Animals

Little cutie

By Anonymous - 06/09/2023 22:00 - Germany

Today, I recommend that you think twice about whether you want your little cutie playing with your apron strings while you cook. Especially if your little cutie is of the kind equipped with claws. FML

I agree, your life sucks 216

You deserved it 567

Freedom!

By Anonymous - 27/08/2024 20:00 - United States

Today, I was showing off my new pet bird to my friends over video chat. I opened the cage to demonstrate how friendly he was. Instead of perching on my finger like usual, he flew out the window. I spent the next hour chasing him around the neighborhood in my pajamas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 131

You deserved it 537

Come down

By Anonymous - 20/01/2015 20:24 - United States - Baton Rouge

Today, I spent a half hour trying to help my cat down after he got stuck in the tree on my lawn. I finally gave up and called a local tree care company to help. When I returned outside, I found my cat casually walking about by the door. The guy who showed up to help was not happy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 899

You deserved it 5 525

By audreyav - 30/06/2012 08:10 - United States - Dallas

Today, I discovered my cat's favorite hobby: sitting butthole-first on my favorite makeup brush. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 758

You deserved it 3 481

By Chris Chandler - 04/11/2018 15:30

Today, my cat peed on the kitchen floor. As I went to get the mop, I slipped on the puddle not once, not twice, but three times. In quick succession. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 393

You deserved it 687

Hush!

By spaz - 14/03/2011 01:49 - United States

Today, my dog started barking very aggressively. Thinking she'd started another gruesome fight with my older dog, I jumped up from the couch, spilling my coffee all over my laptop and dress, and knocked over a vase my grandmother gave me. She was barking at her own shadow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 934

You deserved it 13 726

By Gilly - 19/05/2017 18:00

Today, my kid felt bad that our cat didn't get an Easter egg hunt at Easter so he has hidden sardines around the house for her to find. The house reeks and I don't know how many are left to find. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 926

You deserved it 569

By 4am blues - 13/07/2015 04:39 - United States - Lehigh Acres

Today, my cat thought it was appropriate to bring a bird into the house at 4 a.m.; the bird thought it was appropriate to attack my mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 352

You deserved it 2 569

Wailing

By katchoo - 03/11/2013 07:34 - Denmark

Today, I had a panic attack when a huge spider ran over my hand. I screamed, wailed, and killed it with a shoe while shouting. Ten minutes later, police slammed on my door. My neighbor called them, saying it sounded like someone was being murdered. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 615

You deserved it 8 506

By Hreid254 - 05/02/2016 16:07 - United States - Temple

Today, my dogs somehow pulled the water spigot off the wall in my backyard. I now have my own private lake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 047

You deserved it 1 721

By hellostupid - 28/03/2013 08:19 - United States

Today, I had to convince my 20-year-old boyfriend that not only is his aquatic turtle a reptile, but that it's also cold-blooded and thus can't regulate its own temperature just by going into its shell. He still thinks I'm the stupid one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 996

You deserved it 4 817

Never let your guard down

By Nanana32 - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Hudson

Today, I fell asleep on the beach while tanning. I was woken up by the flock of seagulls eating the bread from my stomach. Why was bread on my stomach? Because my little brother knows birds are my biggest fear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 355

You deserved it 6 204

Traditional

By Anonymous - 08/01/2022 02:01

Today, while I was at work, my dumbass husband gave his dead rabbit a Viking funeral by sending it down the river behind our house in a crate he set on fire. It got stuck on a tree, which caught on fire, along with the field and the warehouse next to the field. The police think he did it on purpose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 651

You deserved it 179

Get back

By Rebeccs - 14/08/2022 20:00 - Canada

Today, my cat escaped through my front door. It was dark out, so I had no idea where I was going. I finally caught up to him in my neighbour’s lawn and I gave him heck for scaring me. It took me a minute to realize I was actually talking to a bush in their flowerbed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 677

You deserved it 350

It's all about control

By Anonymous - 19/07/2024 06:00 - United States - Augusta

Today, my parents said they were cutting me off for saving a kitten's life and wanting to keep it. I am 40 years-old and don't get any money from them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 564

You deserved it 67

Watch out for them slappers

By Anonymous - 30/03/2021 14:01

Today, my medium-sized poxer dog was sitting on my lap. He shook his head, managing to slap me in the face with his ears three times. FML

I agree, your life sucks 631

You deserved it 296

By killjoyx - 23/07/2015 18:28 - United States - Suffolk

Today, when I woke up, my dog excitedly came up to me and licked my face. A few minutes later, I find out he had thrown up twice before he licked my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 828

You deserved it 3 198

I can't get no sleep

By wishingIwassingle - 15/01/2023 15:00 - United Kingdom - Leicester

Today, after weeks of being up nights to hand feed nine puppies, I, an insomniac, finally got to sleep during the day, which isn't easy for me, only to be woken by my partner asking me a stupid question that was unimportant, then made to feel like a jerk for being angry. I'm now stuck awake, pissed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 835

