Work: Today, my boss and I were bragging about our new phones. I unlocked... - FML

By Anonymous - Switzerland

Today, my boss and I were bragging about our new phones. I unlocked mine to show its awesome display, and accidentally opened a job search app. FML

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Instadrama

Season finale

The smell detective is on the case

By welptbh - United States - San Pablo

Today, I came out to my parents as trans. They immediately took my remaining college savings, canceled my credit card, and began plotting to abduct me and "wean me of hormones like a heroin addict". FML

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By Tori - United States

Today, I discovered in my house a drawer full of chocolates, cookies and baked goods. When I asked my sister what the drawer was, she told me that my mom thought it would be a good idea to hide the fattening foods from me. My entire family had known about the food drawer except me. FML

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By 9gingerface66 - United States

Kinky

Today, after finally getting up the confidence, I started talking really dirty to my boyfriend on the phone. I was getting really onto it, and he seemed to enjoy it too. Then I stopped for a second to gauge his reaction. He was snoring. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got fired from my job. My manager found Facebook pictures of me drinking underage at a party. He said he didn't want "that kind of image" associated with the business. It was his birthday party. He supplied the booze. FML

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By Minecraftwhyyy - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I reached that point in our relationship where just a simple phone conversation was too boring. His idea to spice things up? Playing Minecraft together. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/1/2021 14:01 - Germany

Can't handle it

Today, I feel hung over. Don’t feel up to anything except slouching on the sofa, nursing my headache. Must have been one hell of a party, lots of booze, right? Actually, all I did was go to bed at 11:30 last night, instead of my usual 8.30. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Adelaide

Today, I opened my Christmas presents with my husband. One of the things he got me was a ball gag. "Yeah," he said with a grin, "That one's more for me but I didn't wanna buy myself headphones." Cue our son asking me what it was. FML

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By wtfjusthappened - United States

Today, my ex-boyfriend from two years ago called and asked to come over. Still being in love with him, I agreed to see him but decided I wasn't drunk enough to handle the stress. After a while of drinking, he said that he really missed me and wanted to be with me. My reply consisted of throwing up. FML

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By NOOOOOO - United States

Today, my only pair of shoes that I brought got stolen at the airport while I was being checked by security. I'm now stuck 1000 miles from home with no shoes. FML

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By Itstheapocalypse

Today, while performing a therapeutic massage, I dropped my clients head, shuddered, and jumped away. Why? I watch too much Walking Dead and when I lifted her head to stretch her neck, her soft breathing sounded like a zombie. FML

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By burned - United States

Today, my roommate decided to fry some bacon. After finishing, he thought it would be easy to clean up if he just tossed the panful of grease out the second story window. Guess where I was standing at the time? FML

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By apparentlyunsexy - United States

Today, while dancing at my studio, our instructor was giving us all characters opposite of ourselves to portray in an improv solo. My friends got cool things like "creepy" and "vulnerable". I got "extremely sexy". FML

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By kylie - United States

Today, my boyfriend texted me, and asked if he could come over to 'have some fun'. Thinking we were going to do it, I freshened up. Turns out his idea of 'having some fun' is playing Doodle Jump and Angry Birds on my iPod. For three hours. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the alarm clock downstairs has been going off since 3am. The apartment belongs to two other students. They've gone home. Only 3 more days left to go. FML

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By jobless - France

Today, I've been dating a girl for a year and she's only touched my penis twice. Once by accident. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/4/2020 05:00

Unhygienic or he's a natural hunter-gatherer

Today, I found my missing wedding band inside my 2-year old's pull up. It was accompanied by two coins, a Hot Wheels car, a pebble, and a dead bug. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Airdrie

Today, my dog had her stomach pumped because she ate some cookies. The 100 cookies I made for a bake sale to be exact. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cincinnati

Today, my girlfriend came over to my place unannounced. She slapped me in the face, said, "You son of a bitch." and stormed off. I have no idea what that was for. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because she felt that her puppy was lonely while we dated. FML

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By unsuspcted - United States

Today, my son told me to grow a pair and ask my girlfriend of a year and a half to marry me. He is 7 years old. FML

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By ScottishSteak

Scotland and its leccy bills

Today, I went to my local supermarket to get my electricity topped up. Problem is, 2 of the 3 cash machines weren't working. The third was, until I tried to withdraw cash, then nope. The supermarket only accepts cash for meter top ups. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I finally finished making my daughter's wedding cake. When I checked on it later, I found a large slice had been cut out. I soon found out that my husband had instagrammed himself eating it, with the caption "#guiltypleasures". FML

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By ButImBeautiful - United Kingdom - Cheltenham

Today, a little girl came up to me and told me I looked like a foot. Thanks a bunch, darling. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/1/2021 17:06

Bismillah no!

