Today, I went swinging with my friend at the park. Seeing a few... - FML

By xxxdwangelaxxx - 18/4/2009 21:08 - United States

Today, I went swinging with my friend at the park. Seeing a few cute guys playing basketball, I tried to act cute, laughing loudly and letting my hair fly all over the place. Just as they look over the swing broke. I fell on my face, my jeans sliding down, mooning them. They laughed hysterically. FML

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KoBabe

Boozehound alert

Trip Advisor says no

By Kate - 4/7/2011 19:06 - United States

Today, my mom said we are having a party for the 4th of July. Her definition of a party is my grandma coming over. FML

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By whatnow - 1/4/2012 02:52 - United States - Carmel

Today, I fell asleep on the couch while babysitting. When the kids' parents came home, they made fake crying noises to see if I would wake up. I slept like a baby, and by the time they finally roused me, I'd left a nice drool stain on the armrest. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/3/2016 18:37 - Puerto Rico - San Juan

Today, and the 4 months preceding it, my neighbors had been remodeling their house, which meant jackhammer noises every morning. The one day they take a break, my other neighbor decides to start a remodeling project. It'll only be two more months of this. FML

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By - 12/11/2008 08:10 - France

Today, I dropped my keys in the sewer. The spare ones are inside my locked car. FML

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By Thanks - 27/11/2009 23:36 - United Kingdom

Today, I took my daughter to the zoo. I threw a piece of my sandwich towards a very cute chimpanzee. As a thank you, he threw a piece of crap at me, which exploded all over my shirt. FML

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By feeling dusty - 11/3/2018 06:00

Today, my husband and I were about to have sex for the first time in months. We wanted to spice things up by using chocolate sauce during a blowjob, but the chocolate glued his foreskin to his penis and he cried. Safe to say the dry spell continues. FML

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By icyrebel25 - 12/11/2013 23:57 - United States - Mckinney

Today, my mom showed my girlfriend a picture of me crying when I pooped in the bathtub. FML

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By cook for yourself dammit! - 12/7/2020 14:01

Kitchen Nightmares

Today, tired of my husband complaining that my food was basic and bland, I went out of my way to learn to cook using new recipes and fresh ingredients. He complained that I took too long to make dinner, and that the food is "fancied up shit." He can cook his own meals now. FML

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By AtikaSucks - 28/2/2010 19:00 - Tunisia

Today, thanks to my brilliant hairstylist, I ended up with a brand new haircut, which I like to call the "Bowler hat-and-Spaghetti" cut. FML

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By cody4prez - 15/7/2016 18:23

Today, my dad told my mom to hurry up or they'd miss the start of their concert. She said "I'm coming, I'm coming..." and without thinking, I blurted "That's what she said." They're super religious, and I'm now grounded till January. FML

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By love_today - 30/5/2010 02:36 - Canada

Today, I got called a f***ing b**ch by one of my students. I teach kindergarten. FML

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By DogThermoeter - 10/3/2019 18:00

Today, I took my temperature since I've had a cold for a few days. After reading the display, I noticed the sheath had "Lily" written on it. Lily is our golden retriever. It was in her ass yesterday after she had a seizure. FML

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By Ashley - 6/9/2012 12:46 - Australia - Gold Coast

Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time. They jokingly asked me if I was only with him for his money. I didn't hear them properly so I just smiled and nodded. They now think I'm a gold digging bitch. FML

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By Coach - 30/10/2009 13:19 - United States

Today, I was woken up from a phone call from my boss. He asked if I had been asleep. I told him I wasn't, that I was in my car on the way to work. Then my alarm went off. FML

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By ScoobieDoo - 20/3/2009 04:15 - United States

Today, my son said, "Mommy, sometimes my pee-pee goes up like a stick." I replied, "Well, honey, that's normal and okay." I then asked when it happens, to which he said, "Well, sometimes when watching Scooby Doo and Shaggy comes out dressed in lady clothes." FML

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By Tiber46 - 26/5/2013 08:33 - United States - Long Beach

Today, the vet sent me an email wishing my kitten a happy 2nd birthday. My cat died last year. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/2/2013 07:18 - United States - Modesto

Today, I worked up my courage and took an elevator for the first time in my life. Unfortunately, it was also my first time getting trapped for several hours in an elevator. FML

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By FeedTheBirds - 6/9/2017 22:30 - United States - Estero

Today, I bought a delicious $17 lobster sandwich at a restaurant on the beach. The seagull who zoomed in and ripped it out of my hands as I was about to take the first bite seemed to enjoy it very much. FML

