Animals

Classifieds

By Anonymous - 18/08/2023 06:00 - Germany

Today, my online ad was deleted for being in the wrong category. I'm looking for a good home for two old horses, so I'd put the ad in the category “Horses”. Maybe I should try again under “Lawn Mowers”? FML

I agree, your life sucks 633

You deserved it 72

Psycho

By Anonymous - 12/10/2011 05:14 - United States

Today, I was on a drive with my uncle. We saw a dead deer on the side of the road and expressed our pity for it. Then a squirrel runs across the road and my uncle swerves toward the squirrel, laughing hysterically and yelling, "Run rodent run." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 647

You deserved it 4 237

The biohazard next door

By seriously - 25/10/2024 18:00 - United States - San Diego

Today, no matter how many times I've asked, my dumbass neighbor can't get into the habit of regularly picking up after her six dogs. Her backyard is covered in shit with probably just inches between each pile or log. This means the wind blows the smell of shit in the direction of my house. I can't open a window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 482

You deserved it 78

Febreze time

By catpeecathy - 14/09/2009 04:20 - United States

Today, I was looking in my laundry basket for a clean tank top to wear. As I felt around, I realized that most of my clothes were still wet after two days. After asking my mom what was wrong with the dryer, I found out that for two days my cat had been using my laundry basket as a litter box. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 686

You deserved it 5 441

By Anonymous - 11/08/2018 01:30

Today, I didn't see the cat in the bathroom before I took my pants down, and the beast tore open my ballsack. The doctor says I might lose my left testicle, depending on how the surgery goes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 879

You deserved it 365

Saber-toothed

By Anonymous - 09/03/2023 16:00 - United States - Portland

Today, I woke up to find out that my practically feral cat had chewed through my laptop charger cable. I guess I won't be getting much work done today. FML

I agree, your life sucks 720

You deserved it 293

Caturday surprise !

By baxeh - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - Sweden - Stockholm

Today, my cat pissed all over my work clothes. They weren't even on the floor, she knocked the hanger down just so she could use them as a toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 104

You deserved it 5 076

Bon appétit, I guess

By Jenn86 - 18/08/2023 08:00 - United Kingdom - Leicester

Today, I tried my hand at baking homemade individual apple tarts. While taking them out of the oven, I dropped the entire tray on the floor. My dog acted like it was Christmas in August and scarfed at least half of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 572

You deserved it 164

By Man vs. Spider - 28/02/2010 17:05 - United States

Today, my house was the only house left that still had its Christmas lights up, so I decided to take them down. Almost done, my fingers brushed over a spiderweb. Startled, I jumped off the ladder and broke my shoulder. Oh, and the spider still managed to stay on my hand, giving me a panic attack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 732

You deserved it 8 415

By spideypowers - 05/09/2009 04:06 - United States

Today, as I was using my mom's computer, a spider crawled onto the screen. So as per my usual reaction to seeing a spider, I smashed it as fast as I could. I missed the spider, but now I have to buy my mom a new monitor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 466

You deserved it 44 440

Don't touch me, bitch

By Grace - 14/11/2020 23:02

Today, I found out that when you try to pick up my cat, its response is to let out the most stinky fart it can. FML

I agree, your life sucks 797

You deserved it 229

Awkward…

By ApolloandDixie - 23/12/2009 06:17 - United States

Today, my mom and I were going to the store. I stayed in the car while she went in. In the car next to me, there was a dog in the driver's seat barking at me. Bored, I barked back at it until I realized there was someone in the passenger's seat watching me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 240

You deserved it 35 386

By Anonymous - 10/06/2016 21:29 - United States - Westfield

Today, I went to my father's house to get my dog, since I had left it with him while I was on a business trip. When I got there, my dad said the dog pooped on the floor a few days ago, and so he took him to the pound. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 146

You deserved it 1 018

Oddly specific cold open

By lalalalala - 23/09/2024 22:00 - United States

Today, I got a call from a telemarketer who asked, "Is this the crazy cat lady?" I only own one cat, but apparently, that’s all it takes to earn a reputation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 389

You deserved it 113

You owe me $5, kitty

By georgia819 - 21/05/2009 08:06 - Australia

Today, my cat was hit by a car. I took it to the vet expecting the worst but they told me that she’d be fine. I was so happy I didn't even mind paying the $50 bill. The next morning my cat was dead. Having her put down humanely would have cost $45, I paid $5 extra to have her die in my kitchen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 570

You deserved it 4 336

By blacktyaffair - 09/11/2011 14:48 - United States

Today, I discovered that my dog is an aspiring underwear designer, her latest project being creating crotchless underwear. Mine seem to have been used as prototypes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 147

