Today, I tried to impress the guy I like. He breeds reptiles,...

By Anonymous - 30/8/2011 17:35 - Canada

Today, I tried to impress the guy I like. He breeds reptiles, and I happen to have a snake and a lizard. I went over to his house to show them off. He opened the door just as my lizard fell between my boobs. He had to help me get it out. FML

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Animals

Dangling modifier

Serious times

Instadrama

By keepsmiling - 2/9/2009 11:19 - France

Today, I thought it would be sexy to surprise my boyfriend by hiding in the closet naked and pouncing on him as he came to get his pants. I never got to the pouncing. Apparently my boyfriend has heightened reflexes so instead I got slapped hard across the face. My ear is still ringing. FML

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By Julian - 22/12/2008 07:45 - France

Today, my girlfriend complained that I don't kiss her often enough. The problem is her breath. It's disgusting. I gently answer: 'Well, you don't kiss me often either!". So now she keeps kissing me. FML

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By Embarrassed - 5/11/2018 13:30

Today, at over 9 months pregnant, I woke up to a wet bed. Convinced my water broke, I woke up my husband and had him drive me to the hospital at 3am. The nurse told me my water was fine, I had just peed the bed. FML

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By anonymous - 16/11/2010 22:43 - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me to Google how to last longer in bed. FML

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By DoubledTrouble - 21/7/2016 11:58 - United States - Washington

Today, my kids overheard me talking about cleaning the fuel system in our RV before we go to Disney World. They were so eager to get there, they decided they'd clean the fuel system themselves while I was at work, namely by pouring Tide into the gas tank. FML

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By happyasaclam - 19/2/2009 00:55 - United States

Today, me and my boyfriend were hooking up while watching a movie. Just as I was getting really into it, he told me to move my head. He couldn't see the television. FML

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By WTF? - 20/4/2012 00:12 - United States

Today, I found myself humming a Skrillex ditty all day. I'm beginning to wonder if I've had some sort of stroke. FML

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By sexisntfun - 30/3/2015 02:13 - United States

Today, I was about to lose my virginity to my girlfriend, with whom I am genuinely in love. Right after I'd got the condom on, she said, "You do know this is break-up sex, right?" FML

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By MerryDeathmas - 18/7/2015 04:31 - Canada - Lloydminster

Today, after an argument with my girlfriend, I tried to be dramatic by slamming my car door shut as hard as I could. Something broke and now it won't open. Now I have to climb through the passenger's side just to drive my car to work. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/1/2013 05:52 - United States - Seattle

Today, while making dinner I cut my finger badly with a knife. When I yelled for my dad to drive me to the hospital, he accused me of lying to get attention. He had to taste my blood before he decided it wasn't red-colored corn syrup. FML

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By unsatisfying - 28/10/2010 05:05 - Australia

Countdown

Today, my wife checked the time while we were having sex. Twice. FML

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By BroadcitySF - 28/2/2016 03:42 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was mugged while changing my tampon. The mugger took everything, including the fresh tampon. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/3/2012 10:53 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, a man on the subway serenaded me. That's not the issue. He was cross-eyed, making it hard for me not to laugh in his face. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/2/2011 17:15 - Belgium

Today, I found out that the candy bracelet my sister gave me a few days ago was actually a candy cock ring she'd used on her boyfriend just a few hours prior. Apparently, she didn't like the taste. I however, did. FML

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By megatron - 16/3/2016 17:04 - United States - Naperville

Today, my roommate decided to go on a group trip instead of paying our water bill. Now I can't shower until next week. FML

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By MyLifeSucks - 15/4/2013 22:11 - United States - Houston

Today, my mother accused me of stealing pills; she looked all over my room and couldn't find them. When she went back to the pantry, she saw them on the shelf below where they were supposed to be. She then accused me of putting them there while she was searching my room. FML

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By sstahpp - 20/8/2015 21:24 - South Africa - Pretoria

Today, while I was taking a long relaxing shower, the shower head decided to fly off and hit me in the face. The dentist couldn't stop laughing. FML

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By sicksicksick - 19/6/2013 17:23 - United States - Lansdale

Today, I have pink eye in both eyes, the stomach virus, and a cold. I'm also sitting at work because my boss "doesn't believe in sick days." FML

