By lifesux - United States

Classic playa move

Today, I had a blind date. When I arrived at our meeting place, I spotted my date, because he was the only one in the bar wearing a nametag. I walked up to him and asked, "Are you John?" He responded, "That depends. Are you Jen?" When I said yes he said, "Then no," and left. FML

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Rock, hard place

Inappropriate crush

Whackjobs 'R Us

By Raiders4ever - United States

Today, I saw my son. I didn't know I had a son. FML

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By Maggie - 17/3/2020 17:00

Nice mental image

Today, I had no choice but to unclog a toilet with my bare hands. FML

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By please don't get the succ - United States - San Francisco

Today, at my job as a sailing instructor, I had to stop kids from getting their asses sucked by a pool filter. FML

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By ItsFunnyNow - United States

Today, I took my first Viagra. It worked great, but "Wally, the one-eyed wonder-weasel" would not return to "hiding". After 4 hours, I was in mortal aching pain, and went to my doctor for a shot and sedative. My wife, the doctor, and the nurse could not stifle their laughter. FML

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By Kelsiiii - 11/3/2020 03:00

Cujo 2: Electric Boogaloo

Today, I pretended to be dead in front of my dog to see what he would do. He started to hump me, and when I tried to get up, he growled at me until I got back down on the ground to wait until he was finished. FML

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By wrongtarget - United States

Today, I got chewed out at work when my supervisor showed up, because my coworkers told my supervisor they couldn't find me for an hour and a half. Why couldn't they find me? Because they'd left to go get coffee. FML

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By Katrina - 22/9/2020 20:02 - United States - Phoenix

People are dingdongs

Today, a guest came to the front desk and pretended to have a gun under his shirt while demanding passes to the water park. He was shocked when I had security remove him - he thought it was a funny joke. FML

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By bertthelamb - United States

Today, I spent $20 on a spray tan, $30 to have my make up done, and $50 on a pretty new dress all for a special date with my boyfriend. It turns out I spent $100 just to get dumped. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, while driving to my daughter's wedding, the person behind us kept laying on her horn and yelling every time I stopped for a red light. That person was my wife. Sadly I'm too whipped to stand up to her and spent the whole drive pretending not to hear my passengers snickering at me. FML

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By Old and Ugly - United States

Today, at work as a bank teller, an angry customer complained that the payments on his two credit cards had been messed up the previous month, with the wrong amount being credited to each account. I asked if he knew who'd helped him. He said, "Well, it wasn't you - she was younger and prettier!" FML

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By in this day and age.... - United States - Dallas

Today, the first words I heard from my "good, Christian" future mother-in-law included a salvo of curse words and a hushed rant about "them dirty Jews". I'm culturally Jewish. This bodes well. FML

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By heart-broken - Australia

Today, my girlfriend left me. The reason? She's not actually a lesbian. She has been using our relationship to piss off her conservative parents. We've been together for over a year, and I've been in love with her for over five. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out my grandma wears dentures when I had to fish them out of a cooler. She lost them bobbing for beer at a local bar. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was volunteering at the hospital. This lady was calling the Nurses' Station, and I had to go see what she wanted. When I asked her what she needed, she mumbled something. As I leaned in closer to hear what she was saying, she threw up all over my face. Apparently, she was nauseous. FML

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By jacobscrackers - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend decided that a good time to have our first kiss was on a roller-coaster, right before a huge drop. He bit through my lip. FML

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By itchyyet - Australia - Hawker

Today, a friend who visited me a week ago with "allergy rashes" told me that it's actually scabies, and she hopes I didn't catch it from her. It takes 2-6 weeks for the symptoms to show and I can't use the medication for it anyway because I'm pregnant. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was visiting family in Oregon. I did not know it was illegal to pump your own gas; the cops were involved. FML

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By TuT - France

Today, I found my husband in the bathtub, which was filled with blood-red water, motionless and staring blankly at the ceiling. I started screaming and crying, and he burst into laughter at his "hilarious" prank. He only seemed regretful that his video camera hadn't been recording properly. FML

