Animals: Today, I tried to impress the guy I like. He breeds reptiles,...

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I tried to impress the guy I like. He breeds reptiles, and I happen to have a snake and a lizard. I went over to his house to show them off. He opened the door just as my lizard fell between my boobs. He had to help me get it out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26330

You deserved it

12818

Favorite

Animals

Uninvolved

Thanks Felicia

The past that suits you best

By Will this stupid fad ever end? - United States

Today, instead of actually teaching us something, our college professor excitedly showed us the godawful Harlem Shake video he made with his friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35558

You deserved it

4965

Favorite

By Samantha K - 19/10/2020 20:08

Break time

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend when he stopped and got dressed. Naked and confused, I figured he’d be right back. Yeah, 20 minutes later with a plate of food for himself. So much for sex. It would've been nice if he told me though. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1176

You deserved it

134

Favorite

By nothowtheydoitinalabama - United States

Today, my dad was complaining about how he makes so little money, so I suggested he invent something. The first thing that came to his mind was an automatic animal masturbator. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29426

You deserved it

3687

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Monterey Park

Today, I went on a job interview. The interviewer said it all went well, but he can't hire me because I've got a nose piercing, and that type of "image" isn't the kind they're looking for in their employees. This is the guy who had a full sleeve tattoo. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48300

You deserved it

7951

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Saint Paul

Today, I went to break up with my psychotic bitch of a girlfriend after months of abuse. When she opened the door, her 5-year-old son ran up to me, smiling and calling me "DADDY!" for the first time. Now I don't have the heart to dump the psycho and devastate her son. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37858

You deserved it

6087

Favorite

By skid kid - Canada

Today, I angrily tweeted about having fruitlessly searched for over an hour for my car keys. Minutes later, some guy told me to check beneath the "stack of skid-marked underwear" on my bedroom floor. I'm not sure if it was a lucky guess, or if I should start carrying mace. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28779

You deserved it

6581

Favorite

By Me - United States

Today, while at a stop light, I was rear-ended by a car behind me. The guy got angry at me, because according to him, I should've known that his car has poor braking distance, and so I should've moved forward a few more feet to compensate. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31156

You deserved it

1644

Favorite

By Awkward - United States

Today, my boyfriend took me to meet his friends at one of his exclusive "clubs." Expecting it to be his old friends from college, I agreed to go. Apparently, I've been dating a member of the Ku Klux Klan for 2 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks

69452

You deserved it

7863

Favorite

By Muralove - United States - Matawan

Today, my friends told me they will be unable to attend my birthday party on Friday because they'll be watching the Vampire Diaries finale. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30485

You deserved it

3461

Favorite

By bellabreeze - United States - Lebanon

Today, my son thought it would be a great idea to spray a whole can of spray tan all over my freshly-painted white bathroom walls as an "experiment". He's 18. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26027

You deserved it

3335

Favorite

By Wannabees - Canada

Today, I decided to spray tan myself. Five minutes later, I had to pee, so I did. Not only do I now have two orange stripes on my toilet bowl, but I also have two big white stripes on the back of my thighs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7399

You deserved it

37638

Favorite

By bjfail - United Kingdom

Today, the guy I have been seeing stopped me in the middle of sex and told me to finish him off by going down on him instead. After a few minutes, I looked up to discover that the noises I had thought were moans of pleasure were actually the sounds of him snoring. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22372

You deserved it

4849

Favorite

By idk what to do - 4/3/2021 00:30

Single life

Today, I'm 22 year-old woman, and my entire family thinks something is wrong with me because I've never been in a relationship. I'm starting to believe them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

843

You deserved it

122

Favorite

By traumatizedforlife - United States

Today, I stepped out of the house for some fresh air. It was still dark out, so imagine my horror when I accidentally stepped on a frog. It squealed for a split second before being crushed beneath my uncovered foot. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48282

You deserved it

6770

Favorite

By facepalm - Singapore

Today, my husband was fired for chatting online for the third time in a month during office hours. Who was he chatting with? Me, telling him to get off the chat programme so he wouldn't lose his job. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28110

You deserved it

12876

Favorite

By GoldenSteve - United States - Humble

Today, my gym teacher ranted about how the government should put all the death row inmates in a coliseum and film them fighting. I guess he lied when he said he only drinks at the weekend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22374

You deserved it

2518

Favorite

Parents love

Today, I walked in on my dad masturbating to a nude photo of my mum on the computer. She passed away four years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2492

