Today, I woke up to the feeling of someone tickling my back....

By GnarCarBar - 12/9/2011 23:03 - United States

Today, I woke up to the feeling of someone tickling my back. I quickly realized I haven't been touched in so long that I was smiling to flies landing on me in my sleep. FML

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Animals

Serious times

Ant life

Last dates

By silly_billy - 11/6/2009 05:08 - United States

Today, I was eating lunch with my wife. We were having a nice time when a man came up to me. He said, "Hey! Bill how are you?" I wasn't really sure, so being polite I said, "I'm sorry, I can't remember your name." He frowned and walked away. It was my company's Chairman of the Board. FML

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By goldengirl - 26/8/2011 09:09 - Australia

Today, my doctor asked for a urine sample. It's the first time I've tried to cup my own pee. Despite the fact that I'm a woman, I managed to aim wrong, and sprayed the floor, hit the door and my handbag with my own pee. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/4/2020 08:00

Rise and shine

Today, my cat woke me up at 3 a.m. by jumping from the shelf and landing on my nutsack. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/11/2015 14:52 - United States - San Francisco

Today, it's my 30th birthday. My husband came home with a big case of beer for himself, then told me he didn't have time to get me a present because of work. FML

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By Thefaller - 11/7/2019 16:00

Today, I went to my first university party already a little drunk. I perched on the end of a table to cool off from the dancing and the whole table tipped over and dumped me onto the floor. I was promptly laughed out of the room. FML

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By anon - 27/3/2013 23:17 - Netherlands - Swalmen

Today, I showed my aunt and mother my tattoo. They both burst out laughing. FML

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By unicorn - 13/9/2011 21:21 - United States

Today, while taking a stroll in the park, a kid walked up to me and asked, "Do you believe in unicorns?" I answered, "No." He dunked his ice cream cone on my head, laughed hysterically, and ran off screaming, "BELIEVE!" FML

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By ositsranielle - 13/2/2010 17:32 - United States

Today, while I was painting, my little nephew came in and started watching me. I left to clean my brushes. When I came back into the room, my nephew had spilled paint all over the carpet making a rainbow. It took me 5 hours to clean it up. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/7/2016 13:39 - United States - Revere

Today, my brother set me up on a blind date. I've been single for years and he said she was a perfect match for me, so I was excited. Turned out the fucker was playing a prank. The girl was my sister, who was just as surprised as I was. FML

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By Anon. - 5/5/2016 21:00 - United States - Allentown

Today, like every other day my boyfriend and I try and have sex, his dog cried and whined outside of his room until we stopped. She does this all the time and it kills the mood instantly. I can't have sex because of a toy poodle. FML

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By blenderbookf - 25/11/2010 18:33 - United States

Today, my dad was completely engrossed in a football game on TV, so, trying to be cute and funny, my mom flashed him. He didn't notice, but I did. FML

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By 404: sense not found - 8/6/2014 18:32 - United States - San Francisco

Today, some pig slapped my ass as he passed me in the street, then looked back at me with a dirty grin. His grin turned to horror when he realized that I'm actually a guy, then to anger as he bitched me out for "tricking" him by "looking like a chick". FML

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By Anonymous - 27/8/2011 07:21 - United States

Today, I was hosting a pool party, when my husband and his friends got the bright idea of lighting one of the party balloons on fire. Needless to say, it immediately exploded. In shock, he jumped back straight into me, sending me and my $400 cell phone splashing into the pool. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/3/2014 11:49 - Netherlands - Vlissingen

Today, I had to take the train from my hometown to my university for a very important meeting concerning my foreign exchange program. When I finally arrived, I noticed a Post-it on the door: "Meeting cancelled, sick". I basically made a 9-hour day-trip for a half-an-hour walk. FML

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By icantdrive - 19/3/2009 04:22 - Canada

Today, I went to a party to see my crush. He offered me a drink and I declined telling him that I don't drink because alcohol makes people act stupid and crash their cars. He then saw me back into a car parked on the street and shatter my backlights as I reversed from the driveway to go home. FML

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By screwwyou - 28/9/2009 01:16 - United States

Today, I was talking and joking with my boyfriend. He said "Hey wanna hear a joke?" I said "Yes." He said, "Our relationship." and walked away. He seriously dumped me through a one-liner. FML

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By Frazzled - 10/4/2011 10:59 - United States

Today, after three days of hospital camping with my very sick husband, he was finally out of danger when I left last night to get my first good night's sleep in almost 96 hours. He woke me at 5 a.m. with a phone call asking me to bring him comic books because he's bored. FML

