Health: Today, I woke up with the flu. My wife thinks I'm faking it so... - FML

By blarghhhh - 28/02/2016 14:58 - United States - Owosso

Today, I woke up with the flu. My wife thinks I'm faking it so we don't have to go on date night, even though I've been on the toilet all day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 985

You deserved it 1 356

Taking stock

No data for you

That's a funny word, mom

By Paperboy - 28/03/2013 09:57 - Bosnia and Herzegovina - Ilijas

Today, the highlight of my day was when I found that there was finally toilet paper in the cubicle at work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 435

You deserved it 3 034

By and she blames me -_- - 13/10/2013 21:50 - Canada - Calgary

Today, some ass-bandit broke into my house by smashing a window, just so he could steal the ancient VHS cassette player that my wife wouldn't let me throw away. Thanks, scumbag, but the front door was unlocked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 209

You deserved it 4 331

By mathii - 23/07/2011 23:52 - France

Today, I was doing swimming practice at the pool. I suddenly got breathless, dizzy, and felt like I was drowning. I cried out to the instructor, telling him I had a weak heart. He shouted back, "I don't care about your girlfriend's problems! Swim, bitch!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 684

You deserved it 6 131

By SoundConfuser - 13/10/2010 11:58 - Australia

Today, after spending the three previous nights cursing the noisiest bird alive that continually disrupts my sleep to the point where I just want to smash the damn thing's head in with a rock, I realised it's been my pedestal fan the entire time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 442

You deserved it 32 122

By Jaggu - 29/04/2011 20:25 - United States

Today, I ran into an old friend from college on the bus to work. Having not seen each other in over 10 years, we spent a good 15 minutes talking about our lives after college. At the end, he asked me what my name was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 286

You deserved it 5 088

By chi-huaHUA - 04/12/2010 07:08 - United States

Today, I walked outside to see my friend frantically waving and running at me, yelling something I couldn't understand. I smiled and started to jog over to him until I realized he was screaming "RUN!!!" We spent the next 10 minutes running from his neighbor's 5 vicious chihuahuas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 068

You deserved it 6 741

You can't win

By fatty fatfuck - 10/05/2020 17:00

Today, after losing my job and being quarantined alone, I realized I've gained quite a bit of weight due to depression. I decided to do something about it and walk around my neighborhood. A group of teens followed me laughing and hurling insults until I cried. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 174

You deserved it 187

Dumpster Fire Boyfriend

By Wowseriously - 18/09/2019 12:00 - United States

Today, I was talking to my boyfriend about how hard it is to wash long hair. While I was talking, he interrupted and said, "Wait, you actually wash your hair?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 397

You deserved it 159

Another brick in the wall

By Anonymous - 14/11/2021 10:59 - United States - Vancouver

Today, I ran into one of my exes, and she seemed straight up shocked to see me. She said, "OH MY GOD! You're alive?" like I was a suicide risk or something. Nope, turns out her last 3 boyfriends before me were so unstable that when she cheated on them, they killed themselves shortly after. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 108

You deserved it 63

Disappointing

By WhoopsIDidItAgain - 05/11/2021 09:00 - United States - Morgantown

Spicy

Today, I realized that just because he danced with you, groped you, and told you he wants to sleep with you, doesn't mean that he likes you and won't leave you on "delivered" for days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 839

You deserved it 435

By mrdentist - 02/12/2010 13:20

Today, I was cleaning one of my elderly patient's teeth. After finishing and reminding her to floss, I realised she had died. Supposedly she was dead for a good 20 minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 745

You deserved it 5 514

By Mr. Sniffles - 23/03/2015 15:43 - United States - Hamilton

Today, my teacher took my test along with another student's and gave us both a zero. Why? Because we both have colds so when we breathe through our nose it makes a sniffle noise. She thought we were using a secret code to communicate by sniffling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 089

You deserved it 2 606

By That_guy - 12/02/2012 06:02 - United States

Today, I got a new job. This would've been a good thing, but apparently, the person I'm replacing was very well-liked around my workplace. All of my co-workers hate me now for replacing someone who I don't even know. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 444

You deserved it 2 113

By avanti - 24/04/2009 06:41 - United States

Today, I was studying for a midterm, so I put my computer on the side of my desk to make more room for my books. My roommate came in while I wasn't paying attention and tackle-hugged me from behind - I fell over, knocking my computer out the window. I live on the 8th floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 572

You deserved it 7 902

Douchebag Alert!

