Health: Today, my two favorite things in the world are Pizza and Beer...... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 0

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 14

You deserved it 2

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 79

You deserved it 710

30/12/2008 10:41

Today, my two favorite things in the world are Pizza and Beer... I now discover I have Celiac and can't have either. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 787

You deserved it 3 285

Vulture

Damp, dark night

What a catch

11/10/2012 06:59

Today, as I was about to leave for work, my 16-year-old son stumbled home in nothing but his underwear and pink cowboy boots. He threw his hands in the air, yelled, "BOTTLE SIP BOTTLE GUZZLE," promptly threw up and passed out in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 842

You deserved it 4 617

Healthcare for all

By Anonymous - 01/10/2021 11:01

Today, I’m massively depressed and I live in a state that will prosecute you for attempted suicide, but will do nothing to help you afford mental health. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 057

You deserved it 79

31/01/2016 08:13

Today, I told my grandpa that I want to join the police force. His response: "You wanna lynch some blacks without the jail time, eh?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 501

You deserved it 2 534

11/02/2012 05:57

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex. He swore it wouldn't be 2 minutes long this time. He was right. It was 3 minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 867

You deserved it 5 597

04/11/2018 05:00

Today, I popped a zit that had formed around an ingrown hair "down there". It popped with so much force, the pus hit me in the forehead. Still can't get the hair out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 167

You deserved it 251

10/08/2009 19:06

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend and I were starting to get hot and heavy in my truck at our favorite park. We start going at it and we were both butt naked when I see a car pull into the lot. Not only is it a cop car, but the first thing the cop asks my girlfriend is "Are you being held against your will?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 682

You deserved it 14 124

26/04/2010 21:42

Today, I decided to quit smoking. During my lunch break, I tried to ash a KitKat bar that was in my hand after I took a bite. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 653

You deserved it 17 315

Clean break

By Anonymous - 28/09/2020 11:02

Today, I'd taken this girl I'd recently met through Facebook dating to my family cabin. Apparently, her hygiene wasn't that great, because she didn't shower all weekend. The entire 4-hour ride back to her house was miserable, as every time she opened up her legs it smelled like a dead rat. I'm still mortified. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 337

You deserved it 302

03/11/2009 21:51

Today, I came in to work and found the conference room white boards completely clean. My assistant wiped all the white boards where I spent 10 hours writing schedule for the next three months. I was going to meet with all supervisors to finalize that schedule today. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 535

You deserved it 7 056

03/11/2009 07:26

Today, I was driving past men working on the side of the road. There was a lot of water pouring down the road and as I slowed down to drive through it, a car sped past me, splashing my entire car. It was only then I realized it was a septic tank leak. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 590

You deserved it 2 583

18/04/2018 20:30

Today, I've been dating my boyfriend for 6 years. I've had a really bad week and am feeling depressed, and he knows this. He's also just decided to tell me he has a two-month-old daughter. We do not have an open relationship. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 154

You deserved it 457

Empathy hurts

By Anonymous - 09/09/2020 02:02

Today, my brother-in-law's wife said she won the jackpot by marrying into our family. What she doesn't know is that they make fun of her family behind her back, and her husband has no drive or focus in life. Now I get to watch her discover how crazy they really are. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 129

You deserved it 192

Corolla Conspiracy

By Anonymous - 30/07/2017 00:30

Today, I was talking to one of the advisors at my job about how almost everyone in the workplace who owns a Toyota has strangely been in some sort of car accident in the last year. I happen to have a Toyota. Guess who was rear-ended at an intersection after leaving work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 956

You deserved it 506

26/03/2016 19:26

Today, my boss/husband fired me from my job because I didn't sleep with him last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 207

You deserved it 3 572

29/01/2012 00:10

Today, my boyfriend gave me twelve roses and told me that he would love me until the last one dies. Remembering the Facebook like, I began looking for the fake one but couldn't find it. When I pointed out that all twelve were real and would die within days, he responded, "Exactly." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 446

You deserved it 3 515

19/02/2015 05:45

Spicy

Today, I was at a family gathering with my boyfriend. Jokingly, my grandmother swatted my butt to get me to move. Out of habit, I moaned quite loudly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 936

You deserved it 38 102

19/08/2010 11:25

Today, I finally found my cellphone when I heard WHACKWHACKWHACK inside the washing machine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 016

You deserved it 29 263

Nice guy

By Anonymous - 23/09/2021 11:00

Today, I found out that I need a hysterectomy. When I told my boyfriend of 2 years, he broke up with me, because he didn't have time to "coddle my feelings". FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 030