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By myBFsucks - Canada

Today, I went to the movies on a date. I went to pay for the tickets when I realized that I didn't have my wallet. Instead of my boyfriend paying, he laughed and paid for his own ticket. Then he went ahead and saw the movie without me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boss called me into her office to tell me I needed to mind my own business and not question everything my newest co-worker does. Yesterday, I stopped the new girl from giving $6,000 to the wrong person. I was fired on the spot. The new girl was promoted into my job. FML

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By hs - United States

Today, my fiancé and I had a fight because he wouldn't let me get what I wanted to eat, even though it was my money. He said, "It's way too many calories. I'm supposed to help you lose weight." When I pointed out that I had given up a month ago, he looked at me and said, "Yeah, I can tell." FML

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By *sigh* - United Kingdom

Today, I confronted my friend about the £260 he owes me. He got offended and said, "Friends don't have to pay back." He called me selfish and walked off. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Portland

Today, my pregnancy test came back positive. My boyfriend is no fan of fatherhood, so it was with some hesitation that I called him and let him know I'm pregnant. He replied, "Like hell you are!" and hung up. He now refuses to answer any of my calls. FML

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By bitchyhiccups - United States - Tempe

Hush

Today, I got a horrible case of the hiccups while at my friend's mother's funeral, resulting in me squeaking loudly every five seconds during the eulogy. My friend glared daggers at me until I left the room, then later accused me of being an insensitive bitch for "trying to ruin the funeral." FML

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By Kit - United Kingdom - Swindon

Today, I told my boyfriend I loved him. He told me he was a dinosaur. FML

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By story of my life. - Switzerland

Today, at a party I told this guy that I really liked his pirate costume. Turns out he wasn't wearing a costume, his eye was shot out with a BB gun. This explains the eye patch. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/9/2020 16:01 - United States - Saint Paul

Dash and dine

Today, I was on a dinner date. Went really well. She said she was excited to have date number two. It came to paying. I went up to pay. Turned around. She had gone. Number blocked. FML

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By LifeSucks

Today, I came home to an empty house. I found a note from my wife telling me she was bisexual and found love in a woman. I FaceTimed my sister to tell her about it, and who do I see with her? My wife. FML

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By mat - France

Today, me and my family watched the video of my birth. In the video, when my mother sees me for the first time, she says "God he's ugly!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Newtown Square

Today, I found out my pregnant sister has been watching Teen Mom 2 to find out how to be a good parent. FML

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By ScarredForLife - United States

Today, I introduced my family to beerpong. They especially liked the part about distracting each other while shooting. My grandma flashed me. FML

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By Amelia

Today, I’ve discovered that even if he brushes his teeth for 10 minutes straight, flosses, and rinses with mouthwash, my boyfriend’s breath still smells like a cross between sewage and rotting fish. I’m running out of excuses for not kissing him. FML

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By pooraf - United States - Urbana

Today, I got mugged. I almost felt sorry for him: he got a $15 cell phone, a frozen debit card, a credit card with only $50 of credit left on it, and no cash. FML

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By TrulyYours - United States

Today, I was talking to my boyfriend on the phone. After a short pause I hear him say "I love you." Smiling I say, "I love you too." Then he says, "I was talking to my dog." FML

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By IRum - Russian Federation

Today, my three year old sister asked me to go to the amusement park with her. Since I was late for work, I politely refused and said we'd go tomorrow. She punched me in the nuts so hard that I could barely walk. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I checked the facebook event page that I had set up for my 21st birthday at an awesome restaurant/bar which I had set up a week ago. Out of 39 invitees, the only person who said yes is my boyfriend. FML

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By pathetic - United States

Today, my girlfriend of a year and I had sex for the first time in several weeks due to relationship problems; I came in less than 10 seconds. We're still having problems. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/6/2020 20:08

Sharing is caring

Today, when he came back to bed, I asked my flatmate who I've been sleeping since the start of lockdown, whether he had washed his hands after going to pee. He said he barely touched his dick, so he didn't need to. He likes putting his fingers in my mouth when we have sex. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Hartford

