All the FMLs

By Noname - 13/02/2009 17:46 - United States

Today, I went to the gym to run. I ended up at the hospital because i went into anaphylactic shock. Apparently I'm allergic to exercise now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 290

You deserved it 3 687

By shinoza - 13/02/2009 15:02 - Malaysia

Today, for the first time in months, I got a call from a beautiful girl asking me what I was doing tonight. Then my battery died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 586

You deserved it 8 394

By veggiegal - 13/02/2009 14:45 - United States

Today, I found a bone in my sandwich. It was a veggie burger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 456

You deserved it 7 880

By fmlfmboyfriendah - 13/02/2009 14:37 - United States

Today, I was lying in bed with my boyfriend, he grabbed my double chin and goes "gobble, gobble". FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 930

You deserved it 19 910

By abi_vet_student - 13/02/2009 12:42 - United Kingdom

Today, it was my first day working at a milking parlor. As I crouched behind a cow to put on an udder cluster, I looked up and gasped just in time for the cow to crap on my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 886

You deserved it 7 099

By Kulcha - 13/02/2009 11:07 - Australia

Today, I was expelled from school. By my own mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 438

You deserved it 40 488

By Tamps - 13/02/2009 09:46 - United Kingdom

Today, I gave my girlfriend a new TV as a 10th anniversary present. She gave me a torch on a keyring. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 101

You deserved it 6 908

Lonesome

By AwesomePGnarles - 13/02/2009 08:17 - United States

Today, I realized that I know more about the history of the Transformers than I do about talking to women. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 712

You deserved it 44 514

By buster - 13/02/2009 08:06 - United States

Today, I had to give a speech on stage at a local preschool about fire safety. I'm 32 years old and passed out on stage because I felt extremely nervous and intimitated by a group of 4 year olds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 356

You deserved it 8 230

By Dariya - 13/02/2009 04:25 - United States

Today, I asked my mom how much she had set aside for college. She then looked and me as if I were crazy and said "Why the hell would I do anything like that?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 734

You deserved it 4 735

By idkmybffjill? - 13/02/2009 04:12 - United States

Today, I was pestering a co-worker, so she jokingly stated "I'll bury you!" and I replied "I'll bury your mom!". Her moms funeral was last week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 581

You deserved it 49 068

By yerface - 13/02/2009 03:52 - United States

Today, I told my mom I was excited my boobs were getting bigger. She told me that that's what happens when you get fat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 753

You deserved it 8 738

By Noname - 13/02/2009 03:46 - United States

Today, my boyfriend dumped me because he said the relationship was too tough for him. When I asked for an example, he responded, "Like, I don't have enough time to play World of Warcraft." FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 685

You deserved it 7 894

By Duckie W - 13/02/2009 01:24 - United States

Today, I was complaining to my sister about how jealous I was of her looks. Her response was "Sometimes it's okay to be the ugly sister. Like, you have less of a chance of getting raped." FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 697

You deserved it 6 234

How romantic

By SmokedSalmon - 13/02/2009 00:54 - United States

Today, I woke up next to a slumbering girl I had just met the night before. She had all the covers on top of her and I was cold. Not only was I cold, but the sheets were really cold. So I got up and realized she'd peed a drunken night's worth of beer all over my sheets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 257

You deserved it 43 609

Well done!

By janedoe - 12/02/2009 22:21 - United States

Today, I was volunteering at a nursing home calling bingo numbers. One woman stood up and started making noises, so I assumed she had won and started clapping. She then fell on the floor and died of a heart attack. I essentially applauded her death. FML

I agree, your life sucks 91 851

You deserved it 12 759

Shit, dude

By Johnny on the Spot - 12/02/2009 17:19 - United States

Today, campus security called to inform me that my car had been in an accident. I rushed down to the security office to find most of the officers laughing. A portable john blew over on to my car and smashed my rear window. Now, security calls me "Port-A-Potty Guy," and my car smells like shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 434

You deserved it 2 322

Truth bomb

By cdaniel2 - 12/02/2009 17:15 - United States

Today, I was sitting at home, venting to my parents about how I never get asked out by any of the guys at school. My Dad's words of wisdom were, "Don't worry, looks don't matter so much in college. Once they've had a few beers in them, they'll date anything." FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 302

