Animals: Today, I woke up to the feeling of someone tickling my back....

By GnarCarBar - United States

Today, I woke up to the feeling of someone tickling my back. I quickly realized I haven't been touched in so long that I was smiling to flies landing on me in my sleep. FML

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Animals

Walk on the wild side

No justice

Better off out

By Lizzie - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Dad jokes, part #23555

Today, my boyfriend came over for dinner for the first time. As a joke, my dad answered the door wearing the white church robes that he wears when he is lay-reading during a church service, and said, "Welcome, child of God." FML

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By DamnDogs - United States

Today, at work, my boss said something that I didn't catch. I went to take a leash off a dog, (I'm a groomer's assistant) and looked at my boss and said "What?" To which she replied, "Be careful, he bites." I now have a two-inch gash on my finger from a 6lb fluffy Maltese. FML

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By joleezad5 - United States - Nixa

Today, while watching the Olympics, my father found it completely necessary to make a farting sound every single time an athlete jumps or bends over. This will be a very long few weeks. FML

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By Janitor - United States

Today, I asked my boss for a raise. He gave me a cupcake. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was the designated driver. On the way home with my drunk friends, they decide to give me a beer shower. I swerved, and was pulled over by a cop moments after. I was the only one arrested. FML

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By stupidcunt - United Kingdom - Colchester

Today, I was looking at the map on my phone whilst walking down a street. I heard the sound of a bike behind me so I moved to let the cyclist past. He snatched the phone out of my hand and sped off. FML

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By cat_loser

Today, I agreed to catsit for a friend. Her cat rode back to my house sitting on my shoulder in the car. As soon as I opened the door, he jumped out and ran off into the woods. It's been 2 1/2 hours and not even food will entice him back to me. FML

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By anonymous2.0 - United States - Raleigh

Today, I asked my husband to come upstairs to our bedroom, thinking I could get some "special time." It ended up with us arguing about his mother, and him falling asleep cuddling my pillow while sucking his thumb. FML

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24198

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By Anonymous - Australia - Adelaide

Today, my brother showed my wife a Craigslist ad by someone seeking casual sex. It had very specific details that made it seem like I wrote it. My brother later admitted in private that he made the post as revenge for me not loaning him $500 last month. Meanwhile, my wife still thinks I'm unfaithful. FML

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By bubbashrek - United States

Today, I realized my soon to be ex wife is stalking me online. Everytime I block her she creates a new profile. She left me 9 months ago. FML

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By rrefaat - United Arab Emirates - Dubai

Today, I thought our CEO had clearly stated that I will only be focusing on my job, and all other stuff will not be my problem. Apparently, I was wrong, because I still get blamed for all the other departments' mistakes, even though I don't manage them. He does. FML

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By iailwkrb - United States

Today, while babysitting, the oldest little girl who is 7 went through my purse. She pulled out a half empty bottle of lube. She asked what it was and I told her lotion. I went to the bathroom and when I came out, the bottle was empty and there were 4 kids covered in lube. Then their mom came home. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband and I had the grand opening to our new winery. We had a big sign out front saying "FREE GRAPES", to try and get more people interested. People kept giving us dirty looks when passing. We later realized there was something covering the "G". FML

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By Noname - New Zealand

Today, my girlfriend was giving me head while I was watching Star Trek and I accidentally called her Spock. FML

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63828

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By DietKelp - United States

Today, at work, I was fired from my job for being too "forward" to my boss. All I did was get him coffee and a biscuit from McDonald's to celebrate his 15-year anniversary working there. FML

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27467

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By soaked - United States

Today, I stood for half an hour in the rain waiting for my bus. As I started to go inside, my bus turned around the corner and splashed water all over me. The bus driver wouldn't let me on the bus because I was soaking wet and I would "mess up the seats". FML

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48376

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By Burned - United States

Today, I went to the beach with my friends to show off my engagement ring. I fell asleep in the sun and woke up extremely sunburnt to a text from my boyfriend confessing that he's been cheating on me. I gave him the ring back. Now I have its tan line on my finger. FML

