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Update! I talked to my boss about it and he agreed that it seemed odd that I'd do something like that, but said that he had placed the punishment just in case. I'm off the hook though, so no training for me!

Opportunities

By dogsickftl - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom

Today, I left my hammer outside after putting up my 'For Sale' sign in front of my house. I realised and went outside to get it. The hammer had been used to smash my car window and steal stuff inside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 208

You deserved it 7 177

By Moody - 28/10/2009 19:14 - United States

Today, I opened my personal laptop at a company meeting. I forgot that the battery died while watching a porno last night. It was ten seconds of slurping, spitting and gagging. It was my first day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 414

You deserved it 38 437

Whispering wind

By dabull - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, nobody wants to hang out with me due to a nasty rumor that my ex has spread. No one will tell me what was said, because I apparently "know full well" what I did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 727

You deserved it 4 116

By BobE - 31/07/2019 06:00 - United States - Miami

Today, I went to a mall and got some really awesome shoes. I went home to find out that they are actually women's shoes. I'm a dude. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 138

You deserved it 908

By emma_waters23 - 26/04/2013 00:11 - United States - Long Beach

Today, I was walking my dog. A cute guy stopped me and said, "Wow, you are gorgeous!" I said thanks. He looked at me like I was nuts and said, "Not you, your dog." FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 846

You deserved it 6 016

By Celewyn - 04/10/2016 11:11 - Australia

Today, my patient knocked my glasses off as I assisted him in the shower. We both looked in terror as they fell into his unflushed toilet. This patient was isolated due to a contagious infection. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 110

You deserved it 1 038

Cover up

By this_is_fucked - 24/10/2009 21:23 - Zimbabwe

Today, I realized that I'm the only person in my house not getting any. My sister is sleeping with my ex. My roommate is sleeping with my brother, and my mom texted me, asking to make it look like she slept in her bed so that she didn't have to do the "walk of shame" in the morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 547

You deserved it 2 929

Called out but accurate

By brittbrat4 - 05/07/2011 00:25 - United States

Today, I was jamming out in my car, tapping my fingers on the wheel and bobbing my head. At the next stoplight, I happened to look over and the passenger of the car next to me was holding a sign in the window saying, "I bet you don't have a boyfriend, do you?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 699

You deserved it 6 388

Sorry!

By slingshot - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was waiting to speak to a customer service salesman in a store. To pass time, I was playing with a rubber band. The rubber band shot off and hit the salesman smack in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 924

You deserved it 28 201

By lahiros - 30/05/2014 22:05 - Australia - Bentleigh East

Today, I woke up in the middle of the night to my wife muttering "God, I want you so bad". Figuring she was either talking to me or longing for the second cumming of Christ, I turned over to see which. Turned out she was rubbing one out to some guy's Facebook photos on her phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 696

You deserved it 7 546

By FMyLife5915 - 04/09/2010 04:15

Today, I found out what "supersoaked" means. I thought it meant getting shot by a water gun, which is why I laughed when my daughter's boyfriend said he "supersoaked" her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 386

You deserved it 6 947

Hand shandy

By cdoyle - 08/04/2009 12:32 - Canada

Today, I went to dinner with my boyfriend. After we'd ordered, I started to unzip his fly really slowly. As I put my hand into his boxers, he stood up to greet his mom and dad who were joining us for dinner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 530

You deserved it 110 780

By tjmtjm - 19/09/2016 17:47 - Sweden - Sk?rholmen

Today, I was notified of card fraud. As I was on the phone with the fraud department to take out any cash I could, the ATM ate my card and shredded it. The chip in my other card stopped working last week. I'm in Sweden until December and I have no money until October 1st. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 656

You deserved it 911

tjmtjm tells us more.

tjmtjm 9

Tuesday 20 September 2016 21:41

OP here and I'll try to answer all the questions with a novel of a post. I've been in Stockholm since August and it just happened at the time this happened I didn't have any cash on me. Plus it's way easier to use card then it is cash at most places in Stockholm. My card was already filed under fraud from a purchase that I didn't make online and promptly shut down. I was on the phone with the fraud department so they could temporarily unfreeze my card so I could take out cash, because they were aware of my credit card situation and I would be out of any card until Oct 1st. As soon as the ATM ate my card I called the company and was told that their ATMs do shred cards whenever they're opened by staff at the end of the night for security reasons and there was nothing they can do, even with my situation.The reason it's going to take so long for the cards to get to me is because my bank isn't legally allowed to send cards internationally to me for whatever reason, but my mom is visiting Oct 1st, so she is bringing both my credit and debit card replacements. I had to laugh because as soon as the machine ate my card and I let the fraud staff on the phone know that happened all she could say was "oh...that sucks. I honestly can't help you anymore if that happened. I'm so sorry." She was overall really helpful and I could tell how surprised she was when I said that happened. I find it to be quite the humorous situation, considering nothing went right. baxeh, and mirror girl you're both are the best! I would have never guessed from this post that kind strangers would be willing to help me out! I greatly appreciate it, and luckily for me I have a couple friends from my university also in Stockholm that are able to help me out in the meantime. Which is quite a relief! In terms of a job, I really enjoy working and would love to work in Stockholm to keep me busy but because I'm only in the country for six months (I'm from the States) and unless it's under the table, I can't get a job since I'm not here for a year or more.