By lilou - France

Stuck

Today, at 7 a.m., I ended up outside in a nightdress, barefoot and in the rain. I've just found out that my two-year-old son now knows how to close the patio door, which of course, has no outside door handle. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24654

You deserved it

3865

Favorite

Kids

DINOSAURS!!

Great boyfriend

F*** my overweight life

By No2ndDate - United States - Mount Pleasant

Owl be there for you

Today, I went on a date to an owl sanctuary. Today is also the day I discovered my all-encompassing fear of owls, as I cried and pissed myself in front of my date and 15 other visitors. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7874

You deserved it

1521

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my eight-year-old son thought that if he swallowed soap, his farts would smell like soap. The smell of vomit and diarrhea now permeating my house is proof of how wrong he was. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28169

You deserved it

2710

Favorite

By Uhohwemadeamistake

Today, my new neighbor broke into our new house because his key didn't work. We just closed on the house this week and changed the locks when foot prints were found in the bathtub after the cleaning crew went through. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3541

You deserved it

197

Favorite

By idislikeblanks - United States - Lathrop

Today, my 5-year-old nephew had the most amazing idea: to play a game with my keys. He took out all ten keys individually and hid them around the house. So far it's been two hours and I haven't found a single one. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35766

You deserved it

4094

Favorite

By Eagle - United States

Today, my mother urged me to "get over this lesbian thing and give me some grandkids." In front of my girlfriend of eleven months. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42880

You deserved it

13086

Favorite

By jumpy - United States

Today, I put cucumber slices on my eyes to help me relax. I found this very calming till I woke up to ants trying to eat my eyes out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30529

You deserved it

6525

Favorite

By And I'm still single - United States - Mission Viejo

Today, I found out that my picture from a dating profile was so "hilarious" that people have been posting it on Instagram with mean captions. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42408

You deserved it

6019

Favorite

By Hoggiebear - United States

Today, my friends learned that if you play "connect the dots" with the pimples on my back the resulting picture is a large penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35291

You deserved it

5349

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, while I was in the break room at work, one of my coworkers walked in on me playing with my animal crackers, complete with animal noises. Now, the entire department won't stop teasing me and calling me Tarzan. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14660

You deserved it

36685

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Mio

Today, I woke up in the hospital after my sister saved me from "hanging" myself. In reality, my sister choked me because I ate her last chicken nugget. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15499

You deserved it

1408

Favorite

By Emyka - Austria

Today, at my job of 2 months, I'd taken it upon myself to water the plants around the office every day since they all looked a little sad. My boss then asked why so many of the fake plants were getting mouldy. My co-workers had watched me water plastic plants for 2 months and nobody bothered to tell me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12253

You deserved it

6609

Favorite

By verno02 - Canada

Sexy catboys rule my life

Today, I was having it off with my boyfriend. He's the kind of guy that likes to keep things interesting. Just as he started climaxing, he began to meow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35944

You deserved it

8760

Favorite

By disboydanielx

Today, I went to school without knowing that all my math books had been peed on by my cousin's cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2490

You deserved it

211

Favorite

By nothowscienceworks - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had the mother of a five year old come in for parent teacher conferences. When I told her that her son was very smart, but he often made up fantastical stories about his home life, she burst into tears. She then ran out of my office crying, "I knew it! I knew he was a sociopath!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

25813

You deserved it

1716

Favorite

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Ipswich

Today, my boyfriend gave me a teddy bear. I thought it was a sweet thing to do, until I saw him open a slit in its back while visiting later in the day and removing a bag of weed. He gave me a teddy bear just so he could smuggle drugs past my parents. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49278

You deserved it

6661

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I worked a full day and then went to a three-hour class. I got home at 9 PM, and before the door closed I heard, "There's a sink full of dishes for you." There are three able-bodied men in the house, all of whom got here hours ago and created that sink full of dishes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33766

