Today, I did my first night of open-mic standup. The first 5...

By Anonymous - 21/1/2015 05:34

Today, I did my first night of open-mic standup. The first 5 minutes went badly, but I don't know if it got any better afterwards, because a drunk audience member climbed up on stage and knocked me out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32216

You deserved it

3960

Favorite

Work

Nice neighborhood

Fairytale ending

You snooze, you lose

By pda - 25/8/2013 02:46 - United States - Short Hills

Today, I was at an amusement park with my kids, when a girl in line next to us slipped a hand down her boyfriend's pants and started groping him. I politely asked her to stop, to which she snorted, "Why? Your kids've gotta learn the birds and bees somehow." FML

I agree, your life sucks

52989

You deserved it

4596

Favorite

By confused - 4/2/2010 16:12 - France

Today, my boyfriend of 5 years spent a whole hour making me promise that if he ever died, I would never try to find someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33039

You deserved it

4512

Favorite

By Seamstressed - 9/2/2017 20:00 - Italy

It's called fashion, OK? Look it up.

Today, I was sewing a top. Due to a mistake, I had to unstitch the zipper and resew it. When I was almost done, I noticed that the zipper was upside down. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6141

You deserved it

1191

Favorite

By Anonymous - 7/6/2009 23:15 - United States

Today, I found out my mom paid my best friend $20 to be my friend when we were 10. FML

I agree, your life sucks

143077

You deserved it

8134

Favorite

By ChangMu - 1/5/2013 06:40 - United States - Des Moines

Today, I had to go buy diaper rash cream. For myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39286

You deserved it

7453

Favorite

By moutz - 20/7/2009 07:13 - Australia

Today, I met with an important client to talk about his stake in the company. The guy was at least 80 years old. After taking care of business we spoke about my final year at the company. As he got up to leave he said "Good luck in your final year". Without thinking, I replied "You too". FML

I agree, your life sucks

38242

You deserved it

15287

Favorite

By Anonymous - 26/1/2011 14:41 - United States

Today, I was denied food stamp assistance. Apparently, you need to work 20 hours a week while being a full time student to qualify or have a work study. I was recently suspended from my work study for calling off because my aunt died, and if I worked 20 hours a week, why would I need food stamps? FML

I agree, your life sucks

30017

You deserved it

5836

Favorite

By No.Life. - 14/7/2010 04:09 - United States

Today, I decided not to go on Facebook so people would actually think that I have a life. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16496

You deserved it

32477

Favorite

By daniella101 - 28/6/2012 18:11 - United States - Lacombe

Today, my boyfriend finally met my brother. He arrested him for drunk driving. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29116

You deserved it

3602

Favorite

By Yes - 24/11/2009 16:08 - United States

Today, my boyfriend called me to come over because we "needed to talk." Going down the stairs, I tripped and fell. I woke up from unconsciousness with a hurting leg and my boyfriend standing over me. Just as I was about to smile and ask for a kiss, he said, "Maybe we should take a break" and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34348

You deserved it

3342

Favorite

By lulu - 11/2/2012 10:19 - United States

Today, my dog attacked me because I had a chicken costume on for a party. I'm currently in a hospital, dressed as a chicken, waiting for medical assistance. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30161

You deserved it

4683

Favorite

By dk_2k16 - 12/4/2016 20:29 - United States - Hattiesburg

Today, I went to take my permit test. I had been studying for months and was familiar with the whole book. When I sat down to take my test, I didn't recognize any of the questions. I went home and found out the book I used to study was the book my mom used to take her test in 1970. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15451

You deserved it

18584

Favorite

By Anonymous - 5/7/2020 05:02

Bye bye Tiddles

Today, while I was driving around the neighborhood, I passed my neighbors' house only to see their dog with a full-grown dead cat in its mouth. Only one family owns a cat in our neighborhood. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1102

You deserved it

Favorite

By jeremiah - 6/11/2011 08:21 - Australia

Today, I let my brother borrow my car, as he had a job interview. I told him the tank was nearly empty and gave him $20 to put some petrol in it. Ten minutes later, he calls me, saying the car won't start. He filled it up with diesel. It's a petrol car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36637

You deserved it

4603

Favorite

By toastynippies - 24/2/2015 19:32 - United States

Today, my mom sent me a pic of a blank paper, saying it was a drawing of all the people who wanted to date me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36085