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45990

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By KayleeXLoVe21 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. The lights kept on going on and off. Why? The lights are activated by "clap on, clap off." It killed the mood. FML

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38798

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By areyoukiddingme - United States - Marion

Today, my roommate blocked my phone number and won't speak to me. All because I mistakenly used her hand soap, thinking it was mine. FML

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By uterurist - United States - Saint Paul

Today, my son trained his little sister to walk up to strangers and whimper: "My mommy punches me." FML

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Today, my Mom found out that I've been intimate with one of my best friends in the past. We used protection, it never went anywhere, and we ended it amicably, but she still gave me a huge lecture. Later, she high-fived and congratulated him. FML

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3588

Phew, glad it wasn't me

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By kbartlett86 - Canada

Today, after sitting for hours at my desk, my legs fell asleep. When I got up to go to the bathroom on my break, I couldn't walk properly and leaned against things so I wouldn't fall over. My supervisor then came over and started lecturing me about being drunk at work. FML

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By Wraith - Canada - Holland Landing

Today, because I'm tall enough to see over the cubicle walls at work, I witnessed my 50-year-old co-worker pulling his finger out of his nose and immediately popping it into his mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - France - Saint-renan

Today, at the age of 57, my dad got a unicorn tattooed on his shoulder. FML

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By jada - United States

Today, I called my boyfriend over and over again and he never answered. His mom just called me and asked how I was holding up. I asked her what she meant and she had to tell me he checked himself into rehab because he was addicted to heroin. FML

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By Harry - United Kingdom

Paperboy

Today, I was doing my paper round. I got to the last house and thought I had done everything right. I checked my list of houses, and I had done every single one wrong. I went and got all the papers back and delivered them again. That was when I realised I did them right in the first place. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my very traditional grandmother has decided it's time for me to get married to Kevin. She's called half the town and informed them of the good news. I'm 17. I've never met Kevin. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, in the middle of sex, my boyfriend sighed, said "I can't do this any more" and pulled out. After repeatedly asking him what was wrong, he basically told me that I suck in bed. Apparently, the way I "just lie there" makes him feel like a necrophile. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out my mom is getting rid of cable TV. My dad and I bought her a 700 dollar plasma screen TV for Christmas. FML

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By my name is sarah - United States - Midland

Today, my mom called me by her favorite TV show character's name. Again. This is the eighth time this week. I'm an only child, and I'm 15. I thought she had my name down pat by now. FML

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20045

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By bear - Norway - Bod?

Today, it's been three weeks since I started using a hair-growth shampoo in the hopes of combating my balding. All it's done so far is make the hair I do have monstrously bushy, both upstairs and down. FML

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21877

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By Alyssa K Scheiber - 26/4/2021 02:00

Storage wars

Today, my boyfriend of almost 5 years told me that his reason for staying with me is because he doesn't want to go through our storage unit to decide who would get what. We've had the storage unit for 2 years. FML

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By Maria - Estonia - Tallinn

Today, a stranger came up to me with a flirty smile, greeted me by my name, and asked if I remembered him. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't remember, so I asked him to tell me. He promptly left with a disappointed look. He was the most gorgeous person I've ever seen. FML

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By phantomdriver - Canada

Today, my cab driver told me about the time he tried to commit suicide by driving off a bridge... while we were crossing a river. FML

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44776

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By fabiennemorin35 - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, my boss told me that he’d hired me because he thought I looked intelligent. He then went on to say that it was about time that I proved that I was. FML

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13145

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was grocery shopping. When I got to the frozen foods, I saw some lean pockets, which I haven't had in forever, so I bought a couple of boxes. Around lunch time, I was hungry and thought I could have some, until I realized why I stopped buying them: I don't have a microwave. FML

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By none - United States - San Antonio

Today, I had sex. The guy texted me an hour later, saying, "That was awkward. Let's not do that again." FML

