Animals: Today, I had to take my dog to the vet for him to be put to sleep....

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to take my dog to the vet for him to be put to sleep. I could feel the cold, hard shaft of irony slide its way up my ass and slowly fuck me senseless with every step I took on this beautiful National Dog Day. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37543

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Animals

Late term

Innocent

CPTSD

By Anonymous - United States

Today, at work, an old lady came through my line to buy some groceries. She told me she lost her purse and was a little short. It was busy, so I pulled out my little purse and gave her the money she needed. A few minutes later she returned with my boss, insisting that my purse was hers. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37662

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By rangerluke - United States

Today, I went to an indoor trampoline park. This would usually be fun, except that I got there, broke my ankle, and left in an ambulance, all before my friends even arrived. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19726

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2181

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By MarkTheShark - United States

Today, I left work to find a note on my windshield that read, "I think you're cute," with a phone number written down as well. I got super excited and immediately dialed. The phone was answered by a woman laughing hysterically. It was my Mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40686

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6812

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By familydisaster - United States

OK Shaggy

Today, I was fired from my job at a local family-ran restaurant. The Reason? The owner's daughter has been stealing money from the register little by little and has blamed me for all the lost money. The boss is still convinced it's me, though, because his daughter would "never tell a lie". FML

I agree, your life sucks

52474

You deserved it

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By Ann - United States

Today, I went to the store to buy some groceries. While I was at the store, an employee came up to me and said, "You're beautiful!" When I came home I told my husband what had just happened. My husband then asked, "What was wrong with him?" FML

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54441

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my 4 year-old daughter's favorite expression became "shit balls." FML

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34362

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16923

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By BudmaudeY - Sweden

Today, I noticed that the injury on my hand from three weeks ago no longer hurt. A while later, I accidentally slammed that same hand in a door. FML

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23344

You deserved it

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By emilygreeny - United States

Today, I learned that you should never, ever, under any circumstance, take a laxative and a sleeping pill on the same night. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13440

You deserved it

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By Mith - Poland

Today, in biology class, I kept seeing a fly mosquito buzzing past my face and I kept trying to swat at it... only to realize that it was a ceiling sprinkler that was about 10 feet away. I have no depth perception. FML

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17316

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By Pelota - United States

Today, I tried to stop a drunk girl from driving home. She took a couple swings at me, which I dodged. Feeling pretty good about it, I tried to get the keys from her hand. She leaned over, and sunk her teeth in to my bare shoulder. The doctor says I will have a scar. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52363

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me the reason he can't keep an erection while we have sex is that I'm not attractive enough. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32713

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By alyssac11 - United States

Today, I discovered that my boyfriend has a YouTube channel devoted to taking the camera out whenever he has to fart. FML

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30528

You deserved it

4252

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By Scooter

Today, I replaced the battery in a closet’s electronic keypad door lock, and I accidentally locked myself inside. My family was traveling, so I had to call a neighbor. He got me out, but took pictures and posted to social media. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2513

You deserved it

690

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By Anonymous - United States - Lafayette

Today, I was walking and saw a quarter. I bent down to pick it up. Barely a foot ahead there was another, so I crawled over to get it. This continued for about six feet when I realize a kid was laying them out in a trail. I had collected 7 fake quarters and the kid had it on video. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45689

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By d0pey - United States

Today, I realized that there are more framed pictures of my mom's dog than pictures of me around the house. FML

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42801

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3428

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By Anonymous

Jedi mind trick

Today, my stepdad punched me in the face after I told him I hated him. He and my mom came in 10 minutes later to try to convince me that I'd made it up in my head that he'd punched me. My face was still red. FML

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2130

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183

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By wtf

Today, I came back to my boyfriend's house where I've been staying to find all my things thrown outside, ruined, including my entire CD collection, textbooks and clothes cut up. All because I had left my cell phone there and had got a text from a guy saying "Hi, how have you been?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

59103

You deserved it

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By bitchasshonky - France

Today, I had a fancy dinner date with a really hot guy. Near the end of our meal, he asked if I wanted to go back to his place. As soon as we walked in the door, he started a religious debate with his room mate. It's been 45 minutes and its still going. FML

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37848

You deserved it

5534

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By Rebecca - 3/10/2020 23:07

What could go wrong?