You deserved it 209

SHUT UP

By Rasta Pickles - 03/02/2023 05:00 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, my wife has imposed two Bengal cats on my existence. Bengal cats howl, very loudly, during the night. My wife can sleep through a nuclear war. I will not get a decent night's sleep for the next twelve to fifteen years of my life. Prisoners of war being tortured endured less. FML

I agree, your life sucks 754

You deserved it 307

By Anonymous - 28/03/2011 18:52 - Macedonia

Today, my boyfriend tried to cure me of my snake phobia by buying one. When he took it out of the cage, it bit him. Now he's terrified of them too. Even worse, he dropped the snake, so it's now loose in our house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 813

You deserved it 6 886

Heftychonk

By Wha happen? - 11/07/2024 23:00 - United States

Today, my cat went from a badass huntress to the tuxedo equivalent of Garfield in just four years. She's only 6. I don't overfeed her and try very hard to keep her active. I have no idea why she got so fat and lazy. I do know that dealing with bugs by myself is something I can't afford to do adequately right now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 296

You deserved it 182

It's Cat-Dog!

By Deceptive Dog 1242 - 23/08/2018 14:30 - United States

Today, I pulled something out of my tiny six month-old puppy's mouth, thinking it was a cord that he had gotten ahold of. As it turns out, it was a baby mouse he had caught and killed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 436

You deserved it 288

RIP to a real one

By ohnooooo - 28/06/2025 22:00 - Luxembourg

Today, it's the 11th anniversary of my dog's adoption, who died a few months ago. I miss her and can’t stop crying. I’m very sick and don’t know if I’ll ever be fit to have a dog again. Loneliness sucks big time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 516

You deserved it 123

By Kate - 10/11/2010 07:58 - United States

Today, I ran into a police officer while on my bike. It wouldn't be so bad, had he not been riding a massive horse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 083

You deserved it 9 306

thatgirlinoregon tells us more.

thatgirlinoregon 21

Thursday 11 November 2010 7:02

It was fine, I was on a bicycle. It was bad because the horse was massive, and I didn't see it until I couldn't stop in time. The cop laughed.

Long day

By Heww - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, after working an 11 hour shift, I decided to treat myself to a delicious Krispy Kreme doughnut. When I got home, I sat down, put my feet up, poured myself a cold glass of milk. My dog jumped on my lap and vomited all over my doughnuts, stared at me, then bit the doughnut out of my hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 772

You deserved it 5 467

Fright Night

By mzgabbster - 24/10/2010 12:21 - United States

Today, I was having the most wonderful bath. The water was steaming, the bubbles were bubbly, and I was reading a really good book. I put my book down to yawn and looked to my right. My gaze was met by the lovely face of my brother's pet tarantula. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 216

You deserved it 3 380

Shut up

By SoundConfuser - 13/10/2010 11:58 - Australia

Today, after spending the three previous nights cursing the noisiest bird alive that continually disrupts my sleep to the point where I just want to smash the damn thing's head in with a rock, I realised it's been my pedestal fan the entire time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 465

You deserved it 32 277

By Dv0829 - 21/10/2011 05:42 - United States

Today, I went to the store with my girlfriend. She needed to use the bathroom so I started looking at the books. It wasn't until the manager shot me a weird look that I realized I'd wandered down too far and was looking at bridal magazines, holding tampons, dog treats, and hair spray. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 254

You deserved it 4 835

By scars - 16/12/2014 15:01 - United States - Edwardsville

Today, my parents decided to "discipline" my kitten by spraying her with water. This somehow managed to completely un-train her, and now she's back to being the compulsive biter she was when I first brought her home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 890

You deserved it 3 671

By Annie - 22/11/2009 22:07 - Mexico

Today, I noticed that my dog was feeling sad. I let him hop on my bed with me to make him feel better. It worked, right after he vomited all over my face and pillow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 686

You deserved it 6 035

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The Top

Today, in the "end-of-the-world" spirit, I asked my boyfriend to marry me. His response was, "It's really windy out." FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 035

You deserved it 29 337

Today, my boss told me, and only me, to leave work before I was done because I'm a minor and he can't have me sticking around at work as long as I do. I'm not a minor. My coworkers are. FML

I agree, your life sucks 777

You deserved it 109

Today, I went to work feeling great. I'd just paid off my student loans and was planning a trip to see friends in Italy. I left work unemployed because a fraud case I exposed 3 years ago got the company sued for slander. It was thrown out because everything was fact. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 815

You deserved it 375

Today, I have a gigantic zit inside my left nostril. Good news: no one can see it and no need for makeup on it. Bad news: my nose really itches, and I constantly feel like I'm about to sneeze it out like a foreign object. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 704

You deserved it 445

Today, my apartment complex added $250 to the $1,000 my roomate and I already owe because of an unauthorized pet and complaints from neighbors that our dog barks all night long. We don't have a dog, we don't even have a pet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 951

You deserved it 2 527

Today, I’m learning to drive and finally felt confident enough to park in a tight spot with my instructor watching. I nailed the angle perfectly, but when I tried to get out, I realized I'd parked so close to the line that I couldn’t open the door. I had to climb out of the passenger side while my instructor pretended not to laugh. FML

I agree, your life sucks 282

You deserved it 111