You deserved it

4701

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was going to the bathroom at my boyfriend's house. I had awful diarrhea and was almost done, when I noticed a spider on the ground. Being terrified, I took a giant ball of toilet paper to kill it. I realized then that I had no toilet paper left to use. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11677

You deserved it

34994

Favorite

By WhereIsIt? - 25/9/2020 22:01 - Australia - North Lakes

Frustration

Today, I came home from a nine-hour shift and all I want is to sit down with a glass of Baileys. I can't find the key to the liquor cabinet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

848

You deserved it

382

Favorite

By kippis05 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were waiting for the bus. The weather had been cold and snowy recently, and I realized I'd forgotten my transit card. She nonetheless got on the bus without me. I had to walk it alone in the snow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24273

You deserved it

8965

Favorite

By Anonymous - 26/10/2020 11:01

Our House

Today, I found out I have another leak in my house. I've had three inspections and they were all shit. At this point, that pipe is the only remaining original pipe in the entire house. Over 25k have officially gone into this BS. Note to all: go "new." FML

I agree, your life sucks

780

You deserved it

Favorite

By Pimaan - United States

Today, I decided to be a generous guy and slip a dollar from my pocket to a beggar. Turns out I'd slipped my hard-earned $100 bill instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22687

You deserved it

35798

Favorite

By Natalie - United States - Odessa

Today, my father, who's never played much part in my life, told me how proud he is of me. I choked back tears, and we hugged for the first time in years. Later, I choked back my rage when I saw he'd opened my mail and obviously planned on leeching my new-found SSI money off me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28850

You deserved it

2216

Favorite

By brokeaf - United States

Today, I received a $50 iTunes card for my birthday. I immediately sat down at my computer and starting buying all my newest favorites. Then I realized I never redeemed my card so the $50 was all charged to my account. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11868

You deserved it

52421

Favorite

By xetsa - France

Today, I realized for the last year that my husband has been home from Iraq, I haven't gotten more than a few hours of sleep at night. Not because he gets nightmares, but because he now snores so loud that the pets sleep at the other end of the house to get rest. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23622

You deserved it

3217

Favorite

By filipkm - Slovenia - Ljubljana

Today, I heard on television that a body was found in my city's water reservoir. Word is that it was dead for over a week. I've been drinking and showering with that water. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14339

Phew, glad it wasn't me

2772

Favorite

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, I had to take a dump at work. I walked into the bathroom and opened a stall, only to find what I can only describe as a fecal crime scene. It was like a turd had exploded mid-air. It was so vile, my anxiety kicked in and I broke down into a sobbing panic attack. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29246

You deserved it

3595

Favorite

By chelsea

Today, I found out that if you cry yourself sleep and forget to take off your mascara, your top and bottom lashes will stick together. Leaving you unable to open your eyes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34492

You deserved it

13563

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband told me the reason he'd been meeting his high school sweetheart behind my back and lying about where he was was out of respect for me. He thinks I'm ungrateful for not appreciating the lengths he's gone to to hide this. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36071

You deserved it

3131

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada - Ottawa

Today, while cleaning my desk I found a stray gumball. I quickly popped it into my mouth only to discover with horror that it was a paintball. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18094

You deserved it

36268

Favorite

By izoliv - France

Today, after a tremendously hot night with a guy I met the night before, I ask him his phone number. To which he replied: "What for?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

38581

You deserved it

10689

Favorite

By AchievementUnlocked? - United States

Today, my husband and I were talking about celebrities he finds attractive. All of these beautiful, talented, glamorous women were starting to make me feel very plain, so he attempted to console me by saying, "But I love you. You're attainable!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

46230

You deserved it

6429

Favorite

By Anonymous - Libyan Arab Jamahiriya

Double take

Today, after sex, my boyfriend turned to me and said, "You know, sometimes, you look like Kevin Spacey." FML

I agree, your life sucks

29504

You deserved it

3687

Favorite

By musicaddict - United States

Today, the cute boy in my biology class I had been crushing on invited me over to study for a huge test. Once I got to his house, I really had to use the bathroom. I ended ending up taking a huge dump and clogging up his toilet. He had to come plunge it for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