You deserved it

3192

Favorite

By Anonymous - 10/5/2011 05:12

Today, I learned what a nail gun shooting my leg feels like. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33125

You deserved it

11932

Favorite

By Anonymous - 30/10/2012 23:42 - United States - Bowling Green

Today, I met someone really cool and their departing words were, for some odd reason, "We should totally be friends, I mean unless you're schizophrenic or something, haha!" I have schizophrenia. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30953

You deserved it

2408

Favorite

By fuglyphotographer - 23/10/2011 18:05 - United Kingdom

Today, I uploaded my latest picture onto a photography website. It only got one comment, and even that was from someone advising me to never use the same hideous model ever again. It was a self-portrait. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30080

You deserved it

4642

Favorite

By frustrated - 29/6/2011 12:59 - United Kingdom

Today, my boss yelled at me for ruining the report she was supposed to write with my "terrible spelling and grammar". I've checked it thoroughly, and all of her 'corrections' are wrong. She doesn’t believe me, and is refusing to look at a dictionary. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38560

You deserved it

2729

Favorite

By Dkim620 - 7/1/2013 03:16 - United States

Today, I was running on the treadmill at my local gym when I saw a girl I like a lot. I called out to her to say hi. As she was coming over, I accidentally stepped on the belt with one foot, crashed down on the treadmill, and continued to slide down in front of her, emerging with a gashed knee and arm. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26392

You deserved it

4336

Favorite

By great idea - 11/4/2013 00:40 - Canada - Calgary

Today, my social teacher thought it would be a great idea to have a casual debate about Margaret Thatcher and her legacy. Within 10 minutes, the entire class was yelling, screaming, throwing stuff at each other. I got hit in the face with a binder. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41323

You deserved it

3813

Favorite

By StillFriendless - 25/11/2016 15:20

Today, I was so desperate for a friend that I posted a Craigslist ad to find one. Now my phone's filled with spam and I still don't have any friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9579

You deserved it

2757

Favorite

By Anonymous - 17/5/2009 13:21 - United States

Today, I was in the dressing room of my favorite store. While looking in the mirror at a shirt I really like, the fire alarm went off. In a panic, I ran out of the store like everyone else. The sensor went off on my shirt and I was banned from the store for attempted theft. FML

I agree, your life sucks

59483

You deserved it

4784

Favorite

By Anonymous - 10/8/2019 18:00

Today, I posted that I'm having a yard sale and listed a bunch of stuff I'm selling. People started messaging, asking me to send pictures and prices. That's why I'm having the yard sale, so I don't have to post pictures and prices! FML

I agree, your life sucks

1394

You deserved it

290

Favorite

By awkward - 5/9/2017 12:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to a friend's "party". Everyone bailed but my friend didn't say anything, so it's just me and my girl. The train tickets alone cost £20. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3183

You deserved it

304

Favorite

By Anonymous - 20/9/2013 04:57 - United States - Santa Barbara

Today, my husband wanted me to "spice up" our sex life. I guess he didn't count on me vomiting when he came in my mouth. We won't be getting intimate again for a long, long time now. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53462

You deserved it

11972

Favorite

By Anonymous - 25/8/2009 17:03 - United States

Today, I was at the park with my autistic son when I noticed a teenage girl imitating him by flapping her hands and walking on her toes. Fed up with children mocking my son, I went over and sternly lectured the girl's mother. Turns out, her daughter is autistic too and will be in my son's class. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44837

You deserved it

23052

Favorite

By anonymous - 28/7/2011 05:39 - United States

Today, my 4 year-old daughter's favorite expression became "shit balls." FML

I agree, your life sucks

34343

You deserved it

16912

Favorite

By frustrated! - 6/2/2013 06:01 - United States

Today, my boyfriend called me a freak for wanting to have sex for a second night in a row. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53710

You deserved it

6080

Favorite

By woah - 4/5/2011 11:51 - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me how women could urinate with a tampon in. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47858

You deserved it

8191

Favorite

By rj - 6/3/2011 05:42 - United States

Today, I went to the dentist after 24 hours of severe tooth pain. They did an emergency root canal. After the anesthesia wore off, within minutes, the pain returned only worse than before. Called the dentist, I had to return, only to find they had done the root canal on the wrong tooth. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47121

You deserved it

3021

Favorite

By failure - 22/9/2011 18:36 - United States

Today, my professor snapped and told me that I know nothing, that everything I've ever learned is wrong, and that all of my former teachers should be shot. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32606

