Animals

By Worsttreeever - 05/12/2009 05:15 - United States

Today, we brought our Christmas tree inside to decorate. We decorated it, then went out to dinner as a family. Returning 2 hours later, we came back to find our living room to be occupied. Not with people. The tree had been filled with baby spiders, and they were all over the living room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 428

You deserved it 3 557

As a treat

By Username - 28/06/2011 20:40 - United States

Today, I stepped in a turd. Not a dog turd, my grandmother's turd. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 114

You deserved it 4 733

Traumatized

By Anon - 31/10/2009 11:08 - United Kingdom

Today, I invited my very animal-phobic boyfriend over. I have a dog and a rabbit, who are always well behaved, so I insisted they wouldn't do him any harm. My dog peed all over his shoes and my rabbit furiously humped his leg and wouldn't let go. He's now even more terrified of animals. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 747

You deserved it 12 220

Crotch shot

By Rash - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I got kicked in the crotch by a horse in my backyard. I don't own a horse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 689

You deserved it 3 321

By justpeachy1989 - 26/05/2016 14:06 - Australia

Today, I finally tested out my new robot vacuum cleaner. My puppy decided she would test it out too by leaving a brown surprise for it to find, which it did. There are now brown marks in every room of the house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 026

You deserved it 1 678

Skittish

By Exhausted Cat Catcher - 25/07/2022 02:00 - United States

Today, I accidentally let one of my grandma's cats outside, so I tried to get her back in. Unfortunately, this proved to be very difficult, because this damn cat would wait for me to get near her, and as soon as I came close to picking her up, she would leap and run away, then wait for me again. Show-off bastard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 806

You deserved it 258

By Bad Mother - 08/10/2015 11:53 - United Arab Emirates - Dubai

Today, I found out my son told his teachers that I make his brother Tom sleep on the floor, make him stay out of the house for long periods of time, and don't let him use the toilet. Tom is actually our cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 031

You deserved it 1 918

By Anonymous - 13/03/2011 13:19 - United States

Today, I went to the doctor for an infection from where a cat bit me while I was sleeping. Where that cat came from and how it got into my bedroom I will never know. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 025

You deserved it 3 240

Splashed out

By El Boz - 22/02/2009 14:52 - United States

Today, I took my dog for a walk down by the river. I was throwing sticks for him with one hand and talking on the phone with the other. Then I accidentally threw my phone in the river instead of the stick and was standing there talking to the stick while my phone sat at the bottom of the river. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 133

You deserved it 61 930

By scarred4life - 27/04/2011 14:05 - Canada

Today, I was absentmindedly playing with a piece of lint. When I looked at it, I realized that I had been rolling and squeezing a dead spider in my fingers for about five minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 849

You deserved it 19 115

By notacatperson - 01/03/2011 10:41 - United Kingdom

Today, I was informed that due to my cat being aggressive and attacking the postman several times, my mail would no longer be delivered to my address. I don't own a cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 101

You deserved it 2 794

By Tragic - 27/04/2009 21:50 - United States

Today, I heard my mom ask "Are you okay?" I opened my mouth to tell her about how I've been feeling suicidal lately. At that second, I realized she was talking to my cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 298

You deserved it 6 842

Scaredy cat

By Luke - 15/02/2024 00:00 - Australia

Today, I thought it would be a good idea to surprise my cat with a fancy new toy. I spent $30 on a laser pointer. Turns out, my cat is terrified of lasers, and spent the next hour giving me the "You betrayed me" look from under the couch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 419

You deserved it 229

Alas…

By Mum2be - 15/08/2021 04:01

Today, I saved a kitten from the streets, cleaned her up and asked the vet what I should do with her because she was the sweetest thing and my cat has a highly contagious illness. The vet had to put her down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 071

You deserved it 135

By MJ3105 - 07/05/2009 11:36 - Israel

Today, I was eating at a restaurant patio with a few friends. After the waitress cleaned up our table there was a drop of mayonnaise on the table. I wiped it with my finger and licked it. It wasn’t mayo, it was bird shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 177

You deserved it 153 100

Haute cuisine

By youwouldbeacat - 28/04/2009 02:38 - United States

Today, I was making a nacho and grabbed some refried beans that were in a plastic container out of the fridge and put them on top of the chips. After I’m completely done eating my mom looks in the fridge and asked me if I knew where the cat food was. I just ate a small can of cat food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 754

You deserved it 53 605

By Anonymous - 21/05/2009 16:41 - Canada

Today, I woke up early to take my dog for a walk. I wore spandex shorts. I stopped to talk to several people I know and passed a group of hot construction workers who checked me out. I just got home and realized I have the biggest cameltoe I've ever seen in my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 757

