Animals

By itzcorinnelove - 18/08/2009 16:11 - United States

Today, I was walking my Aunt's dog to the park and I grabbed a few doggy bags to pick up the poop. As it turns out the bag had a small unoticable hole in it, that grew bigger as I fit my hand through it. I ended up using my hand to pick up the poop and didnt realize it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 187

You deserved it 12 745

As a treat

By Sleepdeprived - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Falmouth

Today, I bought some crickets as a treat for my lizard. One escaped and somehow got into the heating system in my room. The chirping is amplified and comes from everywhere and nowhere at the same time. Goodbye, restful sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 462

You deserved it 9 992

By prevostsrocklike - 11/05/2009 12:38 - United States

Today, I gave my wife a cat. The first thing it did when it got out of the box was scratch the shit out of my leg. Next, it ran up to my wife and purred. She said, "Good cat." FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 011

You deserved it 10 559

Helicopter parents

By Anonymous - 20/12/2021 20:00

Today, I got home to see that my dad had let himself in. He told me he'd caught a feral dog that somehow got into my house, but not to worry, he lured it back outside and it ran away. So yeah, my dad set loose the dog I literally just saved yesterday from being euthanised at our local dog pound. Thanks dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 448

You deserved it 145

By Maggie123 - 14/09/2009 05:07 - Canada

Today, I was taking my morning pills. There had been a lot of fruit flies in my house lately. I grabbed a cup of water beside to sink to wash the pills down. As soon as I tasted the drink, I realized it was vinegar and dish soap used to trap the flies. I washed my pills down with dead flies. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 293

You deserved it 27 939

Major escalation

By animal cruelty - 24/06/2025 15:00 - Netherlands - Amsterdam

Today, I complained about a wasp nest in the yard. My boyfriend said he'd take care of it once the sun went down. That evening, I looked outside to see him pour gasoline on the nest and set it on fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 330

You deserved it 167

By OMGraven - 19/02/2010 08:24 - United States

Today, I returned home to find that my boyfriend's dog had gotten into the garbage and ripped all my used pads to shreds. There's a trail of Always tatters leading to his dog bed, and blood everywhere. My blood. Oh God. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 687

You deserved it 3 610

Raised by cats

By Anonymous - 23/12/2021 20:01

Today, my baby will only stop crying if my evil-smelling, bad-tempered, violent, half-feral, half-psychotic cat climbs into her cot to sleep next to her all night, yet when I try to do anything like feed her or change her nappy, she cries like she’s being tortured, I just don’t understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 968

You deserved it 210

By Anonymous - 26/06/2016 12:22 - Australia - West End

Today, my dog chewed up my $120 dildo. Goodbye, sex life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 528

You deserved it 5 543

Ummmm… OK?

By Lionman - 05/04/2012 05:11 - United States - Ann Arbor

Today, during my first man-to-man conversation with my girlfriend's father, he decided to mention the details of lion mating patterns he'd once witnessed. After a lengthy description of the lion's barbed penis, he said, "It also made me feel better about myself that I could last longer than a lion." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 394

You deserved it 2 735

It's real, I'm telling you!

By Tenniemo - 20/06/2018 15:00 - United States

Today, while packing up my classroom, I had a sudden stinging pain in my finger. Since I live in Arizona, my first thought was a black widow or scorpion, but the ER doctor didn't believe me and said it's nothing. Tell that to my tingling swollen arm. It’s been 4 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 829

You deserved it 233

Law and order

By Karen - 15/08/2025 03:00

Today, I was walking my dog when he decided to poop in the middle of a crosswalk during heavy traffic. We have very strict laws (and fines) so I frantically tried to pick it up while cars waited, honking and watching me struggle like I was in the worst street performance ever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 437

You deserved it 102

You are the chosen one

By Me. - 16/12/2022 03:00

Today, a cat appeared in my basement. I have cats, but not an orange one. I don't know where he came in from. I can hardly afford the two cats and dogs I already have, so keeping him is not an option, not to mention he could have a disease. But it's winter, and I feel like crap for having to kick him out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 000

You deserved it 255

By SeagullsShouldDie - 28/08/2010 06:07 - United States

Today, was my uncle's funeral. He was cremated, and his wish was to have his ashes spread into the sea. As we were waiting for the waves to come and take him away, a group of seagulls came by picking at all his ashes. I guess he tasted good. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 155

You deserved it 3 385

Slimed

By Hashtagfail - 04/08/2021 10:01 - Netherlands

Today, I went outside to feed the hedgehogs who often visit my garden. It was late in the evening and dark outside. I was walking barefoot, when I suddenly stepped on something. It felt soft and splashed apart under my foot. I looked and realized that I had stepped on a slug. FML

I agree, your life sucks 672

You deserved it 359

Treasure hunt

By Catois - 05/03/2010 05:17 - United States

Today, I caught my dog attempting to shit on the carpet. When I saw him, I screamed. Startled, he ran around the house, continuing to take his shit. Now, I don't have to clean up a nice pile, I get to go on a scavenger hunt and find all of the scattered turds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 784

You deserved it 13 242

By Abendigo77 - 14/01/2013 04:49 - United States - Healdsburg

Today, my vegan boyfriend told me that if he were forced to kill either his cat or me, he'd kill me because he "would never kill an animal." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 591

You deserved it 6 848

Who run the world? Cats!

