came to a head. He ran away from home, leaving a note saying he hates me and was leaving forever to be part of a gang his friends had formed. He came back an hour later crying. His whole gang had gotten mugged, which he somehow blamed me for. FML

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By UFVKNP - 10/3/2017 16:00

Today, my coworker and I were swamped with coffee orders. I told him I would "take care of the blacks", and a customer who only heard that sentence screamed at me for several minutes about racism. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/3/2011 06:07 - Canada

Today, I was performing a show about pirates for a youth program. A child started crying because I wasn't a real pirate. A little girl took my defense: "He's a real pirate, his teeth are all yellow!" FML

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By amyhyett - 28/1/2015 23:18 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I walked into a door on my way in to an interview, in front of the interviewer and a group of people waiting to be interviewed. FML

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By Redfaced - 15/5/2013 16:54 - United Kingdom - Walsall

Today, I was sitting next to an attractive man. Much to my surprise, he started stroking his foot against mine. I was happy at the flirting because I've been attracted to him forever, so I played along. That's when he stood up and explained he was trying to stretch out a cramp. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/6/2013 17:51 - United States - State College

Today, I was going to set up my air conditioner in the window. As I opened up the window, I must have disturbed a wasp nest, because a dozen wasps flew in and several of them stung me. The rest are now somewhere in my house with my terrified girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45816

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By Anonymous - 18/10/2011 06:55 - United States

Today, I was washing my hands in the bathroom when I looked up and saw a spider on my cheek. Panicking, I slapped myself in the face as hard as I could to kill it. Turns out the spider was on the mirror. FML

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21183

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By billjoebob424 - 7/2/2020 01:00 - Canada

My pleasure

Today, I've realised that I give my girlfriend more pleasure with back rubs than with anything sexual. FML

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2067

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By Anonymous - 19/6/2018 01:30

Worth it.

Today, my now ex-boyfriend told me the only reason he has stayed with me for the last 6 months is because of the Netflix account. FML

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3839

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By sparkle - 31/1/2010 04:01 - United States

Today, I discovered that my roommate uses her Twitter account to complain about me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25779

You deserved it

5802

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By logkitty - 10/4/2012 04:35 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I was sitting in my car outside my apartment complex when a man came around the corner holding something shiny, and I thought was a gun. Thinking I was about to get robbed at gun point, I bugged out and threw up. It was a silver watering can. He asked if I was okay. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19494

You deserved it

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By ihatemylife - 20/8/2009 17:50 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. When I asked her why she did, she said that the psychic that she was texting (one of those 44644 numbers) said we have a 2% compatibility rating. How does that explain 4 years of happy dating? FML

I agree, your life sucks

56491

You deserved it

4396

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2017 13:00

Today, my seemingly innocent younger brother showed our family a video of what he was doing last night when he skipped New Student Orientation. He's been in college all of 48 hours and he's already joined a fight club. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3158

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By Anonymous - 20/12/2019 20:00 - Australia - Brisbane

Impressive hairstyle

Today, I went to the hairdresser and changed my hairstyle drastically. It wasn't until she was nearly done that she said, "I just KNEW this style wasn't going to suit you." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1937

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249

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By Anonymous - 23/4/2013 16:24 - United States

Today, I took my Spanish test, and I felt very confident. I got the test back later, and saw my teacher had written on it: "Congrats on the 94%, but I know you cheated." FML

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By moe - 15/2/2011 03:07 - United States

Today, the only person to wish me a Happy Valentine's day was a wrong number calling my cell phone. FML

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34879

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Top comments

By irollup | 4

#3184329 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:10

This was wonderfully written. I've never read an FML so descriptive.

By gunmania0 | 12

#3184337 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:10

That was a good hard metaphor.