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By AL - 21/9/2011 05:53 - United States

Today, my mom is marrying my ex boyfriend's dad. The same ex boyfriend who I caught cheating on me with my sister. Family gatherings are going to be such a joy! FML

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By wjones - 15/12/2009 15:06 - United States

Today, my family and I were decorating the Christmas tree. It seemed a bit unstable, but we decorated it without any problems. Later, while my daughter sat by the tree, it began to fall. Her grandmother stopped the tree from hitting her. I, on the other hand, screamed like a little girl. I'm a 38 year old guy. FML

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By Riskreh - 23/9/2009 11:10 - United States

Today, I had a nervous breakdown. My life has been going down the drain and I called my boyfriend for comfort. I was crying my eyes out, finally getting everything off of my chest that has been bothering me. I thought it was quiet because he was listening closely. I was wrong. He fell asleep. FML

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By belle_arina - 8/10/2009 05:05 - United States

Today, we were doing stretches in dance class where you are on your hands and doing the splits in the air while your partner helps hold you and stretch your legs further. Right as I lift my left leg up, I farted hugely right in my partner's face. I couldn't make eye contact for the rest of class. FML

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By hannamacintosh - 7/7/2016 18:37 - Canada - Mississauga

Today, I finally decided to accept a date proposal from a guy who's had a crush on me for years. I got into his car, and it smelled strongly of my middle school perfume. I went into his bedroom and saw my middle school class photos hanging everywhere. Let's just say I ran home that night. FML

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By I'veRunOuttaPatience - 31/8/2018 03:30

Today, I got scolded for how I treated my aunt and uncle's dogs while pet sitting. I was told it was my fault they had explosive diarrhea for "locking" them in the room they'd told me to put them in at night and doing everything they said when I reported they were sick. FML

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By SalonGirl - 10/3/2009 11:55 - United States

Today, I was at work and a very obese woman came in to get a pedicure. When she took her shoes off I noticed an odd black substance on her feet. I started scrubbing it off and wondered out loud, "What IS this stuff??" As a chunk of it fell onto my lip, she replied, "Girl, that's just the fungus." FML

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By apparentlythereisnokarma - 1/1/2013 21:00 - Canada - Didsbury

Today, my roommate stumbled in drunk at 5am with 3 Big Macs, and passed out on the floor after eating them. This happens almost every night. I stay in, study, work, and go to the gym almost everyday. And she still has better grades, a better body, and makes more money than me. FML

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By laughingflame - 4/8/2011 06:00 - United States

Today, I was caught whacking off by my mother. She now takes every free moment of her time to read extracts from the Bible to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/1/2016 15:04 - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, I found out that my best friend is being sacked. He's also about to rent a new apartment which he won't be able to afford when he loses his job. I can't warn him or I'll breach confidentiality and lose my job as well. FML

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By wetandhungry - 6/10/2016 13:11 - United States - Houston

Today, I came home to find water dripping from the ceiling in my apartment laundry room/pantry. All of my groceries were ruined. Maintenance's suggestion? "Put a bucket under it." FML

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By roflcopter - 19/8/2010 00:53 - United States

Today, one of my cousins offered to sell me his mac for a low price. When I got it, I realized it was an old toshiba painted white with an apple sticker on it. My cousin still insists it's a mac. FML

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By Tanner - 16/7/2011 06:23 - United States

Today, I got mugged. I also got an extra kick in the face for not having money in my wallet. FML

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By Catholicguy - 20/12/2009 08:14 - United States

Today, I was about to propose. I got on my knee in front of my girlfriend and opened the box. My friend thought it would be funny to replace the ring with a condom. FML

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By deargodthepain - 2/2/2014 16:53 - United States

Today, I was singing in the shower but couldn't hit the higher notes. My wife complained and 2 minutes later she ran a tap causing my shower to go freezing. I shrieked. My wife said my pitch was still wrong. FML

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By vickyxanne - 13/6/2009 00:10 - United States

Today, I was cleaning out my fiancé's room while he was away so we could move into our new home. Not only did I find a few gay nudie mags, but also some interesting love letters from a nice man named Pablo. Apparently I need to do a lot more than cleaning his room to excite him. Like grow a penis. FML

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By "7thwardlord" - 21/8/2017 16:00