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By Puddlepop - United States - Santa Cruz

Today, in history class I was called "ignorant" and "inconsiderate" because I referred to Stalin as a "he". FML

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By Anonymous - 24/9/2020 23:03 - Canada

Red flags

Today, I met my boyfriend's family for the first time. I was really excited to meet his brother, since his brother is his best friend. One of the first questions his brother asked me was, "He did tell you he isn't the handsome brother, right?" Followed by, "You aren't a feminist are you?" FML

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By thenanny - United States - East Syracuse

Today, I got a very nice compliment on my bra. But it was from a five-year-old after her 6-month-old brother threw up on my shirt. FML

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Top comments

By CherryBomb511 | 3

#3281833 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 9:04

Shower son.

By theunwiseone | 4

#3281901 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 9:11

Catch them and tie a little rope around their legs and u can eventually train them to love u, maybe.

COMMENTS

By thesiwel | 0

#3281825 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 9:03

First

gazzdogs | 5

#3281841 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 9:05

wow damn I wish I was cool enough to be first!

CherryBomb511 | 3

#3281850 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 9:06

You fail at life my friend.

thesiwel | 0

#3281852 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 9:06

Yeah I couldn't help it

StoryOfTheYear | 13

#3281868 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 9:07

Jealousy is just pouring out of me.
Congratulations though! For the time that you get to stay up there at least. :D

Ruler3000 | 17

#3281870 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 9:07

Do you feel accomplished?
Kiss your comment goodbai!

By CherryBomb511 | 3

#3281833 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 9:04

Shower son.

StoryOfTheYear | 13

#3281884 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 9:09

Don't think she needs a shower. Last thing they need to do is stay inside their house.

CherryBomb511 | 3

#3281918 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 9:13

She could also eliminate the source of the flies...just a thought.

indielove | 13

#3281951 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 9:21

It won't be long before they decide that they don't want to touch you anymore.

enonymous | 8

#3282050 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 9:48

19 - I agree how long before she nags them to death

rexgar2000 | 10

#3282330 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 12:07

pretty pathetic that she finds pleated on that.

ShayDeeBayBe | 0

#3286862 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 5:51

Lmaoooo

larry12693 | 1

#3287033 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 8:36

I think op just figured out why he hasn't been touched in so long

By Cashtangoteam | 10

#3281836 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 9:04

That's hot

netherflame | 0

#3284761 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 23:33

There's a fetish for that.

By WadeWilson_fml | 6

#3281846 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 9:05

That.. is rather sad.

michi23 | 0

#3286249 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 3:49

Seriously, he needs some friends.

By TorturedXeno | 27

#3281893 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 9:10

I'd say a significant other, some fly netting, and possibly a shower are in order.

leadman1989 | 15

#3282027 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 9:40

You look a little like Pedro from Napoleon Dynamite.

:P

By theunwiseone | 4

#3281901 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 9:11

Catch them and tie a little rope around their legs and u can eventually train them to love u, maybe.

By thejedi08 | 10

#3281907 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 9:11

YDI for smelling like trash!

Scar_loves_you | 0

#3282500 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 12:56

And you Deserve me calling you a douche.

StormfrontX33_fml | 24

#3282754 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 14:16

YDI for looking like trash. The flies should be circling you.

mike410 | 0

#3283324 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 17:09

I bet your used to flys bro, you look like a hobo

FLASH7221 | 0

#3295705 - Friday 16 September 2011 0:40

What does YDI MEAN

By perdix | 29

#3281923 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 9:14

Enjoy it while you can. In a generation or two, the flies are going to evolve and decide that you are gross and untouchable, just like the human race already has.

By hayleyjames | 0

#3281927 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 9:15

That's disgusting, clean your house how can you have that many flies in your house that they tickle you when they land

By mea_iloveskiing | 26

#3281937 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 9:18

Imagine a beehive!

stephan18 | 23

#3282029 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 9:42

No.