Animals

Today, I packed my bags and left for the airport. When I passed through security, the X-ray scanner discovered that my cat had also come along for the ride. FML

Today, my sister told me she is getting married and asked me to be the Co-Maid of Honor. Who is the first maid of honor? Her cat. She is serious. FML

Time to go wireless

Today, while trying to open the packaging to my new headphones, I got startled by my cat suddenly meowing, and cut through the headphone wire. FML

Today, I found out my 15-year-old cat is having gas problems when she farted in my face. My mouth was open. FML

Multitasking

Today, while I was walking my friend's dog around the neighborhood, I watched as a little girl fall off her bike. I let go of the dog and ran over to help. The girl was OK but the dog ran into the street and got hit by a truck. FML

Today, I was called a "disabled buzzkill" for not letting someone pet my service dog. FML

Today, I got a phone call from a friend, who lives in the same neighbourhood as me, wondering if it was my father she saw walking a dog by her house, wearing only his boxers. It was. FML

No thanks

Today, I caught my dad eating the dog treats I'd bought for my dog. The only thing he could say was, "These are really good, no wonder the dog is so obedient. Wanna try one?" FML

SHAME!

Today, I urgently needed to use the bathroom at my boyfriend's house. When I went to flush, it wouldn't go down the pipes. After about ten panic-filled minutes, I noticed the cat litter box. I carefully scooped out my logs, and buried them in the cat litter. FML

Today, I found out what cat food tastes like mixed with mayo, hot sauce, and between two perfectly toasted pieces of rye bread. My cat found out what tuna tastes like instead of her normal food. FML

Hey guys!

Today, I found out that we have six skunks under my shed. While I was mowing the lawn, they all came out and sprayed me. FML

Today, between my cats scratching every surface they can find, my boyfriend's snoring, and the dog barking at every slight noise outside, I'm unlikely to ever get more than 3 hours of sleep at a time. FML

Today, my boyfriend bought us three kittens. Today, I also discovered that I am allergic to cats. My boyfriend broke up with me because he wanted the cats more than me. FML

Today, I was visiting a national park and went for a swim. Afterwards, I needed to change clothes but the bathrooms were closed. I went off into the woods to change. As soon as I was naked, I heard hooves and sixteen people on horseback rode by. I'd stripped by a horse trail. FML

Today, I was preparing food in the microwave. I hadn't noticed that a fly had flown in until I noticed its melted corpse engraved into my hot-pocket. FML

I just want to go to bed

Today, it's 1 a.m. and once again a freaking bird has flew into my house from the attic. My cats are of course all crazy right now as it sits in my room, in a high corner beyond reach. My children are sleeping and I have no way to let it outside from where it is right now. Oh and it's freezing outside. FML

Creepy

Today, my roommate informed me that one of her scorpions is loose in our apartment again. Great. FML

At least…

Today, I was driving home from another long night shift at work. I live from paycheck to paycheck thanks to the current economy and can barely afford rent. To keep myself positive, I thought, "At least my car is paid off." A deer ran out in front of me and totaled my car. FML

Today, I shaved my beard in preparation for an important work conference. Now my dog won't stop growling and barking at me. FML

Today, I received an unexpected package from my mother. It contained my cat's ashes. Apparently he died 3 weeks ago and she thought this was the best way to tell me. FML

Benny Hill theme music starts

Today, I tried to take a cute selfie with a majestic swan by a lake. Just as I was about to take the pic, the swan suddenly got visibly bored of my shit and chased me into the water. I emerged from the lake looking like a soggy, defeated swamp beast. FML

Wake up call

Today, as I was trying to fall asleep, I was jolted awake by my oldest cat who'd decided it would be perfect to power-puke all over my bed. FML

Today, my boss asked about the mass of deep scratches on my arm. I lied and told him it happened while I was trying to save my cat from a tree. Truth is, my cat is a sadistic asshole who stalks me and mauls me whenever he can. FML

Today, while feeding my neighbour's cats, I mistakenly switched up their foods. One has medicated food that causes drowsiness. The healthy cat got knocked out like a log. I panicked, laid him out by the bed, and spilled milk around his head to make it look "natural." I think I'm going to hell. FML

Mind your own business, lady

Today, I left my dog in the car while I quickly ran into a store. I came out to a woman smashing at my window, screaming that it was too hot in the car for the dog and saying I was being inhumane. The car was still running and the air conditioning was on. FML

Today, I stepped into a pile of dog shit on my doorstep, along with a note saying, "Keep your dog out of my yard." I don't own a dog. FML

Where to start?

Today a big-ass hawk swooped down and carried off my daughter’s dog. FML

Pull!

Today, I was walking my dog and he stopped to take a crap. While he was doing his business, I saw something white coming out of his butt that just wouldn't budge. He started whimpering and I stepped in to help him. I pulled out an entire plastic bag. FML

Today, my cousin thought it would be cool to put a firecracker in an abandoned birdhouse. Before I could tell him not to, it exploded and about 30 wasps came after me like the wrath of God. FML

Caturday surprise

Today, as I returned from work, a cat was meowing at me in a bush. I said hi to it and walked inside. Then I noticed one of my cats was nowhere to be found. After a bit of panicking, I finally figured out that cat in the bush was MY cat, and he was meowing because he was stuck. I don't know how he got outside. FML