Animals

By QWERTY - 03/04/2011 23:20

Today, my roommate thought it would be a good idea to show me his huge new tarantula despite knowing that I have extremely severe arachnophobia. I ended up killing it with a book and apparently now owe him $500. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 212

You deserved it 18 273

By The_Waffle - 14/05/2016 17:17 - United States - Cleveland

Today, my dog ran away. Luckily my neighbors caught him before he got too far. Now they won't give him back because they think I did something to him to make him want to run away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 609

You deserved it 922

Help!

By notwasted39 - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was walking to my mailbox when I fell down and couldn't get up. My neighbor walked by with his dog, took one look at me struggling, said, "What is wrong with kids these days, drunk at 9 a.m.?" and continued on. I couldn't get up because I'm still healing from a stress fracture in my hip. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 456

You deserved it 3 179

By xtammyle - 19/02/2013 07:01 - Australia - Lower Plenty

Today, I walked in on my dad straightening my dog's fur. His excuse? The dog needed to feel pretty. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 613

You deserved it 4 514

How dare you

By pissed off - 01/07/2012 01:00

Today, my husband staggered home after a night of drinking. He was too intoxicated to find the toilet so he started to pee in the cat's litter box. Apparently, he was invading her territory and she attacked him. His scream as she bit and scratched him must have woken the whole world. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 527

You deserved it 2 638

By smellsofeggs - 26/11/2009 21:13 - United Kingdom

Today, I was having a playful fight with my brother. I made the point that our dog likes me better than him. To this, my dog jumped onto the sofa, turned to me and vomited on my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 089

You deserved it 8 518

Karen has concerns

By go away karen! - 29/01/2023 14:00 - United States

Today, I had to call the cops on my batshit crazy neighbor, who’s repeatedly threatened to steal my dog. I finally got her ass on camera. She swears that my dog is being abused because it prefers to sleep outside instead of being in the house. Imagine that, an animal that likes being outside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 937

You deserved it 148

By Ear Invasion - 26/01/2013 05:53 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, I made a new friend: the cricket the doctor pulled out of my ear canal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 398

You deserved it 3 460

Bad kitty

By Anonymous - 21/04/2025 08:00 - United States - Taylor

Today, after coming home with a delicious chocolate cake that I bought for Easter for my family, I realized my mom's cat was chewing on the end of my cellphone charging cord that I left on the floor in a rush to head out the door. I'd only just bought the cord yesterday and the cat chewed on it so hard, the plug's bent. FML

I agree, your life sucks 194

You deserved it 318

Never forget

By OhhhNooo - 14/03/2010 23:23 - United States

Today, my Dad told me that I was named after the dog he accidentally shot in the head as a teenager. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 898

You deserved it 2 445

By audreyav - 30/06/2012 08:10 - United States - Dallas

Today, I discovered my cat's favorite hobby: sitting butthole-first on my favorite makeup brush. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 763

You deserved it 3 481

Who run the world? Cats!

By tease_ftx - 31/08/2017 13:00

Today, as I was laying down to sleep, I grabbed my covers and realized the cat pissed on them and on my body pillow. Now I'm up at 1 a.m. doing laundry so I can have clean bedding and my kids are awake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 219

You deserved it 447

By izu - 16/09/2011 05:40 - United States

Today, my mom decided to only speak to me through our pet cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 227

You deserved it 2 760

By liilii - 30/08/2014 16:40 - India - Trivandrum

Today, I woke up to the sight of a dead fly on my bedside table, being eaten by a swarm of ants. I screamed so bad that my dad said he thought my sister was being murdered in my room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 715

You deserved it 6 715

By aXel - 13/10/2008 08:29

Today, my dog was watching me and started to have a hard-on, for half an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 752

You deserved it 8 332

You're welcome…

By craphanded - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom

Today, I saved a bird from being run over as it lay in the middle of the road. Thinking it had a broken wing or something, I started carrying it home, intending to take it to the vet later. It crapped in my hand and flew away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 083

You deserved it 9 321

By Anonymous - 04/08/2016 21:25

Today, I made myself a snack. I took a seemingly clean plate from the sink which had been used earlier for scrambled eggs. Only after I'd made the snack did I remember I let my dog lick the plate clean. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 001

You deserved it 15 636

By tracie - 22/09/2010 00:00 - United States

Today, I took my dogs to an empty park. While they were running around, I laid down in the grass to read a book. Someone thought I was a dead body and called the cops. The police and paramedics showed up. This is the second time it's happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 660

You deserved it 5 028

By Caqtusmonkey - 25/08/2016 15:28 - United States - Arlington

Today, I heard my dog chewing on something. I called her over, held out my hand, and told her to drop it. She dropped it into my hand, and I was proud of her. That was until I realized it was cat poop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 801