By amy - 02/04/2018 09:00 - United States

Today, my brother bragged about the number of break-up texts he sent this week while driving. I don't know what's worse, the fact that he was dating 3 girls, that he broke up with them over text, that he was texting and driving, or that he's proud of his actions. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 597

You deserved it 277

Great first day

By TordNorski - 03/10/2015 02:44 - United States - Rancho Santa Margarita

Today, I started a new job at a family owned business. About ten minutes into training, the mother and father started an argument that ended in each of them storming off, demanding a divorce. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 757

You deserved it 1 408

By shit... - 05/07/2009 18:16 - United States

Today, I sent out my monthly curriculum list to the parents of the kids in my math class so they can see what their children will be learning. I usually end my e-mails with the phrase 'math is power'. Now, 154 parents got an e-mail saying 'meth is power'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 871

You deserved it 23 755

By dormlyfe - 24/09/2015 02:23 - United States - Moraga

Spicy

Today, I met new people at my dorm, only to find they already knew me because they listen to my boyfriend and me have sex all the time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 983

You deserved it 22 690

By cat-astrophic - 25/02/2015 15:44 - United Kingdom

Today, after 3 years of studying to be a veterinarian, I found out I may not be able to continue. It's not because I'm failing my classes, but because my body has developed an allergy to cats. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 020

You deserved it 2 828

By Creep - 28/03/2009 00:24 - Canada

Today, me and my friend decided to spy on my crush. He lives across the street, so we climbed on the roof of my house and watched him with binoculars. He was working out, and after 5 minutes he started writing something. He put a piece of paper against the window and it said, 'Stop watching me.' FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 299

You deserved it 149 166

Toilet training

By Anonymous - 22/04/2012 17:12 - United States - Houston

Today, I came down with food poisoning of some sort. After hours of scrambling to the toilet to vomit and empty my bowels, my three-year-old daughter got fed up and is now trying to potty-train me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 284

You deserved it 2 750

By disgruntled - 09/12/2015 15:01

Today, my boss is writing me up for not signing a report before I left work. He refused to print the report that day, and I don't have access to the printers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 236

You deserved it 1 498

By Anonymous - 29/01/2010 07:25 - United States

Today, after having been a vegetarian for 8 years because I'm opposed to cruelty to animals, I lost a bet and had to eat a whole cheeseburger. I loved it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 318

You deserved it 58 478

By Mikimiks93 - 02/07/2010 15:05 - South Africa

Today, while driving on a totally deserted, long, straight road in the middle of the bush, I sneezed and drove right into a pole on the side of the road. It was the only pole for over 50 km. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 421

You deserved it 7 878

By Anonymous - 14/02/2014 17:11 - United States - Middletown

Today, my live-in mother-in-law brazenly swiped most of the money from my wallet, then walked out of the room as if nothing had happened. The worst thing is that my wife believes anything she says, so I can't do a damn thing about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 551

You deserved it 4 560

By Anonymous - 21/01/2012 10:45 - Russian Federation

Spicy

Today, I got home from my 6-week vacation. Apparently, my mum cleaned my room for me while I was gone because my vibrator was neatly tucked into my blanket, next to my pillow instead of being hidden under my bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 346

You deserved it 9 279

Very smart

By Leauge - 28/01/2020 20:00 - United States - Owensboro

Today, I woke up to find out my house was robbed. He didn't steal anything of value, but he stole my beer, dog, and cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 339

You deserved it 281

By ThinZ - 24/12/2011 00:26 - United States

Today, I invited a few of my co-workers over to play video games. Within an hour, my wife had gotten drunk, grabbed my controller, told me to "get back in the kitchen", and described to everyone in blood-chilling detail how she took her first boyfriend's virginity. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 395

You deserved it 3 854

Bigmouth strikes again

By Anonymous - 19/09/2020 08:01 - United States

Today, my boyfriend came over. My mom told him the story about the time she caught me having sex with my ex-boyfriend. My ex is his best friend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 707

You deserved it 1 079

DINOSAURS!!

By Anonymous - 13/04/2020 23:00

Today, I tried to cook an extra healthy, vegetable filled meal for my boyfriend and I. Not only did we notice the vegetables were off a little too late, but he also found my hair in his bowl. We had to settle for turkey dinosaurs and spaghetti loops instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 085

You deserved it 817

By xXx - 16/10/2009 08:20 - United States

Today, my girlfriend thought it would be a funny prank to put duct tape on my eyes while I was sleeping so that when I woke up, I would be blind. I have no more eyelashes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 278

You deserved it 3 039

By Anonymous - 21/08/2019 06:00

Today, my boyfriend would not ride in my convertible with the top down because he "didn't want to mess up his hair." My boyfriend is prissier than I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 417

You deserved it 403

By Anonymous - 13/10/2011 08:17 - United States

Today, somebody ordered pizza and sent it to the house across the street from them, so they could shoot at the pizza guy with an air-soft gun from the upstairs of their house. I was that delivery guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 497

You deserved it 2 250

Judgmental much?