You deserved it

1004

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I parked my truck next to a rather large SUV at school, went to class for 8 hours straight, came back and found my passenger side door crumpled from where they had backed out and hit it. They left a note on my window that said, "Sorry about your truck, but I don't have insurance." FML

I agree, your life sucks

43696

You deserved it

2705

Favorite

By caseyj - United States

Today, I went to a birthday party. A half hour in, a girl started showing me pictures of her cat. That was the high point of the night. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31082

You deserved it

4735

Favorite

By nightwalker2253 - United States - Orange

Today, I was floating on a river with some friends when I accidentally splashed one of their girlfriends in the face. She started crying and everyone gave me the silent treatment for the rest of the trip. We are all 26 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29299

You deserved it

2400

Favorite

By anon13 - United States

Today, at a family Seder, (a Jewish service for Passover), my mom served matzah balls during the festive meal. Considering how much I love matzah balls and there aren't many options for me to eat because I'm a vegetarian, I shouted, "I like really big balls!" in front of my entire family. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21512

You deserved it

94569

Favorite

By SweeT

Today, I tried to pick up two girls by asking them what time it was. They burst out laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17900

You deserved it

55015

Favorite

By anonymous - Canada

Today, while cuddling with my boyfriend in the dark, he grabbed onto a fat roll and asked, "Is this your stomach or boob?" I didn't have the heart to tell him it was a back roll. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24180

You deserved it

26765

Favorite

By powsser - United States

Today, my roommate got mad at me for putting away the tampons that were sitting on her desk. She rebelled by hanging hundreds of tampons dyed red from every surface in our dorm room. I discovered this while giving my mom her first tour of the place. FML

I agree, your life sucks

61295

You deserved it

5657

Favorite

By Grandzilla - France - Ablancourt

Today, I got a call from my panicking grandmother. I asked her what was going on, and she explained that, “Godzilla doesn’t work.” Not really understanding, I asked her to clarify. “Yes, you know, Godzilla, to use the internet.” FML

I agree, your life sucks

12678

You deserved it

1140

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband told me the only reason we're still together is because he can't afford to move out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32015

You deserved it

3164

Favorite

By good_gravy - United States

Today, my dog threw up on my bed while I was sleeping. I lost an hour of the day washing the vomit out with a rag, and my garbage disposal jammed on whatever otherworldly things my dog ate the day before. I had to dig it out by hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24141

You deserved it

3614

Favorite

By Animal - Canada

One day…

Today, my mom was snooping around my room, and found the unopened box of glow in the dark condoms I bought myself year ago. She laughed and said, "No takers yet, eh?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

37156

You deserved it

17058

Favorite

By riiiighhhttttt - United States - Laurel

Today, I actually had to explain to my sister that Shrek was not in fact based on a true story. She replied that I'm a "clueless twat". FML

I agree, your life sucks

43602

You deserved it

4337

Favorite

By kiki - United States

Today, before my date came to pick me up, I put tissues under my arms so I wouldn't leave wet marks. I forgot to remove them, and when we got physical, they fell out, looking like I'd stuffed my bra. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13360

You deserved it

33365

Favorite

By sarah - United States

Today, I went to the store to pick up some tampons. After waiting in line for about 10 minutes, the male cashier looked at me when I was leaving and said, "Have a nice... week!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

35961

You deserved it

5135

Favorite

By anonymous - Australia

Today, I was play-wrestling with my girlfriend. I ended up with a cut, three bruises on my arm and a black eye. She just giggled the entire time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15215

You deserved it

27497

Favorite

By Celluloid - United States

Today, I thought I heard someone shifting around in my house. I froze in fear and then I heard it again. I thought I was hearing things until I realized that it wasn't an intruder in my home. The shifting noise was my thighs rubbing together when I walked. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17040

You deserved it

39797

Favorite

By Anonymous - Australia - Perth

Today, I thought it'd be funny to sneak up behind my dad and yell "BOO!" to scare him. He didn't even flinch. All he did was calmly look over his shoulder and sigh, "Oh for fuck's sake. And you wonder why I don't love you." FML

I agree, your life sucks

23020

You deserved it

4131

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my fencing team took pictures for the yearbook. We were having individual pictures with our weapons, and it was my turn. When the photographer told me to pose, I tried to be super cool by quickly putting my sabre against my chest like some sort of soldier. I poked myself in the eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8517

