Today, just like any other day, I came home from work to find all my cabinets opened, my couch cushions on the floor, my sink drain filled with items, my shoes scattered all over my apartment, etc. I thought I was adopting a kitten, but it turns out it was actually the Antichrist. FML
Mfisher394 tells us more.
OP here. He is about 6 months old now, so not exactly a "kitten" anymore, but still. He is honestly the weirdest kitten I've ever had. He eats everything, opens all my kitchen & bathroom cabinets, somehow throws all my couch cushions on the floor, puts things in my sink & toilet, climbs up my walls, jumps inside my inclosed shower then knocks everything down inside, jumps on top of my flat screen and walks across the top, eats my hair in my sleep, and attacks everyone who comes into my house that isn't me. I have an slightly older cat (1y 6m) who had a stroke and now has some brain damage, and she thinks he is the weirdest thing ever! Lol! Luckily they get along well! I love him to death, but I was totally unaware of what I was getting into. Ha!
Today, I let my dog outside so he could pee. After an hour, I let him back in. He just wanted to come inside to pee on the floor. FML
Today, I spent 3 hours trying to read my dog's mind. FML
Today, my neighbour's kitten got run over, so I bought her chocolate as comfort food. When I gave it to her she joked, "Now I'm going to get fat." It was at that moment that my brain stepped out and my mouth took over and I heard myself say, "You deserve it!" FML
Today, I found out that the horrific smell coming from somewhere in my kitchen was a rotting dead mouse that somehow got stuck in my dishwasher. I have been eating off plates washed in dead mouse water for the past week. FML
Today, I finally got up the nerve to leave my boyfriend. We have no spark and quite honestly, it's been really awkward. I planned to tell him when he came in, and I did. After all was said and done, he handed me the roses and new puppy he had bought for me, a puppy that I had been saving up to get. FML
Today, I was awoken by a slug crawling down my back. FML
Today, I was visiting my childhood home, and I checked out my old treehouse. A family of skunks had made it their home, and I was promptly sprayed upon entering. FML
Today, I was the designated emotional support person for my friend's mom as she went to have her sick cat put down. The cat was aggressive towards the male vet. She said, "She doesn't like men" to which the vet replied, "Well, soon that won't be a problem." The willpower it took both of us to not yell at him, or worse… FML
Today, I woke up and got ready for class. I let the dogs outside while I got ready, then brought them back in. As I was putting my shoes on, I felt something warm and mushy. One of my dogs had pooped in my shoe right as I was leaving. I missed the city bus and was late. FML
Today, I told my younger sister that meat comes from cute animals like chickens and cows, hoping she'd want to be vegan like me. Instead, she laughed and made up a song about how chickens turn into tenders and cows turn into cheeseburgers. I ended up being the one who got upset. FML
Today, my friend's dog got hit by a car. I was the only one not in shock, and had to drag the poor thing off the road, then comfort a hysterical friend while the driver verbally abused us and demanded we pay for the repairs to his car. FML
falconjade tells us more.
falconjade 19
OP here! The dog got out when the old man who rents out a room in my friends house - though he'd been repeatedly warned not to - let the dog out. The dogs not very well-trained and does not come when you call him, which is why we keep him inside except for when he goes on walks, on a leash. We had all been getting ready for our schools semi formal so we ran out into the cold in bare feet and dresses while we tried to make sure the dog didn't run away. He was running back towards our friends house when the car hit him. My friend lives beside a public school so the dog was hit in a school crossing zone, so there was no reason for the driver to be going fast enough to not be able to hit the brakes in time, but evidently he was. Fortunately the dog is a massive German Shepard. When he got hit, there was a terrifying bang followed by horrid whimpering. We all thought he was going to die. I'm trained in first aid and checked for injuries on the dogs body, and he seemed fine, except for a scrape on his eyebrow, so I took him back to the house. The bumper of the car was knocked clean off and it seems the dog has a concussion but he will live, but the driver keeps showing up to my friends house, who can't afford a vet bill, let alone the repairs cost.
Today, I finished painting my living room. I had to leave the house in a rush. When I got home, I found smears of paint all around and the carpet crusted with paint that had dried. My cat had rubbed up against the walls and tracked it around. FML
Today, I found my diamond earring, which had gone missing. The vet had to surgically remove it from my dog. Despite having made the voyage through the dog's digestive tract, the earring is more expensive than ever. FML
IamHM tells us more.
IamHM 14
Bingo! He's a black lab. And apparently likes shiny things.
Today, I stopped at a park because a duck was following me. I assumed it wanted food, so I gave it a small piece of bread. It followed me to my car, waited beside the door, and then followed me across the parking lot. I may have accidentally adopted a duck. FML
Today, I received the photos my friend took of me proposing to my girlfriend. I'd proposed at the place we'd first met: the local zoo. When I looked them over, I noticed there was an elephant taking a shit in the background. FML
Today, I dropped $1600 at the emergency vet because I thought my 14 year-old cat was constipated or obstructed. He was neither. He just had lots of gas in his intestines. I paid $1600 to find out my cat needed to fart. FML
Today, I spent hours baking a multi-layered, detailed cake from scratch for my mom's birthday. It took two seconds for my dog to devour the cake while I picked up a spoon I dropped on the floor. FML
Today, I bought a fancy automatic ball launcher for my dog. When I demonstrated it, my dog watched the ball fly through the air, then charged at the launcher instead, thinking it was the toy. FML
Today, my mother's beloved cat died and we thought it would be nice to bury it in the back yard. I came home from work and while walking to the door saw that the cat had been dug up and partially eaten by the local raccoons and strays. FML
Today, I reached down to pet an elderly man's dog. It jumped up and utterly mauled my face, drawing blood. As I gasped in shock and pain, the man said, "Careful, he likes to scratch." FML
Today, I washed the comforter one of my nine-month-old kittens peed on last night. Just as soon as my boyfriend put it on the bed, she peed on it again. FML
Today, I bought a lottery ticket. Two hours ago, I found out that the ticket was worth $100. Five minutes ago, I found my dog eating it. FML
Today, an old lady in public transport yelled at me and my dog, called me a liar, and threw her grape soda over me because according to her my pet Shiba Inu was actually a fox, and keeping foxes as pets is illegal. FML
Today, my 3-year-old pooped on the floor and blamed it on the dog. How do I know? We don't have a dog. FML
Today, I left the sliding glass door to our townhouse open because it was such a beautiful day. Our new puppy, whom we have been potty training, peed in the yard and I praised him relentlessly. He then walked inside the house, pooped on the carpet, and ran back outside. FML
Today, on the way to class, I got distracted while watching some ducks and walked face-first into a concrete pole. I ended up with a black eye and three stitches. Even the nurse laughed. FML
Today, my 17 pound cat fell from a counter. It wouldn't have been a big deal if he didn't try to use my leg as a tree to cling onto on the way down. FML
Today, I had an elaborate fantasy of what I would do if I became a cat and how I would make my way to my crush's house to be their cat. FML
emmaavk88 tells us more.
emmaavk88 18
If that was true, double F my life! Luckily he isn't, I made sure of that -OP
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