Today, after finally giving up on the search for my lost dog,...

By englishtrio - 18/4/2009 06:45 - United States

Today, after finally giving up on the search for my lost dog, I realized that my neighbors had found her and are convinced that she was a stray. They won't give her up and are now mad at me for trying to take my own dog back. FML

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Animals

Understandable

Fear factor

Alexa, play "Hey! Student" by The Fall

By Mike - 21/2/2009 22:24 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend for the first time, and she asked me if I ever get made fun of in the locker room for my small penis. FML

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By anonomys - 5/9/2011 19:19 - Canada

Today, my husband compared me to his parent's dog. Why? Because when I sleep I fart and scare myself awake... Just like his parents dog. FML

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By pittmanw - 18/7/2016 02:54 - United States - Jackson

Today, I came home to find my girlfriend in bed with another guy. On top of it all he stole my favorite underwear. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/5/2012 11:29 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, I woke up to an email confirming my membership to a dating site. Turns out my mother is as annoyed by my loveless life as I am. FML

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By freaked out - 30/8/2012 08:04 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I discovered why my girlfriend is so obsessed with cutting my nails. She collects my clippings in a jar under her bed. She claims it will keep us together longer. FML

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By Thanks dicks - 7/9/2018 06:00

Today, I got naked in front of a girl for the first time. Too bad it happened when my "friends" pulled down my swimsuit at a party. Everyone saw my penis. I got a boner. FML

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By ohhmydamn - 31/7/2009 21:12 - United States

Today, I found out if you slide down the stairs on a foam matress topper, it just folds under instead of sliding. Then you slide the rest of the way down on your knees and break your nose at the bottom. FML

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By meohmy - 31/3/2011 01:10 - United States

Today, my boyfriend referred me to me as "just a friend" to his ex. They swapped phone numbers. FML

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By Lmop68 - 27/5/2009 05:27 - Canada

Today, I saw my crush waving me over from the other end of the parking lot. I ran quickly to greet him, but in my excitement didn't take note of the giant Hummer backing out. I broke two ribs and all my crush was trying to do was warn me of the moving vehicle I was about to run into. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/9/2009 19:02 - United States

Today, as I was walking through the park I had to yawn. In mid-yawn, with my mouth wide open, I walked right through a spider web getting both the spider and the prey it was eating stuck in my mouth. FML

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By whatabitch - 16/9/2010 16:23 - United States

Today, my ex-boyfriend's mother came up to me at school, yelling and causing a scene in front of everyone for breaking her son's heart. We broke up over a year ago because he was cheating on me. FML

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By unicorn - 12/6/2009 16:49 - United States

Today, I went on a date with my boyfriend. Suddenly he starts speaking gibberish. I ask what's wrong? He says, "I was just talking to my unicorn. He says you're pretty," and winks at me. What have we learned today? The person I like is a freak, and apparently unicorns are real. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/11/2014 16:59 - United States

Today, after driving hundreds of miles to sign the paperwork for my new job, I found out the guy who hired me recently quit, and HR has no idea who I am. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/9/2014 15:52 - United States - Red Oak

Today, as I was opening the door for my boyfriend, I pressed my boobs against the glass to make him laugh. I didn't see his dad standing just behind him at first, but he certainly saw me. FML

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By w_t_f - 18/2/2009 09:16 - United States

Today, I woke up to the sound of scissors. My mom was cutting my hair while I was asleep. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/11/2014 16:35 - United States - Calhoun

Today, while using a public toilet, a guy started pissing beside me at the urinal. The breach of bathroom etiquette then escalated to him taking a long look down at me and saying "Nice sack, dude." followed by him finishing up and leaving without even washing his hands. FML

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By Stigmamma - 27/11/2016 08:54

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to be responsible and put parental controls on the Playstation so our kids can't play adult games or watch adult content online. And now, neither can we. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/11/2014 23:48 - France

Today, while shopping, a lady came up to me and asked if she could borrow my baby because, "Y'know, I'm in a hurry and they'll let me checkout first." FML

