Today, I was driving back from school 100 miles away from my home with my fiancé and dog. While stopping for gas, we accidentally left our car keys and cell phones in the car. The dog sat on one of the keys and engaged the locks. We were locked out of the car until the tow truck arrived. FML

by Anonymous / 01/05/2011 at 1:35pm / United States / Animals

Today, while I was out of the office, I'd left my phone charging inside. My boss informed me that since I am clearly running up her electricity bill, it will be deducted out of my already nearly non existent paycheck. FML

by x_udontknowme_x / 01/05/2011 at 11:41am / United States (Florida) / Money

Today, I found out my identity was stolen. The person got credit cards in my name and didn't pay the bills, which has ruined my near perfect credit. The worst part about all of this is that I can't turn the person in. It's my mom, and sending her to jail wouldn't really work out for anyone. FML

by wdavi022 / 01/05/2011 at 4:01am / Money

SweetieLish's comment : Come on. Grow a pair and turn her in.

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Today, my boss walked in and said something I didn't quite hear, but my co-worker chuckled so to be polite, I laughed with him. They gave me some weird looks. My boss was actually talking about his wife's tumor and my co-worker was coughing. FML

by sucks / 01/05/2011 at 2:41am / Netherlands (Zuid-Holland) / Work

Today, I was talking to a really cute guy. He leaned closer and I thought he was going to kiss me. Instead, he leaned back, laughed and said, "Wow. You're growing a mustache." FML

by anonymous / 01/04/2011 at 11:17pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, it was opening night for the play where I was, for the first time ever, one of the leads. I went on stage with a loud and energetic entrance. I came in two scenes early. FML

by theatreluver / 01/04/2011 at 10:15pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I was out running. All of a sudden I saw a dog come towards me, I thought it was going to attack me and I screamed like a girl in front of everyone. It was a puppy wanting to play. FML

by BIZZMAL / 01/04/2011 at 9:44pm / United States / Animals

Today, was my boyfriends last night visiting my family. My dog decided to go through the trash, then ran up to my dad with one of our used condoms caught on her teeth. My parents didn't even know we were sleeping in the same room. They know a lot more now. FML

by ash / 01/04/2011 at 4:09pm / United States (New Jersey) / Intimacy

Today, I hit a parked car which was sticking out in the road and practically unavoidable. I left a note on the windshield saying, "You deserved to get hit - you park like an asshole." Later I realized that the paper I tore to write on was the back of my bank statement, name and address included. FML

by Anonymous / 01/04/2011 at 3:28pm / United States (Georgia) / Transportation

DocBastard's comment : If you hit a parked car, it's your goddamned fault. I hope the owners take your bank statement, hack into your account, and use your own money to pay for the damage you caused.

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Today, my boyfriend decided to re-enact a scene from Family Guy. He locked me in the car with him and farted deadly ones repeatedly. He wouldn't let me out until I learned to "love the gas." FML

by Anonymous / 01/04/2011 at 3:09pm / Reserved / Love

Today, I was talking to my boyfriend about our new year's resolutions. I started telling him that I wanted to lose some weight. He interrupted me, saying, "Yeah yeah, we all know you're fat, whatever." He then went on a 30 minute speech about how he'd really like to take more pictures of his cat in 2011. FML

by Anonymous / 01/04/2011 at 2:34pm / United Kingdom (York) / Animals

Today, while walking on the sidewalk with my boyfriend, I slipped and fell. Not only did he not help me get up or ask if I was okay, he got mad at me for embarrassing him in public. FML

by clumsy / 01/04/2011 at 10:47am / Health

Today, my girlfriend whom I'm crazy about broke up with me out of the blue. After pleading with her unsuccessfully, I called my mom for comfort and advice. She informed me that my dog had died. FML

by Anonymous / 01/04/2011 at 9:49am / United States (Vermont) / Animals