By lifesux - United States

Classic playa move

Today, I had a blind date. When I arrived at our meeting place, I spotted my date, because he was the only one in the bar wearing a nametag. I walked up to him and asked, "Are you John?" He responded, "That depends. Are you Jen?" When I said yes he said, "Then no," and left. FML

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Out of it

Walk on the wild side

Who talks to you like that at work?

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I locked my keys in my car. My spare keys are 45 minutes away in my dorm room. My dorm room keys are attached to my car keys locked in my car. Security said they would let me in as long as I had my school ID. It's on my keychain. FML

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By ohhhgross - Singapore

Today, while I was eating, my younger sister came over and sat beside me. She started clipping her toenails. Disgusted by it, I turned and opened my mouth to tell her to move somewhere else, just as one flew inside my mouth. FML

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By anon - United States - Kennett

Today, I woke up and put my contacts in. It appears that I got drunk enough last night that instead of soaking my contacts in contact solution, I used mouthwash. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Roseville

Today, while having sex, my fiancé started talking dirty. I enjoyed it, until he had a brain fart and said, "God, you love fucking my pussy." FML

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By tlm84 - United States - Fitchburg

Today, while out shopping, I could hear what sounded like two grown men talking about me, and they were being pretty gross. I turned around to scold them and it turned out being a dad and his 13-year-old son. He said he was, "teaching a son to be a man, and that my ass was grounds for discussion." FML

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By The Cat Tickler

Today, I was talking to myself and got distracted when I was going to put chapstick on my lips. I took the cap off my deodorant and put it on my lips. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went to the dentist and found out I still have a wisdom tooth. I got all four out last summer... or at least I thought I did. Now I have to go back and get it removed. Again. FML

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By HaliMali - United States - Hastings

Today, trying to do a good deed, I gave a homeless guy a $10 bill. As I walked away, he yelled after me, "You fucking bitch!" FML

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By rainey - United States

Today, my car alarm went off so I went outside to investigate. Apparently, the abundant rain water in my street had swept a trash can five houses down, only to be stopped by my car. My bumper was dented by a run-away waste receptacle. FML

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By Aric - 8/10/2020 05:01

Thanks Felicia

Today, I arrived at the airport two and a half hours early because I was expecting it to be busy. The line was long but I had plenty of time, until a woman complained about a fee for checked bags. I was next in line, and still managed to miss my flight because the woman caused such a big scene. FML

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By tammyg - United States

Today, I took Ambien for the first time. Not only did I not fall asleep, but I took my mother through a list of all the men I've slept with. I do not remember a thing, but apparently I was very thorough. FML

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By cherbear1000 - United States - Newville

Today, I put scribbles, lines, shapes and random words on my calendar just to make it seem like I was busy. This isn't the first time. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was drinking in the park with my friends. Being drunk, I relieved myself on a nearby tree. Unknown to me, a 4 year old was having her birthday party 100 yards away. I was arrested for public intoxication and exposing myself to a minor. FML

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By rbeast - United States

Today, my girlfriend's overprotective parents decided that I'm a bad influence on their daughter. I'm a straight A engineering student who openly speaks out against drugs, alcohol, and discrimination. Their reason? Someone told them I dyed my hair black. They think I'm a "closet Nazi". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my 10 year old brother caught me masturbating and then said "Oh, so that's how you do it!". He then ran to his room and locked the door. I inadvertently taught my little brother how to masturbate. FML

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By scammerssuck - Ireland - Dublin

Today, my girlfriend received a scam email about her great uncle dying and leaving her money. She not only believed it, but she also used my credit card details for it. FML

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By IHateMyJob - United States

Today, while scrubbing my car with the foam brush at a car wash, the hose for the brush came whipping around and smacked me hard in the side of the head, knocking off my glasses. I got disoriented from the blow and stepped on my glasses, completely smashing them. FML

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By nosexlife - United States

Today, I was with my seven year old daughter purchasing my husband a present for his birthday in a few weeks. At the register, in the very long line, I asked her where we could hide his present so he wouldn't find it, she responded loudly with "Hide it in your room! He never goes in there!" FML

