Kids: Today, I ate an apple. My sister then walks in dressed as a witch,...

By dorianseiji - 11/03/2015 20:37 - France - Amiens

Today, I ate an apple. My sister then walks in dressed as a witch, and asks, "Have you seen my poisoned apple?" She was playing at Snow White, and the apple had been dipped in the toilet, the cat's food bowl and the garbage can. FML

I agree, your life sucks 535

You deserved it 105

Kids

Best teeth in the game

Dysfunctional

Empathy lives

By Arachnofail - 08/04/2016 04:16 - France - Goussainville

Today, while driving, a spider crawled onto my gearstick. Not being afraid of them, I casually flicked it off. Onto the person sitting next to me. The person evaluating me for my driving test at the time, who happened to be arachnophobic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 133

You deserved it 4 459

What's your emergency?

By Anonymous - 06/04/2020 23:00

Today, I found out that because I'm a cop, my 5-year-old son thinks the only way he can contact me is by calling 911. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 726

You deserved it 273

By Anonymous - 21/01/2016 03:16 - United States - Houston

Today, at my retail job, I tried on one of our hats. My co-worker told me I shouldn't because I could get lice. I laughed it off and told her I didn't believe her. Man, do I believe her now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 516

You deserved it 8 495

By WTF - 22/08/2012 22:22 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, my boyfriend confided to me that he has a used condom collection. When I reacted with disgust, he "reassured" me that he only keeps the ones he uses with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 348

You deserved it 2 976

By Anonymous - 25/03/2015 12:23 - United States - Woodbridge

Today, I got fired for having a visible tattoo on my neck. The tattoo in question is a scar from a surgery I had 2 months ago. The same one paid for by my employer's insurance and missed 2 weeks of work for. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 262

You deserved it 2 262

By nooneatall - 15/01/2010 03:16 - France

Today, I was doing a shit load of sit-ups on my mattress. After realizing the bed was squeaking, I heard my dad laughing very hard from the basement. He thought I was masturbating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 897

You deserved it 20 124

By THATgirl - 26/01/2018 15:00

Today, our wedding venue canceled on us, leaving us 8 months to find another in peak foliage season. My parents contacted the local news over the ordeal, but they're using my name and picture to make me look like a whiny brat who didn’t get her way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 993

You deserved it 1 175

By Anonymous - 22/03/2012 05:13 - United States - Federal Way

Today, I had to re-grade a student's assignments because neither he, nor his parents can read "Spanish." I'd written in cursive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 020

You deserved it 4 079

By BigPurplePresent - 28/07/2009 13:34 - South Africa

Today, I was really upset after work, and tearily asked my boyfriend to bring something over to cheer me up when he visited later. An hour or so later he arrived, having bought me a brand new large purple dildo to "brighten my mood". FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 932

You deserved it 18 051

By didntevenknow - 13/08/2012 15:06 - Malaysia - Kuala Lumpur

Today, I was fooling around on Omegle, when I came across a guy who claimed he could suck himself off. I was doubtful, but morbidly curious, so I told him to prove it. Turns out he could. Before I could close the browser window in horror, my dad walked in and got a good look too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 509

You deserved it 37 922

By drunkluv - 12/04/2011 02:58 - Australia

Today, my girlfriend openly admitted to me that she wouldn't have gone out with me if she hadn't been drunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 987

You deserved it 4 163

By getoffthephone - 30/03/2015 09:19 - United Kingdom

Today, while waiting for the bus, I googled walking directions to my destination, in case I had already missed the bus. I was so absorbed in my search that I missed the bus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 692

You deserved it 26 158

By alyssac11 - 25/05/2010 04:55 - United States

Today, I discovered that my boyfriend has a YouTube channel devoted to taking the camera out whenever he has to fart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 553

You deserved it 4 252

By Anonymous - 17/03/2015 21:11 - United States

Today, at 2:00 am, my neighbor discovered "What Does The Fox Say?" He loves it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 125

You deserved it 2 447

By ThatOneGuy - 28/04/2019 16:00

Today I went on a date with my long time crush only to find out that we are distant cousins. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 436

You deserved it 205

So that makes it alright?