Today, I slipped into an ATM vestibule quickly without a mask. The place smelled like the antiseptic at a doctor's office, so I figured, "What could go wrong? Not more than 6 hours later, I found out that I’m sick. FML

I agree, your life sucks

353

You deserved it

1754

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By kingpin7 - United States

Today, I decided to go down on my girlfriend. In the midst of her orgasm, she grabbed my head with her legs, performing a submission most UFC fighters could be proud of, and she held on for so long that I was suffocated. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44223

You deserved it

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By RatQuiRit

Today, I arrived at the station at 7:30pm sharp for the train... which was cancelled. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57675

You deserved it

15875

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By enjoy

Today, I lost my cell phone. But found it again! And then dropped it in the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48300

You deserved it

23040

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By Anonymous - United States

Size Queen

Today, my girlfriend and I were taking a shower together. We were fooling around when she took the shower head and started spraying my penis with it. I asked her, "What are you doing?" Her response, "I'm watering it to make it grow." FML

I agree, your life sucks

69931

You deserved it

14774

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By phlyingphuck - United States

Today, my mother finally pressured me to wear my old helmet while riding my bike. Halfway through my ride, 3 spiders came crawling out of it and onto my face, causing me to lose control of the bike and crash head-first. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45554

You deserved it

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By Rhinobro01 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I was at a friend's house when his dad told me that he had Photoshopped his face onto a woman's body. I looked at the photo and said it was gross, disgusting and weird. Later on, my friend told me that the photo was actually a picture of his dad's twin sister. FML

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1363

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By Anonymous

Today, my phone went missing. My 8-year-old son took it to school and sold it for $10. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5599

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - 27/6/2020 14:03

Hairy situation

Today, after taking hair growth pills and using hair growth medicated shampoos, I have not seen any different in my thinning hair. Can't say the same about the hair sprouting on my knuckles, chin, and toes. My pubes are very thick, silky, and luscious thanks to the treatment. I'm a woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1414

You deserved it

185

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By Anonymous - Canada - Edmonton

Today, my friend texted me from a bar, saying they had just called my name in a raffle to win a trip to Aspen, CO. You had to be at the bar to claim the prize. I had left the bar half-an-hour earlier, not knowing they were even having a raffle. FML

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45558

You deserved it

4413

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By Anonymous - Germany

Today, my boyfriend told me that if he was to break up with me, he would do it in a crowded location so I couldn't start to cry or make a scene. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31112

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5019

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By Anonymous

On yer bike

Today, I replaced the fog lights on my car and completely filled my gas tank. $50+ later, the transmission decided it wanted to go out. FML

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1391

You deserved it

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By sydmarie98 - United States - Chesapeake

Today, my friend let me borrow a pair of jeans. I found out I'm allergic to her laundry detergent when I broke out in a rash everywhere that the jeans touched. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23812

You deserved it

2017

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By Jaymz

Today, I went to my son's final band performance. I also have a busy toddler, so I ended up watching most of the performance in the hallway on a tv monitor. In the middle of the awards ceremony, my toddler pulled the fire alarm. Everyone had to evacuate the building. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3264

You deserved it

2242

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By Screwed - South Africa

Today, I was looking online for an alternative number for the interior decorator that is making curtains for me because I couldn't get hold of him. Instead of his number I found a website warning people about him, saying he is a conman. I paid a very big deposit. FML

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50349

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By seriously?! - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me he was going to take me out somewhere special, so I called in sick for work. Turns out he had made reservations for the restaurant I worked at. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38934

You deserved it

8917

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By Anonymous - 24/2/2021 21:30

Turbulence

Today, I had a several-hour-long flight. I was put in a seat at the very back of the plane. Before the plane even lifted off, a woman took a dump in the bathroom that I stank for the rest of the flight. Whenever I tried to get some sleep, the flight attendant walked past, savagely jostling me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

546

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I moved into my new apartment and met my new roommate. Immediately after shaking hands he suggested that we make a "masturbation schedule" to avoid any awkward situations. Way to avoid an awkward situation. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43736

You deserved it

4171

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By ahhahaha - United States

Today, I had to go to the police station to pick up my 42 year old dad. Why? He was caught stealing candy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

69887

You deserved it

4680

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By RoastedbyNature

Basted High School

Today, my high school decided to practice graduation outside for 4 hours instead of inside, as well as serve lunch outside. Now everybody, including myself, is going to be sunburnt in their graduation pictures, because we were told practice was inside. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4404

You deserved it

380

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned that my boyfriend waits 'til I am asleep to wack off to porn on the internet. We haven't had sex in months because he doesn't want to. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24905

You deserved it

3802

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By DMO - United States

Today, I decided to get back into shape and go for a run. With a 1/4 mile left to run, I saw a hot chick a block ahead of me running. Trying to show off I ran hard and passed her stopping just outside my complex. I started to throw up right as she came past me because I had run so hard to pass her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10702

You deserved it

63745

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Top comments

By irollup | 4

#3184329 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:10

This was wonderfully written. I've never read an FML so descriptive.