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By Andrew7847 - 22/4/2012 05:24 - United States - Fort Worth

Today, I discovered I have really bad dandruff. I learned this when I went indoor mini golfing and my whole upper body lit up like a Christmas tree underneath the black light. Among my friends I'm now known as the abominable snowman. FML

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By help - 5/1/2015 18:52 - Malta - Naxxar

Today, I finally got a restraining order against my violent ex. My mom now keeps finding ways to tell me how shitty I am for breaking the "poor boy's" heart and how I didn't deserve him anyway. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2014 23:34 - United States - Akron

Today, as my boyfriend went to go down on me, he felt it necessary to stop at my stomach and clean the lint out of my belly button. 5ML

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By Sudokori - 7/9/2017 01:30

Today, my coworker paid me back the $15 I let him borrow and we shook hands. Later, I was called into my boss's office, where he threatened to fire me for doing a drug deal in front of customers. The police are getting involved. FML

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By Noname - 23/2/2009 04:50 - United States

Today, my sister had a friend over and I had just gotten out of the shower. I wrapped something around me and walked across the living room. When I walked through, they both started laughing hysterically. Turns out, I grabbed a poncho and the hole for the head ended up right over my crotch. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/2/2019 04:00

Today, I was driving my dad, who recently turned 50, to the store and had to listen to him go on and on that he’s having to accept that, as my siblings and I get older and are more independent, he’s having to transition from "sex god to just a dad." I don't know either. FML

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By fatface - 13/4/2009 04:05 - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me when my face was going to go back to normal after being swollen from having my wisdom teeth taken out last week. My face is back to normal. FML

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By mushroomtop - 23/9/2017 23:15

Today, I woke up extremely hung over on a friend's couch after a night of heavy drinking and partying. To my horror, I discovered that, in my drunken state, I'd allowed said friend's six-year-old daughter to trim my hair. I now have a bowl cut. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/2/2010 19:12 - United States

Today, it was my first day of softball practice. I'm the youngest one on the team by about 2 years, so I wanted to prove I'm just as good as everyone else. Too bad I tripped in the outfield and got hit in the head with a bat. I have a concussion. FML

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By you ripped them off ages ago - 17/8/2014 06:15 - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, a few minutes after giving birth to our fourth child, my wife pulled me close and whispered, "I love you, but if you ever put me through that again I'll rip your balls off." Everyone laughed. FML

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By Bilirubin - 20/2/2010 16:22 - United States

Today, at 1am, the girl of my dreams that I've been trying for over three years to date, finally asked me out via SMS. Too bad I was asleep at the time. She now thinks I've rejected her, and will no longer speak to me. FML

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By howannoying - 16/2/2013 06:24 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my mother started cursing at a lady for tooting her horn at her in traffic, because there was "no need for road rage". When I tried to calm her down, she slammed on the brakes and told me to get out and walk. FML

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By WeakerThanaLittleGirl - 5/2/2013 01:00 - United States

Today, after weeks of practice, I proudly did 9 chin-ups on my chin-up bar. As soon as I was done, my 11-year-old daughter came over and banged out 12 of them. Then she wiped her sweaty hands off and did 8 more. Then she gave me pointers on my technique. FML

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By familyfued - 17/2/2018 01:30

Today, I discovered the terrible things my parents say about my wife while visiting them. They speak in Arabic around us and I've never really been able to understand them. Guess who hasn't only brushed up on his Arabic, but spent the last 6 months teaching his wife. FML

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By whyme_ss - 20/7/2009 20:05 - United States

Today, I went on a rollercoaster for the first time. I sat in the back, which was a bad idea. When it ended everyone in front of me turned around and stared. When I asked my friend what was going on, she said I had been screaming the Lord's Prayer the whole time. I hadn't even noticed. FML

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By FrustratedTutor - 4/2/2015 03:39 - United States - Andover

Today, the kid I was tutoring told me that "pirates were a myth. Like the Greeks and Romans." He's 16. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/1/2011 13:26 - United States

Today, I was dumped. I ran home and cried and ranted on and on to my mother. After about 10 minutes of talking, she threw a book at my face and said, "No wonder he dumped you! You can't shut up!" FML

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By FMAhole - 12/2/2019 12:18 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, while at the office, a surprise Valentine's gift arrived for me, the first I've ever received. It was a box of heart-shaped cookies. From my mother. I'm 39. FML

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By ugh - 26/12/2012 14:05 - United States - Troy