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By the long distance guy - United States - Waterbury

Today, I realized how boring and sexually deprived my life is when I found a gas station ten cents cheaper than the one I usually use. It gave me both an asthma attack and an erection, simultaneously. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I ate something really sticky so I had to wash my hands and mouth. I saw a tea towel on the bench so I was wiped myself with that. Then I noticed it smelt really bad. I had just cleaned my face with turps. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Walker

Today, I was using a public toilet, when someone in the next stall reached under, grabbed at my low-hanging toilet paper and pulled at it at an insane speed, whispering some kind of weird chant. Then he suddenly stopped, screamed, and ran out. What the hell happened in there? FML

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By HauntLife

Boo!

Today, rehearsals started for the haunted house I act in. As we were running through the house and reading through our lines, the set designer turned on the hydraulic pump to test something, accidentally causing a tumbling bookshelf effect to go off. Guess where I was standing. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I had to explain to my friend why it's inappropriate to conduct a phone conversation while simultaneously eating a bagel, listening to music, and taking a shit. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I went to the store and bought some cream to help with a sunburn I'd gotten a few days ago. What's worse than having red, peeling, and painful skin? An allergic reaction on top of it. FML

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By KenzoBVB - Canada

Today, I went to the orthodontist, and found out when I was supposed to get my braces off. His exact words, "You'll get them off around Christmas... but we're not sure what year." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my wife has a bruise on her cheek from a nasty trip while practicing her yoga. She now thinks it's hilarious to flinch in public when I get near her, and keeps telling people she "walked into a door". I've gotten more dirty looks than I can count. FML

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By fenris - United Kingdom - Saint Austell

Today, whilst at work, I was serving a customer when her kid runs up to me and throws up. It was a 10-hour shift, I was one hour in. FML

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By pissedandcomputerless - United States - Lawrence

Today, I failed on a school presentation because I was not prepared. Apparently, the fact that my computer crapped itself and started giving off smoke last period isn't a good reason for not having my presentation prepared. FML

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By Taylor D - United States

Today, I went to Walmart to get some acne cream. As I approached the register, I looked in my wallet for the money. The cashier saw that I didn't have enough money, and before I could say anything, he goes "Just take it, I've never seen anyone who needs it that much!" FML

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By "idefka"

Today, I found myself lying to my diary. FML

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By Sebastian20 - Netherlands - Groningen

Today, after a night of heavy drinking, I woke up handcuffed to my bed. My friends who are responsible for this think it's hilarious and claimed not to remember where they put the keys. They took pictures, then left. FML

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By Alpha - Estonia

Today, while I was meditating in my room, I started to hear strange sounds. I was thrilled and thought I was having some sort of profound experience. It turned out my brother had tuned in to South Park out in the living room. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/11/2020 11:02

Good luck out there…

Today, my father said I only voted for Biden "because I watch the news." He's a hardcore Trumpster. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I ran into my parents bedroom after I heard my name and what sounded like painful screams. When I opened the door my parents were on top of each other laughing hysterically. They needed me to find the key to the handcuffs. FML

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By HenryRollinsForPresident - United States - Edmond

Today, I was waiting for my wife in a mall when some kids came and sat near me, wearing band t-shirts. I recognized some, as I was into The Smiths and Black Flag in my youth. I tried to strike up a music-fan chat with them. "Fuck off, grandad" and "Ew, pedo" is all I got in return. FML

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By crap car - United States - Golden

Today, a friend was making fun of our teacher's car, calling it dorkmobile and saying only idiots would own that car. It's the same as the car I just bought. FML

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By batter--up - United States

Today, in a sporting goods store, my mom was over on the other side of the store, when a cute guy came over to talk to me. When she saw this she grabbed a bat, walked over to us and said, "If you ever even look at my daughter again, I will beat you shitless." She was serious. He ran. FML

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By All Dressed Up With No Place To Go - United States - Ashland