By gunmania0 | 12

#3184337 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:10

That was a good hard metaphor.

COMMENTS

By dancefan0220 | 0

#3184318 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:08

Hats sad D:

TipsfromSips | 3

#3184366 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:13

if the dog was very old/in pain you did the right thing OP

futtbuck101 | 1

#3184374 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:13

Rape is a serious crime. Don't be afraid to tell someone.

genesisnirvana | 11

#3184402 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:14

Definitely loving OP's way of describing the irony.

fanceh | 10

#3184413 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:15

that wasn't the only hard shaft going up your ass that day, was it?

ripgeorgecarl1n | 7

#3184977 - Saturday 27 August 2011 0:29

It's kinda like rapists who feel the cold, hard shaft of irony up the ass in prison. Metaphorically speaking of course.

lilmisslovely13 | 15

#3185107 - Saturday 27 August 2011 0:44

This is very poetic. I was a little surprised, but pleased :)

emmaa3451 | 11

#3185265 - Saturday 27 August 2011 1:09

Damn those raping shafts of irony!! Hahaha

FFPulley | 9

#3185472 - Saturday 27 August 2011 1:55

Did you go take a scalding hot shower afterwards to wash away the shame of this visit to the vet that you were apparently raped at?

nadyy14 | 8

#3186188 - Saturday 27 August 2011 4:56

I know how it feels to have your pet put asleep...its sad :'( you know what makes me feel better, hanging around with people you love!

sciencekidster1 | 8

#3186340 - Saturday 27 August 2011 5:37

The Sorting Hat is the nicest hat of all. It somehow finds something nice to say about Slytherin.

xcarxcrashx | 9

#3186418 - Saturday 27 August 2011 5:52

176 LMAO!!!

Winnerz4life | 0

#3186464 - Saturday 27 August 2011 6:05

Iheartfunny | 1

#3187261 - Saturday 27 August 2011 7:41

If I had stoped reading at "cold hard shaft of irony slid up my ass" I still would have laughfed like helk but the ending really didit for me (thats what she said) But seriously OP sorry about your dog

ChucklesTheClown | 4

#3187794 - Saturday 27 August 2011 9:03

There's a national dog day? Why?

JoHire | 0

#3188759 - Saturday 27 August 2011 13:56

Because dogs are awesome^

Friaza | 29

#3190473 - Saturday 27 August 2011 19:03

@9 You don't kill living creatures because they're old...

captn_fml | 0

#3191606 - Sunday 28 August 2011 0:47

Fucking win.

abbey321 | 8

#3753054 - Monday 19 December 2011 4:55

My cat shadow died on my lap. I miss him so much! He wasn't in pain but he was old he died healthy and in my arms. ;(

By lancer3044 | 0

#3184321 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:09

snowdrift | 6

#3185226 - Saturday 27 August 2011 1:04

Ahah what a metaphor....:// sorry about yo dawgi op

By irollup | 4

#3184329 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:10

This was wonderfully written. I've never read an FML so descriptive.

sovietkiwi | 0

#3184347 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:11

Hahaha I know right

sovietkiwi | 0

#3184349 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:11

Hahaha I know right

Laurenlou | 24

#3184404 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:15

OP must have a ton of great analogies like this!

gunmania0 | 12

#3184463 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:20

15 - analogy is such a dirty word, and it correctly matches the FML... You get a +1.

Laurenlou | 24

#3184523 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:26

24- Analogy is not a dirty word. But thanks!

mazochyst | 10

#3184577 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:32

30, ANALogy is what I think they were getting at.

ollierobs | 0

#3184606 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:35

Ow. I could feel it. So cold... So cold...

