Animals

OP here. Just to clarify...I have a little 7 lb dog & the groomer was holding her. I reached to take her & the groomer turned sideways which is how my hand brushed her boob. And of course I apologized!!!! I'm a woman by the way so it wasn't a man on woman grope or anything --- still awkward and embarrassing. I love this groomer though so I will probably suck up the awkwardness and be more careful next time!!! :-)

By birdguts - 31/01/2011 02:34 - United Kingdom

Today, after 2 years together, my boyfriend finally proposed. I excitedly said yes. Just as we began to kiss, my half crazed cat ran in, dropped a half eaten bird at our feet, and promptly threw up on the carpet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 013

You deserved it 5 267

Tasty

By spiderlady - 21/09/2015 03:00 - United States

Today, I walked face first into a near-invisible spiderweb. There's nothing worse than the feeling of a spider web wrapped around your face. Except maybe the feeling of the spider that saw my screaming mouth as a good hiding spot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 039

You deserved it 2 199

Soggy mess

By Anonymous - 30/08/2024 09:00 - United States

Today, I managed to wash my phone with my laundry. I didn’t realize it was in my jeans until I heard a thudding noise. After rescuing it from the depths of soggy clothes, I tried the rice trick to dry it out. A few hours later, my cat thought it was a new litter tray and promptly pissed in the rice, then spread it all over the counter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 410

You deserved it 236

By panda - 03/03/2011 11:20

Today, the dog went nuts at 3am. I searched the yard with a spotlight and machete. Nothing. He may actually just be an asshole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 273

You deserved it 6 292

By CoalRose - 11/07/2015 07:56 - United States

Today, I got a nose piercing. I was asleep at the time in my backyard, and the piercer was a snake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 719

You deserved it 2 977

CoalRose tells us more.

CoalRose 16

Sunday 12 July 2015 20:21

Hey guys! OP here. Wasn't expecting this to post, so this was a pleasant surprise! Just made an account to give the follow up. :) The weather was really nice so I had decided to go out in the back to read and get some sun. Somewhere between reading and laying down I fell asleep. I'm not sure what really happened, but I'm assuming I startled it with a snore or batted at it in my sleep, because the next think I knew I woke up with searing pain in my nose and staring face to face with a snake. I'm fine, luckily, as the snake was just your household garden/garter snake! Unfortunately the piercing, bite, whatever you would like to call it is too off center to wear. :( But yeah! All your comments & puns have been his hilarious so far.

By EpicJman2828 - 27/06/2013 04:27 - United States

Today, my cousin thought it would be cool to put a firecracker in an abandoned birdhouse. Before I could tell him not to, it exploded and about 30 wasps came after me like the wrath of God. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 157

You deserved it 5 143

EpicJman2828 tells us more.

EpicJman2828 11

Friday 28 June 2013 0:33

OP here. Im so shocked I got posted. Just like to say my cousin was gone when it exploded and I was stung about 9 times. Overall it was very exciting being able to go outside and know something wanted your freaking soul. Those suckers will Hunt you down and rape your body with their asses

Dead zone

By The Corner Of Death - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Spring

Today, my dog died. In the same kitchen corner that two of my other dogs have died. I have a "Corner Of Death" in my kitchen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 252

You deserved it 143

By andrea99 - 03/10/2010 09:35 - United States

Today, I spent an hour and a half washing my car. As I was driving down the highway, a large bird flew over my car and accidentally dropped the dead animal he was about to have for dinner. It landed on my windshield. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 687

You deserved it 3 419

By dcort - 08/04/2012 16:39 - United States - New York

Today, while I was getting out of the shower, I saw a spider climb into the ceiling vent. Wanting it to come out so I could kill it, I turned on the fan. It came out, along with a dozen of its friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 493

You deserved it 7 219

dcort tells us more.

dcort 4

Monday 9 April 2012 19:08

Yes, but it wasn't strong enough to suck the spiders in, so instead they all got scared and ran out....

By roachblend - 12/09/2010 08:00 - Taiwan

Today, I got out our electric fan because it was very hot. A cockroach crawled up behind the frame on the fan and fell into the gap of the frame. It got itself killed by the rotating fan, and had its blended flesh sent flying all over my white polo shirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 699

You deserved it 4 150

Adding insult to injury

By Shibs - 13/10/2015 16:55 - Australia - Hurstville

Today, I was riding my bike along a road and a deer jumped out from the tree line, knocking me to the ground and breaking my arm. Someone pulled over to see if I was alright, running over my bike in the process. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 436

You deserved it 1 792

By ByeByeBirdie - 29/06/2016 22:41 - United States - Montgomery

Today, I'd had enough of the annoying bird constantly singing in the shrillest bird voice possible outside of my window, so I chased it around the yard, shooing it away, as my cat sat there and watched. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 762

You deserved it 1 825

By Ew. - 09/04/2012 15:22 - United Kingdom

Today, after being filled with joy after seeing my very elderly cat finally enjoying the sun in my garden, I skipped over to give her a hug. Turns out she was taking a shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 916

You deserved it 9 248

By Halloweenie - 16/10/2009 08:44 - United States

Today, I took a box of Halloween decorations down from the attic. Inside, were a bunch of fake spiders. I emptied the box onto the floor and the "fake" spiders crawled all over the living room in opposite directions. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 176

You deserved it 5 462

By nightfall8705 - 18/08/2017 01:30 - United States - Walhalla

Today, I had to make my boss believe that I was late to work because my sick dog shit all over my bedsheets and I had to clean up the mess before work. The truth is, I don't have a dog, and I wrongly trusted a long fart this morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 384

You deserved it 1 170

By Entheatus - 10/08/2009 04:25 - Canada

Today, I polished off the delicious iced gingerbread cookies in the pantry. I'd assumed the little flecks on them were speckles of broken icing, but as I went to throw the cookie bag away, a larva crawled out. The hundreds of flecks were moth eggs. I've been eating the cookies for three days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 568

You deserved it 22 056

Polly wants it

By Kelly - 23/07/2020 02:01

Today, at work, I booked a vet appointment for an African Gray to get a birth control implant. I didn’t even know that was a thing and I definitely never thought that a parrot would have a more active sex life than me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 487

You deserved it 187

By roadie42 - 25/05/2015 03:15 - United States - Farmington

Today, my dog was knocked unconscious. I had to race him to the vet and pay a small fortune for x-rays and shots. All because he ran into the kitchen at full speed and smashed headfirst into the refrigerator after hearing me open a bag of turkey. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 001

You deserved it 3 105

roadie42 tells us more.

roadie42 21

Monday 25 May 2015 17:49

Hey, OP here! The vet was worried that he might have a concussion, so they gave him shots to prevent/reduce any swelling. I think he also received a sedative for the x-ray. Anyway, he's doing just fine now...back to his normal happy self. And he got some turkey in the end for his trouble :)

By a very unlucky dude. - 18/06/2014 06:37 - Canada - Surrey

Today, I learned the valuable lesson that taking care of a baby crow isn't the best idea. He finally can fly away, but sits on my porch all day cawing for food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 212

You deserved it 13 419