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Obey!

By twinkygaymer - 27/06/2020 02:02

Today, I got screamed at by a girl because I said I didn’t want to go on a date with her. I’m a gay man. FML

agreeclassic 1 731

vote type 1 202

It's too dark in here

By Bob smith - 19/12/2011 20:57 - Australia

Today, it was my first day working as a nightclub bartender. All through the evening, a really creepy bloke stood in a dark corner and leered at the girls on the dance floor. When I took the bouncer to one side to let him know, he told me the man was a coat stand. FML

agreeclassic 13 885

vote type 1 33 592

By Littlethings1 - 31/03/2016 17:07 - United States - Tallahassee

Today, my hair got stuck in my umbrella. I asked for help from passers-by, but all I got was weird looks as they hurried past me. FML

agreeclassic 19 215

vote type 1 1 904

By Anonymous - 24/07/2009 19:06 - United States

Today, I was at the mall with my friend when I saw my boyfriend in Victoria's Secret - with another girl. They were joking and laughing, and I was really pissed off. So I stormed into the store and slapped him. He looked up at me with an angry and confused expression. It wasn't my boyfriend. FML

agreeclassic 12 887

vote type 1 91 405

Movie going

By soembarassed - 18/03/2016 18:26 - Vietnam - Ho Chi Minh City

Today, a man kept talking and laughing like an idiot all through the movie I was watching. I thought he was high, so I called him a moron and told him to shut the hell up. It turned out he wasn't high. He was just "special". FML

agreeclassic 18 872

vote type 1 11 397

By notaprossie - 03/02/2010 08:42 - South Africa

Today, I went to a dress up party. The theme was pirates and prostitutes. At the door I was handed a voucher that said: 'Thank you for dressing up. Collect your free drink at the bar.' I didn't dress up. FML

agreeclassic 9 564

vote type 1 39 188

By thisguy - 08/10/2013 09:55 - United States - Fountain Valley

Today, my boyfriend accused me of cheating because according to him, our child does not have his hair color, eye color, or other facial features. Our son is five days old, bald and hasn't opened his eyes much. The closest thing I can probably compare him to is an old, wrinkly potato. FML

agreeclassic 59 742

vote type 1 4 747

By ananymous - 01/11/2012 03:04 - United States - Spencerport

Today, I was handing candy to a little boy who was trick or treating by himself. He was small enough to grab the candy and run past me into my house. I've been searching my house for two hours and still can't find him. I'm afraid to go to sleep. FML

agreeclassic 38 751

vote type 1 2 813

Cramped

By chelse_elyce - 21/01/2015 04:10 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend in his car. We were in the front seat and I was on top. My ass hit the horn and scared my boyfriend so bad, he jumped, causing me to hit my head so hard that I swear I got a concussion. FML

agreeclassic 34 855

vote type 1 13 391

Weird accusation, lady

By wrong state for that shit - 22/08/2020 04:48 - United States

Spicy

Today, my uncle’s girlfriend’s paranoid jealousy hit a new low. I woke up to several nasty, threatening texts from her, accusing me of sleeping with my own uncle. According to her, no uncle and niece could possibly be as close as he and I are without something freaky going on. I really hate her. FML

agreeclassic 2 626

vote type 1 146

Method acting

By hannahk267 - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was practicing my lines for theater class in the hall. My partner and I chose a script where we argue over me stealing her boyfriend. Since it started to sound like a real argument, another student said that I was a "crazy bitch" and punched me in the face. FML

agreeclassic 40 621

vote type 1 4 499

Collector's items

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I found out my dad has a folder full of baby pictures and things that I drew when I was younger, labeled, "Shit from when Annie was cute." FML

agreeclassic 37 884

vote type 1 4 084

By jazzterchic - 29/12/2016 15:03 - United States - San Antonio

Today, I found out that my boyfriend's mom doesn't believe you can get food poisoning from food that is cooked. She gave us food that had sat out all day/night and then got angry when I said we could get sick. FML

