Today, I called up my ex girlfriend to ask her if I could come...

By dude - France

Today, I called up my ex girlfriend to ask her if I could come round hers to get my pyjamas back. She replied: "I'm keeping them just in case..." - "In case of what?" - "In case I want to dress up like an asshole". FML

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Love

Out of it

Messed up

Too embarrassed to get them from a store?

By sleepingbeauty - United States - Jackson

Today, I got in a fight with my boyfriend. I sent him a long message pouring my heart out about how hurt I am that he constantly ignores me or responds to almost everything I say in monosyllables. He texted back "ok". FML

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By Brody89 - United States - Vancouver

Today, my overly-attached 14-year-old cat wanted attention while I was in a heated Skype argument with my girlfriend. Worked up from the fight, I raised my voice and said, "Not now, go away!" He ran to his little bed, had a heart attack and died. I was a complete dick to my cat in his last moments. FML

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By Around - United States

Today, after doing a graveyard shift at work, I took the bus home. I fell asleep on the way and woke up 25 miles away from my bus stop. I took another bus heading back and couldn't stay awake. I then woke up where I started from. FML

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By jigglypuff100 - United States

Today, while working at the zoo, I noticed a boy throwing candy into the warthog's exhibit. The fastest way to get there was to go through the exhibit, and speak to the kid from inside. I must have said three words when a lollipop hit me in the eye. Then the warthog peed on me. FML

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By eakthegeek - United States

Today, I was sexing it up with my boyfriend. Halfway through, he looked at me and said, "Y'know what you never see in a porno? Intellectual conversation. Read any good books lately?" He wouldn't keep going until I answered. FML

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By amandadonnelly97 - 1/5/2020 05:00

Xbox (not in) One (piece)

Today, after weeks of saving, we finally got our Xbox One delivered. The courier guy who was bringing it up the two stories of stairs tripped on his laces, throwing the package over the side of the stairs. FML

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By Sheliton - United States

Today, I learned how awful intertrigo smells. I spent a ton of money and years of my life to become a health care provider apparently to treat the yeast infection between an obese woman's fat folds. FML

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By Milo - Mexico - Mexico

Today, one of my tires blew out on the highway. I managed to slow down and pull over without dying, and went to get my spare tire. I found it right where it was supposed to be, knifed to hell and with a taunting note from my psycho ex taped to it. We broke up nearly 3 years ago. FML

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By amiezingme - United States - Swansboro

Today, my boyfriend's dream came true; he had always wanted to break a bed during sex. The bed he broke was a heirloom in my family for 150 years. The best part: he was by himself. FML

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By run4fun - United States

Today, I attempted to bleach my body hair so I wouldn't have to shave. A little while later, I realized that I'd also succeeded in bleaching my skin, which was incredibly noticeable. I'm hosting a pool party this weekend. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Tucson

Today, I have a final for my precalculus class. After hours of studying this week, I felt pretty optimistic. Until I got to class and realized that I'd forgotten my calculator. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/9/2020 02:02

Denied

Today, my wife asked me what I wanted for my birthday, and I said sex. She told me to grow up and ask for something more realistic. FML

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By kenz - United States

Today, I returned from a week-long vacation. My landlord told me he had let my boyfriend in my apartment to get something. I don't have a boyfriend. Everything in my apartment is gone. FML

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By No money, mo' problems - United States

Today, I witnessed an elderly lady getting mugged. I ran over to the guy mugging her and offered him the money in my wallet in return for him leaving her alone. The old lady snatched my money and ran away with the mugger. What the hell just happened? FML

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By Juliet - United States - Inglewood

Today, my Romeo and Juliet style relationship hit an all time low when my boyfriend's parents filed a lawsuit against my parents. FML

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By NAT - United States - Gaffney

Today, I found out that the reason my soda always tastes funny is because my fiancé likes to mix different flavors together to see if I'll notice. FML

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By aireeahna - United States - Cedar Rapids

Today, I went on a date with a guy I've been talking to. We ended up at his house around 4 a.m., but as we walked through the front door, his ex girlfriend was sitting on the couch, apparently waiting for him to get home. They still live together. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my boss texted me to say the office was closed because of the snow. I begged him to let me go in anyway because I had nothing to do all day. I have no life, friends or hobbies. FML

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By scully11 - Canada

Today, my old neighbor pelted me with apples when I walked out the door. I ducked for cover and asked what her problem was. She yelled, "You took fresh peas from my garden!" I looked at her garden, only to see my dad tiptoeing back to our lawn, laughing and holding a bag full of peas. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Redlands

Today, the CEO of my company wanted to meet with me. I was excited until I found out she just wanted to bitch me out and personally fire me. Later on, I found out my boss had totally shafted me and blamed the failure of a big project on me instead of admitting it was all his fault. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I started my community service at the dog pound. I like animals so I thought it would be a good place to do it. As I arrived they were throwing dogs that had been euthanized into a dump truck to be taken to a landfill. That was my job for the day. FML

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By getmeoutofthiscountry - United States

Today, I agreed to lend my daughter's inflatable pool to my neighbor for the day. Barely an hour later, I witnessed his son jump off their balcony, missing the pool by inches. He's now in hospital, and my neighbor has sworn to sue me, saying I'm responsible because the pool is mine. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my little sister put on some black eyeliner on my eyes. About half an hour later, my eyes started to hurt. Eyeliner never hurt for me; so I went to the bathroom to check it out. My sister wasn't using eyeliner. It was a black watercolor pencil. Now I have black bits inside my eyes. FML

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By save the koalas? uhh - Australia - Brisbane

