Today, I woke up and saw a piece of black fuzz on my shirt. I... - FML

By yesikilledit - 20/11/2018 13:30

Today, I woke up and saw a piece of black fuzz on my shirt. I tried to pick it off but it crawled into my hand and stabbed my skin with its sharp legs. I screamed like a little girl because I had a centipede on me. FML

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Understandable

Toxic parents

True hero

By Anonymous - 12/12/2010 02:20 - United States

Today, I got married. Tonight, I received the best orgasm of my life. Not from my husband; from the jacuzzi tub in our honeymoon suite, where he was passed out drunk. FML

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By loserwithlice - 26/7/2009 18:58 - United States

Today, I told my 8 year old daughter that she looks a lot like mommy. Now she won't come out of her room because she thinks she is ugly. FML

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By "cowboy_gold " - 25/1/2020 05:00

Don't ignore neighbor

Today, I came back to my dorm only to find the noise of my neighbor having loud sex. I thought I was talking in my head when I said at least do it against the other wall. But, when I was leaving later, he walked by apologizing and said that he thought that I was not there, then promised to do more quietly next time. FML

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By fired101 - 8/2/2010 06:04 - France

Today, it was my first day of work at a very high end company. While delivering coffee to my boss, I set it down on the edge of a magazine, where it spilled over, into his crotch. FML

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By ScrewedOver - 2/1/2010 00:09 - United States

Today, is January 1st. Last night, I threw a party. Only 3 people came. Luckily, one of the people who came was the love of my life, I had been hoping to get a midnight kiss from him. Unluckly, he decided to get back with his ex-girlfriend. At my party. They were liplocked almost the whole time. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/9/2020 13:58

My new friend

Today, I realized at the train station that every day for a month, I've been waving to a cardboard cut-out of a person in the morning. I thought they were real. They're cardboard. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/7/2019 22:00

Today, I got to a patient having a seizure and was approached by a bystander who said to me, "I have pharmaceutical grade essential oils, and they recommend Frankincense for seizures." Thank you? FML

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By Anonymous - 11/7/2016 07:58 - Bulgaria - Sofia

Today, my son finally got a job for the first time in his life. He only did it so he can upgrade his PC and buy Overwatch. He's 24. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/10/2015 16:58 - United States - Portland

Today, I went in for an interview for my first ever job. Just seconds after meeting the boss, I slipped on the linoleum floor. I was wearing a skirt. FML

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By minty - 14/3/2015 03:52 - United States

Today, after days of being too sick to leave my house, I went to get some medicine. While picking out cough drops, an old man leaned over and said, "You smell quite delicious today". I haven't showered and the only "perfume" I'm wearing is VapoRub. FML

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By anon - 22/11/2015 06:40 - United States - Costa Mesa

Today, I told my dad that scientists discovered a new sea creature. He said it was all b.s and that scientists just make things up to cover conspiracies. I'm a biological sciences major. FML

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By too eager - 25/4/2016 15:21 - Australia - Hurstville

Today, I had a date with an amazing girl so in the shower I wanted to make sure I was extra clean. With the soaped up shower puff in hand I tried to get as much of my back as I could which led to me pushing too far and dislocating my shoulder. FML

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By DesignNerd - 25/1/2019 18:00

Today, my best friend excitedly told me all about this new video game she'd just discovered that she thought I'd love. It was her Xmas present from me 2 years ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/6/2020 20:00

Responsibilities

Today, I got chewed out by my boss. Why? Because my coworkers haven't gotten their work done. Now I have to scan them their work for them to complete it. FML

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By 3peeps - 30/12/2011 07:13 - United States

Today, I came to the conclusion that I was right about thinking how much it would hurt to hit your head on a door-frame, stub your toe on a stone table leg, and then trip over your cat, who won't take it well and will probably claw your recently stubbed toe. FML

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By rmonk - 24/2/2016 13:13 - United States - Naperville

Today, I went to my required district science fair with my project about gliders and was a bit unprepared in terms of personal knowledge on the science behind gliders. I was hoping I would get a judge who didn't know a lot about aerodynamics. One of my judges was a glider pilot. FML

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By nothisfault - 5/12/2008 04:40 - France

Today, and as for the rest of my life, I will always have a husband whose breath stinks. FML

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By DD - 8/2/2010 14:18 - France

Today, my wife told me that she wants a divorce. Apparently, I'm taking too long to forgive her for having an affair. FML

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By MandMandM - 19/7/2010 06:38 - United States

Today, while I was at my boyfriend's house, I got my period. About an hour after I tell him I just got my period, he impatiently says "Is it over yet?" FML

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By fml - 22/6/2009 09:03 - United States

Today, I told my dad I was going to Walgreens and asked if he needed anything. He needed condoms, and that I should call him when I get there so he can explain the kind he likes. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/2/2016 02:16 - Canada - Richmond Hill

Today, my now ex-boyfriend accused me of wanting to screw his 11-year-old brother, all because I expressed interest in going to his birthday party. FML

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By newlyengaged - 8/1/2017 18:11 - United States - Atlanta

Today, my mother excitedly jumped up and down, announcing that one of her sweet younger coworkers got engaged. I wished she'd had the same reaction to my engagement when I announced it to her a few days earlier. FML

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By enderw - 16/6/2009 17:22 - United States