Laurenlou | 24

#3184622 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:37

39- Oh I see that now!
Sorry I don't keep my mind in the gutter. Haha

KiddNYC1O | 20

#3184655 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:42

45- You should. It's this new trend...

rawrface22 | 10

#3184729 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:51

'twas beautifully composed

tj4234 | 35

#3184791 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:59

If OP managed to write like this in 200 characters or less, I'd love to have a conversation with him/her in real life.

ihasbrains | 10

#3185045 - Saturday 27 August 2011 0:37

This reminds me of the FML about Satan's ass gas. Wonderful descriptions, eh?

xX_LilSammie_Xx | 4

#3185321 - Saturday 27 August 2011 1:21

It's like I was actually there.

mgon93 | 0

#3186233 - Saturday 27 August 2011 5:11

Very true

itouchuser77 | 8

#3187946 - Saturday 27 August 2011 9:33

Poetry my good man

aftertheriot | 0

#3190072 - Saturday 27 August 2011 17:46

this gives a whole new meaning to f your life

jdawg2010 | 0

#3190176 - Saturday 27 August 2011 18:08

i know right!

geoffnel10 | 0

#3191976 - Sunday 28 August 2011 2:35

sucks if it's a guy...

FML102938 | 8

#3543918 - Saturday 5 November 2011 5:25

I am so turned on by this

HelloHolaBonjour_fml | 11

#6427770 - Monday 5 October 2015 22:14

1,000 likes thanks to me

By FunnyGuy5051 | 7

#3184334 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:10

sorry to hear that op, I never knew there was a national dog day tho

ugottaluvme | 0

#3187076 - Saturday 27 August 2011 7:24

Ahh, your a funny guy ehh?

xNephilim | 18

#3473049 - Saturday 22 October 2011 22:13

There is a national day for everything.

By gunmania0 | 12

#3184337 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:10

That was a good hard metaphor.

Midnightpearls | 13

#3185344 - Saturday 27 August 2011 1:26

Oh god lmao

By cre8or99 | 0

#3184344 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:11

That's ruff

santasadiekins | 0

#3184383 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:13

that, my friend, was so bad I giggled

gunmania0 | 12

#3184389 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:14

I see what you did there! For those that don't get it, dogs go 'ruff'.

minnymouse20 | 13

#3184410 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:15

Aha that's smart

gunmania0 | 12

#3184432 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:17

Are you not going to thank me for point that out 17? :(

AdriTheCutie | 0

#3184683 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:47

Lol "ruff" dog!! Haha

KiddNYC1O | 20

#3184726 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:51

13- OMFG! How in the hell did you figure that out, champ?

gunmania0 | 12

#3184871 - Saturday 27 August 2011 0:11

62 - are you a dick in real life or just whilst behind your computer in your mums basement?

KiddNYC1O | 20

#3184924 - Saturday 27 August 2011 0:21

81- Thanks for playing, kid.

KiddNYC1O | 20

#3185025 - Saturday 27 August 2011 0:35

I may have insulted you but make no mistake about it, I'm sure you insulted everyone on FML with comment #13.

gunmania0 | 12

#3185234 - Saturday 27 August 2011 1:05

90 - Did you read 60's comment...?

gunmania0 | 12

#3185253 - Saturday 27 August 2011 1:07

93*

KiddNYC1O | 20

#3185422 - Saturday 27 August 2011 1:42

Okay, don't take it personal. I saw your comment first.

I_Hate_Tpyos | 0

#3186676 - Saturday 27 August 2011 6:55

13- he may be on his iPod instead of a computer.

ugottaluvme | 0

#3193154 - Sunday 28 August 2011 5:43

Lol 17 in gonba text you k?

ichikibobivopula | 0

#3197497 - Monday 29 August 2011 2:07

Oh I get it now.

mylifesucks12345_fml | 0

#3232127 - Sunday 4 September 2011 6:19

The guy just lost his dog man.
Really?

By sariannacanna | 6

#3184375 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:13

I almost cried at the crude beauty of your metaphor *claps* bravo my friend, bravo. Sorry about your dog.

False_Stupidity | 41

#3185703 - Saturday 27 August 2011 2:48

Do you mean "cruel" beauty? 'cause I don't think the beauty was crude at all.

By Btreasure | 8

#3184417 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:15

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By aichd13 | 4

#3184437 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:18

You win the game.

ironwords | 8

#3185754 - Saturday 27 August 2011 2:59

I lost it

By wilsontws | 18

#3184439 - Friday 26 August 2011 23:18

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

lidsthesquid | 4

#3185349 - Saturday 27 August 2011 1:27

Not the time -_-

ripjohnlennon | 5

#3185847 - Saturday 27 August 2011 3:26

Asian power!!!!!

HomeAl0ne | 20

#3203841 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 7:46

Irony - possessing the quality of ironness, made of iron.