Today, I came home from work to find white fabric and crystals all over the apartment floor. I followed the trail of destruction to my bedroom, where my roommate had left our closet door open. Apparently, her cats decided that my wedding gown was to be their newest conquest. FML
Today, my mom’s greedy cat stole some milk I had left on the countertop, completely undeterred by the fact that not only was the milk in a plastic bag, it was also frozen solid. Yep, he actually managed to eat it. FML
Today, my mum sat me down for a serious talk about not being home enough - not because she misses me, but because the family cat needs more stability in her life. FML
Today, the abandoned cat that I took in for the night and during bad weather seems to have spread fleas around my house. They're everywhere. FML
Today, after months of trying to persuade her to give it to a wildlife rescue, I reported my stepmother to the authorities for illegally keeping an endangered bird in the kitchen. When they took it, she screamed that I had no right to do that, as she considered it hers since she found it. FML
Today, I was doing homework in my room when my roommate started meowing all of a sudden. Not only was he meowing, he started to make loud cat noises that resembled a cat being run over by a car. He's gonna be my roommate for the rest of the year. FML
Today, I got out of the shower to find my cat staring up at me. Apparently my swinging penis looks like a cat toy to her, so she jumped up and clawed and tried to bite it. FML
Today, while I was using my computer, my cat ran up to the power strip, looked me in the eyes, and hit the power switch, turning everything off. She does this quite often. FML
Today, I smashed a spider with my pencil eraser. Later, I absentmindedly chewed on it while doing my homework. FML
Today, I left for my shop in the work truck at 6 a.m. I was still in the process of waking up with my windows down, on a semi-busy street, when BAM! a bird flew in the window into the cab. FML
Today, my dog nearly died when my mom fed him chocolate. After finding out dogs are not supposed to eat chocolate, she promptly grounded me for not telling her. FML
Today, in preparation for a third interview for my dream job, I spent an hour selecting the perfect outfit. I hung everything on my bedroom door and went to shower. My dog decided to play tug-of-war with the clothing and redesign the shoes. The only thing to survive unscathed was the hanger. FML
Today, my cat ran outside. As I ran around the side of my house to get her, I felt a gigantic spiderweb land on my face. I also felt a light thud on my eye and it started to tear up. I ran inside and looked in a mirror, the spider was in my eye. FML
Today, I was woken up by the sound of my electric piano. It seems my cat is Mozart's reincarnation and, after finding out how to turn the piano on, decided that 3 a.m. is a good time to practice. FML
Imjast tells us more.
Imjast 1
OP here, I wasn't logged in when I submitted this story, I hope the website will recognize my IP or something ! English isn't my native language, so I apologize in advance for the mistakes. I thought it had been rejected and was really surprised to read it in the FML list today ! 2017 is definitely starting well for me. My cat is a little devil, always has been, and probably always will be. Like #1, I'm used to having miaowing concertos all day and all night (I blame the siamese blood). And #10, yes she's incredibely smart (a bit too much), but it doesn't keep her from pooping on my bed/couch/carpet when she's annoyed at me, so maybe your cat is some kind of misunderstood genius as well ! Now, to all of you telling me to unplug it, here is the long version of the story : This story actually happened a while ago. I bought the piano around 2 years ago, never really got the chance to play it, and then lost the charger (?) so I couldn't play anymore. I only tried it once before loosing it, and the cat was fascinated, which is surprising because she usually hates music (she used to attack me, and not for playing, when I practiced my singing, and I had to give up on ever being able to play the whistle, harmonica or any kind of wind instrument because either she would miaow to death or run like hell to hide in the closet, and then revenge by pooping/peeing on something). Last november, I bought another charger, and as soon as I tried it, the cat went crazy, and spent the rest of the day sitting in front of the piano or climbing on it, waiting for it to make a sound. I didn't unplug it because basically the outlet is behind a bookshelf, so I have to crawl under the piano, manage