Animals: Today, I woke up to the feeling of someone tickling my back....

By GnarCarBar - United States

Today, I woke up to the feeling of someone tickling my back. I quickly realized I haven't been touched in so long that I was smiling to flies landing on me in my sleep. FML

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Animals

Messed up

Triage

Blender time!

By jinxofsocal - United States

Today, was my boyfriend's birthday. He wanted a blowjob while playing Call of Duty 4. In typical gamer fashion, he slammed his controller down when he died. Into my head. FML

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By danielle887 - United States

Today, I decided to pay a surprise visit to my family after I got some work leave. I drove over and knocked on the door, and a young couple answered. Apparently, my entire family decided to move to Texas, and didn't bother to tell me. FML

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By bathroomblunder - Canada

Today, I went to Starbucks to use the bathroom. After I knocked on the door, and turned the handle, this little old lady rips the door open and goes "I WAS TAKING A DUMP. YOU WANNA COME IN AND WIPE MY SHIT? DO YOU?!" and then continued to ask me the same question for five minutes. FML

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By hhaannnnaahh - United States

Today, I bit into my egg sandwich, and when I looked back into it, there were 5 long, gray, hairs leading from the sandwich into my mouth. FML

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By amorousintx - United States

Today, my grad student husband was unusually frisky in the middle of the day. I took the opportunity and we had an enjoyable afternoon romp. Afterward, I asked him what had gotten him in such a good mood. He replied, "I'd do just about anything to get out of doing my homework." FML

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By thatsnotacat - Australia - West End

Today, I woke up to something tickling me. Thinking it was my cat, I reached under the covers to give her a friendly scratch behind the ears. I imagine the giant spider that was actually there enjoyed my terrified screams. FML

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By wth? - United Kingdom - Rotherham

Today, my cousin started sending sarcastic love messages to me. I replied, with even cheesier lines. Then she rang me saying she was so glad I felt the same way. Turns out she wasn't being sarcastic. FML

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By footscratching - United States

Today, my wife and I were getting intimate for the first time in several months. Then we heard our son yelling from the other room needing my help. He needed me to scratch his foot because the cat was on his lap and he couldn't reach it. FML

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By poor - United States

Childish Gambino voice This is America

Today, my obnoxious neighbor once again bragged how much she gets from the government because she’s "too fat to work." Meanwhile, I had to start a gofundme after I couldn't afford dialysis from having to cut work hours so I could go to dialysis. FML

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By latino - United States

Today, at the Museum I volunteer at, I was touching some of the things in the exhibit where you can feel what natural boobs and testes feel like. I started rolling the "boob" like a stress ball and forgot where I was. When I realized people were staring, it became very awkward. FML

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By justfat - United States

Today, I was standing on a balcony smoking a cigarette when I noticed a woman giving me strange looks. When I put the cigarette out and went to walk inside she said "You shouldn't smoke while you're pregnant." I'm not pregnant. FML

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By facepalmshroomer - United States

Today, I tried hallucinogenic mushrooms for the first time with my friend. Little did I know, they last for around 6 hours, and I had class at 3, when I had to give a presentation in front of 30 people. FML

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By awkwardaf3 - United States - Bel Air

Today, as I squatted down to get a snack, my pajama pants ripped wide open. I guess the universe is try to tell me something. FML

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By shamefaced - New Zealand - Wellington

Today, I dropped my handbag into a water-filled gutter. As I was hurriedly fishing out the contents of my bag, I looked up. There was my ex, with the girl he left me for walking past, timed exactly to coincide with me manically scooping up one of many rapidly absorbing tampons. FML

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By "jonnybones223"

Today, I was awakened by my father saying how proud he was of his little boy. I assumed he meant me, since I landed an apprenticeship in the same union he's worked in for 25 years. Turns out he was speaking about his cat, who left a dead squirrel next to my bed. I stepped on the damn thing. FML

