Today, I confided to my dad that since the recent breakup with my boyfriend of 3 months, I feel down all the time and life doesn't feel worth living anymore. His loving advice was for me to "grow the fuck up and get your sentimental head out of la-la land." FML

by Anonymous / 05/08/2011 at 3:21pm / United States (Virginia) / Love

Docbee's comment : wise words young grasshopper....

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Today, I realised just how grossly out of shape I am, when I started violently sweating, felt light-headed, and almost blacked out. All this from helping my sister shift a sofa from the move-in truck to her living room. FML

by Anonymous / 05/08/2011 at 3:08pm / United Kingdom (Northamptonshire) / Health

Today, after weeks of money slowly disappearing from the stash in my bedroom, I confronted my son about it. I'm not sure which is worse: that my son is a thief or that he actually blamed his father for it. We've been divorced and haven't spoken for eight years. FML

by jill / 05/08/2011 at 2:25pm / United States (New Jersey) / Kids

Today, I decided to be extra nice to my girlfriend by washing all the dishes and folding all the clothes. She thought I was being "too nice" and hypothesized that I was cheating on her. FML

by gnownayrgnow / 05/08/2011 at 1:05am / United States (California) / Love

Today, it's my three month anniversary with my girlfriend and so I decided to bake her a cake from scratch. It took me three hours, a call to my mom, three different recipe books, and half my pantry. On the way to her house, I stopped to pick up flowers and left the cake in the car. It melted. FML

by sadman / 05/07/2011 at 7:10pm / United States (Oklahoma) / Love

marinus's comment : Baked cakes don't melt.

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Today, my fire alarm startled me so badly that I shit myself. FML

by Mel / 05/07/2011 at 6:27pm / United States (New Jersey) / Health

DivineGarden's comment : Sounds like a shitty situation.

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Today, I was walking through my kitchen when I discovered a weak spot in the floor. Tomorrow, I'm going to have to fix the giant hole caused when I put my foot through it. FML

by Anonymous / 05/07/2011 at 5:42pm / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous

Today, my dad demonstrated just how incredibly illiterate he is. He sent me a chain email about the awful lives of people with "Asparagus syndrome". FML

by K. / 05/07/2011 at 1:38pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, I playfully nudged my friend on the shoulder. She countered by shoving me head-first into a trash can. FML

by Cheerieful / 05/07/2011 at 12:26pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, while I was trying to explain to my friend how smoking weed everyday doesn't make you stupid, I forgot what I was talking about mid-sentence. FML

by BCBUDDY / 05/07/2011 at 11:29am / United States (Florida) / Health

Today, I discovered my wife has a YouTube channel dedicated to 20 second videos of her wearing a fake mustache and making weird sounds. FML

by wtfiswrongwithher / 05/07/2011 at 9:56am / Australia (Queensland) / Love

Today, my date asked if I could drive his friend home before we went out for breakfast. His friend had blonde hair, big boobs and wore a skimpy black dress. He wasn't 100% sure of her name. I guess I drove home my date's one night stand. FML

by lawl / 05/07/2011 at 9:25am / Canada (Ontario) / Intimacy

Today, I learned that my apartment building has two new tenants: my ex-girlfriend and her fiancé, the guy she cheated on me with. FML

by bigcityfail / 05/07/2011 at 7:54am / United States (Illinois) / Love