Intimacy: Today, I took my boyfriend to a family dinner. Not an hour later,...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I took my boyfriend to a family dinner. Not an hour later, I walked in on my sister giving him a handjob in her room. And what's worse, my first reaction was just to wonder why he'd bother cheating on me for just a handjob. FML

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Intimacy

Dangling modifier

Sorry…

Walk the line

By cougar26 - United States - Pullman

Today, my boss had a breakdown and sent me home early. Apparently my voice reminds him of his abusive stepfather. He said I'm lucky he's on medication. FML

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By Mightytall

It's the Final Countdown

Today, I had a very long wait at the doctor's. The three plastic plants in the waiting area have 163 leaves each, the patient information poster on the wall has 127 words, the longest word has 19 letters. FML

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By faitesdesgosses - France - Mantes-la-ville

Today, I asked my 7-year-old daughter what job she would like when she grows up. She calmly replied that she wouldn't have one; she'd just bring her husband round to my place and steal food from me. FML

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By jina - Korea Republic of

Today, the phone kept ringing but there was only silence on the other line. The third time I yelled, "What the fuck is your F*ing problem asshole!? Get a life shithead!" and hung up. Then the pastor's wife called and explained that she mistakingly set her phone on mute. FML

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By Reggie

Today, my mom won the lottery. My biological mom who I only met last year, after 33 years of not knowing who she was. She is sharing her millions with her kids, but that doesn't include me as I "don't count". FML

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By arrow

Today, my math teacher decided to give everyone in the class candy. He skipped me, and when another student pointed it out, his response was "I don’t like her." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, somebody ordered pizza and sent it to the house across the street from them, so they could shoot at the pizza guy with an air-soft gun from the upstairs of their house. I was that delivery guy. FML

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By Beesmakemerun

Today, I made a joke about my electric lawnmower sounding like a bunch of angry bees. It was verified when I ran over a beehive in my backyard. FML

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By whatisthisidonteven - Israel - Ramat Gan

Today, I was scheduled for an interview at a local firm owned by two partners. The secretary told me to be there at around 12:00 to 12:30 pm, so I arrived at 12:15. The first boss told me off for being early, the other one yelled at me for being late. FML

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By undateable - 18/10/2020 02:01 - United States

Oh, he's a "Nice Guy"

Today, I tried to drown out the petulant whining of my idiot coworker as he droned on and on about how, “bitches don’t appreciate good men.” He’s 35, lives at home, still uses the term 'friendzone' and has the hygiene of a sewer-dwelling ogre. I was written up for for snapping and yelling at him. FML

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By Katyness - United Kingdom

Today, the canteen of the company I work for introduced a cash-less payment method to purchase food. To use it, employees must download the app, which is only available for iPhones. I have a BlackBerry. FML

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By iDisable - Australia

Today, my brother thought it would be funny to disable my iPod Touch for 45 minutes. After 45 minutes, I went to enter my password. I missed a number accidentally. 50 minutes to go. FML

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By 5minsolder - United States

Today, I found out that even though my sister and I are identical twins, I'm known as "The ugly one". FML

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By collball22 - United States

Today, I was with my boyfriend and I said that I was self-conscious of my acne. He told me that only one of my zits was noticeable and that it wasn't so bad. In fact he said it looked cool, like a bullet wound or something "awesome" like that. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, is the day of the biggest concert in the state of Florida, and it's also my birthday. I was so excited to hear my mom got tickets. It was for her boyfriend and her. I'm stuck at home babysitting. FML

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By someone - United States

Today, while walking home, the gods were kind enough to grace me with the sight of an old man jogging past me in nothing but a pair of short shorts. The image of his balls swinging to and fro underneath like a pendulum has been forever burned into my retinas. FML

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By longtrip - United Kingdom

Today, I drove 4 hours to see my girlfriend of a year, as she had asked me to stay with her for a few days. When I arrived she told me she wanted to be friends as she liked someone else, but wanted me to stay the few days so we could work on being friends. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at the rehearsal for my wedding, my mother told my bride's mother to fuck off. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I made my young niece lunch. After she claimed to have eaten it all, she wanted to go out and play. I was putting my shoes on when I found part of the sandwich I made her stuffed in my shoe. FML