You deserved it 58

20/08/2013 17:18

Today, my ass decided that it was the perfect day to exhibit the diarrhea side-effect of medicine I'm taking. I definitely made a lasting impression on my interviewer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 116

You deserved it 2 964

10/11/2015 15:17

Today, I found out that my immediate supervisor had modified my phone in the priority order at our call center. As a result, any calls that came in during the night shift would be routed to my phone first, so that he can play games on his phone uninterrupted. It's been a whole year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 129

You deserved it 1 764

17/12/2011 06:49

Today, I told my boyfriend I loved him for the first time. His response was to smile and pat me on the head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 705

You deserved it 4 935

Fred Durst stan

By Deaf Biscuit - 26/08/2021 20:01

Today, my neighbour across the street has entered his ninth consecutive hour of playing Limp Bizkit at full blast. The only thing overriding my concern for his mental health is my sheer surprise that they have 9 hours of original music. FML

I agree, your life sucks 806

You deserved it 67

25/06/2019 12:35

Today, I went to the bank to open an account. It took hours for them to tell me that I needed my driver's license, passport, and residency paper. I returned with the documents. They then said that they couldn't help me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 647

You deserved it 139

19/12/2010 07:46

Today, my parents finally invited my boyfriend over for dinner. Everything was going great until my mother asked him his profession. He stuffed his mouth full of lasagna, snorted, and then responded, "I clean shit for a living." FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 086

You deserved it 25 429

11/08/2011 20:56

Today, I was supposed to catch a ride with a friend and go to Warped Tour with her. She called at the last minute to say she was sick, so I told her we didn't have to go. I just got a text saying she just got pictures and autographs with the band I especially wanted to see. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 439

You deserved it 3 645

11/04/2009 02:37

Today, I went to a friend's sweet sixteen. Since I didn't know any else at the party I was really happy when the mother told me she sat me next to someone she thought I would have a lot in common with. He ended up being mentally challenged and talked to a sock puppet the whole party. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 957

You deserved it 3 841

08/04/2016 21:01

Spicy

Today, I asked a customer for a number we could call her at to let her know when we'd finished fixing her PC. I'm so desperately lonely that when she wrote it down for me, I got a raging boner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 368

You deserved it 5 458

03/12/2010 03:22

Today, I called up Verizon Wireless to "complain" about my phone service. I really had nothing to complain about, I was just that lonely that I wanted someone to talk to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 090

You deserved it 30 775

24/03/2015 17:09

Today, I arrived at work to find out someone had signed me up to a dating site. Apparently, my inability to speak to women has reached "boss level". Quite literally, as my boss was the one who signed me up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 736

You deserved it 3 405

04/07/2009 05:54

Today, I looked in my pocket for the phone number of a girl I met last night at a party. I remembered us talking and exchanging phone numbers. When I found the piece of paper, I discovered that instead of writing her number down, I had drunkenly written down my own. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 870

You deserved it 46 311

Bad thought

By Anonymous - 24/12/2019 03:00

Today, I found out that my parents have thought I'm lesbian for at least a year. I now understand why my dad has been trying to get me to "hang out" with his co-worker's daughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 778

You deserved it 189

18/05/2016 20:00

Today, I went shopping on my only day off. The only aisle open was self-checkout. I'm a cashier. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 916

You deserved it 1 749

22/11/2011 17:18

Today, I found Jesus. The bad news, he was in the form of a concrete statue falling on my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 480

You deserved it 3 534

30/01/2018 06:00

Today, I ended up in an awkward position during sex and dislocated my knee. My wife accused me of doing it on purpose to criticize her for being too fat and heavy for sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 279

You deserved it 506

17/10/2012 20:08

Today, while mowing the lawn, I was attacked by an underground hornet nest. I now have many stings, two scared dogs, and a mower still running outside. The hornets are swarming it and some are sitting on the lever, as if to turn it off. It's like they know. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 011

You deserved it 1 878

14/04/2009 13:48

Today, during dress rehearsal before the show, I came in with crutches pretending I broke my leg as a joke. I then threw away the crutches, laughed and then fell down some stairs. I am now in crutches with a broken leg. I was the lead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 715

You deserved it 93 377

24/05/2011 04:38

Today, my boss ate a small piece of paper off her desk, thinking it was frosting. I have to work for this woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 462

You deserved it 3 812

15/03/2009 22:45

Spicy

Today, my parents were taking a tour of my apartment when my bird started making noises. It was mimicking my moans from when I was having sex yesterday. It was screaming in my voice, very noticeably. FML