Today, I woke up from an explicit dream involving my dentist. I'm scheduled for a conscious sedation appointment with him in two hours and I'm terrified of what I might say or do while I'm under. FML

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By WorkerBee - 17/3/2019 02:00

Today, I found out I didn't get accepted into a program I was nominated to attend at work that all other applicants with less experience than myself did. I found out when they asked if I had gotten the acceptance email. They didn't even bother telling me I was rejected. FML

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By WaterNeeded - 21/6/2018 20:30

Shortage

Today, I came back from a holiday with in-laws who don't speak English. After taking a dump and not being able to flush, I realised they had turned off the water prior to the holiday. I had to show them my poop to explain they had no running water. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/7/2012 16:04 - Japan - Tokyo

Today, as always, I have a very weak stomach. I'm in Japan right now, and all the unfamiliar foods set me off every time I eat. I can choose between having a great time and starving myself half to death, or sitting in my hotel room all day with stomach pains and diarrhea. FML

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By SMRT - 13/1/2010 06:08 - Canada

Today, I finished my position paper for my social studies class and read it to my mom to get her opinion on it. After I'm done reading it, she asks me if I copied it from somewhere because it sounded very professional and smart, and it didn't sound like me. FML

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Top comments

By CherryBomb511 | 3

#3281833 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 9:04

Shower son.

By theunwiseone | 4

#3281901 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 9:11

Catch them and tie a little rope around their legs and u can eventually train them to love u, maybe.

COMMENTS

By thesiwel | 0

#3281825 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 9:03

First

gazzdogs | 5

#3281841 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 9:05

wow damn I wish I was cool enough to be first!

CherryBomb511 | 3

#3281850 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 9:06

You fail at life my friend.

thesiwel | 0

#3281852 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 9:06

Yeah I couldn't help it

StoryOfTheYear | 13

#3281868 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 9:07

Jealousy is just pouring out of me.
Congratulations though! For the time that you get to stay up there at least. :D

Ruler3000 | 17

#3281870 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 9:07

Do you feel accomplished?
Kiss your comment goodbai!

By CherryBomb511 | 3

#3281833 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 9:04

Shower son.

StoryOfTheYear | 13

#3281884 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 9:09

Don't think she needs a shower. Last thing they need to do is stay inside their house.

CherryBomb511 | 3

#3281918 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 9:13

She could also eliminate the source of the flies...just a thought.

indielove | 13

#3281951 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 9:21

It won't be long before they decide that they don't want to touch you anymore.

enonymous | 8

#3282050 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 9:48

19 - I agree how long before she nags them to death

rexgar2000 | 10

#3282330 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 12:07

pretty pathetic that she finds pleated on that.

ShayDeeBayBe | 0

#3286862 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 5:51

Lmaoooo

larry12693 | 1

#3287033 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 8:36

I think op just figured out why he hasn't been touched in so long

By Cashtangoteam | 10

#3281836 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 9:04

That's hot

netherflame | 0

#3284761 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 23:33

There's a fetish for that.

By WadeWilson_fml | 6

#3281846 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 9:05

That.. is rather sad.

michi23 | 0

#3286249 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 3:49

Seriously, he needs some friends.

By TorturedXeno | 27

#3281893 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 9:10

I'd say a significant other, some fly netting, and possibly a shower are in order.

leadman1989 | 15

#3282027 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 9:40

You look a little like Pedro from Napoleon Dynamite.

:P

By theunwiseone | 4

#3281901 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 9:11

Catch them and tie a little rope around their legs and u can eventually train them to love u, maybe.

By thejedi08 | 10

#3281907 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 9:11

YDI for smelling like trash!

Scar_loves_you | 0

#3282500 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 12:56

And you Deserve me calling you a douche.

StormfrontX33_fml | 24

#3282754 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 14:16

YDI for looking like trash. The flies should be circling you.

mike410 | 0

#3283324 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 17:09

I bet your used to flys bro, you look like a hobo

FLASH7221 | 0

#3295705 - Friday 16 September 2011 0:40

What does YDI MEAN

By perdix | 29

#3281923 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 9:14

Enjoy it while you can. In a generation or two, the flies are going to evolve and decide that you are gross and untouchable, just like the human race already has.

By hayleyjames | 0

#3281927 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 9:15

That's disgusting, clean your house how can you have that many flies in your house that they tickle you when they land

By mea_iloveskiing | 26

#3281937 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 9:18

Imagine a beehive!

stephan18 | 23

#3282029 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 9:42

No.