Animals: Today, I tried to impress the guy I like. He breeds reptiles,...

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I tried to impress the guy I like. He breeds reptiles, and I happen to have a snake and a lizard. I went over to his house to show them off. He opened the door just as my lizard fell between my boobs. He had to help me get it out. FML

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Animals

And today, on Dr Phil…

Live dumping

Wise kid

By Wow - United States

Today, my girlfriend called me and told me to come to her college, so I did. I was greeted by the campus police who told me to stop harassing her because she no longer wants to be with me. Then they told me I was no longer welcome on campus and hereby banned. She used campus police to dump me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Tupelo

Today, my 3-year-old pooped his pants in a public bathroom. As I was squatting down, doing my best to clean poop off of his legs and the floor, a wasp flew up my pant leg. I was stung four times before I danced it out of my pants. FML

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By PlaneGuy - Reunion - Saint-denis

Today, I was on a plane and a cute girl was getting ready to sit down beside me, but upon making eye contact, she asked to switch seats. FML

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By - France

Today, my wife and I both have blond hair and blue eyes, we just had a red headed son. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/3/2020 03:00

Too much of a good thing

Today, I finally found a job as a secretary for a small film studio. The sets are in a soundproofed part of the building, but not for the typical reasons. Right through the wall is a pornography studio. It's all I'll hear from 8 to 5 every day. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Draper

Today, at the store, I didn't hear the cashier when she asked if I had a loyalty card. She took one look at my naturally bitchy-looking face and muttered "It's my JOB to ask, jeez." FML

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By fhe - Puerto Rico - San Juan

Today, I was fixing a leak in the roof. When I was climbing down the ladder, it fell, but I managed to grab the ledge of the roof. The ladder hit my wife's car, then I fell on top of the ladder. My wife came running out to ask what happened to the car. FML

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By pikapikafuckyou! - 19/7/2020 08:01

Fucknut

Today, my overly religious fucknut of a cousin called me, ranting about my daughter trying to corrupt hers. They were chatting on a kids' messenger app when my 5-year-old sent her 7-year-old a Pokémon sticker. Apparently, Pokémon in satanic and we ought to know better. Now she won’t let them talk to us. FML

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By ripfluffy - United States

Today, I learned to check inside the oven before you preheat it. Sometimes children hide their pet rabbit in there. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, the cockroach infestation at my house has gotten so bad that I can now tell the difference between male and female cockroaches. FML

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By J-Sauce - Canada - Salmon Arm

Today, a girl I like asked me to a concert, saying she had an extra ticket. I ended up being the third wheel with her and her boyfriend. Had to pay $60 for the ticket too. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my stepson objected to being woken up at almost dinner time. He knows I have PTSD from my 2 tours of duty, so he turned his speakers way up and blasted the sounds of gunfire through the whole house. I hyperventilated and passed out. Little bastard. FML

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By Diana - United States

Today, I was showing my three year-old that going down the deck steps are perfectly safe. At the top, I tripped on my shoe and fell head first down every step. I now have five stitches and a three year old who won't go anywhere near the deck. FML

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By hopeless - Canada

Today, a customer was looking for some decking materials. I took her around the store and pointed out some nice plywood, noting that it's also fire-retardant, which might interest her. She got pissed off and bitched me out for supposedly calling her a retard. FML

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By babasheep - Canada

Today, after dieting and working out for almost 3 months, I sit down on my chair to finish off some work. It broke. FML

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By Gomer - United States - New York

Today, I went to a veterans' reunion party with my grandpa. While there, a guy started yelling at me for having an unapproved haircut. It was my grandpa's old drill sergeant, and he thought I was in the army too. Everyone just smirked as he forced me to drop and do push-ups. FML

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By watersport - United States

Today, I woke up because I really had to pee. I got out of bed, went to the bathroom and went back to bed. Or so I thought. I did pee, but I only dreamed that I got out of bed. FML

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By lonelyharts86 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I had an interview for my dream job. I was offered coffee and a donut. It was going well until I took a bite of the donut and started choking on it. I coughed so hard I ended up vomiting into his garbage can. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Prairie City

You Sexty Thing

Today, my girlfriend is upset with me for not wanting to sext. I can't sext with her because she adds "lol" to everything, which turns me off. FML

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By ACAB - Australia

Officer McGiggles

Today, I got pulled over for speeding. After the cop asked for my license, he started laughing when he saw my picture. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my current girlfriend has dated all of my friends at one time or another. FML

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27869

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was operating on a young girl, when she began to awaken during the surgery. We quickly put her back under, of course, but now I'm terrified that she'll remember my profuse cursing and get me in the shit with my curmudgeonly killjoy of a boss. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden - ?rsta

Today, I was watching a video from the 80s on sexual dysfunctions, and I noticed that one of the boys in the film looked strangely like my dad when he was younger. After a little investigation, I now know that in his youth, my dad had a crippling masturbation problem. FML

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By howaboutthemcarrots - Finland - Laajalahti

Today, I decided to be healthy and make a fresh juice out of carrots and apples. Apparently, something had gone bad and now my asshole feels like a bomb just went off inside it. Good start to a healthy lifestyle. FML

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By joanikens

Today, I was so broke, I couldn't come up with enough change to pay the parking meter at my job. FML

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By Confused - United States - Irvine

Today, I met up with an old friend of mine who acts in a TV show. I hadn't seen him in a long time, but I'd been watching episodes of the show almost daily, so when he showed up I could only see him as his TV character and not as my friend. I ended up calling him by his character's name. FML

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By ugly - United States

Today, I attended my 10-year high school reunion. My ex-husband's new wife showed up in the same dress as mine. I guess both the dress and my ex-husband look better on her. FML

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By flyakite29 - United States

Today, my girlfriend came home and announced that she'd just bought a $40 pair of flipflops. She then declared that I wouldn't be getting a birthday gift this year due to budget shortfalls. For hers a month prior, I'd got her a $300 piece of jewelry. FML

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By Anonymous

Thanks for that, dad!