You deserved it

35783

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, I finally got a promotion at work. Today I also found out that no matter how long I work, no matter how much effort and unpaid overtime I put in for 6 years, my coworkers will be convinced I only got promoted because I'm the CFO's son. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24107

You deserved it

2612

Favorite

By KeysToHappiness - United States - Roseville

Today, I was kayaking with my family for my birthday, when we tipped over while going down a rocky cascade. My husband badly cut up his arm, and my car keys and my phone both went for a swim and never returned. Great birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22370

You deserved it

8629

Favorite

By ConfusedCollegeKid - United States - Normal

Today, my theatre studies professor played a soundscape, then had us write what we thought the meaning was. I thought it was a simulation of what schizophrenia was like. Turns out the teacher bet her friend she could convince us that a bunch of people speaking gibberish meant something. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4601

You deserved it

553

Favorite

By isuckasawaitress - Singapore

Today, it was my first day at work as a waitress. The day ended with me owing my employers money, after I accidentally smashed an expensive bottle of wine on the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27794

You deserved it

5179

Favorite

By foreveralone - Australia - Wollongong

Today, I was working at the checkout of a nearly empty store, so I picked up an empty box, closed my eyes, and slow-danced with it to the 80s love ballad playing on the radio. I don't know what's worse, dancing with a box, or opening my eyes to see ten or so wary customers waiting to be served. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8852

You deserved it

34241

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By JenDanielle917 | 13

#3207711 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 0:05

What? He wasn't turned on? You sure?

By indistructo | 3

#3207726 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 0:06

I'm sure that you both enjoyed ;) hey maybe it'll lead to something more

COMMENTS

By swgmimi12 | 3

#3207709 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 0:05

first

Friaza | 29

#3207742 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 0:07

Is this the guy from that new youtube show who's building a reptile zoo? :D

loveexgirl | 15

#3207749 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 0:07

Wrong

By JenDanielle917 | 13

#3207711 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 0:05

What? He wasn't turned on? You sure?

Keyman1212 | 14

#3207756 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 0:07

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Friaza | 29

#3207809 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 0:12

I'm pretty sure he didn't mind.

FFPulley | 9

#3207838 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 0:14

Then he put his snake in your secret garden?

Jaimegirl | 7

#3207882 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 0:19

Well then the reptiles weren't the only things you showed off. Haha

Zya_fml | 8

#3207916 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 0:24

Well your goal was to impress him...I'm sure that worked.

chellexx | 0

#3207946 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 0:28

8I rather like second base... I think I'd like it at least a little bit :)

Primal | 1

#3207981 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 0:34

Sounds like a bit of a coincidence to me....girl loves guy, guy loves reptiles and girls, girl drops reptile down boobs... What more could he want?

ItsTheKing | 10

#3208102 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 0:52

Sounds like the beginning of a great porno.

By indistructo | 3

#3207726 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 0:06

I'm sure that you both enjoyed ;) hey maybe it'll lead to something more

NoahStaz | 3

#3208004 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 0:39

Obviously he enjoyed it. He loves reptiles! I wonder what he feels about fish...

purplecowchik | 5

#3208175 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 1:05

Why is this an FML? It worked, you got to 2nd base already! ;-)

By iampetard | 0

#3207728 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 0:06

Im sure he enjoyed it and si did you

MizzErikaHart | 8

#3208167 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 1:04

For real. "like omg the lizard fell in my boobs... Omg help me get him out of my shirt!"

By bloodmonk115 | 3

#3207730 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 0:06

He'll call

By Iwashere12345 | 0

#3207737 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 0:06

care to explain why you couldn't get a lizard out of your shirt on your own?

alliewillie | 22

#3207828 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 0:13

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

By rebekahah | 7

#3207744 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 0:07

Well I don't see what's wrong, he was probably impressed. ;)

crinx034 | 0

#3207988 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 0:36

What if she had small tata's? What then??

By NNiiKKiiEE | 3

#3207745 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 0:07

I don't see how your life sucks, though. This probably raises your chances of a relation/fuck buddy ship

By merc302 | 1

#3207747 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 0:07

I don't see the problem....

sunrise1234 | 3

#3208154 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 0:59

She was probably just embarrasses that she had to have him help her get it out.

SmittyJA24 | 26

#3208165 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 1:03

This is a "FML".... how???

I don't get it.

By lindseyluvszac | 4

#3207751 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 0:07

Sounds like the beginning of a porno I like