Miscellaneous: Today, as a part of my autobiography project for school, I needed... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9

You deserved it 2

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 73

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 257

You deserved it 64

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 121

You deserved it 1 086

20/11/2013 15:28

Today, as a part of my autobiography project for school, I needed to have 2 friends and 2 family members each write me a letter. I ended up having to forge 3 letters. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 114

You deserved it 3 825

Age difference

Weird reason to leave, but OK

Stop talking!

15/05/2009 17:10

Today, my girlfriend was sick so I took her 5 year old daughter out to eat. Half-way through our "date" she asks me loudly "Can we go back to the car now and take our clothes off?" Apparently she meant her toy dog's clothes. Face burning, we left a half laughing/half glaring crowd behind. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 717

You deserved it 3 199

16/02/2017 15:52

Today, a guy I like tried to talk to me. I got so nervous that I had a panic attack and puked in front of him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 667

You deserved it 362

13/07/2009 04:28

Today, my friend called to say my boyfriend was at a diner with another woman. I immediately went and caught them in a deep conversation. I slapped him and yelled "Who's this bitch!?" It turns out she's his half sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 589

You deserved it 88 724

20/09/2012 03:09

Spicy

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend trying on one of my little black dresses and heels. He wanted to "see what the fuss was about." I would have been angry if the sight of him dressed like this hadn't turned me on more than he ever has in the 3 years we've been dating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 738

You deserved it 6 110

03/02/2012 12:48

Today, I had to change my mobile number because I was getting abused by a guy, so I sent my new number to all of the people on my contact list. Including him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 887

You deserved it 50 152

13/01/2010 12:40

Today, my friend told me men can't be trusted. I told her that wasn't true; I have my husband's password to his email but I never check it because I trust him. She bet me he was doing something bad, and to prove her wrong I looked. Turns out he has been cheating on me for 8 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 778

You deserved it 5 486

17/12/2012 12:25

Today, I had to break up with my boyfriend when I caught him installing cameras in my bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 554

You deserved it 4 710

12/04/2017 00:00

Today, I broke my key unlocking my dorm room. When I pushed the door open in frustration, the door opened with no problem. Turns out it was unlocked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 540

You deserved it 1 672

26/11/2009 22:11

Today, I decided to make myself a nice meal. I bought expensive pasta and sauce etc. It looked delicious, I decided the finishing touch would be some parmesan cheese. I grabbed the bag and threw a handful of cheese on my meal. The cheese was about 98% mould. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 549

You deserved it 29 817

31/10/2014 10:46

Today, my friend thought she would "save me some time" by spoiling Game of Thrones. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 841

You deserved it 4 452

09/08/2016 00:04

Spicy

Today, my 12-year-old sister, who sometimes has difficulty coming up with the right words while speaking, used the word "intercourse" to replace "encounter". She was joking to my dad that she, "had an 'intercourse' with Bob Dylan." I can't get the image out of my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 804

You deserved it 1 313

10/02/2010 02:52

Today, I fell down the stairs, and my uncle came rushing over because he thought it was his 1 year old son. He saw me lying on the ground and said, "Oh. It's you," and then left to watch the hockey game. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 852

You deserved it 3 065

02/05/2016 04:21

Today, I turned on my ceiling fan for the first time in months. I then watched as hundreds of furry spiders were flung across the room at high speed, in a circular pattern. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 108

You deserved it 1 775

16/04/2011 19:18

Today, I got hurt and spent the remainder of the day limping. I wish I could say it was from something badass like roller derby, but I can't. A woman with a rolling cart filled with packs of Pepsi rolled over my foot on the bus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 015

You deserved it 4 093

10/03/2015 23:15

Spicy

Today, I jokingly sent my girlfriend a link to an article about giving better head. She didn't think it was funny, and has since sent me numerous articles about the female orgasm, and I just got a link to the Wikipedia article about the clitoris. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 594

You deserved it 57 343

29/11/2016 07:05

Today, I'm facing a disciplinary hearing at work because I occasionally fail to click the door properly shut when I leave the office and this is very upsetting to one of the six colleagues I share my office with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 006