agreeclassic 5 631

vote type 1 401

By Anonymous - 12/01/2011 08:23 - Canada

Today, I told my husband I want to lose the baby weight I put on with my recent pregnancy, and once I succeed I will go on a clothes shopping spree. To this he remarked, "So either way I'm spending money; either on food or on clothes." FML

agreeclassic 26 312

vote type 1 10 883

High Times

By Anonymous - 08/09/2020 10:01 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, I got hit by a car while I was on the phone. I was sat at a bus stop. The driver was high and lost focus lighting another blunt. My family and some friends are mad that I'm pressing charges and making weed look bad in the media. FML

agreeclassic 2 088

vote type 1 378

In the doghouse

By Anonymous - 22/11/2021 11:01

Spicy

Today, in the middle of oral sex, I got a cramp in my tongue. Yes, it's a thing that can happen. My wife didn’t believe me, and since I’d already gotten a blowjob from her, she accused me of being lazy, selfish and no good at sex. This led to a huge argument and I’m now sleeping in my truck outside. FML

agreeclassic 1 682

vote type 1 348

By Mr_snuggels - 24/12/2014 20:05 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I witnessed my very overweight cat trying to jump over my fence, only to shit himself half way up, and then land in it. FML

agreeclassic 35 365

vote type 1 5 481

Mr_snuggels app_comment_confession_title

Mr_snuggels 16

Friday 26 December 2014 4:41

Hello, OP here. I've notice quite a few comments similar to this. So, I'll set the record straight on why my cat is "bigger", instead of assuming I'm a bad "cat parent". My cat has a metabolism disorder... Which means he doesn't have the same working digestive system as a regular cat. Which was caused by genetics from his mother, who was also an obese cat that also had a metabolism disorder as well. He was always a bigger cat. But now as he's getting older I've noticed his size increasing. I have talked to the vet about this. Since, Micky (my cat) is in good health, she just suggested to slowly make my indoor cat an outdoor cat, to try to make Micky more active in his daily routine, we also made changes into his diet. Every Time I let Micky outside I watch him, since he is not originally an outdoor cat. Therefore, it was a coincidence that Micky was feeling very adventurous as was trying to climb the fence, pooped himself, and fell in it. I agree, **** the cats life... But, guess who had to clean the mess?

By period_probs - 16/12/2014 01:23 - United States - King George

Today, my mom told me how lucky I was to inherit her "asymptomatic" periods. It's true, I don't get cramps, bloating or mood swings with my periods. Nope, just excruciatingly painful diarrhea. Thanks, mom. FML

agreeclassic 34 551

vote type 1 3 050

Scammy family

By scammed - this FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Phoenix

Today, I found out after spending my life's income on paying for my grandma's cancer treatment that she has been faking it. FML

agreeclassic 61 823

vote type 1 3 702

By ClaireBear150 - 20/09/2012 03:09 - Australia - Brisbane

Spicy

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend trying on one of my little black dresses and heels. He wanted to "see what the fuss was about." I would have been angry if the sight of him dressed like this hadn't turned me on more than he ever has in the 3 years we've been dating. FML

agreeclassic 31 885

vote type 1 6 178

By yesikilledit - 20/11/2018 13:30

Today, I woke up and saw a piece of black fuzz on my shirt. I tried to pick it off but it crawled into my hand and stabbed my skin with its sharp legs. I screamed like a little girl because I had a centipede on me. FML

agreeclassic 2 369

vote type 1 341

Goop

By Thisshitisbananas B A N A N A S - 27/01/2022 16:59

Today, an irate woman came into my store, screaming that she wanted a refund for the “defective” juicer we sold her. Apparently we’re all idiots who can’t build thing properly. I work at Best Buy and she was trying to juice bananas, but got mad they kept coming out as goop. FML

agreeclassic 1 435

vote type 1 109

By Anonymous - 17/11/2014 02:25 - United States - Dearborn

Today, I was counselling a soon-to-be teen mom. She has a younger step-brother, and when I asked her how she handled him when he cries, she said, "Oh, that's when you cover their face until they stop!" FML

agreeclassic 35 239

vote type 1 2 601

Good bye!

