Miscellaneous: Today, I was walking home from when I passed an old woman sitting...

By NotSteve - United States

Today, I was walking home from when I passed an old woman sitting on the curb of Walmart begging for change. I gave her my last dollar and felt good about it. Five minutes later I saw the same woman driving away in a car. I don't even own a car. FML

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Miscellaneous

The smell detective is on the case

Dangling modifier

Season finale

By Anonymous - United States - Lady Lake

Today, my husband was being obnoxious, so I jokingly sprayed him with the dish hose. The floor got wet, and he slipped and busted his knees. Our daughter rushed over to him to see if he was okay, then slipped and busted her head on the floor. FML

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By superconfused16 - United States

Today, while leaving a restaurant, a little boy grabbed onto my leg and screamed, "Mommy! Don't leave me!" Then he looked up at my face, said, "Ewww," and ran away screaming in fear. FML

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By swervelol

Today, as well as for the past two weeks, my brother has been making up songs about farts and singing them non-stop. He's 26. FML

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By bob - United Kingdom - London

Today, while doing our Christmas shopping, my sister showed me a product that she really hated. The same one I bought her for Christmas. FML

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32767

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By Anonymous

Today, I went over to my parents' house with my female, unspayed dog. I guess they haven’t had their dog neutered, because he tried to mount her. When I attempted to stop him, he knocked me into their stone fire pit, splitting my head and elbow open. FML

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By Dumped - United States

Today, I found out that my girlfriend got drunk and cheated on me. After I tried to talk to her about it, she dumped me. Not because she didn't like me anymore or that she liked the other guy, but because she felt "too guilty" and "wouldn't be able to look me in the eyes anymore." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lancaster

Today, I was volunteering at a gift-wrapping booth to raise money for autism, and helping others takes my mind off the fact that my mom died at Christmas. While carefully wrapping a present, offering bows, ribbons, and a gift tag, a snobby bitch said to me, "You're not doing a very good job." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Crystal Lake

Today, my family and I went to feed carrots to the giraffes at the zoo. After I finished my first cup of carrots, I turned back to get some more. Suddenly, I was jerked back and a chunk of my hair was ripped out. The giraffe mistook the orange barrette in my hair for a carrot. FML

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By journeytotheend - Canada - Surrey

Today, I went to city hall to pay for a parking ticket. After returning to my truck, I found a parking ticket on my window. FML

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By ineedalife - Australia

Today, I got so lonely I decided to make sock puppets and play with them. I played for four hours straight, only to be interrupted by a phone call. I didn't answer because my sock puppets were "on a date" and I didn't want to stop playing. FML

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By I hate my job - United States

Today, at work, a customer came in and ordered a "Butterbeer Frappuccino." When I said we serve no such thing, she yelled at me for "lying" to her, saying she knew about our "secret menu." She ended up complaining to my manager and demanded that he fire me. FML

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By it's sharty time :/ - United States - Bismarck

Today, during an 8 hour shift at a very busy bowling alley, I found out I can't trust a fart anymore. I'm only 25. Now I have to finish my shift commando, and also get rid of the evidence without anyone noticing. FML

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12430

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By newdriver - United States

Today, my mom told me to follow her car closely to my aunt's house. I kept really close to her which caused me to get pulled over for tailgating. I explained everything to the cop so he went over to my mom to see if that was the truth. My mom said she didn't know me. I got a ticket. Thanks mom. FML

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By Oops - United Kingdom - Bakewell

Today, I had a hotdog. I thought the skin was a bit tough but ate it anyway. After reading the packaging later I found out that each hotdog has an individual plastic wrapper. I ate plastic. FML

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By friendless - United States - Spokane

#rude

Today, I invited my only friend to my birthday party and she said no, not because she couldn’t go, but because she didn’t want to. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I let a friend cut my hair. I soon went from having a 'fro to looking like I lost a fight with a lawn mower. FML

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By kronin - United States

Today, I woke up in a field 3 miles from where I'd passed out drunk. This wouldn't have been too bad if I didn't have to walk home through town without my pants. FML

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By Anonymous

Et tu, Brute?

Today, I applied for a new job as a maintenance technician. About 10 minutes after submitting my resume, I received a rejection letter. My girlfriend is their HR person. FML

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By GeesLouisee

Today, at 32 weeks pregnant, I found my boyfriend passed out face down in his own vomit. Not only does our freshly-painted game room now smell like a dirty bar, but he also let our 2 strictly indoor cats outside. They have yet to return. FML

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By djangle - United States

Today, my marriage counselor told me I have the communication skills of a Lou Gehrig's patient. FML

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Strange noise

Today, I was awoken at 1:30am by a strange noise, and something tugging on my hair. I opened my eyes, to find a very large rat sitting on my pillow, chewing my hair. FML

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2682

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By Evan Chong - Canada

Today, I went to a concert with a friend of mine. When his dad came to pick him up, I walked towards the car, expecting a ride. His dad told me he didn't have time to drive me home. I'm his neighbour. FML

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By Keaton - United States

Today, I got a bird as a pet. I thought it would be funny to put it on my head and take a picture. When the flash went off the bird flew off my head and pooped at the same time. You could see it in the picture. FML

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By Username - Korea Republic of

Today, I was sitting on the porch of my apartment when my drunk upstairs neighbour decided to take a piss. I got my first golden shower. FML

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By ratqueen - Canada - Brampton

Today, I discovered that catching fewer mice in the traps I'd put out doesn't mean my pest problem is getting resolved. It means that rats have moved in. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - London

Today, while working at the pet store, I had to feed the snakes. I'd thawed too many mice, so instead of wasting one, I fed it to our turtles. They decided to play tug of war with it, ripping it in half in front of several terrified children. FML

