Today, at work I put myself squarely in the lame / old people category when I foolishly asked out loud what FML meant. FML
Today, while working at my dead-end call centre job that couldn't get any worse, I answered a call from a customer who was having loud sex. I still needed to sound professional and tell her when a product was released. FML
Today, I learned that when I start University next month I will have to either pay $900 for an all-access semester-long parking pass, pay $200 for for a bus pass that takes an hour to get to campus, or pay $100 to park outside campus and walk 4 miles to and from class each day. FML
Today, while working as a line cook, one of the servers sincerely asked me, "What sauce goes on a chicken bacon ranch sandwich?" I replied, a little incredulously I'll admit, "…Ranch." She then totally lost her cool and went full-blown adult temper tantrum because I was, "mean to her." FML
Today, while licking maple syrup off my wife during foreplay, I probably shouldn't have referred to her breasts as pancakes. FML
Today, I'm so broke that I had a money nightmare. I'd accidentally purchased a single potato for exactly $22 and it was non-refundable. FML
Today, while I was vacuuming, my cat got scared and tripped me. I landed on the vacuum handle between my legs. Not walking too well right now. FML
Today, my car was totaled. It was so new, I haven't even made the first payment on it yet. FML
Today, while looking at a house to buy, I opened a bathroom door. There was a naked man on the toilet. FML
Today, my theatre studies professor played a soundscape, then had us write what we thought the meaning was. I thought it was a simulation of what schizophrenia was like. Turns out the teacher bet her friend she could convince us that a bunch of people speaking gibberish meant something. FML
Today, I asked my boyfriend to meet me in the park to talk. Just when I wanted to break up, he knelt down on one knee and proposed. I had to reject him in front of a whole crowd of people. FML
Today, I tried to propose to my girlfriend, but when I took out the ring it flew out of the box and disappeared. She's been crying for 3 hours and I'm down 2 grand. I still don't know what her answer is. FML
Today, someone called wanting to talk to my son. My 6-week-old baby is receiving more phone calls than I am. FML
onyinye tells us more.
onyinye 4
Hi, OP here. Someone called and went like "Can I talk to Mr. N****, please?". At first I thought he meant my husband, but it turned out to be my son. I said "Well, I don't think you can talk to him, he is just six weeks old. So you might want to talk to me instead". Turns out he was the assistant of the specialist I had made an appointment with because of an issue with my son's spine (something went wrong during the delivery). He was cancelling/rescheduling appointments, because his boss was sick, and hadn't checked the patient's birth date before calling (they treat both kids and adults). He was very embarrassed, but I just thought it was hilarious.
Today, after finally going to therapy for anxiety like everyone wanted, I discovered the itching feeling that kept me awake at night was actually caused by a bedbug infestation. FML
Today, my neighbor that's going through a midlife crisis showed off his brand new Corvette. He did donuts on my lawn. FML
crawforda350 tells us more.
Today, I started my new job as a UPS delivery guy. I successfully delivered only 3 out of the 25 packages: One to my ex and his new boyfriend, one to an elderly lady who pissed herself because I "rang the bell too loud" and one to a little girl who screamed, "Stranger danger!" FML
patate_fml tells us more.
For everyone wondering, I work in a tiny ass town in France where we don't have much delivery to make compare to others and I had the smallest car of the fleet that day I had 3 rounds of 25-30 medium packages to deliver all of them with a mandatory signature. Nobody was home even though I was in time for each and everyone of them. Only this first round was Horrible the rest of the day (and the week) went more smoothly
Today, my grandmother threatened to write me out of her will because I refused to believe that dogs can perform the Heimlich Manoeuvre. FML
Today, I’m having knee surgery. I can’t drive for the next week because of the heavy duty pain killers, so my mom told me I'll have to walk to and from school. It’s only a couple of miles. FML
Today, I saw that my biological father took his two favorite daughters on a luxury cruise to celebrate his birthday. I didn't find out until the pictures were posted. FML
Today, my brother bragged about the number of break-up texts he sent this week while driving. I don't know what's worse, the fact that he was dating 3 girls, that he broke up with them over text, that he was texting and driving, or that he's proud of his actions. FML
Today, I went out to party for the evening. I came home a bit later than normal, but apparently it was enough that my cat thought she was going to starve, and foraged for herself. She ate a bowl of Hershey's Kisses. I spent my night at the emergency vet, wondering if cat Darwin Awards exist. FML
cacheson tells us more.
cacheson 41
Ok, followup: cat is fine. She had to stay at the hospital overnight with IV fluids to flush out her system. Also, anyone who understands how picky cats are about what they eat would be surprised that a cat would even consider chocolate food... including the emergency vet, who had never seen a case of a cat eating chocolate in her entire 15 years, simply because cats are not supposed to be dumb enough to try eating it. She had also left said bowl of chocolates (which was up on a high shelf) alone for about three months already, so I had no reason to think she would go after it. Needless to say, I now keep all food items out of reach and sight, regardless of what they are. Since the incident, some of her favorite foods I have discovered (that I mostly try desperately to keep her from eating): tomatoes, peanuts, ice cream, raw sugar snap peas (and other veggies), hair, cardboard, string, rubber bands, and cat litter. The best part? After all that, she doesn't believe that kitty treat tuna flakes are food. Too much like paper...?
Today, I forgot to pick up my grandmother at the train station. My mother was livid. My father, moved, told me, “for the first time in my life, I’m proud of you.” FML
Today, while sorting through my deceased mother's hoard of belongings, I found myself holding a necklace composed entirely of teeth. Human teeth. FML
Today, after being moved to three different employer-provided apartments because they all had mold and electrical problems, I requested a bigger bed. The bed they delivered had bedbugs. FML
Today, I walked into a public restroom and, to my utter surprise, saw a lady squeezing blood out of used tampons. We made eye contact, she continued, and I ran out in horror. FML
Today, I asked my neighbor to kindly move his truck because it blocks my driveway and the side entrance to my yard. He responded by throwing a decapitated bird onto my front lawn and filing an injunction against me for stalking. FML
Today, I finally came out to my dad, who is a priest, as gay. He responded by splashing me with holy water to "banish the demon within" me. FML
Today, at work, I had a coughing fit so bad I actually shat myself. What felt like a gallon of liquid crap poured down my trouser leg onto the floor. I work in a competitive office and this happened in front of 30 spiteful coworkers who love posting pics online. FML
Today, I took my transfer student, who I am hosting for her year of study in America, to the doctor. It turns out that she is pregnant, and my teenage son is the father. FML
Today, my mother stopped speaking to me because I won’t let her babysit anymore. Her idea of babysitting is to sit my daughter alone with a tablet and a pile of sugary junk food for 7 hours straight. FML
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