You deserved it 1 338

29/05/2009 04:08

Today, I learned to never blast classic rock with your convertible's top down while passing an SUV full of gangbanger wanna-bes. That is, of course, unless you want your immaculate, newly detailed leather seats to be decorated with pretty brown and white milkshake stains. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 716

You deserved it 8 587

24/11/2009 20:20

Today, I met my wife's other husband. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 337

You deserved it 3 475

20/10/2010 18:41

Today, I told my boyfriend that I didn't feel like he loved me. His response? "Why else would I be with you? Your looks?" He was serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 447

You deserved it 8 664

09/12/2010 12:19

Today, I wanted to send a birthday card. I kindly asked my boss for an envelope, and she asked me to pay for it. I've been working for her as an intern for over a year now, without receiving any money for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 397

You deserved it 4 295

20/07/2019 22:00

Spicy

Today, I walked in on my brother masturbating. In the living room. For the second time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 752

You deserved it 227

01/06/2009 12:32

Today, I was riding a longboard down a hill and I fell off. I was all scraped up so I made sure to clean my wounds and put bandages on them. Turns out I'm allergic to the glue on the bandages and I have itchy hives all over and around my open wounds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 217

You deserved it 5 436

26/08/2014 18:11

Today, my boss asked me if I could work this weekend, doing the work of 2 people, for almost no extra pay. I had a weekend out with my kids planned, so I said I couldn't. My boss called it a shitty excuse, yet gave a free pass to a guy who claimed he had a "phobia of working on weekends". FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 625

You deserved it 2 680

23/08/2010 23:28

Today, I was driving home with my dad after buying a new truck. We were on the freeway and the engine wasn't revving up very much. My dad thought that something was wrong with my transmission, so he reached over to change gears. Most cars won't go into reverse at high speeds. Mine does. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 148

You deserved it 3 109

20/05/2009 20:49

Today, my dad told me about how my mother had a bad dream last night and began to scream "Don't take me, take my children!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 587

You deserved it 3 974

03/06/2019 00:02

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend in front of about 75 people in the fanciest restaurant in town. She told me she was already engaged, while holding up her right hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 159

You deserved it 535

31/03/2014 20:07

Today, while on patrol with my partner, we came across a guy getting a beat-down on the sidewalk. After restraining the attacker, we helped the victim to his feet, only for him to spit at us and call us "goddamn pigs". You're welcome, sir. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 206

You deserved it 4 487

21/05/2011 20:02

Spicy

Today, after three unsuccessful months of trying to make me orgasm, my boyfriend finally succeeded. It came from his car bumping up and down while we drove down a pot-holed road. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 939

You deserved it 6 092

05/02/2010 15:14

Today, I went out for a smoke before dinner. I glanced through the window only to see my husband take my cooking scissors, cut his toe nails and then put them back in the utensils canister without washing them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 753

You deserved it 6 402

Food for thought

By datgurllllukno - 15/10/2014 06:26

Spicy

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, I discovered that I climax sooner if I think about pretzels. Yes, pretzels. The food product. I'll never be able to eat them again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 144

You deserved it 5 945

23/01/2011 05:32

Today, I discovered I have bed bugs. I have nowhere else to sleep and I won't be able to afford a new mattress for at least a year. I'd better get used to these giant welts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 245

You deserved it 5 310

28/06/2011 07:32

Today, my boyfriend admitted that he stopped brushing his teeth two days after we started dating. Tomorrow is our 2 year anniversary. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 856

You deserved it 8 732

07/10/2010 00:48

Today, my parents gave me my birthday present. Two weeks ago, I ordered an xbox online. Three days ago, it came to my house, and my parents thought they could save money by putting wrapping paper on it, and giving it to me for my birthday. That's all they got me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 059

You deserved it 3 461

17/11/2012 18:35

Today, while working at the coffee shop, I had to empty the garbage cans. One of the bags gave way, and all the half-finished cups of coffee spilled all over my uniform. Most customers' orders cost more than I make per hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 048

You deserved it 2 282

02/03/2010 02:24

Today, I woke up with a headache. My girlfriend said it might be from the night before, explaining she punched me while I was sleeping because I was snoring in her ear, and she dreamed a bee was attacking her. I'm not sure if I'm more concerned that she punched me, or that it didn't wake me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 677

You deserved it 3 028

What did I say, Roy?