Today, I decided to be nice and "drop" a twenty in my grandma's house for her to find. She injured her back while picking it up. FML

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By Fuzy - 15/12/2008 03:24 - France

Today, my Art Director once again turned down a demo model (for an advertisement) that I'd been working on for a week. This time he took his belt off and started thrashing the model to pieces. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/9/2014 17:44 - Netherlands - Haarlem

Today, my husband and I broke the news that I'm pregnant. Our 8-year-old son's reactions so far have been crying inconsolably, trying to punch me in the stomach, and swearing that he won't let me give him a brother or sister. FML

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By AnnieTheKitteh - 1/3/2018 19:00

Today, I came up with a new system: If I want to buy something, I must do a chore first. I thought my laziness would keep me from impulsive shopping. Instead, my entire apartment is sparkling clean. FML

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By DCarreon - 4/10/2012 07:13 - United States - Ceres

Today, my seemingly normal girlfriend decided to erase every girl's name out of my phone. Family and all. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/2/2016 22:55 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my psycho-obsessed ex-girlfriend blabbed all about how she got a check in the mail for $1000 from CrimeStoppers on Facebook and Twitter. This explains how my current girlfriend and two of my friends all got arrested last week for having weed. FML

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Top comments

By JenDanielle917 | 13

#3207711 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 0:05

What? He wasn't turned on? You sure?

By indistructo | 3

#3207726 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 0:06

I'm sure that you both enjoyed ;) hey maybe it'll lead to something more

COMMENTS

By swgmimi12 | 3

#3207709 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 0:05

first

Friaza | 29

#3207742 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 0:07

Is this the guy from that new youtube show who's building a reptile zoo? :D

loveexgirl | 15

#3207749 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 0:07

Wrong

By JenDanielle917 | 13

#3207711 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 0:05

What? He wasn't turned on? You sure?

Keyman1212 | 14

#3207756 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 0:07

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Friaza | 29

#3207809 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 0:12

I'm pretty sure he didn't mind.

FFPulley | 9

#3207838 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 0:14

Then he put his snake in your secret garden?

Jaimegirl | 7

#3207882 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 0:19

Well then the reptiles weren't the only things you showed off. Haha

Zya_fml | 8

#3207916 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 0:24

Well your goal was to impress him...I'm sure that worked.

chellexx | 0

#3207946 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 0:28

8I rather like second base... I think I'd like it at least a little bit :)

Primal | 1

#3207981 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 0:34

Sounds like a bit of a coincidence to me....girl loves guy, guy loves reptiles and girls, girl drops reptile down boobs... What more could he want?

ItsTheKing | 10

#3208102 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 0:52

Sounds like the beginning of a great porno.

By indistructo | 3

#3207726 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 0:06

I'm sure that you both enjoyed ;) hey maybe it'll lead to something more

NoahStaz | 3

#3208004 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 0:39

Obviously he enjoyed it. He loves reptiles! I wonder what he feels about fish...

purplecowchik | 5

#3208175 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 1:05

Why is this an FML? It worked, you got to 2nd base already! ;-)

By iampetard | 0

#3207728 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 0:06

Im sure he enjoyed it and si did you

MizzErikaHart | 8

#3208167 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 1:04

For real. "like omg the lizard fell in my boobs... Omg help me get him out of my shirt!"

By bloodmonk115 | 3

#3207730 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 0:06

He'll call

By Iwashere12345 | 0

#3207737 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 0:06

care to explain why you couldn't get a lizard out of your shirt on your own?

alliewillie | 22

#3207828 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 0:13

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By rebekahah | 7

#3207744 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 0:07

Well I don't see what's wrong, he was probably impressed. ;)

crinx034 | 0

#3207988 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 0:36

What if she had small tata's? What then??

By NNiiKKiiEE | 3

#3207745 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 0:07

I don't see how your life sucks, though. This probably raises your chances of a relation/fuck buddy ship

By merc302 | 1

#3207747 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 0:07

I don't see the problem....

sunrise1234 | 3

#3208154 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 0:59

She was probably just embarrasses that she had to have him help her get it out.

SmittyJA24 | 26

#3208165 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 1:03

This is a "FML".... how???

I don't get it.

By lindseyluvszac | 4

#3207751 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 0:07

Sounds like the beginning of a porno I like