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By booo - United States - Minden

Today, I had my eyebrows waxed for my senior pictures. After manhandling me, the cosmetologist managed to "accidentally" take my whole eyebrow off. It looks like I'll be remembered forevermore as the girl with one eyebrow. FML

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By PaintedBum

Today, I was painting the bathroom door post. A drop of paint fell on the toilet roll. Guess how I found out. FML

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By "Alittlebitiffy"

Today, my husband insists he'll be able to make a career out of playing League of Legends. He says this with only $4 in our bank account because of his last brilliant career move. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I let my on-again, off-again boyfriend spend the night. For months we had been fighting about his new flame. After he convinced me that they are no longer an item, we had the most mind-blowing sex then we fell asleep. I awoke to him moaning her name. Followed by pelvic thrusts. FML

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By raquelcita - United States - Winter Park

Today, I went to my boss with concerns that my manager is dumping her responsibilities on me. He agreed and told me to just do whatever she wants. She gets paid twice as much as me to talk on her cellphone all day. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Baton Rouge

Today, I was taking my phone out of my pocket when it caught on the fabric and began to fall. I managed to catch it, but also smacked myself in the balls in the process. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands - Den Dungen

Today, I fell asleep while taking a dump. At work. FML

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By Winx - United States

Today, my dad informed me that my prom dress makes me look chubby from the side, gives me "back fat", and that I wouldn't want to go to prom looking like that. I tried to ignore his hurtful comments and tell myself I was beautiful. Then the clasp broke. FML

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By awks - United States - Stuart

Today, I was going through Facebook photos of a pep rally in the hopes that I'd be in at least one of them. I was in one alright. Pulling out a wedgie. FML

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By RC3Welly - United States

Today, I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. I didn't have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assured me that I could pull out. Right when I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled, "BE MY BABY'S DADDY!" I couldn't get out in time. FML

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By ugh, why - Australia

Today, I walked in on my brother jerking off to a breast cancer awareness advert. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found our that my crazy ex, who, after our break up, said to me, "I'm setting my life to make yours hell" has befriended my current girlfriend. FML

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By 00sasori - Canada - Vancouver

Baseless accusation

Today, I was on a bumpy bus ride and had to write a note, so I held my notebook against the bus window to steady my hand. An elderly woman then yelled at me, accusing me of drawing graffiti on the window. The bus driver kicked me off and I had to wait an hour in the rain for the next bus. FML

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By Hatilic_

Today, my idiot of a boss yelled at me because it's physically impossible for me to be in two places at the same time, and that I'm not a magician. He didn't understand that. FML

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By preggo - United States

Today, someone asked when my baby was due. I'm not pregnant, but I was so embarrassed to be mistaken for a pregnant lady that I rubbed my tummy and said "December." FML

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By asshole

Fashion Police

Today, I called a company to see why the dress I’d ordered for my best friend hadn’t been delivered. After doing some digging and ruining the surprise, it turns out it had been. Her boyfriend opened the package, deemed the dress "too slutty" and threw it out. He refuses to pay me back. FML

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By snotface - United States

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. She started panting harder and going, "AH, AH, AH..." and I thought she was about to come. Next thing I know, there's snot splattered all over my face and neck. Turns out it was a sneeze. FML

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By embarrassed - United States

Today, I slipped at work while putting out a "wet floor" sign to make sure the customers didn't slip. FML

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By lds124 - Canada

Today, I went on a first date with an employee from Sobey's who asked for my number while I was grocery shopping. We decided to each bring a friend. I brought my roommate. He brought his girlfriend. FML

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By starfishedasshole - United States

Today, I broke up with my psycho girlfriend of one month. She actually expected me to let her keep the vintage car that I've been rebuilding for the past two years, and when I refused, she threatened to burn my garage down with us still in it. FML

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By katybaby - United States

Today, my husband ran at me, groaning like a zombie. I was so startled that I screamed, punched him, and started sobbing. Now he won't talk to me because this is 'the first step on the road of domestic violence'. FML

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Top comments

By _kyleG_ | 34

#6205289 - Wednesday 18 February 2015 0:16

Who the hell just gives a handjob anyway? That's about as exciting as cheating on your diet with broccoli soda.

