Animals

By good_gravy - 20/02/2012 19:39 - United States

Today, my dog threw up on my bed while I was sleeping. I lost an hour of the day washing the vomit out with a rag, and my garbage disposal jammed on whatever otherworldly things my dog ate the day before. I had to dig it out by hand. FML

agreeclassic 24 237

vote type 1 3 641

By AnnoyedAggie16 - 05/12/2016 09:14 - United States - Cypress

Today, after being neutered, my dog has managed to destroy three different "cones of shame", a special (and expensive) inflatable "donut" collar, and two t-shirts used as last resorts. I've essentially spent over $100 to unsuccessfully try keep my dog from licking his crotch. FML

agreeclassic 8 527

vote type 1 923

AnnoyedAggie16 app_comment_confession_title

AnnoyedAggie16 0

Thursday 8 December 2016 5:59

This is the OP. I didn't have an account when I posted this so I'm not sure how to make my comment show I'm the OP, but oh well. Basically we adopted a dog after thanksgiving and the shelter insisted they neuter him themselves before he could go home with us. Being one of the highest intake shelters in the state, I'm sure his surgery was a little rushed, and the results were not ideal. Speaking as a former vet tech, his incision placement was very odd and has caused a lot of problems for him. We've actually had to see the vet four times in the past week over it. Unfortunately this makes it even more important for us to prevent him from licking, which obviously has proven problematic to say the least. We've finally managed to keep an e-collar on him for more than a day... but it's probably only a matter of time. We love our new troublemaker tons regardless though.

Batman

By Anonymous - 05/10/2021 23:00

Today, at work, someone found a bat indoors. I offered my help. They shouted, "Let someone with the right expertise do it." I volunteer as a bat carer. FML

agreeclassic 1 068

vote type 1 136

3spooky5me

By Anonymous - 10/09/2018 13:00

Today, I stayed the night at a friend's house for the first time. I went to get water from the kitchen when I saw a cat staring at me. I looked back and it ran off. I told my friend about it. He doesn’t have a cat. FML

agreeclassic 2 613

vote type 1 238

By Kimmikoto - 31/01/2017 07:00 - Canada - Cambridge

Today, the vet told me that my cat is too fat to be able to wipe her own ass. I had to go Walmart to purchase pet wipes to clean her butt. FML

agreeclassic 4 916

vote type 1 3 606

Grooming tips

By love bitten - 14/07/2021 10:01 - Australia

Today, after two months of having a bird, she finally trusts me enough to perch on and even preen me. Unfortunately, it seems she thinks my freckles are lice and she's made it her mission to bite them off. FML

agreeclassic 913

vote type 1 163

Kenny Loggins is penning a song

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my manager came into the dog grooming salon I work at, lecturing about the importance of staying out of a dog's "bite zone". Right then, the dog I was working on bit me. FML

agreeclassic 24 978

vote type 1 4 506

Fundies

By CatOwner - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my father spent half an hour trying to convert my cat to Christianity. He has already done this with my other two cats. He's completely serious and thinks they are born-again Christians. FML

agreeclassic 37 283

vote type 1 3 386

Bad boy!

By Carrie - 23/02/2021 21:30

Today, I was enjoying my dinner by my patio window when I spotted a cat roaming through my backyard. As I observed it explore my yard, I also watched as it climbed onto, then took a piss on the freshly clean clothes I had left to dry. FML

agreeclassic 902

vote type 1 143

Pissed

By Anonymous - 23/06/2021 04:01

Today, I discovered that my cat will not use a litter box if it has a lid. How did I discover this? The two weeks of crystallized cat pee coating the floor under my 19th century grand piano. FML

agreeclassic 721

vote type 1 349

By not twilight - 05/12/2015 00:47 - United States - Charlotte

Today, it was my first day working at a dog boarding kennel. I got bit... by my coworker. FML

agreeclassic 23 490

vote type 1 1 650

By seriously - 24/05/2013 07:04 - United States

Today, my mom accused my cat of being a "manipulator", and said that we should get rid of him. FML

agreeclassic 38 759

vote type 1 4 577

By rileynautumn - 13/06/2011 19:04 - United States

Today, after a full shift at work, I got home to my boyfriend playing CoD, a full sink, crap all over the table, a full cat box, dirty bathroom, no laundry done and the kids at my parents' house. He yelled at me because the place was a mess. FML

agreeclassic 46 265

vote type 1 9 709

By Kate - 23/12/2012 08:24 - United States - Kansas City

Today, my boyfriend is seriously mad at me for telling his cat what he got it for Christmas. FML

agreeclassic 38 990

vote type 1 8 989

George the Cat

By AnonCat - this FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - Canada - Vegreville

