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By Anonymous - 30/03/2011 23:53 - United States

Today, on my 21st birthday, a relative asked me if I was still engaged to the love of my life. The man I spent several years with, gave my virginity to, moved across the country for, who promised to marry me before my 21st, and who swore he was over his ex for good. No, but thanks for asking. FML

agreeclassic 40 529

vote type 1 8 120

By Anonymous - 12/12/2010 02:20 - United States

Spicy

Today, I got married. Tonight, I received the best orgasm of my life. Not from my husband; from the jacuzzi tub in our honeymoon suite, where he was passed out drunk. FML

agreeclassic 40 529

vote type 1 5 065

By inboxbuddies - 16/06/2009 10:35 - Saudi Arabia

Today, my daughter asked me if we could make sticker art. Of course I said it was OK so she went to get some stickers. I wondered where she was going when she walked into the bathroom, but I didn't ask. I left the room and when I came back, her paper was blank and my pads were stuck to the wall. FML

agreeclassic 40 527

vote type 1 5 971

Everyday racism

By Anonymous - 12/09/2014 20:47 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my college did a fire drill, and instructions were given by intercom in English and Spanish. The guy beside me mused, "If they say it in English and Mexican, why not say it in Black too?" That guy is my idiot brother, and he was dead serious. Sometimes I think our parents are related. FML

agreeclassic 40 520

vote type 1 3 400

Great timing, dude

By misswhiskers - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - Australia

Today, it's my birthday. I woke up to a text message from my boyfriend, breaking up with me. When I commented on his impeccably bad timing, he admitted he'd forgotten it was my birthday. FML

agreeclassic 40 517

vote type 1 3 446

By Anonymous - 03/07/2014 00:59

Today, I opened my window due to the good weather. I was lucky enough to listen to the sounds of someone violently throwing up for over an hour. The window got stuck open. FML

agreeclassic 40 515

vote type 1 4 522

By melissa - 10/02/2009 23:41 - United States

Today, my sister teased me about being a mistake baby. When I told my mom what my sister said, her response was "I still love you anyway". FML

agreeclassic 40 514

vote type 1 3 799

By thunder thighs - 11/02/2009 03:11 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was tapping on my thigh to the beat of the music when we were driving to dinner. When I asked him what he was doing he replied, "Just watching the ripples." FML

agreeclassic 40 513

vote type 1 6 298

Gullible

By Idontbelieveinmagic - 17/06/2013 05:42 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my dad refused to believe that the Animal Planet's mermaid mockumentaries were faked. Instead he got into a huge argument with me, claiming the government is covering up the existence of mermaids and must've threatened the producers to keep it quiet. FML

agreeclassic 40 511

vote type 1 5 428

By mjperfetti84 - 22/11/2009 13:53 - United States

Today, I helped an old man with his groceries, because he was struggling and he had a cane. After, I was nice enough to drive him home. He went to thank me by giving me a kiss on the cheek. Then he stuck his tongue out, and tried to French kiss me. FML

agreeclassic 40 510

vote type 1 6 182

By porkabye - 02/08/2014 23:44 - United States - Duluth

Today, upon arriving at a town festival, I was immediately singled out by a rent-a-cop. He began questioning if I had been drinking, saying he smelt it on my breath. He smelt his own breath. FML

agreeclassic 40 509

vote type 1 3 132

Grandma rocks!

By Anonymous - 20/04/2014 21:38 - Slovenia - Domzale

Today, I decided to be nice and pay a visit to my grandma. We ended up playing Scrabble. In between passing wind that smelled like rotting eggs, she kept playing the filthiest words she could, and yelled at me whenever I checked to see if they were in the Scrabble dictionary. FML

agreeclassic 40 508

vote type 1 5 218

By Anonymous - 23/06/2014 22:59 - United States - Imperial

Today, I started a new internship. I couldn't do anything until I was trained, and I couldn't be trained until I had a login. I stared at a wall for three hours. FML

agreeclassic 40 506

vote type 1 4 370

Assumption

By Anonymous - 14/02/2019 14:52 - United States - Hartford

Today, my girlfriend started bitching me out about how public proposals are unfair and how they pressure a girl to say yes. All I did was get on my knee to tie a loose shoelace. FML

agreeclassic 40 506

vote type 1 3 404

By mafille - 19/03/2015 03:22 - France

Today, when I dropped my 6-year-old daughter off at school, a little boy ran up to her so I asked his name. My daughter explained: "Oh, don't pay any attention to him, he's my slave. He's come to carry my bag. See you later, mom!" FML

agreeclassic 40 506

vote type 1 5 531

Nearly there

By baby_trex_arms - 05/05/2015 15:13 - United States - San Francisco

Spicy

Today, I had to play the hot and cold game with my boyfriend until he found my clitoris. FML

agreeclassic 40 506

vote type 1 5 746

By Wakachulak - 30/07/2013 05:55 - South Africa - Johannesburg

Today, a guy on the bus was nice enough to slide over so I could sit down. Right after, he said, "Fair warning though, I just farted there." FML

agreeclassic 40 503

vote type 1 4 146

Wakachulak app_comment_confession_title

Wakachulak 22

Tuesday 30 July 2013 18:31

Funny thing, I logged in to do just that. I had to make the FML short, so some details were left out of course. The 'bus' was actually a company minibus taking people from the company parking lot to the office building and back. There is no room for standing. The distance between the parking and office is 20 min on foot btw. Yes, I measured that. Yes, the guy did take the aisle seat and then scooted over when I got on. It's just a courtesy between colleagues. Honestly, I don't know how it smelled. My sense of smell is so dull, only the most vile blasts register with me. For all I know, he could of just been pulling my leg, in which case he had the misfortune of picking on the one guy that would of reacted to that prank with nothing but a deadpan "Thanks". Oh well, **** his life :)

