Cars, the best funniest jokes

Today, some punk got up in my face yelling at me, pushed my wife and scratched my car with a, "What you gonna do, old man?" attitude, and yet I’m the bad guy who gets arrested because I open-palm slapped him and he fell into a glass window and fucked up his face and neck, probably permanently. FML

By Anonymous - 7/5/2021 06:00

Public freakout

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Today, I was listening to an inappropriate song while driving around when I heard my 3 year-old in the back seat say the n-word. If you hear kids screaming, "LEGOS, LEGOS!" out of the windows as I drive by, that's my pathetic attempt at reversing the language they heard. FML

By Anonymous - 3/5/2021 13:01 - Canada - Westbridge

Kids hear EVERYTHING

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Today, I took my car through the automated wash. I was too close to swipe my card, so the attendant reached for it and somewhere between our hands, the card fell into the grate and down a small crack 10ft into nasty water. The whole car wash was shut down to pull the massive grate up. It took about 2 hours. FML

By Anonymous - 30/4/2021 18:30 - United States - Johnstown

Cars and cards

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Today, I went to get coffee. While I was at the drive-thru window, I went to pay with my card but dropped it right out the window. It went under my car. FML

By BellaBabii32 - 27/4/2021 02:01

Time to scramble

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Today, I was brake-checking a Dodge Charger who was attempting to run me off. It was an undercover police car. FML

By Anonymous - 26/4/2021 20:00

Road rage

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Today, after my car died a mile from my house, I huffed, puffed and pushed it back to my house off the street, so I wouldn't get a ticket overnight. After getting it towed to the shop in the morning, I got a call telling me they put gas in it for me and it starts up fine now. FML

By Shawn Kotris - 25/4/2021 21:30

Dumdum moment

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Today, after searching online and in the newspaper for an affordable used vehicle, I finally came across one that wasn't a scam or the seller lying about the actual condition of the vehicle. It was legit and and sold about 10 minutes after the seller gave me his info for me to go look at it. FML

By Anonymous - 24/4/2021 23:01 - United States - High Springs

Used car, one careful owner

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Today, a colleague crashed a drone into my almost brand new car. I even asked him before if it was OK to park there or if I should better park somewhere else, and he said, "No problem" and bragged about being the best drone pilot. FML

By macone - 24/4/2021 21:30

Droning on

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Today, I made the horrible mistake of leaving my car windows cracked while at work. Not only is the exterior yellow due to the pollen, but so is the interior. I'm not allergic, but you can feel the pollen in the back of your throat. FML

By JD. - 13/4/2021 00:30

Choking over here

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Today, I was driving to work when I had to abruptly brake to avoid a pedestrian who had suddenly jumped into the street. As a consequence, my parking ID was pushed in between the dashboard and the windshield. It is literally impossible to get it out before my shift starts. In other words, I'm going to get fined. FML

By Marcus - 10/4/2021 02:00 - Norway

Thanks dude

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Today, my boyfriend promised me to cook dinner if I picked him up from work, almost 100 km and 2-hour drive. I did this even though I worked the night shift yesterday and had to today and normally have to sleep a lot. But no, after we got home, he fell asleep and was still sleeping and snoring when I had to go. FML

By IHateMyLife - 6/4/2021 00:30

Promises, promises

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Today, my best friend is giving me the silent treatment and has blocked me on Facebook. All because I missed her 30th birthday dinner at The Cheesecake Factory. I’d gotten into a car accident earlier and had to be treated for minor injuries in the ER. FML

By BadFriend - 4/4/2021 20:00 - United States

Compassion

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Today, I had a job interview today after being unemployed for months. I left early but a stranger's giant SUV had me blocked in for over 2 hours. I called to explain the situation in the hope that I would be given another interview slot later in the week. I was told I clearly didn’t want the job. FML

By Anonymous - 3/4/2021 11:00

Motivation

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Today, some asswipe keyed a swastika into my car. Did I mention it’s a rental? FML

