By lilou - France

Stuck

Today, at 7 a.m., I ended up outside in a nightdress, barefoot and in the rain. I've just found out that my two-year-old son now knows how to close the patio door, which of course, has no outside door handle. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24662

You deserved it

3870

Favorite

Kids

And today, on Dr Phil…

Cloth ears

Public transport FTW

By BadStuden - Canada

Today, I did a 3 hour long assignment for school. I was bored so I gave it the title "F***ing Assignment for a F***ing Teacher." I went downstairs only to discover that the printer was out of ink. So I sent it to her email, then I realized that I didn't change the title. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9784

You deserved it

58868

Favorite

By bruised - Australia - Sydney

Today, while playing hockey, one of my teammates decided to swing her hockey stick like a golf club. She missed the ball, but managed to hit me right in the vagina. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14217

You deserved it

1216

Favorite

By justjoking - United States

Today, my classmate commented on how quiet I am. I responded with, "Well, nobody plots murder out loud," trying to be funny. My teacher tried to get me arrested. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39620

You deserved it

7784

Favorite

By SleepIsForTheWeak - Canada - St. John's

Today, I had to work a double shift after my relief called in "sick" just so he could go to a party. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30816

You deserved it

2549

Favorite

By ken - Canada

Thanks, I hate it

Today, I learned that my girlfriend is cheating on me when she was arrested for having sex in public. Not with me though. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46154

You deserved it

3584

Favorite

By :/ - United States - Gilbert

Today, I'm so broke, I walked into a nursing home and pretended to be a gentleman's son just so I could get some free food "for him". FML

I agree, your life sucks

21925

You deserved it

6490

Favorite

By kat

Today, I posted my phone for sale on Facebook. Someone hit me up to buy it and wanted me to meet them. I didn't really want to drive to them, but I'm a mom of 2 and I needed food and some extra cash so I did it. The guy asked to look at the phone and ran off with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3051

You deserved it

667

Favorite

By Dani - Australia

Today, I tried to take a piss in the woods, but ended up peeing all over my feet. I still had to hike another five hours in wet shoes. My boyfriend's only comment was, "At least you didn't wet your pants." FML

I agree, your life sucks

13271

You deserved it

26644

Favorite

By mommydearest - Denmark

Today, my paranoid wreck of a girlfriend read a text message on my phone from a woman asking if I was coming over for dinner. The woman was my mom. My girlfriend stormed out and hasn't answered my calls all day. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33239

You deserved it

4100

Favorite

By polebitch49 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my friends hired a male stripper to give me a lap dance for my birthday. It was all pretty nice until he let rip one of the most nauseating farts I've ever encountered, right in my face. Hours later, I can still smell it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

59896

You deserved it

7427

Favorite

By thereisnobaby - United States - Cadillac

Today, I was met with an unfortunate clerical error, receiving a letter from WIC with a cheery handwritten note instructing me to call when the baby arrives. I guess they forgot I was there four months ago to discuss the changes in benefits after a miscarriage. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12080

You deserved it

753

Favorite

By NormtheNorm - United States - Enterprise

Bipartisan spirit

Today, I told my conservative friends over dinner that I was a bit of a liberal. They then went off on me about how liberals are lazy, stupid, and a financial burden on society. I was the only employed person at the table with a college degree and not living with my parents. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2261

You deserved it

337

Favorite

By tired waitress - United States

Today, I'm a waitress. A customer came in and acted very kindly and even mentioned how I was such a help to her. She also mentioned leaving a nice tip. The tip? A fake $20. Thanks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13582

You deserved it

1174

Favorite

By justmeagain

Today, my girlfriend left me. The reason? She sent me a link to a story online about a woman who abused her dog to the point of death and I didn’t vomit while reading it. According to her, that makes me a “heartless monster.” FML

I agree, your life sucks

2588

You deserved it

239

Favorite

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, I found out that my wife of 12 years has slept with the workmen we've had working on our long term building project. They call her the "quickie queen". FML

I agree, your life sucks

62898

You deserved it

4881

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, three women came into my work and one was wearing a shirt with a rainbow that said, "We are everywhere". I had just gotten what it was referring to and when I greeted them I ended up saying "Hi gays!" instead of the standard "Hi guys". FML

