Today, upon arriving at a town festival, I was immediately singled...

By porkabye - United States - Duluth

Today, upon arriving at a town festival, I was immediately singled out by a rent-a-cop. He began questioning if I had been drinking, saying he smelt it on my breath. He smelt his own breath. FML

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Miscellaneous

Face value

Double standards

Bushy

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my car wouldn't start because of the cold weather. Since I was at a friend's house, I asked him to jump-start it. After taking about ten minutes to start his vehicle and park it by mine, we found that both of our car hoods were frozen shut. FML

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By Boredstoner420 - 14/3/2020 21:00

You give me fever

Today, I got way too bored and stoned, so I created a Tinder profile named "Covid" with a picture of the Coronavirus and a funny description. I'd never had so many matches. FML

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By emmey - United States

Today, while showering at my boyfriend's house early this morning, I saw a huge black spider on the wall. I am allergic to spiders, so in my disorientation I ran out of the shower screaming, slipped, sprained my wrist and bruised my tailbone. Turns out the spider was a clump of hair. My hair. FML

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By pvtcab - United States

Today, my roommate and I had to pay our first installment of rent. He's nowhere to be found. FML

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By Jake Whitte - United States

Today, I changed the date of my birthday to today on Facebook to see how many people actually know my birthday. My mom wished me a happy birthday. FML

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By quickfingers100 - United Kingdom

Today, I fell asleep in class. I'm the teacher. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, it's my 21st birthday. The only person who drank with me was my elementary school principal, who I happened to run into at a bar where we were the only two people there. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Perth

Today, my boyfriend discovered how to make me queef on demand when he has his fingers inside me. I now feel like my love life has been replaced with fart sounds. FML

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By Clumsy - United States

Today, I was doing a fitness test. Though clumsy, I managed to spin around a bat then dash across a balance beam, run through some tires, and walk across a log floating in water. Pleased with my performance, I walked to the bathroom, tripped on my shoelace, and busted my head on the floor. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me out to dinner, which we never do. While at the restaurant he gets down on his knees, looks me in the eyes, and pulls out a little box. He opens it and inside is a note that says 'We're Done.' He then leaves me at the restaurant with the bill and the $2.00 box. FML

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By BoBandy

Today, I finally went to the hospital for a week-long migraine. A few Saturdays ago I went to the park to play frisbee with my friends and coworkers. While climbing a fence, I fell and hit my head twice. Turns out I have a severe concussion and a swollen brain. FML

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By birdiebeth13 - United States - Chippewa Falls

Today, after my shift at the hospital ended, I happened to look into a full-length mirror. My new scrubs turned out to be see-through. Instead of my undies, everyone got a good look at my cellulite-ridden ass. Fan-fucking-tastic day to wear a thong. FML

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By hey-o - United States

Today, I went to the hair salon to cut 6 in. off my hair. When I got there I decided to get my upper lip waxed for the first time. When my boyfriend came to pick me up for our date I asked if he noticed anything different about me, the first thing he said was "I see you got rid of you mustache." FML

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By ow - United States

Today, I was home alone in my apartment. I tripped over my dresser and fell and sprained my ankle. As I was laying there in agonizing pain, my downstairs neighbor shouted at me to shut up. FML

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By bumpinthenight - 20/4/2020 08:00

Amityville

Today, I was painting my new house when my neighbor introduced himself. Mid-conversation, he said, "The lady who lived here was nice, but just couldn't get over her husband hanging himself in the garage. Or her son shooting himself in the basement." I'll never sleep again. FML

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By illuminatzi - United States - Temple

Today, I was running late for work. I forgot my name tag and work hat at home, but my boss is pretty laid back, so I wasn't worried about it. Five minutes into my shift, the district supervisor walked in for a surprise employee inspection. FML

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By PCop - United States

Today, I was bored out of my mind at work. I told my coworker he was lucky to be leaving early. I forgot the reason of his early departure was to go to his grandfather's funeral. FML

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By cortanaisahobot - Canada - Toronto

Hot and… greasy

Today, I told my boyfriend I wanted to spice up our sex life. He suggested incorporating bacon. He was serious. FML

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By O__o - United States

Today, I got stuck driving behind a rather large motorcyclist on a one way road for 30 miles. For those 30 miles, I had a full view of his back fat rolls and butt crack. FML

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By yolomane - 6/12/2019 01:00

He does not care!

Today, I was walking to the bus stop for school. And the bus drove past me, I chased it and fell in a puddle, my boyfriend was in the bus, and he laughed. FML

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By jriese444 - United States

Today, my sister is visiting. She used more toilet paper today than I have in two months. FML

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By badessaymyass - United States - Phoenix

Today, I had my teacher look over my essay before turning it in. He said it was extremely well-written, so I handed it in. When I got it back, the feedback he left said it was one of the worst essays he'd ever read. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my wife read a Facebook article about how oral sex can lead to mouth and/or throat infections, and is now avoiding all forms of sex, in case my penis happens to give her the bubonic plague. FML

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By youwouldbeacat - United States

Today, I was making a nacho and grabbed some refried beans that were in a plastic container out of the fridge and put them on top of the chips. After I’m completely done eating my mom looks in the fridge and asked me if I knew where the cat food was. I just ate a small can of cat food. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boss threw a party for everyone in the office who has a birthday in September. Everyone got a cake with their names on it except me. My birthday is today. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my boyfriend saw me without make-up for the first time we've been dating for two years. He freaked because he didn't know who I was. FML

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By HeSucks - United States

Today, my boyfriend gave me a box of chocolates for Christmas. I thought it was sweet until I noticed the heart drawn on the back. It's the same box of chocolates I gave him for Christmas. Christmas last year. FML

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By NotAnInLawFamilyMan - United States - San Francisco