COMMENTS

By dancefan0220 | 0

#3184318 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:08

Hats sad D:

TipsfromSips | 3

#3184366 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:13

if the dog was very old/in pain you did the right thing OP

futtbuck101 | 1

#3184374 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:13

Rape is a serious crime. Don't be afraid to tell someone.

genesisnirvana | 11

#3184402 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:14

Definitely loving OP's way of describing the irony.

fanceh | 10

#3184413 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:15

that wasn't the only hard shaft going up your ass that day, was it?

ripgeorgecarl1n | 7

#3184977 - Saturday 27 August 2011 0:29

It's kinda like rapists who feel the cold, hard shaft of irony up the ass in prison. Metaphorically speaking of course.

lilmisslovely13 | 15

#3185107 - Saturday 27 August 2011 0:44

This is very poetic. I was a little surprised, but pleased :)

emmaa3451 | 11

#3185265 - Saturday 27 August 2011 1:09

Damn those raping shafts of irony!! Hahaha

FFPulley | 9

#3185472 - Saturday 27 August 2011 1:55

Did you go take a scalding hot shower afterwards to wash away the shame of this visit to the vet that you were apparently raped at?

nadyy14 | 8

#3186188 - Saturday 27 August 2011 4:56

I know how it feels to have your pet put asleep...its sad :'( you know what makes me feel better, hanging around with people you love!

sciencekidster1 | 8

#3186340 - Saturday 27 August 2011 5:37

The Sorting Hat is the nicest hat of all. It somehow finds something nice to say about Slytherin.

xcarxcrashx | 9

#3186418 - Saturday 27 August 2011 5:52

176 LMAO!!!

Winnerz4life | 0

#3186464 - Saturday 27 August 2011 6:05

Iheartfunny | 1

#3187261 - Saturday 27 August 2011 7:41

If I had stoped reading at "cold hard shaft of irony slid up my ass" I still would have laughfed like helk but the ending really didit for me (thats what she said) But seriously OP sorry about your dog

ChucklesTheClown | 4

#3187794 - Saturday 27 August 2011 9:03

There's a national dog day? Why?

JoHire | 0

#3188759 - Saturday 27 August 2011 13:56

Because dogs are awesome^

Friaza | 29

#3190473 - Saturday 27 August 2011 19:03

@9 You don't kill living creatures because they're old...

captn_fml | 0

#3191606 - Sunday 28 August 2011 0:47

Fucking win.

abbey321 | 8

#3753054 - Monday 19 December 2011 4:55

My cat shadow died on my lap. I miss him so much! He wasn't in pain but he was old he died healthy and in my arms. ;(

By lancer3044 | 0

#3184321 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:09

snowdrift | 6

#3185226 - Saturday 27 August 2011 1:04

Ahah what a metaphor....:// sorry about yo dawgi op

By irollup | 4

#3184329 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:10

This was wonderfully written. I've never read an FML so descriptive.

sovietkiwi | 0

#3184347 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:11

Hahaha I know right

sovietkiwi | 0

#3184349 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:11

Hahaha I know right

Laurenlou | 24

#3184404 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:15

OP must have a ton of great analogies like this!

gunmania0 | 12

#3184463 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:20

15 - analogy is such a dirty word, and it correctly matches the FML... You get a +1.

Laurenlou | 24

#3184523 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:26

24- Analogy is not a dirty word. But thanks!

mazochyst | 10

#3184577 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:32

30, ANALogy is what I think they were getting at.

ollierobs | 0

#3184606 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:35

Ow. I could feel it. So cold... So cold...

Laurenlou | 24

#3184622 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:37

39- Oh I see that now!
Sorry I don't keep my mind in the gutter. Haha

KiddNYC1O | 20

#3184655 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:42

45- You should. It's this new trend...

rawrface22 | 10

#3184729 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:51

'twas beautifully composed

tj4234 | 35

#3184791 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:59

If OP managed to write like this in 200 characters or less, I'd love to have a conversation with him/her in real life.

ihasbrains | 10

#3185045 - Saturday 27 August 2011 0:37

This reminds me of the FML about Satan's ass gas. Wonderful descriptions, eh?

xX_LilSammie_Xx | 4

#3185321 - Saturday 27 August 2011 1:21

It's like I was actually there.

mgon93 | 0

#3186233 - Saturday 27 August 2011 5:11

Very true

itouchuser77 | 8

#3187946 - Saturday 27 August 2011 9:33

Poetry my good man

aftertheriot | 0

#3190072 - Saturday 27 August 2011 17:46

this gives a whole new meaning to f your life

jdawg2010 | 0

#3190176 - Saturday 27 August 2011 18:08

i know right!

geoffnel10 | 0

#3191976 - Sunday 28 August 2011 2:35

sucks if it's a guy...

