Miscellaneous: Today, upon arriving at a town festival, I was immediately singled...

By porkabye - United States - Duluth

Today, upon arriving at a town festival, I was immediately singled out by a rent-a-cop. He began questioning if I had been drinking, saying he smelt it on my breath. He smelt his own breath. FML

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Miscellaneous

Understandable

Sorry…

Stuck

By marriedwithfamily - United States

Today, I went on my honeymoon to Hawaii. My family decided to surprise my new husband and I by joining us on our vacation. FML

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By eamiller - United States - Franklin

Today, I was complimented on my freckles. I don't actually have freckles, just a load of blackheads that won't go away. FML

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By Sorry? - United States

Today, I took a test. I got up to turn it in, and accidentally bumped into another student. We both whispered, "Sorry." Our teacher promptly gave us detention and a 0% on the test for talking. Sorry for being sorry? FML

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By ouchh - United States

Today, I got out of the shower to find my cat staring up at me. Apparently my swinging penis looks like a cat toy to her, so she jumped up and clawed and tried to bite it. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/12/2020 20:01

No-life

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because he wanted to spend alone time playing FIFA instead of having a relationship. If I ever find the CEO of EA Sports, I’m throwing hands. FML

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By kitty shah - United States

Today, I was having a debate with my friend over tattoos. I used the example that you wouldn't put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari. He looked me in the eye and said, "Yeah, but you're no Ferrari. More like a Prius." FML

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By Derp-A-Herp - United States

Today, my genius boyfriend was trying to remember a particular island in the Caribbean that was used by pirates in the past. I offered up Morocco. I heard him facepalm over the phone. FML

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By oops - United States

Today, as I was out walking, one homeless man sitting with two others asked me for something to eat. Trying to do a good deed, I bought the three men a bag of apples. They then fought viciously over them before the first man chased me for handing them to "the wrong one." FML

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By locker - United States

Today, I was in a hurry trying to get into my locker, but it stuck. After a few frustrating attempts, I finally managed to get it open. In anger, I threw the door open, but it bounced back and hit me in the head. My natural reflex was to jerk forward, giving myself a black eye from the hook inside. I got in a fight with my locker and lost. FML

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By bloody hell - Philippines - Para?aque

Today, my sister and I had a fight. In her rage, she threw piles of dirty laundry at me. One of her bloody panties hit me on the face. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I camped outside of a Best Buy to guarantee I'd get a cheap Blu Ray player. My friend who got there five minutes after they opened also managed to get one. FML

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By shocked1 - Canada

Today, I was doing a local search at SexSearch.com and I found my sister's profile. FML

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By deservedly - Canada - Calgary

Today, I clogged the only toilet at work. Thinking I could escape and blame someone else, I opened the door, only to see a line of people waiting outside. FML

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By Normal - United States

Today, my brother and I got in a fight and he told my friends that I am mentally disabled. They believed him. Apparently, "everything makes sense now." FML

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By Haze - New Zealand - Wellington

Today, my parents finally fulfilled my childhood dream and got a puppy, after years of me nagging at them. The only downside is that I no longer live at home and he's not mine. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Gainesville

Today, I'm so sick, I'm even sick in my dreams. Orientation for my new job starts tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/2/2021 13:59

So young, so jaded

Today, like every day, I scrolled through my social media feeds, seeing happy couples, people buying houses and landing their dream jobs. I, on the other hand, am a single 23 year-old man in a dead end job that still lives with his parents. FML

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By Eric Forrest - United States

Today, while at a work meeting, I finally summoned up the courage to share and express my opinions about unprofessionalism in the office. After the meeting, I went to clean up, only to notice in the bathroom mirror that I'd had a booger pasted across my forehead throughout the meeting. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Saint Paul

Control freak

Today, after over a month of planning, my friend had to cancel her first night out in over a year. Why? Because her "perfect" fiancé didn't want to, and started sulking when she tried to, so decided to put off letting her go out for a few more months. Apparently, it's my fault this happens. FML

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By drivingmecrazy - United States - Stamford

Today, my mom once again yelled at me for "driving erratically". She texts while driving 70 miles per hour on the highway, but apparently driving through a yellow light is "reckless". FML

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By Archie - United States

Today, my friends decided it would be funny to engage the child locks on the rear doors of my SUV. My SUV has a bolted cage for the dog separating the front from the back. Guess who was locked in their own car for 2 hours? FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, a guy I blocked online for sending me creepy messages showed up at my house. I have no idea how he found my address, or even my real name. FML

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By n77 - Switzerland

Today, at work, a customer went to try on a pair of pants. A few minutes later, she hurriedly returned and put the pants back on the shelf without saying anything. I later found out she'd come down with a bout of diarrhea and apparently didn't want to pay for the dry-cleaning. Glamorous. FML

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By Username - France

Today, I was driving to my company picnic with 85 lbs of meat in the back seat, and 1 gallon of homemade BBQ sauce and mustard in large pans riding shotgun. As I drove down a steep hill, the BBQ sauce pan slid forward, hit the glove box and exploded in my front seat. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I accidentally moaned my own name during sex. FML

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By Anonymous

Alone

Today, I was feeling really down and decided to text a friend to vent to someone about it. Then I realized, I don’t have any friends. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Sun Prairie

Today, at the hospital I work at, I had to deliver my best friend's baby. I later found out that my ex boyfriend was the father. Normally this wouldn't faze me, but it did because we broke up last month. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Sanford

Today, my husband came home with a bunch of realistic-looking wigs for women. When I asked them what they were for, he said he wanted to spice up our sex life with them. When I told him I refused to wear a wig, he said in a very serious tone that I wasn't going to be the one wearing them, he was. FML