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By Jeweler - 26/6/2009 06:13 - United States

Today, my mom put some bubblewrap on my desk because she thought I would have fun with it. I'm 18. It was awesome. FML

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By bornfromhillbillies - 30/8/2015 03:02 - United States - Bourbonnais

Today, my mom saw a picture of the moon and asked me what "those big spots" were. She actually thought the craters were continents and tried correcting me when I told her what they were. Then I almost got into trouble for being disrespectful. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/8/2013 22:46 - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, I got sexual tingles while watching a Subway worker assemble my sandwich. FML

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By Crampon - 27/3/2009 19:15 - United States

Today, I called my mom to tell her: "Mom, I finally got my period!" There was an awkward pause. She was at work. I was on speakerphone. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/8/2009 07:18 - Canada

Today, I saw my girlfriend going into my best friend's dorm room and suspected her to cheat on me so I placed a camera in his room to spy on them. In the end, I discovered that my girlfriend has problems in math and both my best friend and brother are gay. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/11/2017 01:30

Today, I took a well-aimed TV remote to the testicles. My wife’s pregnancy cravings are really bad and I forgot to restock the cupboard with apricot jam and packets of sage and onion stuffing. FML

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By Zippyzoo - 3/2/2009 22:16 - United States

Today, when my boyfriend was about to orgasm, I suddenly sneezed all over his face. FML

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By clewie - 31/8/2019 00:01 - United States

Today, it's my birthday. My dad showed up to my birthday dinner wasted, was loud and obnoxious the whole time, sexually harassed our waitress, then invited my annoying, bratty nephews to come home and spend the night with us. They're sleeping in my room. Happy birthday to me. FML

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By straightlyconfused - 27/5/2012 13:20 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my car broke down and had to be towed to the dealership. Normally, this would be just unlucky but I work with kids and we had been fundraising for charity. I am now sitting at the dealership with my hair coloured purple, red and blue and in ridiculously high pigtails while people stare. FML

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By Stoopid - 7/7/2009 17:25 - United States

Today, I came home to find a BMW partially blocking my driveway. I was already having a bad day, and was upset that some stuck up fool blocked my driveway, so I keyed the driver's side. 5 minutes later my parents show up. The BMW was a graduation gift for me. FML

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By Clauric - 24/3/2010 12:11 - Ireland

Today, the passport office informed me I won't get my passport in time to go on holidays. However, they took the money for the passport out of my account 2 months ago, causing me to go overdrawn, and not pay my travel insurance. The same insurance I needed to get the cost of the holiday back. FML

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By Username - 15/5/2011 06:42 - United States

Today, while driving my new car, a squirrel ran in front of me so I slammed on my brakes. The person behind me didn't notice and rear-ended me. The squirrel got hit by a car going the opposite direction. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/6/2009 11:23 - United States

Today, I finally got a chance to try out my vibrator. I've never orgasmed before with a guy, so I thought there was no hope until my friend gave me the vibrator for my birthday. It was going amazing, better than sex. I was literally 2 seconds away from climaxing when the battery suddenly died. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/9/2009 17:05 - United Kingdom

Today, I awakened from my peaceful slumber in a great mood. I walked into my closet, ready to pick out an outfit for the day, to find my two year old daughter, kneeling on the floor with a pair of scissors in her hand, cutting up my wedding dress - my wedding is tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/12/2010 05:09 - United States

Today, a man dressed as Santa Claus walked by me, grabbing my butt. He smelled of pipe tobacco and pee. He pulled me close to him and whispered, "I bet you're naughty but you feel so nice." I looked dumbfounded at him as he winked and yelled, "You're on my list." FML

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By Rachel - 10/6/2011 09:57 - United States

Today, I was at the park with my daughter. She walked up to a boy at the swings, held her hand out, and said, "Hi I'm Vanessa, and someday you'll be working for me." FML

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By dumbblonde - 6/8/2009 03:04 - United States

Today, I was sitting at the computer when this really annoying fly kept landing on the keyboard. After a while, I took the bottom of a pen and squished it. Twenty minutes later I absentmindedly started chewing at the bottom of the pen. FML

