Animals

Hey, this is the OP. I have owned rats and mice as pets, but with a wild one you really don't want them running loose around a toddler. As for getting a cat, I have been trying to get a kitten for my son, but our landlord wants a huge deposit. We are buying a humane trap and letting him go somewhere far away. We have temporarily plugged the hole he was using to get in until payday. My husband was jokingly threatening. He is just a big softie sometimes. :) We got a good laugh out of this, before I realized it was a mouse I ran screaming out of the bathroom with my pants around my knees. Glad everyone got a laugh out of this, we did!

By Anonymous - 14/11/2014 02:14 - United States - Kennesaw

Today, I got home and found my wife cuddling with the dog and our new kitten. Both the cat and my wife hissed at me when I tried to join in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 546

You deserved it 4 205

By Doglover - 02/11/2017 14:00

Today, I went jogging. It was cold but I dressed lightly because I overheat when I exercise. Unfortunately, I locked myself out. My wife returned four hours later to find me spooning our dog in the doghouse to keep from freezing to death. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 934

You deserved it 967

Chatty cat

By Anonymous - 15/12/2014 16:07 - Australia

Today, my cat let out the biggest moan I have ever heard, while we were both in the living room. My dad heard and accused me of watching porn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 543

You deserved it 3 238

By Kovu - 27/02/2012 07:08 - Reserved

Today, my dog managed to pull a one-pound package of raw bacon out and eat the entire package including the cardboard. The vets cheered when they finally got him to puke up the entire, unchewed package of bacon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 293

You deserved it 2 938

Kovu_fml tells us more.

Kovu_fml 16

Monday 27 February 2012 20:39

He wasn't in pain. He inhales everything he eats. He as thyroid issues so hes not allowed to eat alot so poor baby is always trying to steal food. :(

Varied diet

By Anonymous - 01/09/2025 12:00 - United States - Sutton

Today, and for the last six months, my mom has been feeding my Huskies human food behind my back. It's not only table scraps, it's ridiculous amounts of food. I've asked her to stop but she doesn't respect me, and I know she only does it to get on my nerves. FML

I agree, your life sucks 404

You deserved it 114

By clutzirella - 07/08/2015 06:32 - United States - Bradenton

Today, I fed my 4ft python a live rat for the first time. He now has a new friend he won't let me near. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 976

You deserved it 6 429

clutzirella tells us more.

clutzirella 17

Saturday 8 August 2015 5:30

the snake is not dead or bitten. I knew what I was doing and the rat is dead and eaten. they were all buddy for a matter of 20 minutes.

It'll be drones these days

By Ace - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - Canada - Toronto

Today, my brother tried to give my dog a walk by attaching an RC helicopter to the leash and following him while flying it. He broke the RC helicopter which cost 300 dollars, and we had to search for the dog for 3 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 598

You deserved it 9 069

Mamma bird

By Gribby - 27/06/2013 23:56 - United States - Branson

Today, I was accused of shooting up drugs at work. I was only feeding a baby bird that was tucked into my arm using a medicine syringe. I've been smuggling it to work because it has to eat every 2 hours or it will starve. Now everyone there thinks I'm a hardcore dope fiend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 616

You deserved it 8 812

Go get it

By Anonymous - 22/01/2025 03:00 - United States - Burlington

Today, I was excited to teach my new puppy how to fetch. I threw the stick, and he just stared at it, then stared back at me with his tongue lolling out, as if to say, "You threw it. You go get it." I’ve now spent the past 30 minutes fetching my own stick, hoping he'd join in. Nope. FML

I agree, your life sucks 145

You deserved it 341

By KittenTime - 26/05/2011 21:03 - United Kingdom

Today, I witnessed the miracle of life. More specifically, my cat giving birth on my bed at four in the morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 113

You deserved it 7 558

Get out!