By Boundaries - 04/02/2021 11:01

Today, I confronted my boyfriend that I found his “hidden” Tinder profile and his horny messages between him and other girls. His response? “Babe, that was a month ago.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 938

You deserved it 106

By Anonymous - 24/05/2015 14:14 - United States - Berwyn

Today, I kept getting out of bed because I was sure my daughter had pooped in her diaper. Every time, I found nothing. I finally figured out the foul smell was my husband's breath, when he leaned into kiss me goodnight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 213

You deserved it 2 568

By anon - 11/01/2016 17:21 - United States - Spencer

Today, I found out that my crush of a few years likes me. How? Her boyfriend told me, followed by a punch in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 356

You deserved it 1 859

By Anonymous - 16/08/2019 12:00

Today, my grandmother loudly announced that she has a yeast infection. Under her breast. She attempted to show me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 595

You deserved it 116

By randomjulz - 16/06/2011 03:53 - United States

Today, my husband asked me to come see his turd. After I said no, he said, "What kind of wife are you?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 195

You deserved it 9 946

By Noname - 06/03/2009 19:04 - United States

Today, my daughter asked me when was the first time I had sex. After I told her 22 she quickly shouted, "Beat ya!" She's thirteen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 486 760

You deserved it 106 291

By embarrassed - 21/12/2009 00:26 - United Kingdom

Today, I texted my Dad to tell him I'm staying at my boyfriend's house and won't be home. Since I had predictive text on, my phone didn't quite get the word 'home' - the message I sent said, 'I'm staying at Will's, I'll not be good tonight.' FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 282

You deserved it 29 329

By jimmy - 19/08/2011 21:57 - United Kingdom

Today, I was diagnosed with crabs. I lost my virginity to my wife, and have never had sex or any sexual contact with anyone but her in my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 011

You deserved it 4 511

Not the sharpest crayon in the box

By dumb dumb - 14/08/2020 14:00

Today, my idiot daughter used my wax warmer to try to give herself a bikini wax using old crayons. Not sure which YouTube idiot she learned it from, but the stench of melted crayon, burnt hair, and singed flesh isn’t a smell I’ll soon be forgetting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 556

You deserved it 215

By HardTimes - 02/06/2019 20:00

Today, I came home from three months off the continent. My parents drove me home, and when we drove past our house, I assumed we were going for a welcome home supper. Instead, we drove to a dilapidated trailer and my parents said, "Welcome home." We used to live in a large, beautiful two-story house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 091

You deserved it 175

By Anonymous - 14/05/2016 15:48

Today, a very attractive man asked me out on a date, and I said yes. He is tall, charming and a very good kisser. I'm sure the woman he heavily made out with after I left would agree. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 709

You deserved it 978

And I oop

By not drunk - 21/07/2020 08:01

Today, I was at a restaurant. I turned around looking for the restroom. I almost walked into the men’s room, then corrected myself and stumbled in the hallway looking for the ladies’. The employees thought I was drunk and kicked me out. I hadn’t had a single drink. I’m just clumsy as shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 416

You deserved it 223

By Jake - 25/07/2009 04:17 - United States

Today, I was going to hang out with the girl I like, because she was leaving for the rest of the Summer. She had to cancel to go shopping with her grandma "all day." At 1 o'clock, she came online and told me how much fun she had with this guy I really don't like. She forgot that she lied to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 200

You deserved it 3 659

By Anonymous - 07/10/2010 23:45 - United States

Today, my cousin and his fiancée took me to my first strip club experience. One of the strippers came over and danced for me. She pulled her thong string out and I tried to place the dollar in it with my mouth. I missed, to which she said "Put it in there, retard." FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 542

You deserved it 34 479

By Anonymous - 29/12/2010 05:20 - United States

Today, I realized that I'll have to explain to my child that mommy and daddy met on World of Warcraft. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 156

You deserved it 53 692

By $$$ - 29/05/2013 04:49 - Australia - Chatswood

Today, an elderly woman couldn't afford all of her groceries at the checkout so she started to take out a few things. I offered to pay for her groceries; she thanked me and walked out. An onlooker then came up to me and told me that she does it to someone every week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 788

You deserved it 6 209

By InDeepBlue - 10/09/2019 06:00

Today, I took the bus home from work for the first time in my life. It was pretty crowded, so I immediately sat in an empty seat. Then, I felt something wet. It was puke. A lot of it, in fact. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 587

You deserved it 399

By Emily - 03/01/2013 06:42 - United States - Arlington

Today, my boyfriend of four years broke up with me by writing on my bathroom mirror in Sharpie. What did he write? "Hi, I'm Emily. I'm fat, ugly, and now single." FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 005

You deserved it 4 888

By ProtoBird - 14/04/2016 04:11 - United States - Grand Rapids

Today, I got hit so hard in the head by a dodgeball that a contact popped right out. To make matters worse, I continued to get hit as a futilely searched for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 790

You deserved it 1 564

By Xandar - 09/11/2018 17:30

Today, I was told by my wife that we were going to be parents. We are both females. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 354

You deserved it 495

By Anonymous - 14/11/2013 10:57 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, while chatting to my mother, I tried to show her a funny website by pasting the URL into a message. After I sent the message, I realised that my browser hadn't copied the URL I wanted to send her, and that I'd actually pasted the previous URL I copied. It was porn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 576