By fail land - 2/4/2021 05:00

Come to think of it, no, you didn't

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Today, I was pumping gas at a gas station. An attractive woman walked by and the guy pumping gas behind me did a whistle/catcall to her. She then looked at me and gave me a disgusted look. I didn't even try to hit on a girl, and still got rejected. FML

By Anonymous - 26/3/2021 03:01 - United States - Randolph

OK Shaggy

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Today, my teenage stepdaughter wrecked her third car texting and driving. I’ve pleaded with my husband to stop buying her new ones and to revoke her driving privileges. He’s so desperate for her to love him that he’ll give her literally anything. I’m scared she’s going to get someone killed. FML

By can’t buy her love - 22/3/2021 18:01 - United States

Menace II Society

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Today, I bought a car. Made a down payment and everything. Have the papers saying it’s mine, only to find out a few hours later it was sold right before I bought it. FML

By Onlymeiswear - 15/3/2021 05:01

Sounds like a scam

869

Today, I told my mom I was leaving early to give my boyfriend a ride to work. She asked me why on Earth I’m even attracted to someone who doesn’t have a car. FML

By mira - 13/3/2021 17:01

Values

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Today, I got not one but two flat tires after hitting two separate potholes big enough to take chunks out if my original rim and to bend the shit out of my spare. This was in about a 3 mile radius and within minutes of each other. FML

By Jess - 12/3/2021 14:01

Bad car day

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Today, my Uber passenger stole one of the rear floor mats out of my car. FML

By lukey101 - 12/3/2021 02:30 - Australia - Adelaide

Uber Thiefs

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Today, I paid over $500 to pick up my car from the mechanic, after it'd spent almost a month there. It broke down again on the way home. FML

By Car Problems - 3/3/2021 20:01

Wreck

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Today, my father retired and made sure to buy both my younger sisters and their partners near new cars. Despite only one having a licence. Then bought the bare minimal definition of a "functioning" car for me, as compensation for paying off the family car on my own. FML

By Anonymous - 2/3/2021 03:00 - Australia - Geraldton

Not the golden child

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Today, my dad was looking for something in the garage and accidentally knocked over a heavy box, which crushed the new side view mirror I'd bought for my car, because the one my car originally had, he smashed it against a pole while driving my car recently. FML

By Anonymous - 28/2/2021 00:01 - Puerto Rico - Aguas Buenas

Dad, stop driving my car

968

Today, my fiancée wrecked my car so I had to use my other car to pick her up. Ten minutes after I did, my other car broke down in the middle of the road and I had to get it towed. My insurance covers none of these incidents. FML

By leogs23 - 27/2/2021 16:58

Insurance is a scam

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Today, as I served an elderly man at the fast-food restaurant where I work, he leaned over the counter so that his face was mere inches from mine and asked me if I wanted to buy his car. When I politely told him I wasn't interested, he insisted on making a complaint about me to my manager. FML

By Anonymous - 25/2/2021 20:01 - Australia

Keep your distance

790

Today, after waiting a week for an update on my car after the engine blew, all covered by warranty, I was informed that my car is under investigation for warranty fraud. This is its fourth engine. FML

By Anonymous - 15/2/2021 02:01

Christine

815

Today, I finally got my stimulus check and was big excited to be able to cash it and buy Valentine's Day gifts. The very second turn out of our driveway, dude and I got T-boned. Our only vehicle, with only two payments remaining, appears totalled. FML

By Country - 12/2/2021 14:30 - United States - Huntsville

Happy Valentine's…

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Today, I wanted to go shopping in my new car that I bought just a month ago. When I stepped outside, I saw someone had smashed the driver side's window. They didn't even steal anything. FML

By volvo_owner - 10/2/2021 02:01 - Germany - Harsefeld

Vandals!

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Today, I was driving into work in my hubby’s truck. It’s his pride and joy. I managed to both get a flat tire and lock my keys inside the truck at a gas station, with my face mask also inside. Oh, and it’s 19 degrees. At least it’s sunny. FML

By Anonymous - 8/2/2021 14:00

Silver linings

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