You deserved it

5010

Favorite

By 613tanner - 19/5/2011 05:30

Today, I got pulled over for going about 88mph. When the cop asked why I was speeding, I replied, "I was trying to go back in time". He didn't like that answer and gave me a ticket. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13437

You deserved it

70087

Favorite

By Apple - 12/6/2011 17:54 - United States

Today, I was at my friend's house, and I asked if I could try on one of her dresses. It was a little snug, but I got it on. When it came time to take it off though, it wouldn't budge. My friend and her mom had to cut it off me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19467

You deserved it

34681

Favorite

By soccerbooty - 7/6/2010 06:43 - United States

Today, my boyfriend started to plan our wedding. He included a clown. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38762

You deserved it

8092

Favorite

By Jaybird1587 - 3/8/2009 12:43 - United States

Today, I was just about to get in the shower, when I heard a loud crunch. I thought to myself, boy the neighbours next door must be doing some heavy construction. Two seconds after that thought, my brother knocked on the door to inform me that the neighbours tree had just fallen on my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50879

You deserved it

2477

Favorite

By NoOrdinaryNZer - 30/10/2016 11:09 - New Zealand - Christchurch

Today, an old man, while I was working, asked me to spell average-length words. Confused, I refused. Turns out I was apparently taking too long counting the large amount of small change he'd given to me, and he assumed I couldn't count or spell. I study law, and I've learned basic calculus. Welcome to retail. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10676

You deserved it

967

Favorite

By A girl - 27/6/2011 07:55 - Netherlands

Today, it has been 8 months since I started a photography project in which I would take a picture of the same tree every day for a year. I just heard a noise outside. They cut the tree down. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52619

You deserved it

4530

Favorite

By Anonymous - 10/6/2019 00:01

Today, I was friendzoned by my boyfriend due to the fact that we never fight. Apparently, if there's no fighting, there's no passion. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1806

You deserved it

152

Favorite

By Anonymous - 7/6/2016 07:45

Today, my boyfriend called me into the bathroom and proudly showed me how far back he could stand from the toilet while he peed. Unfortunately, he got distracted and peed all over the floor I had mopped just an hour before. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13786

You deserved it

1209

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By Welshite | 39

#6179525 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 19:38

I think he may of taken the knock-knock joke a tad too literally.

By Exodiafinder687 | 58

#6179559 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 19:48

I bet the audience though that was the best punchline of the night.

Comments

By Welshite | 39

#6179525 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 19:38

I think he may of taken the knock-knock joke a tad too literally.

Enslaved | 36

#6179606 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 20:30

Standup? Not anymore.

wikypedia | 5

#6179686 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 22:02

Knock knock

Who's there?

Me, I kill you!

*knocked out*

By Mauskau | 35

#6179527 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 19:39

Perhaps you should practice more with a smaller audience, see if your friends and family find you funny. If they don't, you have a lot of work to do. Good luck and I hope you're not injured.

By brendejafulable | 40

#6179528 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 19:39

i'd guess no.

coried91 | 28

#6179864 - Thursday 22 January 2015 1:34

What are you talking about?! He was a knock out! *Buh dum tisss*

By Dodge4x4Ram | 46

#6179535 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 19:41

Even the most recognized singers had it rough in the beginning, overcome this obstacle & you'll only improve.

khaoticpanda | 28

#6179681 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 21:51

I could be wrong but im sure hes talking about stand up comedy

Dodge4x4Ram | 46

#6179847 - Thursday 22 January 2015 1:13

read it too fast

By vikky538 | 28

#6179537 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 19:41

then we should call it open-mic knockout..

mct_1087 | 27

#6179544 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 19:43

An open-bottle knockout.

By Steve95401 | 49

#6179539 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 19:42

I have seen musicians who were magicians because they could make an audience disappear.

By PossiblyInDanger | 24

#6179552 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 19:46

Mictality!

By kirbs19 | 37

#6179555 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 19:46

Practice, practice, practice! You need to see if other people like yours material family, friends, colleges. And do some research on WHO will be there on open mic night! That way you won't get knocked out.

By Exodiafinder687 | 58

#6179559 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 19:48

I bet the audience though that was the best punchline of the night.

fluffiest | 10

#6179987 - Thursday 22 January 2015 5:03

You beat me to the punch

By drayloon | 50

#6179561 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 19:48

I guess he was done waiting for the punch line

edit: ah, shit, jus one comment too late