Today, my guidance counselor told me that I'll have to join my school's special education needs sector. This is because I can't attend school properly due to chronic issues with severe pain. So much for my 3.9 GPA and being in the top 5% of my class. FML

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By StarvedForAffection - 13/1/2021 17:01 - United States - Midlothian

Good girl

Today, I had to resort to telling my boyfriend that I have a praise kink, just so that he would actually compliment me. FML

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Top comments

By deviliciousv4 | 0

#747713 - Thursday 31 December 2009 22:53

thats rude. he dosent have to be an asshole.

By gwoodboy | 0

#747719 - Thursday 31 December 2009 22:54

That piece of stool
Is a big old tool
And is about as deep
As a kiddie pool.

He wasn't worth your time anyway.

COMMENTS

By AFewScrewsLoose | 0

#747710 - Thursday 31 December 2009 22:51

ouch.

Reply

Grndslmhttr3 | 0

#749958 - Saturday 2 January 2010 6:36

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

Fritz1130 | 0

#749980 - Saturday 2 January 2010 6:58

asshole
I hope you aren't being serious

Reply

Fritz1130 | 0

#749985 - Saturday 2 January 2010 7:01

that was ment for #98, not the op
FYL

Reply

superboboboi | 0

#974326 - Monday 5 April 2010 8:37

agree with 98

Reply

Hoplaka | 0

#1242917 - Sunday 15 August 2010 3:55

People are born the way they are so shut the fuck up. He didn't gave to be rude OP soz. Fyl

Reply

Harpy20 | 24

#5077078 - Wednesday 24 October 2012 21:47

If he was wearing a name tag, then why did you ask his name?

By deviliciousv4 | 0

#747713 - Thursday 31 December 2009 22:53

thats rude. he dosent have to be an asshole.

Reply

shamille | 5

#748710 - Friday 1 January 2010 14:56

i know. asshole thinks he can get away with judging someone's looks--YOU'RE WEARING A NAME TAG. IN A BAR. that's just violation on top of violation on top of fail and douchebaggery.

i want to stab him in the neck.

By samiixonicole | 0

#747714 - Thursday 31 December 2009 22:53

ouch what a moron!

By Thatk1ddd | 0

#747715 - Thursday 31 December 2009 22:53

That blows..

By v1kt4r | 13

#747716 - Thursday 31 December 2009 22:53

Hahaha burn

Reply

KenzieDanae | 0

#2131203 - Monday 28 February 2011 3:08

The only reason this FML made me laugh was because their names are John and Jen.

By Reyo | 2

#747717 - Thursday 31 December 2009 22:53

ooooo...you didn't say it in that high pitched squeel High School girls do when they're asked to the prom, did you?

By melonkelly | 0

#747718 - Thursday 31 December 2009 22:53

Awwww :( What a jerk.

By gwoodboy | 0

#747719 - Thursday 31 December 2009 22:54

That piece of stool
Is a big old tool
And is about as deep
As a kiddie pool.

He wasn't worth your time anyway.

Reply

Electric_Star | 0

#747737 - Thursday 31 December 2009 23:07

I was thinking the same thing..unless maybe he wrights really sloppily.

Reply

ipwnallmen | 10

#747753 - Thursday 31 December 2009 23:15

maybe to be more polite and not too forward.

Reply

tisiphone_fml | 0

#747761 - Thursday 31 December 2009 23:22

Well put, #8. FYL indeed, and hang in there.

Reply

KassyNicole | 0

#748472 - Friday 1 January 2010 9:46

Alright, Dr. Seuss.

Reply

Secret_Fire_King | 0

#783799 - Tuesday 19 January 2010 8:09

lol @ Dr. Seuss..

but, yeah.. FYL for being so desperate that you're friends had to set up a date for you..

By omargosh | 1

#747722 - Thursday 31 December 2009 22:56

ouchhh!

By Bertha5 | 0

#747725 - Thursday 31 December 2009 22:58

tht hurtss.