You deserved it 4 067

By KornyKid - 21/02/2016 08:01 - United States - Citrus Heights

Today, I got a new cat for my birthday. It ate my bird right when we got home, then it ran away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 779

You deserved it 4 304

By riddick0846 - 12/12/2010 07:29 - United States

Today, I accidentally ran over a squirrel on the road. I was late for work so I didn't stop. Later, someone keyed the word PETA into the side of my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 834

You deserved it 13 199

Law and order

By Anonymous - 01/01/2016 07:03 - United States - Reno

Today, at the age of 20, I still have a bed time. It is strictly enforced by my cat via endless meows if I am up past 11 pm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 053

You deserved it 4 632

Fatal decision

By juliette - 07/02/2015 05:13 - United States - Astoria

Today, my mom called me an attention seeker and threw a bitch fit because my cat "decided" to die on her birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 819

You deserved it 2 534

Naughty boy

By At least they think he's cute - 25/05/2024 20:00 - United States

Today, I was in an online meeting when my cat decided to say hello. To do this, he walked in front of my screen, completely obscuring it in his fur. He then logged me out of the meeting by walking across the keyboard. Three times. Every time I tried to pick him up to make him stop, he got upset and attacked me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 244

You deserved it 451

By poophead - 30/05/2015 02:39 - Philippines

Today, I went to a fancy beauty parlor to prepare for my sister's birthday party. The minute I stepped out of the salon, with my hair beautifully trimmed and curled, a bird decided to use it as a toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 794

You deserved it 2 571

Insult to injury

By Anonymous - 15/06/2009 18:11 - United Kingdom

Today, I had a horrible day at work, came home early and burst into tears as soon as I was in the door. I curled up on the sofa, still bawling, and my cat came over and jumped up for a cuddle. I gave her a hug and she threw up down my back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 104

You deserved it 4 778

By nah - 09/09/2015 19:55 - United States - San Antonio

Today, I started my period. Every time I try to open a tampon, my dog goes crazy thinking it's one of his treats. Now I have to open them with my hair dryer on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 394

You deserved it 2 949

By freakfreak12345 - 19/07/2011 16:41 - United States

Today, I learned that when you piss on a hornets' nest from a window, the hornets will go after the source of the stream. It can also cause you to fall through your friend's second story window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 643

You deserved it 74 830

A Dog's Love = Priceless

By Sudokori - 29/08/2017 20:00

Today, I bought a lottery ticket. Two hours ago, I found out that the ticket was worth $100. Five minutes ago, I found my dog eating it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 406

You deserved it 670

Man's best friend

By just being honest - 20/05/2023 06:00 - United States

Today, my girlfriend is refusing to do anything around the house for me, including cooking, cleaning, laundry, or having sex. When I saw her cooking, I asked if any was for me. She instead replied, “Have the dog do it for you.” All this after I told her honestly that yes, my dog does mean more to me than she does. FML

I agree, your life sucks 313

You deserved it 2 972

he ded

By Anonymous - 27/03/2018 01:30

Today, while on an airboat exploring the Everglades, my cousin decided it would be funny to push me off the boat. Into water full of alligators. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 192

You deserved it 358

By Quirk - 29/10/2009 05:17 - United States

Today, in class, everyone read my Creative Writing submission. It was a touching story about the unconditional love that exists between dog and his owner. Everybody unanimously agreed that it was probably about bestiality. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 288

You deserved it 7 062

By vetstudentdream - 15/04/2017 14:00 - Australia - Bellbowrie

Today, I found out what it feels like to have a cow take a large, flatulent shit with my arm still elbow-deep inside their rectum. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 809

You deserved it 844

FML on Facebook

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The Top

Today, my grandmother said to me, "You look just like your mother did at your age. Except you're fatter of course." FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 400

You deserved it 4 885

Today, I went over to my friend's house. Her 5 year-old son answered the door and when he saw me said, "Oh great, it's YOU!" and slammed the door in my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 611

You deserved it 4 952

Today, the ice cream truck went by my house for the seventh time today, as it has for the last seven days of my fasting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 642

You deserved it 8 415

Today, my girlfriend of two years called me, drunk, telling me how much anal sex hurts with some other guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 565

You deserved it 2 744

Today, my ex-boyfriend came over. After I'd finished pouring my heart out to him about how much I missed him, and how much I loved him, he looked at me and asked, "So are we gonna do it, or what?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 295

You deserved it 11 608

Today, after a night of drinking, I woke up in the hospital with a broken coccyx. Apparently, my drunk self came to the glorious conclusion that it would be a good idea to cannonball into a puddle while screaming "POOLPARTYYYY!" at the top of my lungs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 119

You deserved it 5 744