You deserved it 59 978

Happy Caturday

By Crazy Cat Guy - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - Fremont

Today, I was sitting at my computer, petting one of my cats, who was sitting on my lap. My other cat got jealous and tried to climb onto my lap as well. They ended up fighting. I was wearing shorts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 005

You deserved it 4 553

By Anonymous - 12/03/2013 14:05 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I took my daughter on her first visit to the zoo. While we were watching the lemurs, some kid thought it would be funny to start shouting "MONKEY CUNTS" at them at the top of his voice. Now my daughter refuses to stop repeating the same phrase. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 087

You deserved it 3 125

The irony stings

By Anonymous - 08/05/2009 02:07 - United States

Today, I was driving home, it was 80 degrees out. Making a rare attempt to be eco-friendly, I turned off the A/C and lowered the windows. A bee then flew in through the window, hit my cheek, and stung me. That's what I get for attempting to be eco-friendly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 070

You deserved it 11 338

By ScaryOldMan - 07/10/2009 07:57 - United States

Today, while trying to sleep, I kept hearing this groan/scream for help for about an hour. I decided to call 911 to send someone to investigate. Police came, I received a $100 parking fine and another citation for improper use of 911. The noise? Just a dog howling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 649

You deserved it 13 275

Catchy

By Apcn - 05/06/2014 20:05 - France - Concarneau

Today, my boyfriend bought yet another video game and played it all afternoon. Unlike me, our parrot is taking this situation rather well - for the past two hours he's been repeating, over and over, "EA Sports, it's in the game." FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 077

You deserved it 5 883

Caturday surprise

By My cat is special - 12/08/2023 20:00 - United States

Today, as I returned from work, a cat was meowing at me in a bush. I said hi to it and walked inside. Then I noticed one of my cats was nowhere to be found. After a bit of panicking, I finally figured out that cat in the bush was MY cat, and he was meowing because he was stuck. I don't know how he got outside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 683

You deserved it 214

Pets 4 life

By Anon - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was so lonely that I was comforted by the sound of mice running through the walls of my apartment. I left cheese and peanut butter out for them to find so that I could at least have a pet for company. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 561

You deserved it 10 056

By bouda - 15/05/2011 18:19 - France

Today, I killed a pigeon. It choked to death on a piece of bread I threw its way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 085

You deserved it 7 568

Long road ahead

By Catcrap! - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Rialto

Today, I'm moving from Arizona to Washington State with my 2 cats in my car. I've only just left and just learned that one cat gets carsick and the other stress farts. Only 956 more miles to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 641

You deserved it 6 518

By JustWantedToRelax - 10/05/2016 02:27 - United States

Today, I took my dogs to the park and sat in the grass while they played. Within the first half hour two male dogs peed on my back. The first owner apologized and gave me a wipe to clean up while the second one had the nerve to tell me "this is why I bring a chair" FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 852

You deserved it 1 514

Hiya!

By Anonymous - 25/08/2009 11:40 - United Kingdom

Today, I spotted my neighbour's cat sitting on their front garden. I bent over and began walking towards it with my hand out saying, "Hello pussycat!" I was only a few feet away when I realised I was talking to a white bag of sand. I turned to see my family in hysterics. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 860

You deserved it 40 712

By Anonymous - 12/10/2012 02:56 - United States

Today, I learned that scorpions can apparently hold their breath for hours, and that doing so makes them angry. I found this out when I removed a scorpion from the bottom of my pool and found that it was not entirely drowned. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 687

You deserved it 2 654

By buccaneer - 23/10/2012 16:26 - United States - Piscataway

Today, I was playing with my 2-year-old Siberian Husky, when she figured that since she couldn't get to my hand, she'd try to bite me in the genitals. She was successful. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 916

You deserved it 3 568

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The Top

Today, a girl and I were flirting and it was going well. Feeling bold, I asked what she would do if I kissed her. She smiled flirtatiously and said "Why don't you try it and find out?" I went in for a kiss, and she slapped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 642

You deserved it 14 059

Today, I mistook my dog's head for the gear shift while tearing down the highway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 259

You deserved it 27 649

Today, I overheard my girlfriend telling her friend, "Actually, it's a good thing she died, she was quite a bitch." She was talking about my mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 593

You deserved it 4 529

Today, following the advice of not putting my wallet in my back pocket, I put my wallet in my jacket's chest pocket. I lost my jacket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 569

You deserved it 1 524

Today, I almost died after getting an epidural in my neck. The medicine paralyzed my entire body, including my diaphragm and lungs. The doctor tried to say it was a panic attack. I had turned blue. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 191

You deserved it 252

Today, I was walking through a park when I saw someone running toward me. I thought he was jogging but quickly realized he was wearing nothing other than a grin. As he passed me, he yelled, “I’m freeeee!” I’m still trying to figure out why that was the moment I decided to take a sip of my coffee, because the shock made it come out of my nostrils. FML

I agree, your life sucks 371

You deserved it 95