I agree, your life sucks

21953

You deserved it

51447

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Carlsbad

Today, after telling my audience of preschoolers and parents that I'd been performing magic since I was a kid in 1995, a 4-year-old got more laughter and applause than I did in my entire act by gasping, "1995? You should be dead by now!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

30093

You deserved it

3018

Favorite

By Anonymous - Netherlands - Overveen

Today, I dreamed a rat crawled up from the toilet and attacked me. Now I'm afraid to even enter the bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18127

You deserved it

3758

Favorite

By blasted - United States

Today, my girlfriend of almost a year, and to whom I intended to propose on Thanksgiving, dumped me because her husband will be returning from Iraq soon. And he wants to have a "talk" with me. I didn't know she was married. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44163

You deserved it

3855

Favorite

By Anonymous - 8/9/2020 05:05

Life decisions

Today, I decided to break up with my girlfriend after I got home and realised I was happier sat in my car on the street than I would be if I went inside and had to put up with her whining and her 2 spoiled daughters for even one more day. So now I’m happy, but also homeless. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1437

You deserved it

378

Favorite

By Elrond Hubbard - United States

Today, I drove my dad to Walmart to do some shopping. His leg is still in a cast after an accident, so I helped him to the last mobility scooter. A guy whose only disability was clearly Fat-Fuck Syndrome then yelled at us, claiming he needed it more and that my dad was a faker. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37946

You deserved it

2593

Favorite

By poop towel - United States

Today, my new roommate moved in. It seems that instead of using toilet paper like a normal human being, she instead opts to use the nearest towel in reach. I found this out when I went to dry off with mine after a shower. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37504

You deserved it

2223

Favorite

By Speechless

Today, it's been a few days since I saw an ad advertising my job after being told about it by a telemarketer. When I asked my boss about it, she claimed things were fine, it was an old ad, not to worry. Now, I was actually fired for no valid reason. A telemarketer gave me more warning than they did. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12148

You deserved it

863

Favorite

By GM38 - United States - Melbourne

Today, I divorced my husband of 20 years. The only positive thing about my day was my pregnancy test. Yes, it was his. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31009

You deserved it

8972

Favorite

By skiergal98

Today, I found out why I haven't been getting my bank statements for the past couple of months. My parents have been hiding them from me, because they've been stealing from it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2093

You deserved it

131

Favorite

By ThirdWheelHell - United States - Farmville

Today, I had a date with a guy. We ran into our gay friend at the theater, who insisted on coming along. My date was pissed, but I couldn't turn our friend away. Afterwards, my date texted our friend, mad because he crashed the date. Turns out he isn't gay. And only crashed it because he likes me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12905

You deserved it

3479

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I took my Spanish exam. One of the questions was to translate "Mark is lazy and antisocial." My name is Mark. Everyone kept giving me weird looks the whole test. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33038

You deserved it

2776

Favorite

By Alex

Today, marks three weeks since I started my new dream job. It also marks the second time this week alone that I've clogged the toilet in the restroom. I'm almost 100% sure all my coworkers know it was me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1907

You deserved it

604

Favorite

By noname - France

Today, I was quietly having a bath when I felt something fall onto my shoulder blade. I glanced over my shoulder and saw what I thought were huge black spider legs. I screamed, completely hysterical, and I threw myself violently against a wall. It was my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40216

You deserved it

23780

Favorite

By Anonymous - 14/11/2020 02:02

Better off out

Today, I was fired because I spoke up about a supervisor mistreating me. The assistant VP spent the meeting demeaning me to “teach me a lesson” and then said she was firing me because I “stirred the pot." Man, I really loved that job but I won’t miss the toxic work culture. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1222

You deserved it

Favorite

By No2ndDate - United States - Mount Pleasant

Owl be there for you

Today, I went on a date to an owl sanctuary. Today is also the day I discovered my all-encompassing fear of owls, as I cried and pissed myself in front of my date and 15 other visitors. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7883

You deserved it

1526

Favorite

By icefly - United States - Orlando

Today, I've owned my dream car for 11 days. Someone backed into it while it parked at work, and drove away without leaving a note. A man at a nearby business knows who did it but won't tell me because it was one of his customers. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16325

You deserved it

1063

Favorite

By fire1 - United States

Today, working as an EMT on an ambulance, we had a patient who refused to accept that he had a massive GI bleed, despite the fact that bloody stool was flowing from his anus all over my ambulance. To make things worse, my EMT ride-along student puked all over the patient. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33073