By birdhater - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - Australia

Today, the bird that has been stuck in my roof for two days, keeping me awake at night, finally flew out of the roof and into the house. As I was opening the door to send it outside, it flew straight back up into the roof. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 207

You deserved it 2 751

Clumsy nitwit

By Anonymous - 04/05/2018 01:30

Today, while dropping files off at my boss's house, I tripped and fell into his fish tank. We both watched as a crack spread all the way across the glass and shattered, covering his carpet in fish and water. His only words to me were, "I'll see you at work tomorrow. Maybe." FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 472

You deserved it 635

By nottrustworthy - 18/11/2010 06:44 - United States

Today, my wife of seven years told me that she doesn't trust me with dog-sitting her dog while she leaves to spend Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's with her family. She ended up calling someone she "trusts" to take care of her dog while I spend the holidays by myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 501

You deserved it 4 593

Welcome home!

By inthesticks - 19/11/2016 06:21 - United States - Orlando

Today, I was cleaning off my couch so my nephew could crash here for a few nights. It's been so long since we've sat on it that it is now inhabited by rats we didn't know were in the house, including newly-born ones. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 624

You deserved it 6 573

By nopenopenopenope - 23/09/2016 03:28 - United States - Winston Salem

Today, I tried to have a relaxing soak in the tub. The giant wolf spider that was already in the tub didn't like me trying to set it free outside. It ran right across my feet and back into my house when I dumped it out of a cup outside. I screamed like a little girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 698

You deserved it 2 481

Goddamn mayo

By Jay703 - 03/08/2016 02:21 - United States - Woodbridge

Today, while taking out a jar of mayonnaise, it slipped from my hand, landing on its lid, exploding, and covering both of my dogs from head to tail in it. Terrified, they fled, leaving a trail of globs of mayo. After cleaning both dogs and the house, they both threw up from eating too much mayonnaise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 621

You deserved it 1 318

Oh dear…

By Wet Britches - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States - Portland

Today, on my rush to get home from work to use the bathroom, I hit a deer. It startled me so badly that I wet myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 055

You deserved it 1 747

How could you?

By Anonymous - 15/02/2023 06:00 - Estonia

Today, despite me not liking cats, which my wife knew, she got a cat anyway. Her cat went for a walk outside and was hit by a car. I rushed outside to help the cat but found she was already dead, and the culprit had driven away. When my wife found out that her cat was dead, she thought I'd killed her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 237

You deserved it 158

Naughty boy

By Anonymous - 19/08/2010 17:36 - United States

Today, seconds after my mom put my Yorkie onto my bed, he threw up. His head was not fully over the bed itself, so the wet chunks fell straight into my backpack onto my new school books. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 399

You deserved it 3 593

Nasty

By What an asshole - 14/01/2025 03:00 - United States

Today, as I crawled into bed and hid under my blanket, I was hit with a very strong and familiar smell. The smell of piss. My cat had peed all over my only blanket. Guess I'll sleep under the mattress. FML

I agree, your life sucks 369

You deserved it 160

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Today, my current boyfriend was so impressed by my blowjob abilities he sent my ex-boyfriend a message saying thanks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 096

You deserved it 6 445

Today, my girlfriend told me she was over her addiction and wished to quit cold turkey. I cancelled all my plans to stay home and support her. She didn't mean her tobacco addiction, no no. Her corn chip addiction. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 410

You deserved it 2 886

Today, my mother tried to tell me that nicotine is the only substance that ensures weight loss, and that nicotine has been passed down in our family for over 5 generations of heavy smoking relatives. Then she encouraged me to start smoking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 212

You deserved it 3 612

Today, while I was driving my 27 year old boyfriend 8 hours to a Pokémon event, he realized he didn't bring his DS with him. He cried about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 258

You deserved it 20 979

Today, I had dinner with my family in celebration of my 19th Birthday. I've been hinting that I need a new laptop for months now and I was sure my family had bought me one. I have got a pair of slipper socks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 085

You deserved it 9 754

Today, the woman I am absolutely in love with will only be my friend. I wish I could get her to understand how much it hurts to see her with boyfriends, and only be friends. I'm starting to feel like I can't maintain this friendship because it hurts so much. I don't know what to do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 154

You deserved it 838