77211

You deserved it

24146

Favorite

By HomeAlone - United States

Today, I went into the bathroom and got angry upon finding that once again, no one had bothered to put on a new roll of toilet paper. And then I remembered that I live alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9840

You deserved it

21146

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my boyfriend said that we can "maybe have sleepovers" at his house when he FINALLY moves out. He's 24, and we've been dating for 6 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28359

You deserved it

8051

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, for the first time, a good looking guy was in my yoga class. Today also marked the first time I farted during yoga class. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33715

You deserved it

5562

Favorite

By Anonymous

Put it away

Today, I managed to cut myself twice with a Swiss army knife. Stabbed in one hand and sliced a finger on the other. Good to know it's super sharp. FML

I agree, your life sucks

936

You deserved it

911

Favorite

By gonads

Banana-nana fo-fo-nads

Today, I was playing baseball. My full name is Nadeene, my nickname is Dee, but people have started calling me Nads. Someone yelled out "Go Nads" as I went up to bat. Guess what my new nickname is? FML

I agree, your life sucks

3354

You deserved it

291

Favorite

By dumbdad - United States

Today, my estranged dad drunk-dialed me at 4am to apologize, and to make amends. After crying and forgiving, we hung up. Minutes later, he called back to retract everything he said after remembering how I was rude to him at a party 3 years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29508

You deserved it

3252

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada - Uxbridge

Today, I'm insanely hungover from a long night of drinking. I'm going to my nephew's baptism in an hour as his godmother. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8173

You deserved it

55105

Favorite

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Top comments

By amadeusrexxor | 0

#509 - Saturday 7 February 2009 16:25

I locked my mom out of the house once when I was two. Apparently, I was mad because she yelled at me.

By diskincluded | 0

#47101 - Saturday 21 March 2009 7:58

Now you know why you should get one with an outside handle.

COMMENTS

By amadeusrexxor | 0

#509 - Saturday 7 February 2009 16:25

I locked my mom out of the house once when I was two. Apparently, I was mad because she yelled at me.

By FTSK3OH3 | 0

#19246 - Saturday 7 March 2009 4:43

So get off of FML and find him! :O

mahimalil | 0

#1479556 - Friday 1 October 2010 4:21

I agree !

By dk_fml | 0

#37648 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 18:01

Same here, except it was about 5 degrees outside and I had to run to the neighbors in shorts and no shoes over the snow :-0

lalamike25 | 0

#3695803 - Wednesday 7 December 2011 5:38

It's not a contest!

By diskincluded | 0

#47101 - Saturday 21 March 2009 7:58

Now you know why you should get one with an outside handle.

By ct_fml | 0

#109300 - Tuesday 14 April 2009 3:39

yeah, i did the same thing but got locked out

By 24788 | 6

#170664 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 10:04

That's a bummer, but he was probably just listening to what you've said a thousand times in the past.

CLOSE THE DOOR

By elliekinslurvsya | 0

#256693 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 0:26

unless it's locked, you can still move it with your hands on the glass...

By godhelpme92 | 0

#259457 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 7:26

That sucks : (

By CJGannon | 0

#315833 - Thursday 18 June 2009 3:33

Smart kid hahahaha

By skyregit | 0

#337150 - Wednesday 24 June 2009 20:53

Ok, how the hell did your son manage to get you to go outside, in a nightdress, shoeless, and in the rain?? I dont get it

BagelPower | 0

#989654 - Sunday 9 May 2010 6:00

She could've been letting the dog out and the dog wouldn't come do she had to step out. Or maybe she left something valuble outside and didn't want it wet.

PDSot | 21

#6491674 - Wednesday 23 December 2015 8:45

going out to smoke

heroqucas | 25

#6574597 - Tuesday 5 April 2016 11:12

I agree with 24, my parents went out to smoke a lot during the night, my dad would go out in the morning before getting ready for work too