The Top

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Drama!

By fuckparents - 09/01/2012 23:01 - United States

Today, my distraught mom called me, saying my dad had killed himself and to come home right away. After cussing out my math teacher for trying to stop me and rushing back home in a taxi, I ran into the living room, only to find my parents laughing so hard they were practically in tears. FML

I agree, your life sucks 74 850

You deserved it 3 671

Assholes, assholes everywhere

By badmombadkids - 24/05/2020 02:00

Today, my nephews decided to play with and break the antique hourglass I bought for my mom. It took months to find and cost nearly $500. When I told my sister, she refused to repay me and responded with, "What do you expect, they’re just little boys!" Her "little boys" are 12 and 14. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 592

You deserved it 200

Mind the handbrake!

By Anonymous - 07/09/2021 11:01

Today, I've been loyal to my wife for almost 25 years then I randomly bumped into my high school sweetheart, sparks flew like when we were teenagers, and less than an hour later we were having sex in her car. I feel like such scum. What the hell is wrong with me? FML

I agree, your life sucks 557

You deserved it 8 728

Station 19 and a half

By Madisson Tharp - 26/10/2020 11:42

Today, while working on an ambulance, I got a call from my boss saying I’m fired for being sick too often. I cried in front of every patient for the last seven hours of my shift. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 492

You deserved it 351

Madisson Tharp tells us more.

Madisson Tharp 7

Monday 26 October 2020 9:48

Hey wow I didn’t know my FML was posted but I was in EMT school so the job I got fired from was a restaurant. I had worked for that company for almost five years and the times I called out I had actual doctors notes so I was a little devastated. But i work in a hospital now and make quadruple what I mass there so no worries now!! And yea, he was an asshole

By dorianseiji - 11/03/2015 20:37 - France - Amiens

Today, I ate an apple. My sister then walks in dressed as a witch, and asks, "Have you seen my poisoned apple?" She was playing at Snow White, and the apple had been dipped in the toilet, the cat's food bowl and the garbage can. FML

I agree, your life sucks 563

You deserved it 115

By me - 20/11/2013 15:28 - United States - Bronx

Today, as a part of my autobiography project for school, I needed to have 2 friends and 2 family members each write me a letter. I ended up having to forge 3 letters. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 208

You deserved it 3 846

Ouch

By Anonymous - 03/01/2012 23:07 - United States

Today, I was diagnosed with a clogged milk gland. I am not, nor have ever been, pregnant and therefore have also never breastfed. This condition is caused by my boyfriend's over-active urge to suck on my nipples. I'm in horrible pain, and he won't stop laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 971

You deserved it 6 302

Great

By Jordan - 10/08/2018 22:00 - United States - Boulder

Today, I met the guy who will be my dorm roommate for the fall semester. One of the first things he said was, "By the way, I'm into self-massage, so don't get weirded out if you hear noises coming from my room a lot." Great. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 039

You deserved it 199

But my grandbabiiiiiiies!

By Anonymous - 21/09/2021 02:00

Today, my mother was sneaking through my underwear and found my condoms and the bills from the hospital where I had my IUD inserted. She then started yelling at me, saying that I didn't have permission to not have children and that, "I get to choose, not you." I'm 28 years-old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 350

You deserved it 206

By zoe777 - 09/11/2013 02:54 - United States

Today, my mother not only told me that my ex-husband will be spending Thanksgiving with her and my dad, but that I'm also no longer invited to spend the holiday with my family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 891

You deserved it 4 379

By Benji - 22/01/2009 12:06 - France

Today, my 19 year old girlfriend dumped me because she thinks I'm immature. I'm 30. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 534

You deserved it 65 451

By BlueyedKat - 11/04/2016 17:40 - United States - Huntsville

Today, I gave a presentation to a class of 70+ people. No one bothered to tell me my fly was unzipped. No wonder they were all smiling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 289

You deserved it 2 612

By Argh - 03/11/2013 20:18 - France - Saivres

Today, my car keys are in my house and my house keys are in my car, and I'm in neither. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 928

You deserved it 9 287

Waste of time

By I'mmessedup - 29/09/2021 22:59

Today, after weeks of every excuse not to, my wife wanted sex. It was amazing, and she had at least 3 orgasms. Instead of cuddling afterwards, she got up like someone kicked her and started bitching about all the things she could have been doing, as she got dressed and stormed out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 273

You deserved it 559

By Nikse - 29/07/2009 07:23 - United States

Today, I was at the store with my mother in the facial care section. I found this device that scrubs your face with those anti-bacterial pads. The aisle was crowded and noisy, so I shouted to my mother, "Can I have this vibrator thing?" It went silent. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 370

You deserved it 52 066

By Anonymous - 04/04/2016 22:46 - Switzerland

Today, my boss and I were bragging about our new phones. I unlocked mine to show its awesome display, and accidentally opened a job search app. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 790

You deserved it 7 394

I always feel like somebody's watching me

By Chris - 20/11/2012 05:03 - United States - Lakewood

Today, my ex-girlfriend was supposed to come pick up her things, and while I waited I took a nap. Thirty minutes later, I woke up with two police officers hammering on my door. They'd come to get my ex-girlfriend's things and said they were "watching me." That's the last time I date a cop's daughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 796

You deserved it 3 529

Intruders!