By gracehi | 31

#6205291 - Wednesday 18 February 2015 0:16

Hey, you can't expect your sister to go all the way on a first date. What kind of a girl do you think she is?

COMMENTS

By MissyPastaCreeps | 16

#6205270 - Wednesday 18 February 2015 0:09

Wow...

incoherentrmblr | 21

#6205517 - Wednesday 18 February 2015 5:03

Counter with a blowjob...

1PersonIsMyWorld | 22

#6205529 - Wednesday 18 February 2015 5:17

ya my sister did the same thing to me. . except he was my fiance. fuck family.

Miss_Whipped | 43

#6207481 - Friday 20 February 2015 6:11

I think he did just that.

By UserOfTheMind | 24

#6205271 - Wednesday 18 February 2015 0:10

Ouch. That sucks op! I hope you dumped him.

KeannaLove | 32

#6205314 - Wednesday 18 February 2015 0:32

Yeah it just rubbed OP the wrong way.

kmaheynoway | 25

#6205391 - Wednesday 18 February 2015 1:42

It rubbed her boyfriend the right way, though.

sarahthepony | 5

#6205475 - Wednesday 18 February 2015 4:28

That's the best thing I've read all day.

anonymous100000 | 17

#6205546 - Wednesday 18 February 2015 5:40

and disowned your sister

mackdeezy | 21

#6205640 - Wednesday 18 February 2015 8:37

Welp, ive got to hand it to your sister... not cool at all

Although, not as much as she's handing it to your boyfriend.

By kstephens2326 | 15

#6205275 - Wednesday 18 February 2015 0:11

Aww that sucks so bad. Not only is he a jerk but your sister doing something like that to you also. I'm sorry op

JayVicious | 20

#6205476 - Wednesday 18 February 2015 4:28

her sister is a jerk for jerking him off

PSYqualiac | 17

#6217819 - Sunday 1 March 2015 12:46

#53 What a jerk off!

By jkp1291 | 25

#6205276 - Wednesday 18 February 2015 0:12

Actually that's a pretty good question. If the fuckers gonna cheat, he better 'cheat.' Now it's just awkward.

Ms_ValS | 27

#6205359 - Wednesday 18 February 2015 1:13

Yeah if only he had fucked her sister on the dinner table while the family ate. Then she'd have a reason to be angry.

jkp1291 | 25

#6205413 - Wednesday 18 February 2015 2:16

Exactly

JayVicious | 20

#6205478 - Wednesday 18 February 2015 4:29

well that would be dinner and a show.

badgercheese94 | 16

#6205590 - Wednesday 18 February 2015 6:54

Actually its better for the cheater to only get a handjob in a real situation, as it is less likely to get an STD which could be transferred to the girlfriend

mackdeezy | 21

#6205642 - Wednesday 18 February 2015 8:38

I think you're being a tad too hopeful OP still wants to be with this guy, much less fuck this guy

Mauskau | 35

#6205701 - Wednesday 18 February 2015 9:49

If it's a handjob why even bother? Just do it yourself :s

By gary8082 | 14

#6205283 - Wednesday 18 February 2015 0:14

What a jerk off!

maximus_prime | 24

#6205777 - Wednesday 18 February 2015 11:47

His name might be Hancock and her sister misunderstood.

By _kyleG_ | 34

#6205289 - Wednesday 18 February 2015 0:16

Who the hell just gives a handjob anyway? That's about as exciting as cheating on your diet with broccoli soda.

lochiamochia | 25

#6205458 - Wednesday 18 February 2015 3:55

If OP's sister is in middle or high school, it would make more sense that she may start off at a hand job. But it's hard to imagine that they hadn't been together prior to this event.