You deserved it 4 648

By atterz123 - 12/02/2009 13:37 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out my teacher writes descriptions next to people's names on the register to remind him who people were. By mistake the descriptions appeared on the computer projector. Next to my name it said "Tubby". FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 018

You deserved it 5 421

By KWM - 12/02/2009 13:28 - United States

Today, I shook hands with a girl and held onto her hand while telling her she had very tiny, delicate hands. When I let go to look at them, I discovered she only had two fingers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 148

You deserved it 39 085

This is lit

By a genius - 12/02/2009 13:28 - United States

Today, I lit a cigarette in the opposite direction of the wind. My hair blew into it, and caught on fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 921

You deserved it 60 315

By language barriers - 12/02/2009 07:07 - United States

Today, I was at the airport trying to help a man get to the right terminal. When he finished he turned to tell me "Don't worry, your English is pretty good, considering you're not American". English is my only language. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 252

You deserved it 5 217

By rainyday - 12/02/2009 07:04 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I broke up. I said that at least I was always there for him when he needed me. He said "When did I need you?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 056

You deserved it 6 331

By Mal2222 - 12/02/2009 06:13 - United States

Today, at work, a man walked up the escalator with his chubby kid next to him and asked me where the shoe section was. I said, "For you or your son?" He said, "For my daughter." FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 307

You deserved it 35 185

By Noname - 12/02/2009 06:00 - United States

Today, I went to a movie with my boyfriend. In the lobby, I asked why the glasses were not working. I said, "Do they only work inside the theater?" My boyfriend replied, "3-D glasses just work inside the movie, everything else in the World is pretty much 3-D." FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 438

You deserved it 134 967

XXXL

By ardenm - 12/02/2009 05:45 - United States

Today, when I tried on a pair of pants at the mall, I asked the salesperson if I could have the next size up. She informed me that there wasn't a next size up. I have to LOSE weight to fit into the biggest pair of pants the store makes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 726

You deserved it 38 171

By hungry - 12/02/2009 00:06 - United States

Today, my mom asked me if I had an eating problem because I've been eating less. I only started eating less because she told me I ate too much. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 703

You deserved it 3 512

By iwantpizza69 - 12/02/2009 00:06 - United States

Today, I told the guy I have feelings for that I'm interested in, and asked him how he feels about it. He responded via text, saying, "I feel fairly neutral about that." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 810

You deserved it 4 217

By chee - 11/02/2009 23:57 - United States

Today, I told my mom, "I love you". She responded with, "What? I never told you I loved you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 829

You deserved it 2 949

By EKG - 11/02/2009 23:33 - United States

Today, after being in the hospital for two days with no visitors, I got my first phone call. It was my best friend asking if he could date my ex-girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 756

You deserved it 2 598

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The Top

Today, I worked overtime with three guys who never shut up about partying and getting laid. When I finally escaped the testosterone and got home, the first thing I heard was my grandpa telling my dad all about how he once fisted a girl to orgasm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 394

You deserved it 3 294

Today, it's been three years that I've worked as a waitress at a fine local restaurant. I like the work and it felt special when a regular customer, with my permission, hugged and complimented me, and said, "I appreciate you, 'Anna the Cool'. Thanks for helping to make this my fave restaurant." If only my friends were this nice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 350

You deserved it 93

Today, I excitedly told my family that, after years of studying and dedication, I've been awarded a full scholarship to Germany. My mom's reaction was to start sobbing about me becoming a "heathen" and my dad and brother started telling Nazi jokes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 081

You deserved it 3 919

Today, my wife got me a car for my birthday. It's a nice one but I soon realized it's a trap: I have to take her everywhere, or she tells me she can take it back anytime. So much for a gift. FML

I agree, your life sucks 944

You deserved it 190

Today, I sent a cute, jokey text to my girlfriend saying, "Just in case the world ends, I love you." Not only did she dump me because I was an "idiot for believing in the doomsday", which I don't, she also wrote a Facebook status about it. Now everyone thinks I'm mentally unstable. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 567

You deserved it 7 104

Today, my grandma went for a walk after being told that she has a bad heart and a fall could be fatal. She fell, fracturing both wrists, and is now in casts and can't do anything herself. Turned out it was only fatal to my college semester. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 519

You deserved it 343