Today, my mother-in-maw informed us that she sold her house and is moving in with us so we'll "take care" of her in old age. She's in perfect health. We've only been married for 4 months. My wife can't stand her for more than 2 weeks at a time, let alone living with us. FML

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By cockblocked - United States - Goose Creek

Today, I asked my dad if my girlfriend could sleep over. He winked at me and agreed. When I brought her home, we went to my room for a quickie. There, I saw that my dad had taped multiple Richard Simmons posters to the wall, causing my girlfriend to suddenly come down with a "headache." FML

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By 00bsg - United States - Salem

Today, it's my 21st birthday. All my friends and family said they were busy so I figured I was getting a surprise party. Nope. They all were actually busy. I spent my birthday alone. FML

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By ow

Today, while playing paintball, a shot ricocheted off a wall and slammed into my nuts. I told the other team I was out and tried to run out of the field, but as I was jogging to the door I was hit again in the balls. My friend saw this and dropped his gun, laughing. It hit me too. FML

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6586

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By bpruitt95 - United States - Pitkin

Today, I was at a party. Everyone was drunk, and I happened to overhear someone say, "Where's that guy in the black jacket? I'm going to beat his ass!" I wouldn't have thought anything of it, had I not been the only one wearing a black jacket. FML

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By maribel - United States

Today, I got my beautiful daughter ready to be a flower girl for the first time. A flower girl in the wedding of her father, my ex-husband, and the woman he cheated on me with. FML

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51445

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By mathii - France

Today, I was doing swimming practice at the pool. I suddenly got breathless, dizzy, and felt like I was drowning. I cried out to the instructor, telling him I had a weak heart. He shouted back, "I don't care about your girlfriend's problems! Swim, bitch!" FML

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47633

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By Anonymous

Today, I got pulled over and ticketed while taking cookies to the local police station. FML

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1779

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By Anonymous - 30/3/2020 17:00

Run for the hills!

Today, my girlfriend asked me the details for al-Qaeda's plan during 9/11 for an essay. I had no idea and she said she just expected me to know, since I'm "one of those people." I'm Iranian. FML

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By sos - United States

Today, I found out that I can't pass a field sobriety test while sober. FML

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By Anonymous

Cancel Student Debt

Today, I paid $800.00 towards my student loans. That was the minimum payment. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, after a late night at a bar, I stepped into my building's elevator with a Chinese man who was carrying a plastic bag. Without thinking, I said, "Oooh, are you still delivering?" His response was, "I live here." FML

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By sadlysingle - United States - Rockwall

Today, I received a response to my perfectly straightforward online dating profile: "How about changing a dirty diaper, mommy?" FML

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Top comments

By gracehi | 31

#6026666 - Sunday 3 August 2014 16:11

"No, sir, it's you who stinks of booze."

I wonder how that went down.

By Welshite | 39

#6026671 - Sunday 3 August 2014 16:19

Ask him you could borrow his beer goggles since he must have the latest generation. You know, the ones that affect your sense of smell.

COMMENTS

By gracehi | 31

#6026666 - Sunday 3 August 2014 16:11

"No, sir, it's you who stinks of booze."

I wonder how that went down.

Welshite | 39

#6026669 - Sunday 3 August 2014 16:17

The OP gave him a field test.

Mystery_Unsolved | 16

#6026769 - Sunday 3 August 2014 18:56

How ironic

cryssycakesx3 | 22

#6026811 - Sunday 3 August 2014 19:58

everything's "ironic" these days...

skittle_QUEEN_YO | 15

#6027442 - Monday 4 August 2014 11:22

Its like raaaaaaain on your festival

Its like a drug teest tesst that you'll always fail

By avertree | 8

#6026667 - Sunday 3 August 2014 16:13

Yeah, sorry OP, that was pretty irresponsible of him.

Nilorak | 24

#6026801 - Sunday 3 August 2014 19:44

You don't say.

A7XCamaro | 19

#6026865 - Sunday 3 August 2014 21:20

You tried so hard to get number one, but you failed.

By noatak | 6

#6026668 - Sunday 3 August 2014 16:15

Classy.

By Welshite | 39

#6026671 - Sunday 3 August 2014 16:19

Ask him you could borrow his beer goggles since he must have the latest generation. You know, the ones that affect your sense of smell.

By vikky538 | 28

#6026673 - Sunday 3 August 2014 16:21

rent a breath...he is loser OP..

By Enslaved | 36

#6026676 - Sunday 3 August 2014 16:27

It is said that vodka is the best liquor to drink to avoid alcohol breath. Experiment time?

jagma_fml | 14

#6026727 - Sunday 3 August 2014 18:02

Heard that too.. i had a buddy who would drink milk and vodka every morning, but the thought makes my stomach churn!

LennyComa | 39

#6026739 - Sunday 3 August 2014 18:30

A white russion fir breakfast. The Big Lowbowski would be so proud

By qdawg06 | 23

#6026677 - Sunday 3 August 2014 16:28

Classy cop....

Awahso | 25

#6026699 - Sunday 3 August 2014 17:03

Not a cop

junkman6 | 22

#6026755 - Sunday 3 August 2014 18:43

Just wishes he was.

sorahearts_fml | 10

#6026857 - Sunday 3 August 2014 21:17

Should have told him "You have no power here".

By ostfaiz | 18

#6026678 - Sunday 3 August 2014 16:29

Cops with a twist! bad experience Op... hope you enjoy later (Y)

By Flaming_Pandas | 15

#6026680 - Sunday 3 August 2014 16:33

Well that stinks. *slaps knee*

Sorry, OP! I hope you reported him to the company from which he was rented.

By ktmla | 14

#6026681 - Sunday 3 August 2014 16:34

More like rent-a-drunk