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By tallesttree54

Today my boyfriend proposed to me and I gladly accepted. The first words out of his mouth after getting off his knees were, "I own you now!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out the reason my clothes have been smelling a little funny isn't because I sweat heavily, it's because of the dead rat in the back of my dryer. FML

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By im_a_mocker - United States

Today, I decided to make a toaster scramble. I thought it was bad enough when the pastry fell through the grate in the toaster over. Then it burst into flames. After 5 minutes of fanning the smoke away from the smoke detector, it still went off. Now my entire dorm building is outside in a snowstorm. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Silver Spring

Today, my friend took me tandem skydiving. When it was time to jump, he began crying, said he'd cut our parachute cords, then said "Goodbye, cruel world!" and pushed me off the plane with him strapped to my back. I pissed myself and cried like a bitch. He thinks his "prank" was hilarious. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Hello? Hello?

Today, I learned that my boyfriend has narcolepsy when we were having sex and he passed out on top of me. FML

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By kirbykylestorm

Online Dating = Brutal

Today, I realised just how lonely I am. After using Tinder for about a week, I got my first match. I said hi while I was in class since I was excited, but by the time I'd gotten back home, she'd unmatched me. I've never felt so hurt by a complete stranger before. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my downstairs neighbor died. I knew because the smell wafted up to my apartment. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Stroudsburg

Today, I was riding a bike when a truck accidentally hit me. The handsome driver came out and asked if I was alright. I said, "I am now" and winked. He said "Eww, no" then immediately ran away and drove his truck around me. FML

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By Anonymous

Do you have an evil twin?

Today, my wife's parents came over, insisting they saw me at the bar at 1:30 p.m., talked to me, and that I left with another woman. I was at work all day. I have no idea what they are talking about, I've never done this. My wife doesn't believe me. FML

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By shortarse - Australia - Saint Lucia

Today, I finally moved into my own flat - no family, nor messy flatmates. Should be great, except for the fact that I'm so short, I have to climb onto the counter in the kitchen any time I want to reach my shelves. Like a child. I'm going to break my fucking neck. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Broken Arrow

Today, I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. My mom's reaction was, I shit you not, to tell me to "walk it off". FML

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By Wilhelm - Philippines - Makati

Today, I heard water dripping at the back of our house. I went to investigate, only to find a man peeing on our garden gnome. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my teacher compared the female reproductive system to Shrek's head. Never again will I be able to watch the movies. FML

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By Ticketshame

Today, I got pulled over for talking on my phone while driving. I'd lost my phone the day before. He didn’t believe me. So, I got a ticket for talking on a phone I can’t even find. FML

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By diggingaplotforone - United States - Redlands

Today, I was digging in my lawn, trying to ignore the suspicious glances coming from my nosy fuckball of a neighbor. When he asked what I was doing, I replied with dripping sarcasm, that I was digging up the schoolkids I killed last year. Fifteen minutes later, the cops he called arrived. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I woke up from surgery to have my appendix removed, only to be told by my wife it didn’t happen because my appendix was healthy. It turns out my intense pain was a rancid fart that lasted nearly 10 whole seconds while I was asleep and cut open on the operating table. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I found a ring box in the pocket of my boyfriend's pants while doing laundry. I eagerly walked up to him knowing that it was an engagement ring, hoping that he would propose on the spot. He tossed it back to me and said, "Well you found it, I don't actually have to ask now, right?" FML

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By Honey Badger - United States

Today, I was at a meeting. One of the other members decided to share that their cat had passed away recently. I got an uncontrollable nervous laugh, started crying because I was laughing so hard, and left the room while everyone watched in horror. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was feeling up my girlfriends chest. I was getting into it until she said "What are you doing?" I said I was rubbing her nipple. She replies, "Thats not my nipple, its a pimple." I felt up a pimple. FML

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By smellyhair - United Kingdom

