Miscellaneous: The Nutcracker

The Nutcracker

By lalalohan - 17/04/2009 15:19 - United States

Today, I was at a ballet recital with my friend, sitting between her and the mother of the head male ballerina. When he came on stage in obscenely tight white tights I whispered to my friend, "You can see his whole freaking package!" I'd whispered to the wrong side. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 744

You deserved it 64 255

Miscellaneous

Temporarily Embarrassed Millionaires

"Life is unfair…"

Compassionate

By Gem - 11/02/2011 10:59 - Australia

Today, my Dad thought "Joseph" and "Francis" were two people hacking our internet. They are actually the names of my laptop and iPod, which have now been blocked from using our modem. He can't figure out how to unblock them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 504

You deserved it 27 269

By hakura madada - 22/06/2012 19:41 - Japan - Tokyo

Today, I mistook my dog's head for the gear shift while tearing down the highway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 234

You deserved it 27 543

By sexual parrot - 21/04/2014 18:42

Today, my boyfriend's parents' parrot won't stop imitating my sex moans, and keeps doing it whenever I speak. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 516

You deserved it 16 052

Alexa, play "Repetition" by The Fall

By Anonymous - 21/11/2020 02:01 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, I woke up and realized it's still 2020. It's like Groundhog Day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 611

You deserved it 218

By Crud - 06/02/2010 05:09 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of six months dumped me over the phone. I'm in the military and recently had to move away to another fort. We'd agreed that we would try to make long distance work. I'd even offered to buy a plane ticket to come see her each weekend. I've been gone less than two weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 885

You deserved it 2 878

He may be disappointed

By PureFallPain - 23/11/2019 20:00

Today, I am Catfishing a guy on Twitter. I didn't mean to start it, I had an account I use to vent with and I used a pic with a cute girl. He sent me a DM that he liked my pic. He wants to talk on the phone. We have fallen for each other. He thinks, I am 18. I am a 39 year old single mother of 3 kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 469

You deserved it 4 997

By justnance - 22/12/2011 18:04 - United Kingdom

Today, I used so many different perfume testers that I passed out on the bus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 807

You deserved it 35 712

By heart-broken - 03/07/2009 01:33 - Australia

Today, my girlfriend left me. The reason? She's not actually a lesbian. She has been using our relationship to piss off her conservative parents. We've been together for over a year, and I've been in love with her for over five. FML

I agree, your life sucks 74 788

You deserved it 8 720

By poorgary - 18/12/2008 11:46 - France

Today, it's my birthday. It's 6.30 pm. I'm still the only person aware of what day it is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 743

You deserved it 2 705

By F- Forever - 03/10/2017 16:00

Today, out of spite, I wrote "Ms. Piggy" instead of my professor's actual name in the heading of my essay. Guess what I forgot to do before turning it in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 940

You deserved it 4 980

By Anonymous - 07/04/2011 13:28 - United Kingdom

Today, a guy who annoys me walked over. To avoid speaking to him, I pretended to be on the phone and he walked away. A few moments later, my phone rang. I looked around to see if he'd seen me. He had. He was the one ringing me from down the hall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 577

You deserved it 39 853

By willconqueror1 - 22/09/2014 14:25 - United States

Today, coming home from a trip in the mountains, I got a cracked radiator and my car overheated. My dad came to get me, he drove my car and I followed in his. I got pulled over and ticketed for his expired registration. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 222

You deserved it 3 476

Says something about you, probably

By Amanda Howard - 27/04/2020 02:00

Today, my brother, who recently got out of prison after doing time for armed robbery, got a job at Target. I applied to the same Target six times, and was denied every time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 881

You deserved it 155

He tried.