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By Unproud daddy moment - 19/3/2021 16:00 - United Kingdom

Pride and joy

Today, my wife refuses to admit our 13-year-old son has no chance in hell of getting into college. He never got more than an E or an F on his exams, routinely misspells his own name, can't remember our address and I just watched him spend 10 minutes looking for his lost hat which, by the way, was on his head. FML

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By thatwasmiz - United States

Today, I was at a gay bar and asking a really convincing drag queen about her daily routine. I asked how she tucked her penis in. She responded, "Um, I'm a woman." I said, "Oh I'm sorry, are you pre-op or post-op?" She said, "No, I always have been and always will be a woman, asshole." FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house, when I needed the loo. The door was ajar, so I walked into his bathroom, sat down, and started to pee. I then looked up to see the shocked face of his dad sitting naked in the bath. FML

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By dead - Canada

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years left me because apparently I'm "too beautiful and he can no longer handle other guys always trying to flirt with me." FML

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By Whoneedsgradschool

Today, my parents gave me a letter they'd forgotten about since late last year. In it was a $30,000 scholarship to a local master's program with an application due date of two weeks ago. FML

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By machina

Today, I approached my mother for comfort, because I've been feeling depressed and unloved by anyone lately. She replied, “Honestly, I stopped loving you back when you were a toddler.” FML

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By yesnomaybeso7 - United States

Today, my daughter's handsome new boyfriend came to visit our house. When I opened the door, he asked me where Diana's mother was. I assumed he was about to be charming and say that he thought I was her sister. He didn't. He assumed that I was Diana's grandmother. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Tyrone

Today, my dad asked my brother not to use his shaver so late at night. That wasn't him, and it wasn't his shaver either. FML

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By Gullible - United States - Cleveland

Today, my boyfriend of three years told me he was thinking about us taking a break. After an hour of crying and him saying it would be okay, I accepted it. When I asked when the break would start, he replied, "What are you talking about? I only said I'd thought about it" and then laughed. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Calgary

Today, I decided to face one of my fears. I've never had a birthday party, out of fear that nobody would come. I sent out a mass text inviting people out for my birthday, trying to sound casual. The only replies I received were along the lines of "Who the hell's this?" FML

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By Wino - United States

Today, I went to the grocery store to stock up on booze for the weekend. After the cashier commented on the size my purchase, I claimed to be hosting a dinner party tonight. I'm not. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I asked my boss for a couple of days off to recover from a nasty ear infection which has left me hard of hearing. However, he didn't understand why that would affect my job and refused. I work in a telephone call centre. FML

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Top comments

By gracehi | 31

#6026666 - Sunday 3 August 2014 16:11

"No, sir, it's you who stinks of booze."

I wonder how that went down.

By Welshite | 39

#6026671 - Sunday 3 August 2014 16:19

Ask him you could borrow his beer goggles since he must have the latest generation. You know, the ones that affect your sense of smell.

COMMENTS

By gracehi | 31

#6026666 - Sunday 3 August 2014 16:11

"No, sir, it's you who stinks of booze."

I wonder how that went down.

Welshite | 39

#6026669 - Sunday 3 August 2014 16:17

The OP gave him a field test.

Mystery_Unsolved | 16

#6026769 - Sunday 3 August 2014 18:56

How ironic

cryssycakesx3 | 22

#6026811 - Sunday 3 August 2014 19:58

everything's "ironic" these days...

skittle_QUEEN_YO | 15

#6027442 - Monday 4 August 2014 11:22

Its like raaaaaaain on your festival

Its like a drug teest tesst that you'll always fail

By avertree | 8

#6026667 - Sunday 3 August 2014 16:13

Yeah, sorry OP, that was pretty irresponsible of him.

Nilorak | 24

#6026801 - Sunday 3 August 2014 19:44

You don't say.

A7XCamaro | 19

#6026865 - Sunday 3 August 2014 21:20

You tried so hard to get number one, but you failed.

By noatak | 6

#6026668 - Sunday 3 August 2014 16:15

Classy.

By Welshite | 39

#6026671 - Sunday 3 August 2014 16:19

Ask him you could borrow his beer goggles since he must have the latest generation. You know, the ones that affect your sense of smell.

By vikky538 | 28

#6026673 - Sunday 3 August 2014 16:21

rent a breath...he is loser OP..

By Enslaved | 36

#6026676 - Sunday 3 August 2014 16:27

It is said that vodka is the best liquor to drink to avoid alcohol breath. Experiment time?

jagma_fml | 14

#6026727 - Sunday 3 August 2014 18:02

Heard that too.. i had a buddy who would drink milk and vodka every morning, but the thought makes my stomach churn!

LennyComa | 39

#6026739 - Sunday 3 August 2014 18:30

A white russion fir breakfast. The Big Lowbowski would be so proud

By qdawg06 | 23

#6026677 - Sunday 3 August 2014 16:28

Classy cop....

Awahso | 25

#6026699 - Sunday 3 August 2014 17:03

Not a cop

junkman6 | 22

#6026755 - Sunday 3 August 2014 18:43

Just wishes he was.

sorahearts_fml | 10

#6026857 - Sunday 3 August 2014 21:17

Should have told him "You have no power here".

By ostfaiz | 18

#6026678 - Sunday 3 August 2014 16:29

Cops with a twist! bad experience Op... hope you enjoy later (Y)

By Flaming_Pandas | 15

#6026680 - Sunday 3 August 2014 16:33

Well that stinks. *slaps knee*

Sorry, OP! I hope you reported him to the company from which he was rented.

By ktmla | 14

#6026681 - Sunday 3 August 2014 16:34

More like rent-a-drunk