I agree, your life sucks 79 217

You deserved it 29 448

Never name-drop

By Kayla - 16/01/2021 11:02

Today, I had a job interview. I have another job I want to leave, but haven't said anything yet. At the interview, I mentioned where I worked, and the interviewer name-dropped my manager. She then told me he was her step brother. So much for not wanting my manager to know. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 231

You deserved it 164

Wow thanks, I'm cured

By Anonymous - 26/04/2020 23:00

Today, I learned from my father that all I had to do was eat right and exercise and I would be bipolar free. Gee, why hadn't I thought of that yet? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 615

You deserved it 147

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comedicreliever 0

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Sunday 8 March 2009 4:56

Me too, dude. you cannot drink bud light, unless your condition is mild. I went through two years of eating shit, so here's some good brands: the best pasta is made by Tinkyada, find it at Whole Foods. the best bread will be homemade, so get a bread machine, and Pamela's is the best, buy online. the best cookie is homemade from cookie dough mix, 365 is the brand, at Whole Foods. pizza is iffy everywhere, there are no really good homemade brands, and restaurants are varied, I found amazing places where I live in Colorado, but can't help you much. Look at the bright side, it makes you a LOT healthier, although you're kind of FORCED to be. Good Luck.

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Friday 6 February 2009 22:23

You can have rice beer too mate, it's not that bad at all

Comments

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Friday 6 February 2009 22:23

You can have rice beer too mate, it's not that bad at all

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Tuesday 1 June 2010 8:58

is it not spelt ceoliac or something?

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Sunday 4 July 2010 11:42

My dad has the same thing. Sometimes he eats it if he has too but he gets bad diarreah and stomach aches.

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Tuesday 9 August 2011 1:46

44- it's spelled celiac in America

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Saturday 11 August 2012 13:44

The majority of people with celiacs are misdiagnosed... Its a fad. The test is shit and now theres a huge market for gluten free stuff because of the number of false positives. My gf went bread free for a year and a half before discovering she wasnt celiac

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Thursday 23 July 2015 19:08

The test can give false positives, but if you are positive from the test your supposed to get a scope test so they can be 100% sure. They do the blood test first so that you don't have to get a scope right off the bat. Your wife should of did that

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Monday 9 February 2009 22:36

I am in the same boat. Gluten free beer is unholy.

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Monday 16 February 2009 21:04

I feel your pain—been there. My favorite foods are pasta and cookies. It does eventually get easier, but I'll be honest, it takes a while.

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Monday 23 February 2009 9:37

My mom would die if she read this, she's pretty much made herself the spokeswoman for Celiac. I hate hearing anything about it now.. YOUR FOOD SUCKS I'M SORRY. FMYL.

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Monday 23 May 2011 2:24

my life.

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Monday 20 June 2011 17:15

lol it's true

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Saturday 28 February 2009 1:08

It sounds crazy but your body craves foods that it is reactive to metabolically . After a while with no gluten(this will be tough at first but you must be strict about it), you really will feel better and won't crave those foods as much as you think. I find the substitutes breads are almost as good! Good luck dear! As for right now, your life is F***ed

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Friday 6 March 2009 8:19

heartbreaking, seriously..most of these i laugh at, this made me sad.

comedicreliever 0

Send a private message

Sunday 8 March 2009 4:56

Me too, dude. you cannot drink bud light, unless your condition is mild. I went through two years of eating shit, so here's some good brands: the best pasta is made by Tinkyada, find it at Whole Foods. the best bread will be homemade, so get a bread machine, and Pamela's is the best, buy online. the best cookie is homemade from cookie dough mix, 365 is the brand, at Whole Foods. pizza is iffy everywhere, there are no really good homemade brands, and restaurants are varied, I found amazing places where I live in Colorado, but can't help you much. Look at the bright side, it makes you a LOT healthier, although you're kind of FORCED to be. Good Luck.

Send a private message

Thursday 23 July 2015 19:03

It doesn't necessarily make you healthier because they have to add a lot more butter and other substitutes to replace the flour. Also I find it stupid when people eat gluten free if they don't have to because it can mess up your digestive system if you cut gluten completely out of your diet. Yeah eating a couple things gluten free is healthy but going completely gluten free is just as bad as eating wheat

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Sunday 8 March 2009 6:24

Find a girlfriend :D

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Monday 9 March 2009 6:43

YEAHHH I HAVE CELIAC AND I LOVE PIZZA too bad i cant drink beer yet..damn

zcd95 0

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Friday 13 March 2009 3:22

My mom has celiac... she still sneaks pizza and beer once in a while. ;D

Coeliacchic93 21

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Thursday 16 August 2012 0:54

If it is actually coeliac disease then she is so stupid for sneaking gluten, it literally causes damage which can lead to cancer!