Today, my dad forbade me from playing or listening to Queen because Freddie Mercury was gay. FML

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By Girl123999 - United States

Today, I was talking to my mom. During the conversation she asked me, "Does he take his leg off when you guys are having sex?" Referring to the guy I've been seeing who has a prosthetic leg. My dad then asked, "Does he beat you with it too if you've been naughty?" FML

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By lindsaykay - United States

Today, I had to put one of my preschool students in timeout for masturbating during nap time. FML

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By Sad nerd - United Kingdom - Ringwood

Today, I got an offer to study at a good university. My father has been pushing me to apply for years, so I ecstatically broke the news. Instead of congratulating me, he just grunted and delivered the more important news that he's divorcing my mum. Moment ruined. FML

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By xCZ75x - United Kingdom - Potters Bar

Today, my best friend on Snapchat is my mum. FML

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By Anonymous

Et tu, Chandler?

Today, I found out that when my friends say they're too busy to hang out with me, what they really mean is that they're going to have an awesome pool party, and don't want me to come. The Instagram stories say it all. FML

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By justgreat - United States

Today, I was picking up my 10 year old step-son from the airport. He began screaming and crying saying that I wasn't his father. I ended up sitting in a holding room because the security guards thought I was kidnapping him. My wife thought it was hilarious. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/2/2021 23:01 - Germany - Zittau

I was bored before I even began

Today, my ex started our conversation with, "How are you?" I asked whether this was just a way of greeting me, or if he genuinely wanted to know. He affirmed that he really wanted to know, then proceeded to talk about his work for the next two hours. FML

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By tooembarassed - United States

Today, I got a date for Valentine's Day. The date is with my orthodontist; he's going to tighten my braces. FML

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By hunterchik

Today, I found out about my parent's divorce over Facebook from my sister who lives 8 hours away in another province. They made the decision 3 weeks ago. I live with my parents. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Letchworth

Today, my dad stood by and nodded in agreement as my sister told me that my clinical depression is "getting REALLY old." FML

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By exchange - Ireland

Today, I leave Ireland after a 5 month study abroad. Today also happens to be the day that the price of alcohol decreases by 30%, the dollar increases by 15% and the girl I have been chasing the whole time, to no avail, finally decides to show an interest in me. FML

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By Tampax - Spain - Cuenca

Today, my hand was stung by a wasp. It has resulted in all my fingers being swollen and therefore much bigger than usual. I'm getting married tomorrow and there's no way I can get the ring on my finger. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got home after a night of drinking with my coworker. We hooked up, but he was so drunk he had to use a flashlight to put it in. Then, he ran out of the room to throw up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my last remaining pet, a hamster, died. Even he thinks it's better to drown in his water dish than brave the world living with me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out the reason my clothes have been smelling a little funny isn't because I sweat heavily, it's because of the dead rat in the back of my dryer. FML

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By broke and hungry - United States - West New York

Today, I had to skip lunch to work on a big project, so I stopped by a vending machine. The number I wanted was 126, but I accidentally typed 124, using my last dollar. 124 was the only empty row. FML

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Top comments

By anthonydpalm | 18

#6574640 - Tuesday 5 April 2016 14:17

Always be sure to close out of your apps before locking your phone...

By dada124 | 8

#6574632 - Tuesday 5 April 2016 14:12

Man, that's gotta sting.

COMMENTS

By dada124 | 8

#6574632 - Tuesday 5 April 2016 14:12

Man, that's gotta sting.

By Kieranr10 | 23

#6574633 - Tuesday 5 April 2016 14:12

Well that's not good.

By Colon_Man | 17

#6574639 - Tuesday 5 April 2016 14:16

It's better than opening an app about "Moms I'd like to go clothes shopping with."

...I'm about long term commitments.

By anthonydpalm | 18

#6574640 - Tuesday 5 April 2016 14:17

Always be sure to close out of your apps before locking your phone...

By Shoevibez | 11

#6574641 - Tuesday 5 April 2016 14:17

Your fault for downloading it OP, FYL.

By A1NoSauce | 17

#6574644 - Tuesday 5 April 2016 14:21

It may have looked bad I'm the moment, but I'm doubt this would even be worth remembering within a day or two. Just keep working hard and showing your commitment to the workplace. You'll be fine :)

By The_Avatar | 22

#6574649 - Tuesday 5 April 2016 14:35

I would love to know how he reacted! A follow up please!

By ThuNDeY | 23

#6574650 - Tuesday 5 April 2016 14:36

Simple mistake. If you guys get along well enough to go on about phones he'd probably miss you instead of being upset.

By xMaeLA | 24

#6574651 - Tuesday 5 April 2016 14:36

What happened next?! :o

By gobiteme2 | 34

#6574663 - Tuesday 5 April 2016 15:41

Did you show your boss how to use it, as you were looking for a new job from that moment on!