You deserved it

2309

Favorite

By Jordan - 12/11/2020 05:02 - United States - Herndon

Luck of the draw

Today, I waited 3 hours and paid $360 to have a routine tuneup done on my old car. As I pulled into my driveway, about to turn off the engine, one of my headlights blew. FML

I agree, your life sucks

583

You deserved it

Favorite

By gregoyles - United States

Today, I saw my male boss holding a purse. Just to be a smart ass, I made fun of him as if the purse was his. It was his. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12077

You deserved it

44020

Favorite

By DogThermoeter

Today, I took my temperature since I've had a cold for a few days. After reading the display, I noticed the sheath had "Lily" written on it. Lily is our golden retriever. It was in her ass yesterday after she had a seizure. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2099

You deserved it

1458

Favorite

By booooo - France

Today, I withdrew €40 at the ATM to pay for dinner later tonight. It wasn't until I went to pay for it that I realized I'd taken the receipt, but left the cash in the ATM. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20362

You deserved it

41766

Favorite

By AngelAshley - United Kingdom

Today, I was swimming in the fast lane at the pool. A guy in blue trunks was swimming slowly and really getting on everyone's nerves. I took a break, and looking around I couldn't see him. I turned to the guy next to me and said, "Finally, Mr. Blue Trunks has f**ked off." It was Mr. Blue Trunks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8535

You deserved it

39655

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend sent me a text telling me to turn the radio on to a certain station. When I did, there was a talk show on, and the host was ranting about how important it is for women to control themselves and not be emotional. My boyfriend continued texting me, asking if I was listening. FML

I agree, your life sucks

58062

You deserved it

14774

Favorite

By deucelututi - United States

Today, while shopping in the FML store I bought the "Retro Sport Tee," I didn't notice you are supposed to put your own "FML" on the shirt. Mine says "Today, Your Text Here. FML." FML

I agree, your life sucks

26139

You deserved it

81044

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By amadeusrexxor | 0

#509 - Saturday 7 February 2009 16:25

I locked my mom out of the house once when I was two. Apparently, I was mad because she yelled at me.

By diskincluded | 0

#47101 - Saturday 21 March 2009 7:58

Now you know why you should get one with an outside handle.

COMMENTS

By amadeusrexxor | 0

#509 - Saturday 7 February 2009 16:25

I locked my mom out of the house once when I was two. Apparently, I was mad because she yelled at me.

By FTSK3OH3 | 0

#19246 - Saturday 7 March 2009 4:43

So get off of FML and find him! :O

mahimalil | 0

#1479556 - Friday 1 October 2010 4:21

I agree !

By dk_fml | 0

#37648 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 18:01

Same here, except it was about 5 degrees outside and I had to run to the neighbors in shorts and no shoes over the snow :-0

lalamike25 | 0

#3695803 - Wednesday 7 December 2011 5:38

It's not a contest!

By diskincluded | 0

#47101 - Saturday 21 March 2009 7:58

Now you know why you should get one with an outside handle.

By ct_fml | 0

#109300 - Tuesday 14 April 2009 3:39

yeah, i did the same thing but got locked out

By 24788 | 6

#170664 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 10:04

That's a bummer, but he was probably just listening to what you've said a thousand times in the past.

CLOSE THE DOOR

By elliekinslurvsya | 0

#256693 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 0:26

unless it's locked, you can still move it with your hands on the glass...

By godhelpme92 | 0

#259457 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 7:26

That sucks : (

By CJGannon | 0

#315833 - Thursday 18 June 2009 3:33

Smart kid hahahaha

By skyregit | 0

#337150 - Wednesday 24 June 2009 20:53

Ok, how the hell did your son manage to get you to go outside, in a nightdress, shoeless, and in the rain?? I dont get it

BagelPower | 0

#989654 - Sunday 9 May 2010 6:00

She could've been letting the dog out and the dog wouldn't come do she had to step out. Or maybe she left something valuble outside and didn't want it wet.

PDSot | 21

#6491674 - Wednesday 23 December 2015 8:45

going out to smoke

heroqucas | 25

#6574597 - Tuesday 5 April 2016 11:12

I agree with 24, my parents went out to smoke a lot during the night, my dad would go out in the morning before getting ready for work too