You deserved it 1 818

By Anonymous - 14/09/2010 23:41 - United States

Today, I was chopping weeds with a weed whacker. I heard something get caught in the blades, and realized it was a frog when the leg hit me in the eye. The rest of the chopped frog ended up on my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 257

You deserved it 5 514

By Anonymous - 10/10/2010 04:29 - United States

Today, I swerved to miss hitting a kitten, over-corrected, hit and killed the cat, and totaled my truck by hitting a parked car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 517

You deserved it 13 908

Snoopy

By Anonymous - 26/03/2013 00:28 - United Kingdom - London

Today, whilst texting my boyfriend on the train, I noticed the woman sitting next to me staring intently at my phone. After letting my boyfriend know, he sent a message saying, "Are we gonna involve the dog again? Last night was fun." She gasped and screamed that I'm a "twisted dog-humping bitch." FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 627

You deserved it 7 324

Nice friend you've got there

By DebbyDowner - 06/01/2023 12:00

Today, my best friend decided to get herself a new puppy. My dog passed away last week. She named it the same name and got the same breed as mine was. She sees nothing wrong and can’t understand why I’m upset. In fact, she tells me to “stop being a Debbie Downer.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 132

You deserved it 1 282

By RachelDC - 03/07/2009 19:06 - United States

Today, I noticed a string was following behind our family cat. After close inspection I realized it was a plastic kite string he partially digested. I had to pull the other three feet of plastic kite tail from his rectum. He purred the entire time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 75 194

You deserved it 5 665

By usafprog - 27/07/2009 20:08 - United States

Today, while spray painting a rocking horse for my kids I left the can outside in the sun. When I picked it up it was hot to the touch and I dropped it. It exploded on impact and now I am more blue than the rocking horse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 609

You deserved it 22 138

My one true friend

By When all else fails, talk to the kitty - 21/05/2024 22:00 - United States

Today, I realized my cat responds to and interacts with me when I talk to her more than my own parents do when I talk to them. Actually, that statement applies to pretty much everyone I know. FML

I agree, your life sucks 399

You deserved it 106

Oi! Get back here!

By Anonymous - 26/10/2024 15:00 - United Kingdom - Blackpool

Today, while having lunch on a pier, I tried to take an artsy photo of my food for Instagram. Just as I was about to snap the pic, a seagull swooped in and snatched my chips right out of the paper bag in my hand. I didn't even get a photo of the robbery. FML

I agree, your life sucks 119

You deserved it 634

Stuart?

By Tea_baggins - 06/08/2013 04:01 - Australia - Rozelle

Today, I woke up at 6 a.m. and went into the kitchen, where I saw a mouse in front of the fridge. Petrified, I stood in the doorway shooing it for a few minutes. My husband then walked into the kitchen, picked up the "mouse", and threw it in the bin. It was a used tea bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 370

You deserved it 19 802

By ouch - 17/09/2011 23:42 - United States

Today, our electric horse fence broke. I turned it off so I could fix it. As I was grabbing the fence, my brother thought it would be hilarious to turn the fence back on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 200

You deserved it 3 452

Nature ain't all that great

By Beaten by deer - 18/04/2026 12:00 - United States

Today, an adorable deer got into the yard, so I went to pet it. It jumped on its back legs and started flailing its front legs around, kicking the crap out of me until I curled into a ball crying. I'm so bruised, I can barely sit down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 86

You deserved it 1 094

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Keywords

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The Top

Today, I had a blind date with a really cute guy. Just when I was about to invite him back to my place for a nightcap, he took out a catalog of Russian mail-order brides and asked for my help in picking out the best one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 036

You deserved it 3 453

Today, at lunch, a fly was buzzing around my food. I managed to kill the fly in my napkin in midair. I continued my lunch, pleased with my amazing ninja skills. When I was done with my lunch, I wiped my mouth with the napkin. I can still taste bug guts. Karma. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 248

You deserved it 36 970

Today, I was really, REALLY tired at work. I went to the restroom to take a little break, and must have dozed off, because I was awoken by my boss, knocking on the door of the stall. Apparently, I had been snoring. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 708

You deserved it 32 948

Today, my socks are labeled "100% wool". If you looked at them, though, you'd have to admit that the correct label, after being used for months, would have to read something like, "50% wool, 30% dog hair, 20% cat hair." FML

I agree, your life sucks 338

You deserved it 671

Today, I was told to kill myself. Why? Because I DARED to put on deodorant when it’s cold outside. Apparently, you’re only supposed to need it when it’s hot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 432

You deserved it 57

Today, I was making small talk with a passenger in my taxi. He was heading to a job interview, so I tried to encourage him by saying, “Don’t worry, even if you mess up, there are plenty of other companies.” He paused then said, “I’m actually interviewing to save the company I already work for.” We spent the rest of the drive in silence. FML

I agree, your life sucks 287

You deserved it 107