By tease_ftx - 31/08/2017 13:00

Today, as I was laying down to sleep, I grabbed my covers and realized the cat pissed on them and on my body pillow. Now I'm up at 1 a.m. doing laundry so I can have clean bedding and my kids are awake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 217

You deserved it 446

By Anonymous - 27/05/2009 22:44 - United States

Today, my kitten was playing with the drawstring on my pajama pants. He then jumped, clinging on to my crotch. I screamed in pain, which scared him and made him hold on tighter. My cat was literally hanging from my vagina with its claws for a good 30 seconds before I could pry him off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 747

You deserved it 8 174

By xtammyle - 19/02/2013 07:01 - Australia - Lower Plenty

Today, I walked in on my dad straightening my dog's fur. His excuse? The dog needed to feel pretty. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 609

You deserved it 4 513

By vishuzzbabe77 - 22/08/2011 06:04 - United States

Today, I bought a Halloween costume for my cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 449

You deserved it 41 674

By itsnotyouitsme - 20/04/2016 18:54 - United States - San Francisco

Today, after breaking up with my boyfriend of 2 years, I was backing out of his driveway when he came running out yelling "STOP!" I thought he wanted to make up so I kept going, until I'd run over his dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 327

You deserved it 35 346

By Alex - 09/02/2017 21:00 - United States - Richardson

Today, I am home sick with a sinus infection. I had to break up a fight between my two dogs over who got to chew on my snotty tissue. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 566

You deserved it 548

By callmeclarence - 23/06/2014 05:41 - United States - Valencia

Today, I took my clothes off for a shower at an RV campsite. I started running the water when I noticed there was a pack of hornets in the bathroom. I stood there, stark naked, waiting for a chance to get out, for four hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 083

You deserved it 5 636

Little devil

By Teresa - 28/05/2010 04:30 - United States

Today, I couldn't sleep because I had the worst time positioning myself around my cat who was sleeping in my bed. I couldn't kick my cat out of bed because I earlier today had an argument with my brother over which of us the cat loved more. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 012

You deserved it 42 727

By mykhael - 21/08/2013 18:58 - United States - Opelousas

Today, my girlfriend and I started fighting. Instead of arguing for herself, she decided to set her puppy on me. Only "Puppy" is the name of her fully-grown police-trained German Shepherd. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 157

You deserved it 7 484

Because I'm worth it

By Anonymous - 23/12/2020 02:01

Today, I discovered a cat turd in a bath towel from most recent batch of laundry. I was wondering why my facemasks for the whole work week smelled so strange. FML

I agree, your life sucks 875

You deserved it 191

By Blindsided - 08/10/2018 15:30

Today, my boyfriend’s dog decided that his stomach needed a month’s supply of contacts more than I did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 644

You deserved it 331

Jerry wins again

By Trapped - 10/06/2009 08:13 - Australia

Today, I failed a basic intelligence test when the mouse trap I was setting up snapped on my thumb. Later, when I checked the trap I saw that the mouse had managed to lick all the bait off the trap without being caught, I have a sore thumb and was outsmarted by a rodent. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 315

You deserved it 14 172

Siren king

By drreeeewwww - 25/11/2014 20:44 - United States - Salem

Today, I found out that my dog likes to howl when he hears sirens. I live next to the fire station. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 654

You deserved it 3 752

FML on Facebook

Keywords

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The Top

Today, I was driving when I noticed that the guy in front was on the phone. I pulled up next to him, pulled out my phone and I made a gesture that he needed to put his phone away. It was a cop. I got a ticket for driving while on my cell phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 101

You deserved it 34 422

Today, I was alone at my dad's house. I was furiously masturbating when I knocked something over. It was my grandmother's ashes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 142

You deserved it 627

Today, I walked in on my father and brother attempting to harmonize their farts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 343

You deserved it 5 778

Today, my boyfriend bought a bikini he wanted me to wear in our hot tub. Unfortunately, I ran out of swimsuits for my daily swim at the public pool, so I took the new bikini. Now I know why he wanted to be alone when I wore it, as water turns it see-through and melts the stitching so it falls off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 792

You deserved it 522

Today, I walked out to my car to see four kids taking the hubcaps, radio, and license plates off of my truck. I chased them six blocks until I tripped and twisted my ankle. I limped back to my car and found a ticket on my windshield for $55 dollars. The reason? Missing license plates. FML

I agree, your life sucks 77 658

You deserved it 3 177

Today, my sister played a prank by pretending to break into my house. I ended up nailing her in the chest with my baseball bat. Now all of my family is bitching and wants me to pay the medical bills. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 667

You deserved it 1 356