By Anonymous - 09/11/2017 05:00

Today, I rejected a girl I work with because I have a girlfriend. That girl then posted on Facebook that she'd friendzoned me for being creepy. My girlfriend saw the post, believed it, and dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 836

You deserved it 272

By Username - 27/01/2011 03:54

Today, the guy who sits next to me in my psychology class openly admitted to torturing animals as a child. It's going to be a long semester. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 352

You deserved it 2 840

By Jobless - 27/04/2017 14:00

Today, my new job e-mailed to tell me the role was no longer available, leaving me to start my job search all over again. My notice at my current job ends this week. But it's OK, because as compensation for my 'distress', the company sent £100 worth of vouchers... to the wrong address. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 416

You deserved it 252

By Anonymous - 16/02/2012 03:59 - United States

Today, feeling out of shape, I went for a jog. I got mugged. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 209

You deserved it 2 889

By Mel - 27/01/2019 20:00

Today, I found out the guy I was seeing was married, with a kid, when his wife sent me a friend request on Facebook. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 699

You deserved it 294

By Anonymous - 01/06/2010 09:18 - United States

Today, I waited in line at a drive-through behind a man for ten minutes. I got out of my car, cursed at him, and then asked him to give me one good reason why it would take that long to order. The man slowly explained to me that he had a stutter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 177

You deserved it 130 528

By grannysmack - 11/07/2009 09:10 - United States

Today, as I was bent over at my waitressing job an elderly woman walked by and smacked my ass. I looked at her, shocked, and she said, "It was too tempting with you bent over like that, I have a dirty old mind." I didn't know whether to be flattered or horrified. Maybe both. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 784

You deserved it 6 544

By Anonymous - 29/03/2018 15:00

Today, after three weeks in the hospital for a lung infection, I was released. On the way home, another car ran a red light and T-boned my car. Back to the hospital I go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 654

You deserved it 180

Overheard musings

By thanks hun - 07/05/2020 20:00

Today, my husband came out of the bathroom and screamed, "Call 911 because I just murdered this motherfucking toilet!” then laughed hysterically at his own stupid joke. I was on a Zoom meeting at the time. Everyone heard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 899

You deserved it 231

By Anonymous - 08/05/2012 02:52 - United States

Today, I got a parking ticket while I was in the car. I didn't even notice it happen. Ninja cops do exist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 636

You deserved it 6 867

Scooby snacks?

By DogStew - 12/09/2019 18:00

Today, I had to watch my niece’s puppy. The darn dog kept finding turds in the yard and eating them. One turd had worms in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 299

You deserved it 230

Meltdown

By hey Siri save me! - 15/07/2021 04:01

Today, like most days, my mom screamed at me for not knowing the answer to one of her random questions. When I told her she could easily Google it or ask Siri, she went full nuclear meltdown and raged, "I’m not asking that bitch Siri, I’m asking YOU!" The words "batshit crazy" come to mind. FML

I agree, your life sucks 877

You deserved it 81

By Anonymous - 13/12/2016 13:22 - United States - Wilmington

Today, I walked in on my dog slurping my coffee. I'm not sure how long we have been sharing my morning cup of joe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 177

You deserved it 889

By kitkat1740 - 17/11/2015 00:21 - United States - Concord

Today, I called my boss to ask if my paycheck had been deposited yet. He said no, that my grandmother came in to work and picked it up. Confused, I called her. She is holding it ransom until I start calling home every day. I do, but she gets so drunk, she doesn't remember. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 153

You deserved it 1 898

By tinypenis - 04/06/2013 12:15 - United States - Jamaica

Today, while sexting my girlfriend, I accidently sent a picture to her father instead of her. He sent back a link to a penis enlargement company's website. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 784

You deserved it 71 705

By c - 22/07/2012 04:50 - United States - Denham Springs

Today, my boss bitched at me because my body language "indicates that you don't enjoy doing your job". I just have scoliosis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 034

You deserved it 1 751

By virginwhore - 18/01/2015 06:29

Today, my boyfriend's dad called me a whore and said I'm trying to use his son and "steal" his virginity for my own needs. My boyfriend has had sex with over 10 girls and I'm a virgin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 840

You deserved it 3 464

By Anonymous - 10/08/2016 20:53 - United States - Central Islip

Today, the guy I've been crushing on at work finally asked me out to lunch. I was nervous we wouldn't have anything to talk about. He spent the entire hour talking about how amazing his new girlfriend is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 291

You deserved it 1 222

By Anonymous - 21/09/2009 14:26 - France

Today, I learned that "Je suis excité" does not mean "I'm excited" in French. It means "I'm sexually excited"... more or less. I've been doing a lot of exciting things and using it a lot the past two weeks. With my French friends, people I meet, and especially with my host family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 736

You deserved it 14 317

By mish - 22/09/2013 20:41 - United Kingdom - Leominster

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me via Snapchat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 144