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By bruised - 15/8/2015 15:47 - United States - Jacksonville Beach

Today, I had to fire an employee due to his staggering incompetence. The moment I said the F-word, he started fake-coughing, then loudly humming, then went to his desk and pretended not to hear anything I was saying. It took 3 of us to drag him out of the building kicking and screaming. FML

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By spaaaarta - 25/7/2016 20:17

Today, I was washing my car, I decided to be kind and to wash my elderly neighbor's car. As it turns out, her sunroof was open. FML

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By BuggedinBelgium - 24/9/2015 20:15

Today, my sister and I checked into our cheap hotel in Brussels as part of our month-long Europe trip. At 11pm we awoke to the sound of a mouse chewing through a bag of food we'd bought. At 3am we awoke to bedbugs. We slept in the bathroom. FML

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By kmyltd - 14/9/2016 06:18 - Australia - Mount Eliza

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, I remembered I had a Reese's Krispy Kreme doughnut in the car. I orgasmed while thinking about a doughnut. FML

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By wiseoldone - 3/2/2009 01:10 - United States

Today, I am going to an event where I will be meeting quite a few people who will be excellent contacts in my future career. Since I wanted to make a good impression, I did the whole makeup and grooming thing before setting out, I accidentally removed about half my left eyebrow. FML

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By poop - 6/2/2011 18:26 - United States

Today, I asked my ex-boyfriend how things were going since our breakup. We broke up because he admitted he was questioning his sexuality, and wanted to play for the other team. He took the conversation as an opportunity to talk about his new, amazing girlfriend. FML

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By Rella - 15/12/2018 03:00

Today, my boyfriend and I were in the 69 position with me on top and as we changed positions, and I turned to face him, I saw toilet paper on his face that he didn't seem to notice and that I casually had to wipe off his face. FML

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By pa - 21/5/2009 13:06 - United States

Today, my parents bought me a wine glass with "Who needs a man?" painted all over it. Cute, until after dinner my mom looked me in the eyes and asked with complete sincerity, "Kara, are you gay?" My parents tried to get me to come out. I'm straight. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2014 18:48 - United States - North Andover

Today, my little sister decided it would be funny to bend my iPhone 6 like there's no tomorrow. FML

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By Lola - 26/12/2008 06:32 - France

Today, I dressed in my sexiest clothes to meet my new boyfriend at a restaurant. As I was a bit early, I took the opportunity to smoke a cigarette outside while I waited. The restaurant owner came out and said, "Hey, you. Go and 'work' somewhere else, please." FML

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By Anonymous - 7/6/2013 07:10 - United States - Marion

Today, I was getting intimate with my girlfriend. She pulled down my trousers, saw my Poke-ball boxers, and absolutely lost it. I had to lie next to her in bed for the next 10 minutes hearing her howl with laughter while crying "Dickachu, I choose you!" FML

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By lindsaykay - 18/4/2012 00:07 - United States

Today, I had to put one of my preschool students in timeout for masturbating during nap time. FML

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By ohno - 13/7/2011 04:43 - United States

Today, I was invited over to a dinner with the CEOs of my company, along with my two children. My 3 year-old asked loudly why we have two "nose holes", to which my 4 year-old son replied "So you can pick your nose and still breathe!" He then demonstrated. FML

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By Iknowhowtoraisethem - 26/12/2016 01:06 - United States - Woodridge

Today, my 25-year-old daughter, who normally doesn't drive, was out using the family car when she came back annoyed and emotional over the "stupid" cars heating being broken. She said no matter how high she turned it up it was still blowing cold air. I checked and it was set to A/C the entire time. FML

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By USSEYL - 26/11/2008 04:43 - United Kingdom

Today, I was performing the classic 69 position with my girlfriend. I wasn't able to control it : I farted right into her nose. FML

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By mathguy - 3/5/2012 12:16 - United States - Green Bay

Today, I went for a job interview for a building position at a retail store. They saw on my application that I was good at math. They asked me what the circumference of a circle is. Being nervous during the interview, I accidentally said the area of a circle. I didn't get the job. FML

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By paranoid - 6/6/2009 04:43 - United States

Today, I was walking on a path through a park by myself. I glanced at the ground and saw a shadow behind me. Thinking of an attacker, I screamed as loud as I could and began flailing my arms to ward him off. Turns out, it was a jogger. He had to stop due to his uncontrollable laughter. FML

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By soontobedivorced - 19/4/2009 04:05 - United States

