Today, I bought my mom a gift certificate for a spa treatment for two so we could spend some quality time together. She took my sister. FML
Today, the girl I have a crush on posted on her Instagram story: “Best present ever from the most amazing guy ever!” One of my friends gave her the same item I got her for her birthday last month. When I gave it to her, she nonchalantly said, “Cool, thanks.” FML
Today, I went out to see my uncle on my mom’s side and his family for my mom’s birthday. My oldest cousin insisted that he and his wife give their gift first. It was a stuffed bear, along with the news that they’re expecting their first kid, and making my mom a great-aunt. My gift was a cake she used to make. FML
Today, I gave my friend what I thought was the perfect birthday gift, a personalized mug with her favourite quote. When she opened it, she looked confused so I explained. Then she said, "I’ve never ever said that." I realized I'd printed a quote from a completely different friend. I awkwardly told her, “Well, now you have something new to say!" FML
Today, my 8 year-old niece gave me back a Fluttershy plush I gifted her 4 years ago. When I told her it was a gift from the heart, she insisted on exchanging it for something of equal value. FML
Today, I gave my nephew a toy car as a gift. He opened it, looked at it for two seconds, and then spent the next hour playing with the cardboard box it came in. Apparently, I could’ve saved $20 and just bought him a box. FML
Today, after my wife just cashed in $160,000 in stock options, my Christmas present was two pairs of socks she bought with REI credit. I suppose it’s better than last year’s spatula. FML
Today, for Christmas, I got the 3-month anniversary of a constant cold and cough, my period, plus the diagnosis that I have been secretly left-handed for 40 years, and need to switch sides now if I want to unfuck my physical and mental health. What I still don't have are decent boots - I've been hunting them for 3 years. FML
Today, I bought my dog an expensive plushie toy because I thought it would last longer than the cheap ones. He ignored it completely and spent two hours playing with the cardboard box it came in. FML
Today, I sit isolated from my family with presents I cannot give. Though I respect my brother's religious beliefs and life ideals, he chooses to hate mine. He has gone out of his way to refuse patching up our relationship and now my parents who are at his house are not answering their phone. "Merry X-mas…" FML
Today, I finally finished my Christmas shopping and felt like an absolute champion. That was until I got home and realized I'd left one of the shopping bags in the parking lot. The bag contained the most expensive gift I'd bought. FML
Today, I caught my fiance lying about being at work. Furious, I started breaking his things, demanding to know what skank he'd been sneaking around with. He gave me a stack of receipts, saying he'd been Christmas shopping. He's not cheating, just getting me everything I wanted. God, I'm a psycho. FML
Today, I won't be getting any Christmas presents because the Secret Santa activity I take part in was canceled. Why? Some jerks messaged racial slurs to the organizers, who decided volunteering to do something fun for people wasn't worth the abuse. Thanks, idiots (and my apologies to the organizers). FML
Today, for my birthday, my husband gave me a dress he stole from my wardrobe. It was the one I'd bought myself on my last birthday because he forgot to buy me anything, and gave me cash in a brown envelope. Not a birthday card, a brown envelope. FML
Today, I got my husband a really expensive Bulova watch. He asked for brown. I got him a brown and gold leather watch. He said it looked to much like the cheap $10 watch in his collection and asked if I could exchange it. I can’t - no refunds. Now we are fighting because he can’t express his feelings. FML
Today, I got a friend of mine, who I also like, a present for his birthday. When I gave him the present, he winced and told me, “Thanks, this is sweet and all, but I only like you as a friend.” I haven’t even told him how I felt or anything. FML
Today, my boyfriend gave me a surprise gift. I was so excited until I opened it. It was the same exact sweater I bought for him last month, but in my size. He said, “I knew you liked it, so I got one for you too!” He didn’t remember that I already own one. FML
Today, for my mom's birthday, I couldn't figure out what to get her, so I just took some of her jewelry, wrapped it up, and re-gifted it. She recognized it instantly. FML
Today, my mother-in-law got me a pair of $2 socks for my birthday. Usually, I don't care… until I found out she got my husband's friend, not even best friend, a $100 gift card, and offered him her free hotel room at the casinos. This is the fifth holiday in a row I've received gifts under $10. FML
Today, I realised that despite all my careful Christmas preparation, there is one thing I forgot to get. The gift for my wife, which I should've picked up from the shop I ordered it from. It’s sat in that shop right now at 7pm on Christmas Eve. I’m a dead man tomorrow morning. FML
Today, I got a gym membership for Christmas, from 3 different people. I think my family's trying to tell me something. FML
Today, after weeks of keeping it a secret, I excitedly gave my boyfriend what I thought to be the perfect Christmas present. Turns out lock picking sets are illegal in Ohio. FML
Today, we did a Secret Santa at work and instead of buying cringe romance novels and candy for this other girl, I bought her a fantasy novel and a bag of dried mangos. When I went to leave for the day, I found both of my thoughtful gifts in the trash can. FML
Today, my wife ruined the gift I got for our 10 year anniversary by opening a package that was clearly addressed to me, finding the custom made necklace, and started wearing it straight away. I didn’t even know it had been delivered yet and boom, right there on her neck two weeks early. FML
Today, my boyfriend got me the awning I wanted for my terrace. Only he ordered it in the wrong material and the wrong size, figuring that anything similar was close enough. Now he's annoyed that he spent so much money and that I want to send it back. FML
Today, I got gifted a US MRE Menu 4 Cheese and Veggie Omelette, despite the fact that this crap has been discontinued by the government, as well as probably expired, as a "Thank you for your service" gift. I thought they'd gotten rid of this crap. FML
Today, it’s Mother’s Day. My mother-in-law, who is batshit crazy, bought her daughter a pinwheel. My MIL claims she “saw it and knew it was for her.” Her daughter is 47. This might be laughable, but over the years, her daughter is slowly turning into her. I’m effed. FML
Today, I received my first wedding present in the mail. I opened it immediately and called the sender to say thanks. She yelled at me for opening it and, because she shipped it to me by mistake, requested it back. FML
Today, I got a care package for graduation. Among the stuff inside was a toolbox; I never took shop classes or showed any interest in them because of severe disability. I also got a Snickers bar; I hate peanut butter. I even got a bunch of clothes hangers; I had more than enough as it was. FML
Today, I went out to buy my wife some flowers and a chocolate bar that I overhead she liked the other day. On the way home, I was complimented on the bouquet I chose and feeling pretty good about myself. When I got home it turned out I got the wrong kind of flowers and the wrong percent of dark chocolate. FML
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