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By allinicolesmh - 8/8/2011 16:03 - United States

Today, my dad said he can't go to my graduation because he has to work. He got fired a month ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/3/2011 19:52 - United States

Today, I spent almost two hours cleaning my fish tank, only to find out that my cat had secretly eaten all of my fish while I was cleaning the tank. FML

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By tenniemo - 11/6/2018 17:39 - United States - Green Valley

Today, I’m pet-sitting for my parents while they’re on vacation. So far, one cat has projectile vomited all over the living room, and another has pooped in their bed. Twice. My parents were not concerned when I called, and said this is normal behavior. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/2/2016 10:29 - United States - Palmer

Today, my mom told me she wasn't an alcoholic because she doesn't get "black out drunk" daily. She only gets drunk enough to slur her words and reek of alcohol daily, so it's okay. FML

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By Grossed out - 8/8/2018 15:00

Today, after giving a homeless guy some change, he offered to give me his bottle of cooking wine if I'd let him suck my toes. FML

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Top comments

By mewzik | 0

#122200 - Saturday 18 April 2009 17:05

Ouch, that sucks
I would definitely get others involved to get your dog back
But how did your neighbors not even know that it was your dog?

By ForestFire0 | 1

#122219 - Saturday 18 April 2009 17:10

That's why you have those chips implanted. To fight back against scumbags like these. What a pair of grade-A assholes.

Comments

By mewzik | 0

#122200 - Saturday 18 April 2009 17:05

Ouch, that sucks
I would definitely get others involved to get your dog back
But how did your neighbors not even know that it was your dog?

tobyraza | 0

#836684 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 3:37

Actually, I wouldn't blame them. To them, it would look like a guy trying to get a free pet, although that's not what it really is.

redsox4021 | 0

#979994 - Thursday 15 April 2010 5:55

complete aholes kick the shit out of those rat bastards

sskarma23 | 9

#3928816 - Monday 23 January 2012 12:03

126- that's a completely idiotic theory. Hopefully the OP got his dog back.

cwl727 | 32

#5889977 - Wednesday 19 March 2014 18:23

To the guy it looks like his neighbors are trying to get a free pet.

By bcmg44 | 0

#122210 - Saturday 18 April 2009 17:07

Steal their other pet.

By greenman_fml | 0

#122216 - Saturday 18 April 2009 17:09

destroy the neighbors and take your dog back. a dog is something too valuable to give up so easily

joanjett | 0

#1310319 - Saturday 28 August 2010 0:00

burn down the house and mutilate the people then burn the evidence. then take your dog

By effyourlife_ | 0

#122218 - Saturday 18 April 2009 17:10

don't you have papers... or something? evidence?
that it's your dog?

By ForestFire0 | 1

#122219 - Saturday 18 April 2009 17:10

That's why you have those chips implanted. To fight back against scumbags like these. What a pair of grade-A assholes.

By musicloverr | 0

#122223 - Saturday 18 April 2009 17:11

steal their cat. or like make a petition and get people to sign it saying you should have your dog back. or like, send them hate mail every day.
losers.

By est91 | 0

#122224 - Saturday 18 April 2009 17:11

doesn't your dog have a name tag?
Or can't you call it by it's name and have it run to you?

Sucks for you tho.
Your neighbors won't give your dog back. LOL.

By itsme88 | 0

#122226 - Saturday 18 April 2009 17:13

You have no proof that the dog is yours? None at all? My vet takes pics of the dogs and it's on all their paperwork. No tags? I'd be calling the police. But, that's just me.

By GR3453m0nk3y | 4

#122227 - Saturday 18 April 2009 17:14

wow that fuckin sucks!!!!
what dickheads
lol theres an ad for "Lost Your Pet?" right next to this on my screen lol

By catatonicsleep | 17

#122231 - Saturday 18 April 2009 17:15

Steal it back, they won't have anything to say it belongs to them so you won't have to give it back, as long as you have proof it's yours