By Anonymous - 11/02/2013 07:46 - United States - Denton

Spicy

Today, I checked out a "confessions" page for my university. The first confession was from a guy who whacked off in a campus restroom then used a computer in a lab without washing his hands. I work in that lab. FML

agreeclassic 40 501

vote type 1 3 407

By emma209 - 24/01/2012 18:07 - Canada

Today, it's -20°C outside. Half way through my thirty minutes walk to work, my boss pulled up beside me in her car, said "You look cold. I'll see you at work." And then drove away. FML

agreeclassic 40 498

vote type 1 3 242

By Z'ev - 05/04/2013 16:34 - United States - New York

Today, I went to get my car fixed. There was a vending machine in the waiting room, and I was hungry. The snacks were overpriced, but I still had a little money left over. I noticed a bag of Cheetos hanging loose, so I paid for them, hoping to get two bags. They both got stuck. FML

agreeclassic 40 498

vote type 1 10 048

Xtina

By I must suck at singing - 18/02/2014 00:14 - United States

Today, my neighbor had a word with me for being "loud in the bedroom" last night. I haven't had any action for two years now, but I was too happy that she thought I'd got lucky to tell her the truth. So what was I really doing last night? Trying to sing like Christina Aguilera. FML

agreeclassic 40 498

vote type 1 7 108

By Tara - 01/05/2011 00:19 - United States

Today, I went tanning for 15 min at my gym. When I got out no one was there, all of the lights were off, and the alarm started going off. Turns out the people working forgot about me, locked up, and left me there. FML

agreeclassic 40 497

vote type 1 5 658

By overlandparkmommie - 14/05/2009 21:09 - United States

Today, I was so totally stressed out at work that I took my car into the park and reclined my seat and shut my eyes. Soon I noticed the soothing sounds of raindrops on my car and I felt a little better for once. I opened my eyes to see that a bunch of birds had crapped all over my car. FML

agreeclassic 40 494

vote type 1 3 768

By BluesMan1990 - 16/09/2009 10:21 - United States

Today, I was giving a speech to my 300 some-odd person class. All throughout it, people had been giggling and cackling while I was speaking. I soon realized that my pants had been unzipped. I accidentally fell asleep with all my underwear in the washer last night and had gone commando that day. FML

agreeclassic 40 493

vote type 1 21 533

By Anonymous - 20/12/2013 14:27 - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, my boss decided that a mug and a public 'thank you' were a sufficient substitute for a Christmas bonus. FML

agreeclassic 40 487

vote type 1 3 890

By chrono19 - 04/05/2014 10:11 - United States - Bremerton

Today, I got a birthday package from my parents. It was all the stuff I'd forgotten there when visiting a month ago, along with some other things I'd left behind when I moved out. FML

agreeclassic 40 486

vote type 1 5 704

By Anonymous - 24/04/2011 20:55 - United States

Today, it is both my birthday and Easter. My whole family came into town and my mom made a big dinner with all of my favorite foods. After church, I took a nap. When I woke up, all the food, including my cake, was gone. No one thought to wake me up. FML

agreeclassic 40 486

vote type 1 6 867

Damned if you do…

By ritualdevice - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - France

Today, I have to train people overseas to do my job. If I succeed in teaching them what they need to know, then they get my job, and I get fired. If they don't perform well, then as the trainer I get blamed, and get fired. FML

agreeclassic 40 485

vote type 1 2 328

By top dog! - 11/10/2011 20:05 - Australia

Today, I was threatened with suspension from school because of my nose piercing. I had to explain that it's actually a pimple. FML

agreeclassic 40 485

vote type 1 2 939

By myself - 09/02/2015 13:32 - United States

Spicy

Today, it's been about a week since my boyfriend started his new medication, which has essentially killed any sex drive he had. It has also been about two weeks since I stopped mine, making me hornier than ever. FML

agreeclassic 40 484

vote type 1 4 553

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Today, I was texting my mother after my boyfriend broke off our relationship. She offered incredibly supportive replies such as "No, really?" and "Aww, that sucks." before apparently getting bored and claiming she had to go because her "text reception" was breaking up. FML

agreeclassic 30 724

vote type 1 4 899

Today, I gave my boss a ride home from work. I had my phone on hands-free mode, so all calls would come through on speaker. I got a call from the new job I was applying at, with my boss listening to each word. FML

agreeclassic 19 371

vote type 1 6 645

Today, after paying at the gas station, the cashier stuck out her hand, which was clenched into a fist. I thought she wanted a fist-bump, so I gave her one. She just stared back at me. Turns out she was just trying to give me my change. FML

agreeclassic 41 073

vote type 1 16 620

Today, my husband waited until our honeymoon to reveal his scat fetish, because he didn’t want me to think he was too weird to marry. FML

agreeclassic 1 880

vote type 1 179

Today, I took some friends out to the woods to show them a natural spring. I explained to them that the water bubbles up from underground, and that it's clean and tasty. I bent down and drank a few hefty handfuls, only to look up and see a dead raccoon floating near me. FML

agreeclassic 26 015

vote type 1 24 707

Today, I caught my fiance lying about being at work. Furious, I started breaking his things, demanding to know what skank he'd been sneaking around with. He gave me a stack of receipts, saying he'd been Christmas shopping. He's not cheating, just getting me everything I wanted. God, I'm a psycho. FML

agreeclassic 85

vote type 1 1 608