You deserved it 47 304

By probably single - 29/05/2015 18:28 - Denmark - Gram

Today, my girlfriend bought two tickets for a cruise to the Bahamas. Too bad the second ticket isn't for me. I guess her ex-boyfriend will have a wonderful time with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 930

You deserved it 2 389

By Anonymous - 17/02/2013 05:56 - United States

Today, I took an afternoon nap, and when I woke up, it was pitch black outside. Still groggy, I went downstairs, only to see my dad sporting a shocked expression and a suspiciously powder-white beard. He actually almost convinced me that I'd just woken up from a five year coma. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 681

You deserved it 6 653

By Anonymous - 15/05/2019 03:10

Today, I was playing beer pong at a party and managed to get the ball in a cup. I jumped a little bit in excitement and somehow managed to fracture my foot while doing so. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 430

You deserved it 332

By wow - 05/05/2011 06:13

Today, my mom confessed that she has to make up compliments to give to prove me wrong when I said she can never say positive things about me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 382

You deserved it 3 441

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Top comments

Jinxsie 27

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Thursday 12 March 2015 9:21

I'm sorry but did it even smell like an apple? C'mon now... I'm laughing at your pain. At least you didn't fall asleep. Or die...

Exodiafinder687 58

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Thursday 12 March 2015 9:15

Good thing it wasn't a real poisoned apple or else your future would be looking pretty grim-hilde.

ThatOtherMegan 30

Thursday 12 March 2015 9:15

That's so gross, OP! Hopefully it didn't taste too bad if you ate the whole thing?

Mightyrif 23

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Thursday 12 March 2015 9:49

I suspect it was something in the garbage that made the apple lose it's disgusting taste.

Exodiafinder687 58

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Thursday 12 March 2015 9:15

Good thing it wasn't a real poisoned apple or else your future would be looking pretty grim-hilde.

naxeeb 33

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Thursday 12 March 2015 9:16

I'm surprised the apple didn't stink!

MetalxSoldier 26

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Tuesday 24 March 2015 8:16

Exactly. I'm just curious how he didn't notice. I'm guessing it might not be as bad as it seemed but that's still pretty gross.

Jinxsie 27

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Thursday 12 March 2015 9:21

I'm sorry but did it even smell like an apple? C'mon now... I'm laughing at your pain. At least you didn't fall asleep. Or die...

tantanpanda 26

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Friday 13 March 2015 4:57

I'm wondering that too. If the apple has truly been in those places, I'd expect there to be crumbs of some sort and a nasty odor coming from the apple.

Jinxsie 27

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Friday 13 March 2015 10:20

Well, I guess when you eat something that's suppose to be healthy then you don't consider that it was once in any of those places.

Unixxxion 22

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Saturday 14 March 2015 14:44

this is just gross :') bahahah

xebi 4

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Thursday 12 March 2015 9:21

Oh dear, poor you! But wait, don't you wash apples before you eat them?

firefox9778 20

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Thursday 12 March 2015 9:47

Some people do, some people don't.

Jinxsie 27

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Thursday 12 March 2015 13:17

The only apple that should go in the toilet is the leftever waste when it gets converted into poop. Otherwise, who puts an apple in a toilet? *inserts bad iPhone joke*

smokecloud_ 37

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Thursday 12 March 2015 9:23

Now you wait for Prince Charming who can overcome toilet-cat-food-garbage breath to come wake you up from this nightmare.

1dvs_bstd 41

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Thursday 12 March 2015 10:51

Some princes won't care, they just wanna get to the green, they won't mind a little rough.

LifeMD 14

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Thursday 12 March 2015 9:24

Well, the only thing you can do now is just play along. What you have just done was an important part in the story!

GrimReefer66 29

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Thursday 12 March 2015 9:25

I guess it wasn't too bad if you hadn't noticed. But still that's pretty gross

Demon_of_Light 27

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Saturday 14 March 2015 20:12

Why did the sister have to "poison" the apple anyways? Couldn't she just carry around the apple and call it poisoned? Clearly there's no visual difference.

Soloman212 28

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Monday 16 March 2015 14:39

It's the spirit of it. I for one admire her conviction and dedication

fsomelife 26

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Thursday 12 March 2015 9:34

I really hope it wasn't in that order, at least for the cat's sake. You're a lost cause if you ate something that carried those scents.

WitEluded 13

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Thursday 12 March 2015 9:36

I always thought it would be fun to celebrate holidays six months early/late, just to see people's reactions. Halloween in March results in this kind of stuff happening. Just imagine if your sister had actually gone trick or treating. With no competition from other kids, all the candy would be hers!

Anikaaaaa 31

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Thursday 12 March 2015 10:20

Not every country celebrates halloween. For me it was "carnaval" 3 days of dressing up mid february. Going trick or treating on halloween would never get me candy. Kids like to dress up regardless of what day it is anyway