Today, our guest lecturer told us to imagine 25,000 dead koalas in our lecture theatre, and if that didn't make us emotional then we didn't care about them. She then went on a rant, during which she encouraged us to join the "koala army". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Sioux City

Today, I had a babysitting job. When I got there, the parents were rushing out the door and told me they'd left instructions for the kids on the table. The first bullet point stated that the oldest was convinced she is possessed by the devil, but just to ignore it. Three more hours to go. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was walking through the park eating fries. There was an old woman feeding a few pigeons. They didn't seem too interested, so I threw some fries down as I walked by to try and help her out. About 2 minutes later, I heard screaming. A huge group of pigeons were attacking the old woman. FML

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By rayraydayday - United States - Englewood

Today, I was wearing a new tank top that was really cute. I later was talking to an attractive guy and thought he was giggling at me because he thought I was being cute and funny. I then realized he was giggling at the fact that I only shaved one armpit. FML

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By I don't know, son - Canada - Toronto

Today, I was lying beside my 5-year-old son to help him get to sleep. He turned his head and asked, "Daddy, why do you suck so much?" FML

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By wowzersthatsucks - United States

Today, I got a facebook relationship request from my crush of 2 and a half years. I was so excited until he posted on my wall, "Sorry wrong Catherine". FML

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By Masey - United States

Today, I was running late for work. As I hurried out the door, I managed to trip over my own feet, fall off the front porch, and key my new car. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got fired for taking time off to see my sister in the hospital after she got in a car accident. Before I got fired, I found out my boss took time off because her horoscope said she should. FML

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By RoseTylerTheDoctor - United States - Boise

Today, I told my crush how I feel about him. It's been over 12 hours and he still says he's thinking about it. I asked him about it ; he says he's thinking of how to reject me. FML

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By 420curse - United States - San Mateo

Today, I found out the "sex noises" I heard from next door last night, which I'd angrily yelled at my neighbor for, were actually from him having an uncontrollable seizure. FML

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By nadalada - United States

Today, My boyfriend gave me a gift card for $32 to a local salon. I thought the amount was kind of random, but when I went in I saw that the bikini wax was $32. FML

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By Leanna

Today, I cleaned my entire house. Ready for a fresh finishing touch in the bedroom, I grabbed the Febreze and lightly sprayed over my clean bedding, carpeting, and clothing. Then a pungent odor hit me. It seems someone forgot to label the bottle when they filled it with vinegar instead. FML

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By SuperShy - United States - Massillon

Today, I realized just how shy and awkward I really am when I averted my eyes to avoid making eye contact with someone who turned out to be a cardboard cut-out. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, during a game of manhunt, my brother and his friends thought it would be funny to tie me to a telelphone pole with my very own multicolored jumprope from when I was younger. They left me there. My mom drove by, stared and then laughed, She kept driving. FML

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By "Growlithe1395"

Today, I finally got my hands on a Nintendo Switch. While unboxing it, I left the room to get a pair of scissors. When I came back, most of the box contents were missing and my little brother was standing there. It has been about 5 hours and I still haven't been able to find anything. FML

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By TheNaturalOrderofThingsSucks - United States - Seattle

Today, after pouring my heart out to a beautiful girl on Facebook, and having her return the favor, she typed a final message that read, "That was my friend. Please f*ck off now. Thanks." FML

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By Tomtom - France

Today, I put on the same jeans that I had left in a bundle in my bedroom the day before. A few hours later, my boxer shorts decided to make their spectacular reappearance trick at the bottom of my leg in the middle of one of my meetings. FML

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Top comments

By maiden_girl | 5

#2159 - Saturday 14 February 2009 16:10

Hahaha! You must've really pissed her off... what did you do exactly that made you an asshole? I'm curious now.

By deartragedy51 | 0

#634 - Sunday 8 February 2009 7:58

psh. i should have done the exact thing with my ex. xD

COMMENTS

By deartragedy51 | 0

#634 - Sunday 8 February 2009 7:58

psh. i should have done the exact thing with my ex. xD

By Finnboghi | 0

#2005 - Saturday 14 February 2009 1:51

I think your ex is a bit of a bitch.

KingOfAmazing | 9

#4619106 - Wednesday 27 June 2012 1:34

OP's ex is a genius

mbusey | 20

#5232060 - Monday 10 December 2012 3:54

OP's ex is hilarious

By maiden_girl | 5

#2159 - Saturday 14 February 2009 16:10

Hahaha! You must've really pissed her off... what did you do exactly that made you an asshole? I'm curious now.

TheCookieComet | 23

#6207190 - Thursday 19 February 2015 23:44

The guy always does everything bad even if the girl cheats

daemonsparta | 16

#6367043 - Friday 31 July 2015 8:01

he dumped her because he didn't agree oral sex want cheating

By sillypun | 0

#4575 - Friday 20 February 2009 22:47

ZIIIIIIIIIIIIING!

tylerlovejoy | 0

#1725521 - Saturday 20 November 2010 6:23

shut the fuck up you fat fuck

By Jason_fml | 0

#6546 - Tuesday 24 February 2009 19:24

She should have burned them.

By Roll_It_Over87 | 0

#7089 - Wednesday 25 February 2009 14:53

LMAO

By kat666 | 0

#13423 - Wednesday 4 March 2009 0:50

Ouch!

By un_known_fml | 0

#15351 - Thursday 5 March 2009 1:53

oh thats a good one! xD

By heykay | 0

#18543 - Friday 6 March 2009 21:56

bahhah.
you're ex-girlfriends rad

SarahPicc | 3

#2341726 - Wednesday 13 April 2011 4:41

rad?! okay old timer.

By may_cause_fail | 0

#19159 - Saturday 7 March 2009 3:23

Did you expect a nice answer from an ex? :D