By Anonymous - 19/01/2020 20:00

Today I was walking around the mall and I saw my crush from high school. He came up to me and instead of talking to him I burped, and he just walked away. FML

agreeclassic 1 788

vote type 1 755

Hermit life

By Pookaa - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I got a text from someone I've been avoiding saying, "Can I come visit you today?" I replied, "No, sorry, I'm not home." They then replied "Then who is that in your living room?" FML

agreeclassic 39 196

vote type 1 8 406

By Anonymous - 29/08/2012 16:38 - United States - Columbia

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend texted me, saying, "I'm running a bath. Wanna come over and learn about water displacement?" I excitedly drove over, thinking he wanted to have some fun. No, he really did want to teach me about water displacement. FML

agreeclassic 37 017

vote type 1 6 975

By fme - 08/12/2010 14:34 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was making out with this guy, and I ask him if he wants to take my bra off. He has some trouble getting it off and says, "This is strange, I do it for my sister all the time." FML

agreeclassic 55 189

vote type 1 6 337

By boyfriendisatoss - 26/12/2009 07:22 - Australia

Spicy

Today, I had two surprises for my boyfriend who was at work. One was a dessert and the other was sexy lingerie. He chose the dessert. Then told me I was an idiot. FML

agreeclassic 23 526

vote type 1 5 118

By openmouthinsertfoot - 07/12/2010 17:21 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, I had to leave my one-night stand in my flat because I was giving a guest lecture at the local university. Halfway through, I hear someone sneaking in so I jokingly asked if they had a 'wild night out.' It was the guy I slept with. FML

agreeclassic 13 666

vote type 1 41 953

By Anonymous - 01/10/2011 02:01 - United States

Today, as I was walking home from school with my guy friends, my dad pulled up by the sidewalk, offered me a handful of dollar bills and said, "Get in, baby." Only after we drove away and he started laughing did I realize I'll probably never hear the end of this at school. FML

agreeclassic 31 345

vote type 1 6 844

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Keywords

Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Kids Parenting Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Intimacy Suspicious Sex Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

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Today, it's the beginning of Spring. Great. Time to surround the house with ant killer because the entire county is one big ant colony, and the city council won't do anything about it because it would require treating every square mile against ants. God forbid it rains. FML

agreeclassic 369

vote type 1 166

Today, I woke up to the sound of my little sister knocking on my door. Today's my birthday, so I thought she'd surprise me with something. Instead, she just asked me, "How's it feel to be a year older and still alone?" I just turned 20. The truth hurts. FML

agreeclassic 32 317

vote type 1 3 027

Today, my little sister used scissors she got from school to cut my hair in the middle of the night while I was asleep. Now it looks like someone went at my hair with a chainsaw, and my school's dress code doesn't allow me to wear a hat or anything else to cover it up. FML

agreeclassic 1 131

vote type 1 102

Today, I discovered that my fiancé had responded to an online missed connection posting. He has been emailing, exchanging pictures and making plans to go out with this girl. We are supposed to be married in the fall and just put down the non-refundable deposit on our reception site. FML

agreeclassic 34 717

vote type 1 3 299

Today, I tried to reheat some leftover pizza in the microwave but forgot to take the plastic wrap off. The microwave filled with smoke, and the plastic melted onto the pizza. I ate burnt plastic-flavored pizza for lunch, because pizza is pizza and I couldn't bring myself to through it away. FML

agreeclassic 61

vote type 1 667

Today, I was taking a poop when I heard a window in my house break. Then, I heard things dropping upstairs. I decided to stay in the bathroom, which has a lock, and called the cops. Turns out it was just a bird that was trying to get at my fish in the fish tank that I have in my room. FML

agreeclassic 21 893

vote type 1 2 526