Today, I was shopping for a new deodorant, and this guy was standing in the way. He wouldn't move, so I crouched down to get the one I wanted, right when he did the most violent fart right in my face. Then his wife came over, made a face and he whispered, "I think that girl just farted". FML

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By GuillermoCJ - Mexico

Today, I was at my girlfriend's house and had to go to the bathroom. While peeing, I had a cough attack. The cough shook my body, making me pee all over my pants. My girlfriend's parents just arrived. FML

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By Stupid - Australia - Bellerive

Today, I waited thirty minutes for a bus that stopped running three weeks ago. FML

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By xXangelaXx - United States

Today, my beloved pet chicken ran away from home. I got so distraught that my dad offered to buy me dinner. Specifically, KFC. FML

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By acnebutt - United States

Today, thanks to my peripheral vision and a dropped mirror, I realized that I have horrible acne on my ass. FML

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By burgeee - United Kingdom

Today, the love of my life sent me a text saying "touch my pork". Somehow I don't think my feelings are mutual. FML

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Top comments

By CherryBomb511 | 3

#3281833 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 9:04

Shower son.

By theunwiseone | 4

#3281901 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 9:11

Catch them and tie a little rope around their legs and u can eventually train them to love u, maybe.

COMMENTS

By thesiwel | 0

#3281825 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 9:03

First

gazzdogs | 5

#3281841 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 9:05

wow damn I wish I was cool enough to be first!

CherryBomb511 | 3

#3281850 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 9:06

You fail at life my friend.

thesiwel | 0

#3281852 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 9:06

Yeah I couldn't help it

StoryOfTheYear | 13

#3281868 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 9:07

Jealousy is just pouring out of me.
Congratulations though! For the time that you get to stay up there at least. :D

Ruler3000 | 17

#3281870 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 9:07

Do you feel accomplished?
Kiss your comment goodbai!

By CherryBomb511 | 3

#3281833 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 9:04

Shower son.

StoryOfTheYear | 13

#3281884 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 9:09

Don't think she needs a shower. Last thing they need to do is stay inside their house.

CherryBomb511 | 3

#3281918 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 9:13

She could also eliminate the source of the flies...just a thought.

indielove | 13

#3281951 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 9:21

It won't be long before they decide that they don't want to touch you anymore.

enonymous | 8

#3282050 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 9:48

19 - I agree how long before she nags them to death

rexgar2000 | 10

#3282330 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 12:07

pretty pathetic that she finds pleated on that.

ShayDeeBayBe | 0

#3286862 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 5:51

Lmaoooo

larry12693 | 1

#3287033 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 8:36

I think op just figured out why he hasn't been touched in so long

By Cashtangoteam | 10

#3281836 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 9:04

That's hot

netherflame | 0

#3284761 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 23:33

There's a fetish for that.

By WadeWilson_fml | 6

#3281846 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 9:05

That.. is rather sad.

michi23 | 0

#3286249 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 3:49

Seriously, he needs some friends.

By TorturedXeno | 27

#3281893 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 9:10

I'd say a significant other, some fly netting, and possibly a shower are in order.

leadman1989 | 15

#3282027 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 9:40

You look a little like Pedro from Napoleon Dynamite.

:P

By theunwiseone | 4

#3281901 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 9:11

Catch them and tie a little rope around their legs and u can eventually train them to love u, maybe.

By thejedi08 | 10

#3281907 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 9:11

YDI for smelling like trash!

Scar_loves_you | 0

#3282500 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 12:56

And you Deserve me calling you a douche.

StormfrontX33_fml | 24

#3282754 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 14:16

YDI for looking like trash. The flies should be circling you.

mike410 | 0

#3283324 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 17:09

I bet your used to flys bro, you look like a hobo

FLASH7221 | 0

#3295705 - Friday 16 September 2011 0:40

What does YDI MEAN

By perdix | 29

#3281923 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 9:14

Enjoy it while you can. In a generation or two, the flies are going to evolve and decide that you are gross and untouchable, just like the human race already has.