Today, I found out that I'm pregnant. My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for a while, and I was very excited to tell him the news. When I opened his office planning to surprise him with the news, I saw him making out with a man. FML

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By ppp - 14/9/2011 04:12 - United States

Today, my boyfriend gave me a gift. A half-used bottle of body lotion that belonged to his dead wife. FML

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By Order of the Dangling Testicles - 28/1/2014 20:28 - United States - Astoria

Today, I moved back into my dorm. My ex-girlfriend, and the guy she left me for, now cohabit next door. Now I get to hear them screwing while I try to do my homework. FML

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By Unreality - 26/1/2011 21:26 - United States

Today, I discovered my fiancé has been telling everyone else we are just friends, yet last night he wanted me to go with him to pick up my engagement ring. I'm supposing the wedding will be a surprise to everyone. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/4/2016 00:33 - United States - Newton Center

Today, my daughter had a vocabulary assignment. She had to find five new words in books and movies. She was watching Shrek, so her first word was "thong". FML

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Top comments

By ohhhhshizzz | 0

#123366 - Sunday 19 April 2009 2:33

Dude the first, first not to call first.
#1 youre awesome:)
Bahaha,
and you know what you kind of deserved that.
laughing loud is obnoxious.
you should have just acted normal, or even went over and watched them play

there are easier ways straight forward that get you noticed.,
but your life is fucked up too.

By CTL_fml | 0

#123402 - Sunday 19 April 2009 2:38

FML has taught me to never try and impress people because bad stuff happens to you when you do.

Also, I LOVE swings. You can never be too old!

COMMENTS

By locoamor | 0

#123350 - Sunday 19 April 2009 2:31

haha! that blows! Poor girl..

Reply

piemasterp | 8

#958130 - Wednesday 17 March 2010 16:23

While she's bent over she might aswell blow them! Fat ass. how do you break a swing?

Reply

effyoubitch | 5

#3316046 - Tuesday 20 September 2011 8:29

Your "trying to act cute" plan was fucking dumb. That shit is not cute.

By ohhhhshizzz | 0

#123366 - Sunday 19 April 2009 2:33

Dude the first, first not to call first.
#1 youre awesome:)
Bahaha,
and you know what you kind of deserved that.
laughing loud is obnoxious.
you should have just acted normal, or even went over and watched them play

there are easier ways straight forward that get you noticed.,
but your life is fucked up too.

Reply

greendaygirl999 | 5

#1004662 - Monday 24 May 2010 1:18

Acting like a bimbo isn't going to get a guys number. YDI

By hootersgirl09 | 0

#123369 - Sunday 19 April 2009 2:34

haha yes

By lizwriteslove | 0

#123374 - Sunday 19 April 2009 2:35

haha that sucks.

By skitz | 0

#123385 - Sunday 19 April 2009 2:36

i can see this being illustrated.

By Kickinchicken213 | 3

#123389 - Sunday 19 April 2009 2:37

geez that sucks a lot.

By babymama1029 | 0

#123395 - Sunday 19 April 2009 2:38

YDI. since when was laughing loudly and having your hair go everywhere, even close to being "cute? " and who swings anymore (except for those who are too young to be on formal...)

Reply

DoctorKyda | 5

#3473323 - Saturday 22 October 2011 23:25

Oi, swings are awesome! xD

Reply

HerpaderpMeg | 12

#4846995 - Wednesday 22 August 2012 7:45

Swings are cool.

Reply

PsychoKittie | 7

#5636933 - Wednesday 21 August 2013 9:07

I will swing forever~!!! WHOOOO

By Commonsenseless | 0

#123400 - Sunday 19 April 2009 2:38

ooh... That sucks. You did kind of deserve it though... Since you were acting unlike yourself. But I feel for you. I mean, that is seriously mortifying.

By CTL_fml | 0

#123402 - Sunday 19 April 2009 2:38

FML has taught me to never try and impress people because bad stuff happens to you when you do.

Also, I LOVE swings. You can never be too old!

By tempaccount | 0

#123407 - Sunday 19 April 2009 2:39

The best part is, I hate when girls laugh and fuck with their hair. It makes you look stupid.
"cute" is for small children, small animals, and catgirls.
Guys want "sexy" or "mysterious".
I do not want "cute" and I do not want "stupid".

Reply

biwinning88 | 1

#2382729 - Thursday 21 April 2011 11:34

I absolutely DESPISE girls who try to be cute, makes me ashamed to be a woman sometimes. just act normal, do you really want to have to fake your personality all,the time. dumb ass