Today, I finally lost enough weight to fit into the beautiful dress that I ordered for my senior prom. I graduated from high school in 2010. FML

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By likwidsol - United States

Today, walking to work in a snowstorm since I don't own a car, a man rolled down his window and screamed, "what are you doing you f***ing freak? you stupid b**ch!", while I waited for a green light to cross. FML

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By Anonymous

Burden

Today, after a fight with my parents, I told them I was running away. They said, "Good. Now we have less to pay in child support." FML

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Top comments

By deviliciousv4 | 0

#747713 - Thursday 31 December 2009 22:53

thats rude. he dosent have to be an asshole.

By gwoodboy | 0

#747719 - Thursday 31 December 2009 22:54

That piece of stool
Is a big old tool
And is about as deep
As a kiddie pool.

He wasn't worth your time anyway.

COMMENTS

By AFewScrewsLoose | 0

#747710 - Thursday 31 December 2009 22:51

ouch.

Reply

Grndslmhttr3 | 0

#749958 - Saturday 2 January 2010 6:36

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

Fritz1130 | 0

#749980 - Saturday 2 January 2010 6:58

asshole
I hope you aren't being serious

Reply

Fritz1130 | 0

#749985 - Saturday 2 January 2010 7:01

that was ment for #98, not the op
FYL

Reply

superboboboi | 0

#974326 - Monday 5 April 2010 8:37

agree with 98

Reply

Hoplaka | 0

#1242917 - Sunday 15 August 2010 3:55

People are born the way they are so shut the fuck up. He didn't gave to be rude OP soz. Fyl

Reply

Harpy20 | 24

#5077078 - Wednesday 24 October 2012 21:47

If he was wearing a name tag, then why did you ask his name?

By deviliciousv4 | 0

#747713 - Thursday 31 December 2009 22:53

thats rude. he dosent have to be an asshole.

Reply

shamille | 5

#748710 - Friday 1 January 2010 14:56

i know. asshole thinks he can get away with judging someone's looks--YOU'RE WEARING A NAME TAG. IN A BAR. that's just violation on top of violation on top of fail and douchebaggery.

i want to stab him in the neck.

By samiixonicole | 0

#747714 - Thursday 31 December 2009 22:53

ouch what a moron!

By Thatk1ddd | 0

#747715 - Thursday 31 December 2009 22:53

That blows..

By v1kt4r | 13

#747716 - Thursday 31 December 2009 22:53

Hahaha burn

Reply

KenzieDanae | 0

#2131203 - Monday 28 February 2011 3:08

The only reason this FML made me laugh was because their names are John and Jen.

By Reyo | 2

#747717 - Thursday 31 December 2009 22:53

ooooo...you didn't say it in that high pitched squeel High School girls do when they're asked to the prom, did you?

By melonkelly | 0

#747718 - Thursday 31 December 2009 22:53

Awwww :( What a jerk.

By gwoodboy | 0

#747719 - Thursday 31 December 2009 22:54

That piece of stool
Is a big old tool
And is about as deep
As a kiddie pool.

He wasn't worth your time anyway.

Reply

Electric_Star | 0

#747737 - Thursday 31 December 2009 23:07

I was thinking the same thing..unless maybe he wrights really sloppily.

Reply

ipwnallmen | 10

#747753 - Thursday 31 December 2009 23:15

maybe to be more polite and not too forward.

Reply

tisiphone_fml | 0

#747761 - Thursday 31 December 2009 23:22

Well put, #8. FYL indeed, and hang in there.

Reply

KassyNicole | 0

#748472 - Friday 1 January 2010 9:46

Alright, Dr. Seuss.

Reply

Secret_Fire_King | 0

#783799 - Tuesday 19 January 2010 8:09

lol @ Dr. Seuss..

but, yeah.. FYL for being so desperate that you're friends had to set up a date for you..

By omargosh | 1

#747722 - Thursday 31 December 2009 22:56

ouchhh!

By Bertha5 | 0

#747725 - Thursday 31 December 2009 22:58

tht hurtss.