Today, my kitten tried jumping into a hot oven, a dryer, a dishwasher, a toilet, and a fish-tank. Curiosity is going to kill my cat. FML

agreeclassic 37 662

vote type 1 3 791

Keep the peace

By Anonymous - 02/10/2020 18:02 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my girlfriend accidentally put rubbish in the neighbour's bin. Then the old lady took all the rubbish out and threw it on the floor. I came out and tried to calm the situation, but then my girlfriend ran downstairs and tipped her cat food and cat milk bowls over. FML

agreeclassic 766

vote type 1 173

By Lola - 23/07/2012 04:31

Today, my boyfriend bought us three kittens. Today, I also discovered that I am allergic to cats. My boyfriend broke up with me because he wanted the cats more than me. FML

agreeclassic 32 808

vote type 1 4 356

Caturday visitor

By Bored - 27/04/2024 13:00 - United States

Today, I once again came to the realization of how boring my life is when I noticed that the stray cat in my yard walks in a really silly manner, and I watched it for what seemed like an eternity, utterly fascinated, until it left. FML

agreeclassic 308

vote type 1 166

By alii2349 - 11/02/2014 03:16 - Canada - Brandon

Today, I yelled at my boyfriend's cat for staring at me, then cried about it for an hour. Pregnancy life. FML

agreeclassic 48 473

vote type 1 10 048

By Anonymous - 23/09/2012 11:11 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my sister stopped by to visit me with her pet bird in tow. She asked me to hold the animal while she went to the toilet, and put it on my shoulder. It promptly shat on my only clean shirt and tore away a good deal of skin from my hand when I tried to get it off me. FML

agreeclassic 22 384

vote type 1 2 587

By Never Again - 09/08/2016 18:17 - United States - Riverhead

Today, I went to collect my clothes out of the dryer. Thinking it would be fun for my small dog, I brought her with me. I put her down and let her sniff around while I put my clean clothes in a basket. I turned around from putting more clothes in the dyer to catch her peeing in my clean clothes. FML

agreeclassic 12 360

vote type 1 4 310

By catstew - 02/10/2009 01:43 - United States

Today, my mother's beloved cat died and we thought it would be nice to bury it in the back yard. I came home from work and while walking to the door saw that the cat had been dug up and partially eaten by the local raccoons and strays. FML

agreeclassic 34 153

vote type 1 4 452

By somuchforthat - 19/02/2010 07:38 - Australia

Today, I woke up and found a small leg of what used to belong to a spider on the corner of my mouth. FML

agreeclassic 35 716

vote type 1 2 521

Bad doggo

By Anonymous - 12/03/2010 12:01 - United States

Today, my dog managed to get into our cabinet and eat an entire bag of Hershey's Kisses. Now she is puking all over the house and outside too. When I called the vet to tell her about it, she said that it was normal, and to call her back when it was "coming out the other end." FML

agreeclassic 23 479

vote type 1 3 879

Good boy

By Anonymous - 26/10/2014 00:51 - United States - Bloomington

Today, my mother locked me out of the house. Why? The dog and her needed some time to talk. FML

agreeclassic 36 100

vote type 1 2 923

By animallover - 26/06/2011 05:39 - United States

Today, I found out that my beloved guinea pig has impaction. For the rest of his life it will be my duty to clean out his rectum manually every month, or every week/day if it gets worse. FML

agreeclassic 34 598

vote type 1 5 307

RIP Dipper

By Anonymous - 29/02/2024 21:00 - United States - San Jose

Today, I made the mistake of watching The Daily Show clip where Jon Stewart talks about losing his dog, and it made me think of my dog I lost. Then, right on cue, the song "Every Breath You Take" came on. Now I'm waiting for my doctor's office to open and sobbing in the car, with people staring at me. FML

agreeclassic 386

vote type 1 220

By Anonymous - 28/08/2011 11:29 - Australia

Today, I bought a new goldfish. While leaving my fish on my balcony to go get fish food, I hear a loud squawk and splash, I race outside to see a bird flying off with my fish. FML

agreeclassic 16 420

vote type 1 43 050

Anthropomorphism

By Anonymous - 19/07/2024 00:00 - United Kingdom - Southend

Today, I spent hours making an elaborate bird feeder for my backyard. It was finally ready, and I proudly hung it up, imagining the birds chirping happily. Instead, a squirrel discovered it within minutes, devoured all the birdseed, and then gave me a smug look before knocking the feeder to the ground. FML

agreeclassic 415

vote type 1 167

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Keywords

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Today, after nearly 4 years together, my girlfriend told me that not only does she not love me anymore, she was lying about wanting to work things out because it would be "too hard" for her to go back to financing her own life. I'm nothing more than an extra wallet. FML

agreeclassic 550

vote type 1 88

Today, I was going down nostalgia road on Instagram at 2 a.m when I accidentally liked a photo on my ex’s account from seven years ago. I panicked, unliked it, locked my phone, and threw it across the bed like it was possessed. I still haven’t unclenched because I don't know if he'll see it or not. FML

agreeclassic 106

vote type 1 403

Today, my girlfriend and I lost our virginity to each other. Before, I reached over to her computer and put on "Your Body is a Wonderland". Surprisingly, I lasted through the song and didn't realize her iTunes was on random. "Rape Me" by Nirvana came on. I still finished. FML

agreeclassic 30 743

vote type 1 6 673

Today, my wife told me she wanted a divorce and walked out. This is two days after she informed me that she is unexpectedly pregnant. FML

agreeclassic 984

vote type 1 94

Today, I was on a plane heading home from vacation with the family, when went to relieve my bladder and stepped on someone's shit. They seemingly decided the floor was a better then the toilet. I walked all the way back to my seat with shit on my sandal, my sister thought I'd shat myself. FML

agreeclassic 621

vote type 1 205

Today, I saw a beautiful girl on the bus. Struck up a good conversation, walked with her all the way to my office. Forgot to ask her name and number. This is the second time I've done this. FML

agreeclassic 4 170

vote type 1 1 617