You deserved it 4 167

By Broken - 03/08/2010 12:11 - United Arab Emirates

Today, my fiancé invited his pregnant co-worker for dinner. After we finished eating, he sat down and explained to me that her kid is his and that he's been cheating on me with her for 5 months. She had a smile on her face during the entire thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 81 043

You deserved it 4 708

By Anonymous - 22/10/2010 09:04 - Australia

Today, I was walking home down a small street while listening to my iPod. I really got into the music, and started to dance really badly, only to realise there was a car following me, trying to get past. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 204

You deserved it 31 617

Ah, those were the times…

By Anonymous - 27/12/2013 20:50 - United States - Ely

Today, my 19-year-old brother subjected me to yet another rant about how the writers of My Little Pony aren't writing the show for people like him any more, the "true fans", otherwise known as pimply-faced adults who don't use deodorant and only shower once a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 416

You deserved it 4 499

By UnluckyReporter - 17/02/2016 06:35 - United States - Lexington

Today, I lost control of my car on a patch of ice and slid off the road, messing up my car. I was working on a news story about bad road conditions. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 194

You deserved it 2 915

By verycherryfucked - 28/04/2013 22:10 - United States - Bronx

Today, I had to go to the hospital for an allergic reaction. Turns out, I'm highly allergic to cherry blossoms. My wife and I just bought a house and moved into a new neighborhood. Almost every block in this neighborhood, including my own, has rows and rows of cherry blossom trees. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 156

You deserved it 3 565

By Debbie3247 - 07/07/2017 08:30 - United States - Rockaway Park

Today, I taught a high school class on public speaking. When I explained how important it was for a presentation to be polished and professional, one kid asked, "Is it professional for your skirt to be tucked into your underwear? I didn't know they made My Little Pony panties for adults." FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 223

You deserved it 2 148

By lovecrisis247 - 19/12/2010 07:46 - United States

Today, my parents finally invited my boyfriend over for dinner. Everything was going great until my mother asked him his profession. He stuffed his mouth full of lasagna, snorted, and then responded, "I clean shit for a living." FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 088

You deserved it 25 433

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shayansh 0

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Friday 17 April 2009 23:11

Did she say anything back?

mrhahn530 0

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Friday 17 April 2009 23:15

She probably noticed before you lol.

thrawg 0

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Friday 17 April 2009 23:09

FIRST! Sry i just had 2 say but yeah FYL

LackOfControl 0

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Friday 17 April 2009 23:09

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

Show it anyway

secrets15 0

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Thursday 28 October 2010 19:09

read it again she said it to his mom

strangerdanger90 0

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Wednesday 1 June 2011 10:47

/facepalm

ConradKay 13

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Sunday 20 May 2012 19:41

did you actually read the fml?

kkkristennnn 0

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Friday 17 April 2009 23:09

now thats just awkward

buttonbean 0

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Friday 17 April 2009 23:11

lol wow tard.

shayansh 0

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Friday 17 April 2009 23:11

Did she say anything back?

PureGold 0

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Friday 17 April 2009 23:12

What was her reaction? :/

lifeislife_fml 0

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Friday 17 April 2009 23:15

Haha, I would sometimes think that too. I love ballet. (not because of guys' tights, though)

mrhahn530 0

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Friday 17 April 2009 23:15

She probably noticed before you lol.

sLap_fml 0

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Friday 17 April 2009 23:19

hahaha that is dirty!

rachelhuggo 0

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Friday 17 April 2009 23:20

eh that's not too bad

Nearly

Today, I feel like I'm going crazy as I'm in a 2-year relationship with a guy who's 17 years older than me (I'm 23). He's a wonderful partner and I'm totally in love, but the age gap causes monthly, sometimes daily, shifts between wanting to have it all with him, and wanting to leave him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 17

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40

You deserved it 19

Spicy

Today, I found out my husband has to take Viagra to get it up with me. He never needed it with his ex-wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 550

You deserved it 159

Today, my boyfriend has spent all morning claiming there’s nothing to do when it’s raining outside. Sex is always an option, but he’s missed all my hints, including stripping naked and kissing him, because he thought I was on my way to get a shower instead of trying to fuck him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 810

You deserved it 241

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