to get my arm behind the shelf in the right angle to be able to push as hard as I can to get the darn thing in. So let's just say I won't do it everyday. Plus I knew she was smart, but I didn't think she'd be that smart ! So in the middle of the night (luckily I was having insomnias), I just heard the sound of the piano, and when I turned on the light saw the little furry monster jumping on it ! When she noticed me looking at her, she just miaowed happily and kept on jumping. I was laughing so much that I forgot to yell at her. After that, I just put my home phone to cover the button, so she wouldn't start again. But last week I must have pushed the phone a bit because she did it again (during the day this time), which gave me the idea for the FML :)
Today, I thought it would be nice to take my obese dog for a walk, since she hasn't had one in a long time. She was doing great, until we were about a mile from our house. She plopped down on the ground and wouldn't move. Nobody was home so I had to carry her all the way back to our house. FML
Today, my dog did something I had no idea he could do. He participated in an all-male three-way at the dog park. In front of everyone. FML
Today, I lost my dog. I looked around my neighborhood for hours, and found him under my bed asleep when I got home. FML
Today, my drug addict of a roommate convinced herself my red kitten was Pennywise the clown in disguise waiting to kill her, and hit him over the head with a pan. FML
Blaisey tells us more.
Blaisey 22
Hey guys, OP here. I talked to my landlord about my roommate a few hours ago. She's a very sweet older lady, and she was in tears when I told her what happened. My roommate now has 48 hours to get out. I took Paprika to the vet right away, and they said she'll most likely survive, but it's possible she'll have brain damage. She woke up in the car on the way there (after a good ten minutes of not moving, I was so afraid she didn't make it) but they gave her something to make her sleep for awhile. Thank you all for your support!
Today, I found out what it feels like to have a cow take a large, flatulent shit with my arm still elbow-deep inside their rectum. FML
Today, my boyfriend decided to come over and surprise me. When he got to my apartment and heard the shower running, he decided get in and join me. I was walking my dog, my mother is in town for the weekend. FML
Today, my girlfriend is refusing to do anything around the house for me, including cooking, cleaning, laundry, or having sex. When I saw her cooking, I asked if any was for me. She instead replied, “Have the dog do it for you.” All this after I told her honestly that yes, my dog does mean more to me than she does. FML
Today, my dad finally used the electric shaver I bought him for Christmas. My dog now has bald patches. FML
Today, I was watching my dog via security camera live feed, when my roommate came in completely naked to make breakfast for himself. FML
Today, I spotted a huge spider in my bedroom. I freaked out at first, but I managed to confront my arachnophobia and killed it with a book. I was ecstatic and went to tell my boyfriend. By the time I returned to my room, the "dead" spider had vanished. Now I'm too scared to sleep. FML
Today, I found out that my very expensive and beautiful smelling perfume attracts wasps. Whenever I go out, wherever I am, I am followed by multiple wasps. FML
Today, I tried to introduce myself to the stray cat outside my house. As it turns out, this cat is very friendly. He got up and started climbing on my shoulders like a parrot, sniffing me everywhere. Then I sneezed and he fell, scratching my back and neck very badly as he did so. FML
Today, my dog discovered his new toilet by taking a dump on his own bowl. FML
Today, I spent a half hour trying to help my cat down after he got stuck in the tree on my lawn. I finally gave up and called a local tree care company to help. When I returned outside, I found my cat casually walking about by the door. The guy who showed up to help was not happy. FML
Today, I was watching a movie on TV. One of the characters has the same name as my dog, and when his name was called, my dog got so excited that he jumped face-first into my TV. FML
Today, my friends had ditched me for a party I hadn't been invited to so I was sitting home alone. The only other thing in my house was the mosquito I nicknamed Fred. I liked to watch Fred fly around and try to suck my blood. Twenty minutes later, I found Fred's dead body. I was actually sad. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thank you, your FML was submitted, and will appear the moderation soon!
