Work: Today, I did my first night of open-mic standup. The first 5...

By Anonymous

Today, I did my first night of open-mic standup. The first 5 minutes went badly, but I don't know if it got any better afterwards, because a drunk audience member climbed up on stage and knocked me out. FML

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Work

There's no helping some people

Commando

Nice guy DESTROYED by FACTS and LOGIC

By Anonymous - United States

Landlords are scum

Today, I found out that my landlord is sleeping with my girlfriend, and he won’t let me out of my lease. FML

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By Ro - United States

Today, my car was stolen. I got it back later without the engine, any of the wheels or my brand new radio and speakers. They even took my car mats. FML

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By guiltyschuldig49 - 28/5/2020 14:00

Noise annoys

Today, and for months, my upstairs neighbor has been stomping on their floors, hard enough to shake our walls. We thought it was their child, but found out it’s the mother. She took up running, and due to the pandemic, she does it in the living room. She's already been told to stop. Repeatedly. I work 12-hour nights. FML

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By theassman - United States

Today, my mom walked in on me masturbating. I minimized the porn on my laptop so she wouldn't see I was watching it. It turns out I was watching an old Beatles concert before I started masturbating. My mom thought I was masturbating to the Beatles. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Plymouth

Today, I found out that the squeaking I've heard for the past three months, that I thought was my guinea pig, is actually my girlfriend cheating on me with my older brother. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my ex-wife, whom I divorced just 8 months ago, asked me to attend her wedding, because "it would mean a lot" to her. She's marrying the man she cheated on me with. FML

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By chocobo

Supreme Betrayal

Today, I discovered that my family routinely waits until after my bedtime to order a pepperoni pizza, my favorite food. If that wasn't bad enough, I'm 17 and still have a strictly enforced bedtime. FML

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By Why me. - United States - Kent

Today, I emailed my boss to let her know I was uncomfortable working over what my university’s 28-hour policy allows. She demanded I work 40 hours this week. In any other job, I'd be fine, but if I work over 28 hours, the university will fire me. If I refuse to work 28 hours, my boss will fire me. FML

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By waitforit - United States

Today, I thought it would be really hot to watch porn while my girlfriend and I were having sex. I got so hot and aroused that I came before the previews even ended. That was less than one minute. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, there was a big snow storm and I wanted to help shovel, so I put on 3 pairs of socks, 2 pairs of pants, 2 winter coats, 2 pairs of gloves, a hat and a scarf. Once outside, I was told to go back inside because the job was done. FML

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By badtrip - United States

Today, my girlfriend was packing for her study abroad program. Jokingly, I got her a pack of condoms. She laughed, saying "Oh yeah, I'll definitely need some of those." Later, I showed up to take her to the airport and saw her open suitcase in the kitchen, with the condoms on top. FML

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By michellekel - France

Today, I went to the beach on the cote d'azur and the lifeguard told me that even though there were two jellyfish in the bay, it was safe to swim. Five minutes into swimming, I got stung twice. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I stopped by the gas station. As I was filling up I noticed a cute guy at the pump next to me. When I was done, I gave him a wink before opening my car door. It was locked. I had to call my Dad to bring my spare keys. The guy was laughing the whole time as I waited for my Dad to show up. FML

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By thissucks - United States

Today, after finishing a three-page essay for my spanish class, I went to rip up my brainstorming paper in an act of triumph. After I finished ripping it up, I looked on my desk to see my brainstorming paper fully intact, and my essay torn into bits. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Jose

Today, I complimented a player in a game who protected my ass the whole match. As a joke, I told them to marry me. Turned out the person was a horny 40-something lesbian stalker who spent the next 5 hours sending me pictures and trying to find out where I live. FML

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By DreeStahr - United States - Liberty

Today, I was texting my boyfriend and things were getting a little steamy. He said, "I really want you right now." So, of course, I told him to come over. To which he replied, "Nah." FML

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By TheNerd - United States

Today, I was riding my long board. A few feet from me an attractive girl was riding one too, in the same direction. We made eye contact right as I slammed into a light pole. She then fell because she was laughing so hard. FML

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By why - 6/11/2020 23:01

Delusional

Today, I was at work. I had a male patient expose himself to me. He then apologized and said he thought that's what I wanted. FML

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By me - United States - Parrish

Today, I told my bald, goatee-sporting chemistry teacher that he looks like Walt from Breaking Bad. I quickly got sent to the principal's office and received a 3-day suspension for "slandering" my teacher by implying that he makes meth. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Gatineau

Today, I overheard my in-laws talking about me. It started off with light insults and ended with "People like her are the reason murder ain't always wrong". FML

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By Anonymous - 16/11/2020 05:01 - United States

Egg IRL

Today, I was eating out with my family. I have 2 brothers. Our waitress comes and says, "Look at those 3 handsome young men." I didn't think of it until my 5-year-old brother shouted, " She's a girl!'" FML

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By AccidentalFlasher - Canada - Thornhill

Today, I was chilling in my comfy zip-up sweatshirt when I realized I was running late for an acting class. In my mad panic, I forgot I didn't have a shirt or bra underneath. Later in class, I was performing a scene and started to unzip my sweatshirt. You can figure out the rest. FML

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By Late marriage - Australia

Today, my husband was 45 minutes late to our wedding reception. Later, when I asked him why, he said, "I was playing Legend of Zelda and had to finish my quest." He thinks this is an eligible excuse. FML

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By nothungry - United States

Today, after four years of anorexia and lots of recovery, my parents took me out to dinner with my counselor and whole family to celebrate my progress. I ended up eating something that made me vomit everything I ate. My parents now think I am bulmic and are sending me back to counseling. FML