By Peter - 30/06/2021 18:01

Today, my wife said I was being difficult and unreasonable, and called my mother to talk to me about my behaviour. What did I do you ask? I dared to share my opinion on something I happen to feel strongly about, instead of just mindlessly agreeing with her opinion like I have for the past 22 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 837

You deserved it 189

04/05/2013 17:46

Today, I met my new roommate. She has a life-size cardboard cutout of Justin Bieber in her room, which I've seen her having actual conversations with twice already. I have to share a bedroom with this psycho. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 064

You deserved it 4 727

Dad, no, enough!

By Tooyoungforthis - 04/01/2013 00:34

Spicy

Today, I had to download a parental block so my dad would stop watching porn on my laptop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 352

You deserved it 2 288

08/01/2016 21:57

Today, I woke up early to bake cinnamon rolls for a party. I came home later to find the whole tray spilled onto the floor, most of the rolls eaten, and my dog sitting happily nearby. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 756

You deserved it 4 616

15/11/2014 14:43

Today, I went on a blind date. Not only did his phone go flat before I found him, but we were at totally different bars. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 168

You deserved it 3 172

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Wednesday 20 November 2013 18:51

On the bright side, now it's truly an autobiography!

perdix 29

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Wednesday 20 November 2013 18:57

Dipping your dog's paw in ink and making him step on a sheet of paper doesn't count. You need to forge a fourth letter!

Comments

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Wednesday 20 November 2013 18:50

aww poor OP. I'll be your friend! (:

perdix 29

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Wednesday 20 November 2013 19:00

#3, aw, you're so sweet! If the OP callously rejects your gracious offer, can I get in on some of that action? Um, ..., I mean, friendship action. Yeah, that's what I mean!

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Wednesday 20 November 2013 19:01

Don't be creeping on unsuspecting woman perdix :p

perdix 29

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Wednesday 20 November 2013 19:09

#15, no women around these parts are unsuspecting of me ;)

dingleberrysteve 6

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Wednesday 20 November 2013 22:17

jokes on you op doesnt want friends

TordNorski 30

Wednesday 20 November 2013 18:50

I'd do the same...

shadowedpixie 19

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Thursday 21 November 2013 9:03

Me too, I don't have any close friends, and besides my mom none of my family really knows me...

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Wednesday 20 November 2013 18:51

Time to start making some friends...

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Wednesday 20 November 2013 19:18

It's really hard for some people.

gAt_d 26

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Wednesday 20 November 2013 21:39

It can be really hard for some kids, social anxiety is a bitch.

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Wednesday 20 November 2013 18:51

Hey at least you got one....unless its your mom

buttery_nipples 12

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Thursday 21 November 2013 0:15

What's wrong with OP's mom?

fucMyLifeSoHard 18

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Thursday 21 November 2013 5:06

6- Well it did say from 2 family members...

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Wednesday 20 November 2013 18:51

On the bright side, now it's truly an autobiography!

cheshirecat13242 32

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Wednesday 20 November 2013 18:55

Bummer OP.. At least you don't have to worry that someone may have inaccurately depicted you

rob02 19

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Wednesday 20 November 2013 18:55

If you want something done you gotta do it yourself

perdix 29

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Wednesday 20 November 2013 18:57

Dipping your dog's paw in ink and making him step on a sheet of paper doesn't count. You need to forge a fourth letter!

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Wednesday 20 November 2013 19:28

I paid good money to let my dog paw paint! He's an arteest. Ok it was a 3 dollar donation to the shelter and the painting looks like crap. But I love it.

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Wednesday 20 November 2013 20:00

"We just figured out Blue's Clue 'Cause we're really smart."

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Thursday 21 November 2013 6:46

^^^ This guy...

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Thursday 21 November 2013 15:17

^^^ This guy....

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Wednesday 20 November 2013 19:00

I think they saw it as silly homework they want no part of. It's frustrating when they don't seem to care enough to understand. Sorry OP.

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Wednesday 20 November 2013 21:33

Or maybe they were too busy, I guess it depends how long the letters had to be.

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Wednesday 20 November 2013 19:00

Awww that's sad but at least you got it done