By Steven - 03/09/2019 12:00 - United Kingdom - Llanelli

Today, at a supermarket, I ran into a girl I knew in high school. She had 2 kids with her and they were buying school supplies. My cart was full of beer and snacks. After a chat, she left, not before saying, "I hope things get better for you." I have a job and a girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 527

You deserved it 228

By PerpetuallyHappy - 25/09/2012 23:20 - United States - Rochester

Today, I got sent to the principal's office because my Dad decided that instead of signing his name, he would sign, "Ms. Bigtits", because he wanted to make sure the teachers were paying attention to what their students handed in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 798

You deserved it 1 908

By prinzess - 09/12/2010 14:20 - Germany

Spicy

Today, I said to my wife that I wished I had met her 20 years ago. Her response was, "Twenty years ago I had beautiful tits and many options, I wouldn't have even looked at you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 048

You deserved it 5 873

Shaving!

By John Doe - 07/01/2020 05:00

Today, my girlfriend told me that if I shaved, my penis might seem bigger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 976

You deserved it 440

By Anonymous - 28/11/2009 05:25 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was explaining the inner parts of a vagina and how they work. To my boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 506

You deserved it 6 702

By LacrosseFAIL - 16/07/2016 22:33 - United States - Schaumburg

Today, after a long day at work, I walked into my room with the lights off and jumped on my bed. At least I would've if I haven't rearranged my room and instead face-planted onto my desk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 009

You deserved it 4 735

Fetishes come in all sizes

By unboned - 11/05/2016 17:30 - United States - Katy

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend got a raging boner while looking around at a gun store. He hasn't had any sexual interest in me in months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 447

You deserved it 2 774

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

Send a private message

Monday 29 February 2016 7:35

date night in a bathroom

Send a private message

Monday 29 February 2016 8:05

Wow. Unless you have a habit of faking illnesses or cancelling dates for bogus reasons, it was kinda asshole-ish of him not to trust you. And even then, if you are crying and begging for the hospital, refusing is potentially putting your health at risk due to his own anger. I'm glad he is taking care of you now though...he better have apologized! Anyways, I hope your recovery goes smoothly. Appendicitis seriously sucks! xD

Comments

Send a private message

Monday 29 February 2016 7:32

Sounds like my comments suck

PotatoesAndCake 26

Send a private message

Monday 29 February 2016 11:22

Sounds like an over-used joke

Dale_shackleford 13

Send a private message

Monday 29 February 2016 13:56

Go back to ifunny number 1

Vagitarian4life 14

Send a private message

Monday 29 February 2016 7:33

Invite her into the restroom with you next time.

CheekyRaccoon 27

Send a private message

Monday 29 February 2016 8:24

Yeah, that's the spirit. Light some candles, throw down some rose petals and play some Kenny G, it'll be fully sick.

Send a private message

Tuesday 1 March 2016 0:41

Caring means sharing.

Send a private message

Monday 29 February 2016 7:35

date night in a bathroom

StormfrontX33_fml 24

Send a private message

Monday 29 February 2016 7:36

I think your wife's reason flu out the window. Either way, feel better OP.

Send a private message

Monday 29 February 2016 10:11

Not sure how I feel about that pun...

countryb_cth 38

Send a private message

Monday 29 February 2016 12:31

It's not a "that's a shitty situation" pun so I'm happy.

Send a private message

Tuesday 1 March 2016 20:25

*claps slowly* give this person an award

KhaleesiDannie 26

Send a private message

Monday 29 February 2016 7:38

I'm sorry that happened OP you think she'd be more sympathetic something similar happened to me and my husband for our anniversary I hope you get better

Ashd09 30

Send a private message

Monday 29 February 2016 15:50

Punctuation. Use it please

KhaleesiDannie 26

Send a private message

Monday 29 February 2016 17:28

Nah don't care enough over the Internet to be happy I at least spell things correctly most of the time

herpderp1234 17

Send a private message

Monday 29 February 2016 7:40

It's that time of year...

Send a private message

Monday 29 February 2016 7:41

FYL, OP. I hate it when people think that you're faking it, although you probably aren't. I agree with everyone else, so far.

Send a private message

Monday 29 February 2016 7:46

Good luck, OP!

nightstalker94 18

Send a private message

Monday 29 February 2016 8:00

That's what I call a sticky situation

Send a private message

Monday 29 February 2016 8:05

Wow. Unless you have a habit of faking illnesses or cancelling dates for bogus reasons, it was kinda asshole-ish of him not to trust you. And even then, if you are crying and begging for the hospital, refusing is potentially putting your health at risk due to his own anger. I'm glad he is taking care of you now though...he better have apologized! Anyways, I hope your recovery goes smoothly. Appendicitis seriously sucks! xD

Send a private message

Monday 29 February 2016 8:30

I like the taste of sweat.

Nearly

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21

You deserved it 6

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34

You deserved it 8

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my wife announced she wants to incorporate a saddle into our lovemaking. This might be fine, except she wants me to wear an actual 30-pound saddle, and I have bad knees. FML

I agree, your life sucks 438

You deserved it 57

Today, my daughter finally learned that you can’t sleep your way to success, after she tried and failed to seduce her married boss, was sacked, and blacklisted as a potential lawsuit throughout every company specialising in her chosen career field. FML

I agree, your life sucks 717

You deserved it 216