Today, I mentioned to my family that I was sad about the fact that I was thirty-five years-old, single, and had no children. My father piped up from the next room, "What man in his right would want your lopsided tits, fat thighs, and fucked-up nose in their gene pool?" FML

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By Embarrassed - United States - Gloucester

Today, I was playing Charades with my boyfriend's family. When it was his turn, he pointed at me. His mother said "Bitch?" The answer was "relationship". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I kissed my girlfriend. She threw up in my mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Dartmouth

Today, my boyfriend informed me of how I had really hurt his feelings. Apparently, not wanting to be sent a photo of his poop is hurtful. FML

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By KilledTheMoment - United States - Mundelein

Today, I spent nearly an hour helping a customer pick out an engagement ring. I rang him up, picked out a super cute box for the ring, and wished him luck. Later I realized I never put the ring inside the box. FML

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34978

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By familyfued

Today, I discovered the terrible things my parents say about my wife while visiting them. They speak in Arabic around us and I've never really been able to understand them. Guess who hasn't only brushed up on his Arabic, but spent the last 6 months teaching his wife. FML

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By soupduped - United States

Today, I opened up a can of tomato soup I'd taken from my parents' house recently. After eating the whole can, I started feeling a little off, so I checked the expiration date. It expired 12 years ago. FML

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By Kikinovak - France

Today, a driver stole the parking space I was about to pull into. I politely asked him to move. He had a go at me, so I kick his car twice, in front of a few witnesses. The car is fine. I ripped two ligaments in my foot and I'll have a cast for a month. FML

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By Anonymous

On yer bike

Today, I replaced the fog lights on my car and completely filled my gas tank. $50+ later, the transmission decided it wanted to go out. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my once-alcoholic mom told me that she would sell me for a shot of vodka. FML

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By anon - United States - Commack

Today, at my daughter's ballet recital, after she was done dancing, grown adults booed. She's five. FML

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By Sam

Party for One!

Today, at the supermarket, I bought a cake and had my friend's name put on it. It wasn't anyone's birthday, I just wanted to feel less ashamed about buying a whole cake for myself. FML

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Top comments

By JenDanielle917 | 13

#3207711 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 0:05

What? He wasn't turned on? You sure?

By indistructo | 3

#3207726 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 0:06

I'm sure that you both enjoyed ;) hey maybe it'll lead to something more

COMMENTS

By swgmimi12 | 3

#3207709 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 0:05

first

Friaza | 29

#3207742 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 0:07

Is this the guy from that new youtube show who's building a reptile zoo? :D

loveexgirl | 15

#3207749 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 0:07

Wrong

By JenDanielle917 | 13

#3207711 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 0:05

What? He wasn't turned on? You sure?

Keyman1212 | 14

#3207756 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 0:07

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Friaza | 29

#3207809 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 0:12

I'm pretty sure he didn't mind.

FFPulley | 9

#3207838 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 0:14

Then he put his snake in your secret garden?

Jaimegirl | 7

#3207882 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 0:19

Well then the reptiles weren't the only things you showed off. Haha

Zya_fml | 8

#3207916 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 0:24

Well your goal was to impress him...I'm sure that worked.

chellexx | 0

#3207946 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 0:28

8I rather like second base... I think I'd like it at least a little bit :)

Primal | 1

#3207981 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 0:34

Sounds like a bit of a coincidence to me....girl loves guy, guy loves reptiles and girls, girl drops reptile down boobs... What more could he want?

ItsTheKing | 10

#3208102 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 0:52

Sounds like the beginning of a great porno.

By indistructo | 3

#3207726 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 0:06

I'm sure that you both enjoyed ;) hey maybe it'll lead to something more

NoahStaz | 3

#3208004 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 0:39

Obviously he enjoyed it. He loves reptiles! I wonder what he feels about fish...

purplecowchik | 5

#3208175 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 1:05

Why is this an FML? It worked, you got to 2nd base already! ;-)

By iampetard | 0

#3207728 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 0:06

Im sure he enjoyed it and si did you

MizzErikaHart | 8

#3208167 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 1:04

For real. "like omg the lizard fell in my boobs... Omg help me get him out of my shirt!"

By bloodmonk115 | 3

#3207730 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 0:06

He'll call

By Iwashere12345 | 0

#3207737 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 0:06

care to explain why you couldn't get a lizard out of your shirt on your own?

alliewillie | 22

#3207828 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 0:13

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By rebekahah | 7

#3207744 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 0:07

Well I don't see what's wrong, he was probably impressed. ;)

crinx034 | 0

#3207988 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 0:36

What if she had small tata's? What then??

By NNiiKKiiEE | 3

#3207745 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 0:07

I don't see how your life sucks, though. This probably raises your chances of a relation/fuck buddy ship

By merc302 | 1

#3207747 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 0:07

I don't see the problem....

sunrise1234 | 3

#3208154 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 0:59

She was probably just embarrasses that she had to have him help her get it out.

SmittyJA24 | 26

#3208165 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 1:03

This is a "FML".... how???

I don't get it.

By lindseyluvszac | 4

#3207751 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 0:07

Sounds like the beginning of a porno I like