Today, I picked up my 17 years old daughter after a late night movie in down town and got pulled over by a cop. He questioned us for a solicitation. I told the cop that she was my daughter but he said "so you are the daddy" and laughed. Good to know that my daughter looks like a ho and I a perv. FML

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By GonnaGetFired - 31/3/2010 00:11 - United States

Today, I found out that I made inappropriate sexual comments to my boss while I was drunk on Saturday night. She won't tell me what I said. She just laughs when she sees me. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/5/2012 12:07 - Israel - Ramat Hasharon

Today, my boyfriend cuffed my legs to the bed. After the sex we discovered one of the cuffs wouldn't open. After an hour of trying to pry them open, I had to waddle with him to the fire station to have them removed in front of 4 amused firefighters. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/1/2014 20:55 - United States - Gardner

Today, I got my wedding photos back. The only decent picture of my husband and me together also featured a fat guy in a crop top behind us. FML

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By kklaucen14 - 6/8/2012 01:15 - United States - Connersville

Today, my boyfriend and I went to a party. He got drunk and started talking about how his hot blonde girlfriend gives him great blowjobs. I'm a brunette. FML

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By phukt - 19/5/2010 18:42 - United States

Today, after racing home with a jumbo package of toilet paper, I ran into my house to go to the bathroom. I then realized I'd left the toilet paper in the car. FML

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By irony - 16/8/2009 07:05 - United States

Today, I got a paper cut while opening my box of Band-Aids. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/9/2015 12:08 - United States

Today, I found out that my contact name in my girlfriend's phone is "Dipshit McFucktard". FML

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By woxliuke - 5/5/2016 18:44 - Lithuania - Vilnius

Today, my boyfriend and I went for a ride on bicycles. After a while, I couldn't see him ahead of me any more. I went back and forth for half an hour but could't find him, and started to think something happened. I went home to call him but saw his bike. Turns out my boyfriend is just an asshole. FML

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By Donnie - 18/7/2019 06:00

Today, I picked up a prostitute. The prostitute was my sister, and I picked her up from jail. FML

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By SterlingSilver91 - 3/9/2011 23:49 - Canada

Today, I woke up to a text from a girl I had slept with two nights ago. It read, "Please don't get mad if you notice a rash on your private parts. Sorry in advance." FML

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By thatsnotmyname - 3/7/2014 03:12 - United States - Calhoun City

Today, my boyfriend of a couple of weeks mixed up my name with his ex wife's name. After he said it, he looked at me and said, "You knew it was going to happen." FML

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2010 02:04 - United States

Today, I woke up finding out I had a wet dream last night. About someone other than my girlfriend. I don't remember anything about the dream, but my girlfriend remembers everything, aparently I talked through out my dream, she was right next to me listening. FML

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By Moon-chan - 30/6/2019 00:30 - Netherlands

Today, I was cycling home. On the way, my laces got stuck in the bicycle pedals and I couldn't move the foot that got stuck. The bicycle fell over, with me attached to it. Everyone was looking at me like, "What are you doing?" FML

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By KindStranger - 4/1/2020 20:00 - United Kingdom - Shrewsbury

Getting frisky

Today, I was walking home when I thought I saw a man beating up a woman in a phone box, I opened the door and pulled the man of the woman, turns out they where just "getting frisky" FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2012 21:38 - Canada - Kitchener

Today, during a family dinner, my favourite underwire bra got tired of its job and tried to shish-kebab my boobs. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/9/2020 20:06

Don't drag me into this

Today, my boyfriend's 13-year-old daughter called me a "stupid f**ing b****" on Snapchat because her dad wouldn't go on the trampoline with her. I had nothing to do with any of it. FML

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By thesadone - 3/7/2010 06:49 - United States

Today, I realized that the best and most entertaining part of my 3 day mini vacation was realizing my nipples work on the touch screen of my iPhone. FML

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Top comments

By ajh1800 | 25

#7726043 - Tuesday 20 November 2018 14:08

How do you confuse a centipede for black fuzz?!?!

By Ksweety_fml | 27

#7726034 - Tuesday 20 November 2018 13:44

I would flipped out. I hate those things.

COMMENTS

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7717024 - Wednesday 31 October 2018 18:19

I hope you ate it afterwards. It's wasteful if you don't.

By Ksweety_fml | 27

#7726034 - Tuesday 20 November 2018 13:44

I would flipped out. I hate those things.

By ajh1800 | 25

#7726043 - Tuesday 20 November 2018 14:08

How do you confuse a centipede for black fuzz?!?!

By onceuponatime456 | 16

#7726078 - Tuesday 20 November 2018 15:39

Centipedes do not stab people because they do NOT have sharp legs!

By A_Person | 5

#7726145 - Tuesday 20 November 2018 18:25

It crawled into your hand??? Did you go to get it removed?

By donb23 | 23

#7726339 - Wednesday 21 November 2018 4:43

Since you did not relay your age, its not that strange if you are 11.

By SkullHQ | 27

#7726379 - Wednesday 21 November 2018 7:30

I would've done the same.

By ike25 | 7

#7726406 - Wednesday 21 November 2018 9:08

I live in hawaii and nothing is scarier than a centipede.

By zuckerburg | 21

#7726496 - Wednesday 21 November 2018 12:21

You need to get your eyes tested if you can't tell "black fuzz" from a centipede...