Today, I had a mumbled conversation with myself in a supermarket aisle about whether or not to buy a bottle of bourbon. Nothing screams "pathetic loser" like an alcoholic in denial having a debate with himself out loud near strangers. FML

by Andre / 05/16/2011 at 12:37am / Miscellaneous

Today, I realized my 3 year old son, who is being potty trained, has better aim standing up to pee than his 30 year old father. FML

by blewidstepr / 05/15/2011 at 11:40pm / Kids

Today, I went to Subway with my girlfriend. Just as the time came for her to pay, she went to the car to grab her purse. She didn't come back. I found a note on the windshield saying, "It's over." FML

by DMitch / 05/15/2011 at 3:29pm / United States (Missouri) / Love

DreaminOfMusic's comment : dude it's subway just pay for it and get over it. $5 footlongs duh!

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Today, I purposely went offline on Facebook chat, just so people would think I actually have a life. FML

by NoLife / 05/15/2011 at 2:49pm / United States (California) / Geek

Today, I killed a pigeon. It choked to death on a piece of bread I threw its way. FML

by bouda / 05/15/2011 at 2:19pm / France (Centre) / Animals

Today, while driving my new car, a squirrel ran in front of me so I slammed on my brakes. The person behind me didn't notice and rear-ended me. The squirrel got hit by a car going the opposite direction. FML

by Username / 05/15/2011 at 2:42am / United States (Indiana) / Animals

Today, I pretended to not be able to go out with a friend so I could hang with my boyfriend at the movies. When I sat down I received a text that said "turn around" it was her. FML

by marmarr / 05/15/2011 at 1:20am / United States / Miscellaneous

manw's comment : wow. poor squirrel

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Today, after being in Europe for a month, I got home to find my door wide open and all my stuff gone. I called my dad who was supposed to be watching my house. He told me I should have had someone check on my place while I was gone. FML

by jruth7 / 05/15/2011 at 12:49am / United States (Colorado) / Miscellaneous

Today, I realized that my pubes are longer than my penis itself. FML

by Anonymous / 05/15/2011 at 12:41am / United States / Intimacy

bhurberry's comment : :( Cut your pubes then..

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Today, I went to my phone company and had my text history pulled. Why? Because a few days ago my 4 year old daughter told me that, "Daddy has a wife and a girlfriend." Turns out she was right. FML

by Clueless / 05/14/2011 at 7:35pm / United States (Illinois) / Love

Today, I was trying to listen to a phone message I'd received. I was excited because I'd been waiting for the coaches to call me back for tryouts for a week now. Trying to figure out how to listen to it, I ended up deleting it. FML

by ihatelife / 05/14/2011 at 7:17pm / Canada (British Columbia) / Miscellaneous

Today, my sister and I both got "good luck" cards from our aunt wishing us well on our exams. My sister's said "We know you will do well". Mine said "We will love you no matter what happens". FML

by simonjudy / 05/14/2011 at 4:09pm / United Kingdom (Warwickshire) / Miscellaneous

Today, I learned the hard way that an ice cube is capable of ripping the skin off your bottom lip. FML

by bloodyLIP / 05/14/2011 at 3:06pm / United States (New Jersey) / Health