Today, I heard my asshole neighbor had died of a stroke. I was outside and said, "Well it's about goddamn time!" I turned around to see his wife walking her dog and staring deep into my soul. FML

by Anonymous / 01/10/2011 at 3:25am / United States (Connecticut) / Animals

ctlnaaia71's comment : you r a f*cking asshole.

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Today, trying to be cute, my boyfriend threw a snowball at me. This would have been fine had it not been hard enough to break my glasses. As a college student, I have to choose between eating for the next two weeks or replacing them. FML

by Anonymous / 01/10/2011 at 2:09am / United States (Michigan) / Health

Today, I was working in a restaurant. I stopped to pick up some silverware a customer dropped. Apparently my belt wasn't tight enough because a woman behind me immediately hurled in disgust. On top of being found revolting, I'm now in trouble for "flashing" someone. FML

by Anonymous / 01/10/2011 at 1:45am / United States / Work

Today, I asked my parents if I had a college fund because I will be going to university in two years. They laughed. FML

by Anonymous / 01/10/2011 at 12:38am / Money

Today, I fed my cats their usual dinner of canned cat food. Without thinking, I put the spoon I had used for their food into my mouth so I could use both hands to rinse the can before recycling it. FML

by Anonymous / 01/09/2011 at 10:18pm / United States (New Hampshire) / Animals

Today, I had a panic attack because my boyfriend thought it would be sexy to choke me in the middle of sex. FML

by Anonymous / 01/09/2011 at 10:03pm / United States (New York) / Intimacy

Today, I was at my boyfriends house, in the bathroom. I noticed a pregnancy test in the trash can. He lives alone. FML

by Anonymous / 01/09/2011 at 9:35pm / United States (Louisiana) / Health

Today, I got a call from Red Cross about the blood donation I gave last week. They informed me that I have Hepatitis C. FML

by Anonymous / 01/09/2011 at 7:29pm / Serbia / Health

Today, I walked in on my roommate flat-ironing his pubic hair. FML

by curlyisnogood / 01/09/2011 at 7:19pm / Health

Today, my boyfriend tried to serenade me with The Sex is Good by Saving Abel. According to him, "I have to fake it, I'd leave if I could. I'm not in love, but the sex is good." FML

by Anonymous / 01/09/2011 at 3:17pm / United States (Ohio) / Intimacy

Today, I woke up early to go to church with my parents. When I got in the car, I was struck with the worst diarrhea I've ever had in my life. My parents told me I'd be cleaning the car out when we got there, because if we turned around, we'd be late. FML

by Anonymous / 01/09/2011 at 2:08pm / United States (California) / Health

Today, I had to explain to my friend why it's inappropriate to conduct a phone conversation while simultaneously eating a bagel, listening to music, and taking a shit. FML

by Anonymous / 01/09/2011 at 1:47pm / United Kingdom (Surrey) / Miscellaneous

Today, it's been a full week since my last orthodontist appointment and I still can't eat anything besides Slimfast and pudding. FML

by Anonymous / 01/09/2011 at 1:25pm / United States (Ohio) / Health