FML102938 | 8

#3543918 - Saturday 5 November 2011 5:25

I am so turned on by this

HelloHolaBonjour_fml | 11

#6427770 - Monday 5 October 2015 22:14

1,000 likes thanks to me

By FunnyGuy5051 | 7

#3184334 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:10

sorry to hear that op, I never knew there was a national dog day tho

ugottaluvme | 0

#3187076 - Saturday 27 August 2011 7:24

Ahh, your a funny guy ehh?

xNephilim | 18

#3473049 - Saturday 22 October 2011 22:13

There is a national day for everything.

By gunmania0 | 12

#3184337 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:10

That was a good hard metaphor.

Midnightpearls | 13

#3185344 - Saturday 27 August 2011 1:26

Oh god lmao

By cre8or99 | 0

#3184344 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:11

That's ruff

santasadiekins | 0

#3184383 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:13

that, my friend, was so bad I giggled

gunmania0 | 12

#3184389 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:14

I see what you did there! For those that don't get it, dogs go 'ruff'.

minnymouse20 | 13

#3184410 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:15

Aha that's smart

gunmania0 | 12

#3184432 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:17

Are you not going to thank me for point that out 17? :(

AdriTheCutie | 0

#3184683 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:47

Lol "ruff" dog!! Haha

KiddNYC1O | 20

#3184726 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:51

13- OMFG! How in the hell did you figure that out, champ?

gunmania0 | 12

#3184871 - Saturday 27 August 2011 0:11

62 - are you a dick in real life or just whilst behind your computer in your mums basement?

KiddNYC1O | 20

#3184924 - Saturday 27 August 2011 0:21

81- Thanks for playing, kid.

KiddNYC1O | 20

#3185025 - Saturday 27 August 2011 0:35

I may have insulted you but make no mistake about it, I'm sure you insulted everyone on FML with comment #13.

gunmania0 | 12

#3185234 - Saturday 27 August 2011 1:05

90 - Did you read 60's comment...?

gunmania0 | 12

#3185253 - Saturday 27 August 2011 1:07

93*

KiddNYC1O | 20

#3185422 - Saturday 27 August 2011 1:42

Okay, don't take it personal. I saw your comment first.

I_Hate_Tpyos | 0

#3186676 - Saturday 27 August 2011 6:55

13- he may be on his iPod instead of a computer.

ugottaluvme | 0

#3193154 - Sunday 28 August 2011 5:43

Lol 17 in gonba text you k?

ichikibobivopula | 0

#3197497 - Monday 29 August 2011 2:07

Oh I get it now.

mylifesucks12345_fml | 0

#3232127 - Sunday 4 September 2011 6:19

The guy just lost his dog man.
Really?

By sariannacanna | 6

#3184375 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:13

I almost cried at the crude beauty of your metaphor *claps* bravo my friend, bravo. Sorry about your dog.

False_Stupidity | 41

#3185703 - Saturday 27 August 2011 2:48

Do you mean "cruel" beauty? 'cause I don't think the beauty was crude at all.

By Btreasure | 8

#3184417 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:15

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By aichd13 | 4

#3184437 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:18

You win the game.

ironwords | 8

#3185754 - Saturday 27 August 2011 2:59

I lost it

By wilsontws | 18

#3184439 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:18

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

lidsthesquid | 4

#3185349 - Saturday 27 August 2011 1:27

Not the time -_-

ripjohnlennon | 5

#3185847 - Saturday 27 August 2011 3:26

Asian power!!!!!

HomeAl0ne | 20

#3203841 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 7:46

Irony - possessing the quality of ironness, made of iron.