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By bye loser - Canada - Abbotsford

Today, I went on a first date. Everything was going well until he asked me, "So, what's the biggest thing you've stuck up your vag?" FML

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By loner - Australia

Today, I read my university's newsletter. Apparently we're starting up a "buddy" system for international students. I'm signing up, because this will help me complete my goal of making my first friend at university. FML

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By Thanks Trump - United States - New York

Today, my mom parked in a handicapped space because, "the Spanish people are taking over everything." FML

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By hopeless1 - United States

Today, I met a really hot guy at a bar. We talked for a while and really seemed to hit it off. We ended up going to my apartment. He stopped and said, "Clean up this mess and maybe we could do something another time." I am a complete neat freak - my apartment had been robbed and trashed. FML

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By 00anon00 - 2/7/2020 02:01

Animalistic

Today, I was fired from my local animal shelter. I was a volunteer and am currently in school for veterinary technology. My education made the paid staff at the shelter feel threatened. FML

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By Ismellbacon - Canada

Today, my girlfriend called me a lazy pig. To prove her wrong, I decided to go lift some weights. A few reps in, my arm cracked and my first reaction was to squeal like a pig. FML

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By pinkjade - Canada

Today, I was napping. I woke up to my pillow making some sounds. Thinking it was my head shifting my pillow, I went back to sleep. Later on I woke up to the sounds again, and a mouse staring at my face. FML

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By erin - 2/4/2021 10:59

Stranger danger

Today, I saw a girl with the same shirt as me. I excitedly pointed it out. She punched me in the face. I didn’t think people actually got mad about that. FML

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By (-__- ) ( ^.^) - United States - Minneapolis

Today, trying to be romantic, I started coming on to my wife while in bed, only for her to yet again say she wasn't in the mood. When I asked why she never is lately, she sarcastically blamed it on the government shutdown, then rolled over to go to sleep. FML

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By GDubeau24 - Canada - Cornwall

Today, the package I've waited for months for finally arrived. It turned out it wasn't for me, but for my sister, who bought the same thing only 2 weeks ago. When I called, the company told me they received my payment, but that there were no more of the item in stock. FML

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By Craptastic

Today, at physical therapy, I felt that all-too-familiar gurgle in my gut, but I thought it would a light, silent fart. I squatted for an exercise and shit my pants in front of the cute, single, male physical therapist. He definitely noticed. I still had 30 minutes left in the session. FML

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By Samm Povich - United States

Today, while working as a police dispatcher, I took a call for a motorcycle accident that occurred near my house. After obtaining all the essential information I realized the rider was my brother. He doesn't own a motorcycle, but I do. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I missed my own surprise party because, having heard it being planned, I though it was going to be an intervention. FML

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By Is McDonald's Hiring?

Today, I was sternly told that if I didn't pass more students, I would be out of a job. I then went to my class to collect papers, and was stymied by how I could be giving passing grades to the 12 of 24 who didn't turn anything in. College students. FML

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By rongo12

Today, I was heading to the bathroom when I clearly saw a little boy walking into my bedroom. My wife and I live alone, and I screamed at the top of my lungs, thinking he was a ghost. Turns out my wife collected him from school for a friend, and I just didn't hear them arrive. FML

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By Notcheating

Not a cheating!

Today, my father-in-law caught me, a lesbian, buying condoms. He thought I was cheating. I didn’t know how to tell him that his daughter is allergic to our dildo. FML

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Top comments

By Welshite | 39

#6179525 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 19:38

I think he may of taken the knock-knock joke a tad too literally.

By Exodiafinder687 | 58

#6179559 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 19:48

I bet the audience though that was the best punchline of the night.

COMMENTS

By Welshite | 39

#6179525 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 19:38

I think he may of taken the knock-knock joke a tad too literally.

Enslaved | 36

#6179606 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 20:30

Standup? Not anymore.

wikypedia | 5

#6179686 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 22:02

Knock knock

Who's there?

Me, I kill you!

*knocked out*

By Mauskau | 35

#6179527 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 19:39

Perhaps you should practice more with a smaller audience, see if your friends and family find you funny. If they don't, you have a lot of work to do. Good luck and I hope you're not injured.

By brendejafulable | 41

#6179528 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 19:39

i'd guess no.

coried91 | 28

#6179864 - Thursday 22 January 2015 1:34

What are you talking about?! He was a knock out! *Buh dum tisss*

By Dodge4x4Ram | 46

#6179535 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 19:41

Even the most recognized singers had it rough in the beginning, overcome this obstacle & you'll only improve.

khaoticpanda | 28

#6179681 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 21:51

I could be wrong but im sure hes talking about stand up comedy

Dodge4x4Ram | 46

#6179847 - Thursday 22 January 2015 1:13

read it too fast

By vikky538 | 28

#6179537 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 19:41

then we should call it open-mic knockout..

mct_1087 | 27

#6179544 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 19:43

An open-bottle knockout.

By Steve95401 | 49

#6179539 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 19:42

I have seen musicians who were magicians because they could make an audience disappear.

By PossiblyInDanger | 24

#6179552 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 19:46

Mictality!

By kirbs19 | 37

#6179555 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 19:46

Practice, practice, practice! You need to see if other people like yours material family, friends, colleges. And do some research on WHO will be there on open mic night! That way you won't get knocked out.

By Exodiafinder687 | 58

#6179559 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 19:48

I bet the audience though that was the best punchline of the night.

fluffiest | 10

#6179987 - Thursday 22 January 2015 5:03

You beat me to the punch

By drayloon | 50

#6179561 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 19:48

I guess he was done waiting for the punch line

edit: ah, shit, jus one comment too late