By wtf babe? - 29/06/2020 14:02

Today, I came home to find my husband allowed several of his family members to move in without even asking me. His parents are in the spare room, his brother and wife are in my den and they expect me to make my daughter share her bed with two older cousins. I’m ready to take the kids and leave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 784

You deserved it 174

What ARE you doing?

By mountains - 19/11/2012 00:47 - United States - Pembroke

Today, I awoke in the midst of the night to find my half-naked dad drunkenly arguing with the microwave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 054

You deserved it 1 834

By Anonymous - 17/02/2015 19:17 - United States

Today, I took my boyfriend to a family dinner. Not an hour later, I walked in on my sister giving him a handjob in her room. And what's worse, my first reaction was just to wonder why he'd bother cheating on me for just a handjob. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 561

You deserved it 4 098

Shout the victory

By dogpatch087 - 02/01/2020 03:00 - United States - Ventura

Today, while climbing a mountain, I got to the top and then put both of my arms up in a victory kind of way only to trip on a rock and fall into a cactus plant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 805

You deserved it 513

By Rory - 23/07/2009 04:26 - United States

Today, I got very dressed up and was excited for my uncle's wedding. While standing in line for photos, I heard my dad's voice from behind me say "Who's the hot chick in the brown dress?" My uncle responds "Uh, that's your daughter." Silence. FML

I agree, your life sucks 77 522

You deserved it 4 838

By erockinthesuburb - 16/10/2013 00:38 - United States - Noblesville

Today, I was maced. Not by a person, but rather by one of those automatic air fresheners in the bathroom. It was conveniently placed at eye level, you know, for freshness. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 249

You deserved it 3 304

By michelle - 05/02/2010 19:01 - France

Today, I found out why my boyfriend wouldn't answer his phone last night. He was hanging out with our mutual friend all night. She had been texting me all night about what great sex she was having. My boyfriend was the only person there besides her brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 499

You deserved it 2 824

By Dante178 - 08/12/2011 20:41 - United States

Today, I went to court to file a small claim and found myself at the end of a huge line. The moment I got to the front of the line, the fire alarm went off and we all had to leave the building. The moment I got outside, the alarm stopped and everybody rushed back in. I'm at the back of the line. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 778

You deserved it 3 801

Ant life

By LIFT - 23/07/2020 08:01

Today, my boyfriend accused me of cheating on him and talking to other guys in a Facebook group that’s literally called, "A group where we all pretend to be ants in a colony." When I showed him what it really was, he dumped me for participating in something he said was so stupid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 577

You deserved it 592

By Sal - 05/12/2011 06:57 - United States

Today, I found out I have to give my father-in-law back the football tickets he gave me for my birthday. Why? His girlfriend decided she wanted to go. He didn't get me a different gift. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 429

You deserved it 2 497

Explain yourself

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - France

Today, I received a text message from my wife, who had gone out for the evening with some girlfriends, saying, "I have to take a friend home, she's drunk! I'll be staying at his place. Call you in the morning." Umm… His? FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 342

You deserved it 4 610

By Anonymous - 17/07/2009 05:11 - United States

Today, I thought it was a good idea to go number two while smoking a "cigarette". My ash tray was over by the sink so I decided to just ash in the toilet. While ashing between my legs, I sneezed and now I have a extremely uncomfortable burn on my man member. Smoking is bad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 442

You deserved it 90 867

By mee - 30/11/2011 06:43 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend and I decided to try something new. I ended up tied to the bed, and my girlfriend discovered how ticklish I am. Worst 3 hours of my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 181

You deserved it 8 861

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The Top

Today, I had a date with this guy. I waited at the restaurant for an hour and he didn't show. Thinking he stood me up, I went over to his place and keyed his car. Then I realized the date was for tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 173

You deserved it 154 542

Today, I forgot to do my French homework, but since it was an online worksheet, I told my teacher my internet wasn't working. I told her with an e-mail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 81 884

You deserved it 804 301

Random

Today, I had to ask my sister if she'd shit her pants because the smell of poop was following us around Paris. I don't know what's worse, the fact that I had to ask an eighteen-year-old, or that she said yes and didn't do anything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 844

You deserved it 1 209

Today, I did my first night of open-mic standup. The first 5 minutes went badly, but I don't know if it got any better afterwards, because a drunk audience member climbed up on stage and knocked me out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 366

You deserved it 3 987

Today, in my art class we had to paint a nude portrait of a fat, old woman. About halfway through the piece, and while painting her fat rolls, I realized she was the only person other than myself I had ever seen naked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 202

You deserved it 7 810

Today, tired of my husband complaining that my food was basic and bland, I went out of my way to learn to cook using new recipes and fresh ingredients. He complained that I took too long to make dinner, and that the food is "fancied up shit." He can cook his own meals now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 756

You deserved it 225

Today, my dad called me a "worthless human being", and told me that I'm "better off committing crimes and living life in a prison cell", all because I haven't gotten into the industry I studied for right out of college. I'm currently at a temp job doing accounting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 056

You deserved it 97

Today, I was at the gym and I tripped on the treadmill. Not only did I fall off the machine, I also managed to knock over two other people's water bottles and send them flying across the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 772

You deserved it 189