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By mr_dinzaster

Today, a dog came into my yard. I bent down to pet him, forgetting I had a burger in my hand. The dog grabbed it and ran. FML

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765

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By Fennec - France - Paris

Today, my coworkers and I were comparing the backgrounds we have on our phones. They pretty much sum up our love lives; everyone else's background is a photo of their boyfriend or girlfriend. Mine's a photo of a lifeless desert. FML

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By Kaluhaluha

Today, I came back from a 700-mile round trip. I hit a massive pothole I couldn't avoid and blew out a tire and bent my rim. I was less than a mile from my house. FML

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2544

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By oldtimerclark - United States

Today, I was talking to my only grandson about how I was going to the dentist to get my teeth fixed and how it was going to cost a lot of money, he replied saying "Who cares, you're going to die soon anyways". FML

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By crowded - 20/5/2020 23:00

Crowded House

Today, my boyfriend asked me to go to his parents' house for the weekend. He didn’t tell me until after we’d arrived that all his siblings and their SO's would also be coming. His parents live in a 2 bedroom, one bath house. So far there are 16 people here and he’s refusing to drive me back home. FML

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2034

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By Kutakito - Sweden - Saltsj?baden

Today, my 25 year old brother dumped all my underwear into the fireplace for interrupting him while he was playing WoW. FML

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46315

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By Penguinsuit

Today, I threw my clothes in the laundry and had only penguin pajamas to wear. My mother forgot to mention that she was expecting a handyman. Guess who got greeted by an adult woman in a penguin suit. FML

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By rutho - United States

Today, I decided to cheat on my math test by writing a couple of equations on my hand. Totally satisfied, I handed my test in feeling like I had aced it. As I was heading toward the door, I happily waved goodbye to my teacher. She saw everything. FML

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By beachedwhale21 - 22/6/2020 05:01

Always save to the cloud!

Today, I finally finished typing up a story I had been working on for about 7 months, saved it on my computer and left to hang with friends. Came home later to find my dad had sold my laptop in order to pay his phone bill. My hard work is now gone. FML

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By a chick in California - United States - Ceres

Today, all my guy friends kept hugging me tightly and then softly and then tightly again. I later found out they just wanted to feel my boobs on their chests. FML

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35094

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By Anonymous - Canada - Sudbury

Today, my phone kept beeping, so I put it on silent and went back to sleep. When I woke up later, I found the guy I went on a date with last night had sent dozens of messages. The first was "Good morning! :)" and the last was "Answer me u fuckin cunt!!!!" I think I'm staying single. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Woodinville

Today, I sat on my own testicles while having a serious and tenderly sweet discussion with my fiancée about our future together. We were both crying, but for very different reasons. FML

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35364

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By Not-pregnant - United States - Melbourne

Today, my dad made me stick my gut out and walk around awkwardly, just so I'd look pregnant and let him get away with parking in an "expectant mothers" parking spot. FML

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43524

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By Anonymous - 6/5/2020 05:00

Stained

Today, I found out that my wife's dog had peed on my side of the bed, while I was sleeping. I thought I had just drooled in my sleep, until I noticed it had turned yellow during the day. FML

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Top comments

By bcmg44 | 0

#122201 - Saturday 18 April 2009 17:06

Sucks when that happens to good Samaritans.

By effyourlife_ | 0

#122212 - Saturday 18 April 2009 17:08

don't trust a ho. never trust a ho.

COMMENTS

By bcmg44 | 0

#122201 - Saturday 18 April 2009 17:06

Sucks when that happens to good Samaritans.

mayumm | 0

#1155469 - Thursday 29 July 2010 6:26

LMAO @ 5, Awww srry OP.. but seriously that was pretty funnyyy :)

qwacktastick | 8

#3131462 - Thursday 18 August 2011 7:53

And this, everyone, is why you don't give money to beggers.

abnormalbird | 11

#5904302 - Friday 4 April 2014 0:14

I agree, give them food/water, not your change.

By lolajelly | 0

#122205 - Saturday 18 April 2009 17:06

should have known better. beggars are a scam.

bmexoxo98 | 0

#1031957 - Wednesday 16 June 2010 6:27

just give them food not money.

Gamera_fml | 14

#6222742 - Friday 6 March 2015 4:20

Words of wisdom

By CoutureGirl | 0

#122206 - Saturday 18 April 2009 17:07

I hate it when people do that.

By ravinderkaler | 0

#122209 - Saturday 18 April 2009 17:07

wat a bitch

By effyourlife_ | 0

#122212 - Saturday 18 April 2009 17:08

don't trust a ho. never trust a ho.

Rizzen | 27

#5777527 - Tuesday 3 December 2013 18:54

don't trust me?

By nato2101 | 0

#122213 - Saturday 18 April 2009 17:09

Never give money to people just begging for it, at the very least they should do something like wash car windows

By GR3453m0nk3y | 4

#122220 - Saturday 18 April 2009 17:11

wow what a bitch
u shouldve thrown something at her car

By thuryn | 0

#122234 - Saturday 18 April 2009 17:16

I think this one is a repeat. What? Did it again? FML is a "How Not To" site for life. You should read the rest of this site before you go outside again.

YDI

By iris85_fml | 0

#122237 - Saturday 18 April 2009 17:16

Same thing happened to me, except I didn't give him anything. Some "homeless" guy was begging for change outside a restaurant I was about to enter. Minutes later, I see him coming inside opening up his Macbook. Lol

By route95 | 0

#122243 - Saturday 18 April 2009 17:18

This is why I don't give actual cash to strangers.