The Top

K, so this is Shelby, the person who wrote the FML. To whoever it may concern: When this guy asked me whether the rock was alive, I thought he was being sarcastic so I replied, "YES!! Haha." Then he wrote something down in his notebook and I asked if he was kidding. He looked up and said, "Just tell me the answer, I wanna finish my homework." Then he asked me if pasta was alive.

Itchy and Scratchy

By Ashley - 15/04/2021 21:30

Today, I was getting ready for a very unpleasant doctor's appointment. I got out of the shower and used a new body spray all over my torso and arms. Turns out I'm allergic to it and now my skin is on fire, so now I get to go to an already uncomfortable appointment even more uncomfortable than I'd planned. FML

I agree, your life sucks 891

You deserved it 210

By La Guigne - 08/04/2013 21:10 - United Kingdom - Northampton

Today, I was in the break room with my colleagues and our awful boss. As ever, he was talking trash, convinced that his jokes were actually funny. The window was open, and it was chilly. As he walked by it, I mangled my words and said, "Cedric, could you please shut your mouth?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 674

You deserved it 7 896

By averagepromedio - 28/08/2010 08:41 - United States

Today, I went over to my boyfriend's house to break up with him. After I left his house, I realized that my cell phone had fallen out of my pocket and onto his couch, where I had forgotten it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 093

You deserved it 18 217

averagepromedio tells us more.

averagepromedio 0

Sunday 29 August 2010 11:18

Okay people, I guess I forgot to add at the end, "The wait at his front door while he got it for me was extremely awkward." Sheesh. And yes, I am very thankful that a couple of 18 year olds can actually be mature enough to handle a breakup well. I did it in person, and when I forgot my phone, he didn't mess with it, and I went back myself to get it. I found the situation more humorous than anything, so this post wasn't really like whining, just kind of like "Hmm, of all times something like this could happen, it just so happened to be the time I broke up with him. That sort of sucks, but it's a good story."

By SheWentCrayola - 17/10/2009 02:04 - United States

Today, I met some guys from my dad's workplace. They told him what a pretty daughter he had, to which he responded, "Nah, it's just shit-loads of makeup." FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 993

You deserved it 7 597

Right place, wrong body

By Anonymous - 26/04/2021 14:00

Today, I came home and heard a noise in the bathroom. I figured it was my girlfriend, so I went over and as the door closed, I told her not to close it because I'd seen her beautiful body before. Turns out it was our roommate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 285

You deserved it 1 171

Getting on

By Kelly - 05/07/2022 22:00

Today, I learned the hard way that age is not just a number when I completely threw out my back while sitting on the ground, gently tossing a ball. FML

I agree, your life sucks 846

You deserved it 118

Agent of chaos

By Anonymous - 08/10/2023 05:00

Today, I left my car window slightly open while I went shopping. When I returned, I discovered that what I assume to be a mischievous squirrel had got into my car and chewed through the wires in my dashboard, causing extensive damage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 604

You deserved it 233

Great job, dude

By Anonymous - 21/04/2021 23:01 - Australia

Today, after my boyfriend of three years and I had our first child together last year and he was so hands on, now when I ask him to help with the baby he tells me I’m the primary carer, and that he’s not ready to be a dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 098

You deserved it 218

By ifmlftw - 22/06/2011 04:03 - United States

Today, I was sitting next to a lady on an airplane who was very overweight. She fell asleep on me, and violently bled from her nose upon take off and landing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 124

You deserved it 3 064

Two wheels not so good

By Dana O'Neil - 24/04/2021 00:30

Today, it's been 4 days of recovering from a motorcycle accident. Which happened 5 hours after it was delivered. I went face-first through a garage door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 403

You deserved it 959

By Maddie - 20/06/2011 20:05 - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend uses me for two things. 1) My food. 2) My sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 932

You deserved it 5 636

Storage wars

By Alyssa K Scheiber - 26/04/2021 02:00

Today, my boyfriend of almost 5 years told me that his reason for staying with me is because he doesn't want to go through our storage unit to decide who would get what. We've had the storage unit for 2 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 944

You deserved it 121

Teenage jealousy

By Anonymous - 22/06/2022 16:00

Today, we missed our flights to our dream honeymoon destination, which we were lucky to get with so many flight cancellations, because my selfish stepdaughter anonymously called the airline to report us for drug smuggling, all because I married her dad this afternoon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 190

You deserved it 992

By PCJJacket - 05/05/2014 17:30 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I had sex with my girlfriend while my parents were out. After they got home, my dog brought out our used condom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 242

You deserved it 26 178

By shocked - 12/10/2009 14:52 - United States

Today, my "future" wife got drunk in front of my parents, who she was meeting for the first time. She called my dad a piece of shit and told my mom she wants to tear her own eyes out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 714

You deserved it 5 704

Late night

By Ring a ding ding - 15/10/2023 21:00 - United States

Today, because my room was cold as ice, I couldn't sleep in there, so I went to my living room. It was at that moment that I realized just how bad my tinnitus is when I don't have my fan or any other form of constant noise to drown it out. I couldn't stop focusing on it, so I remained awake all night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 611

You deserved it 131

By wtf - 03/05/2014 16:50 - Germany - Ramstein

Today, I had a nightmare and woke up in a cold sweat. My girlfriend was in bed with me at the time, and swears I yelled out another girl's name. She considers this proof that I'm cheating on her, and now she won't even speak to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 074

You deserved it 5 308

By Barney - 18/06/2011 16:10 - United States

Today, I painted my daughter's bedroom. When I wasn't paying attention, the cat walked through the paint tray. There are now Barney purple paw prints all over the house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 867

You deserved it 9 167

TSA

By androgynous - 30/03/2009 17:44 - United States

Today, I was going through airport security. As my bags were being scanned, I was told that I was selected for extra searching. Right as the security guard was about to frisk me, he froze up and asked me, "You're a male, right?" I am, and I used to think that it was obvious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 590

You deserved it 4 762

Caught

By Kiki - 28/04/2021 08:03 - Belgium

Today, I was home alone while my family was on a trip for 3 days at the beach. I walked around naked and did stuff, thinking they wouldn't know. After a whole evening of doing stuff like that, I noticed a camera. They were filming it all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 310

You deserved it 511

By booearns - 17/04/2012 03:47 - United States

Today, I visited my doctor upon coming home from University. I found out that I'm severely allergic to our pet bunny, which has resulted in a rash taking over my body. She suggested that we get rid of the bunny. I told my mom. She told me to come home less often. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 967

You deserved it 3 184

Dark

By bloomrosalind8976 - 02/05/2021 16:59

Today, I admitted to my SO that I wanted to kill myself. They told me it was abusive to tell them that, and claimed I was just using it as a tool to control them. What they don't know is I attempted it by overdosing the other day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 232

You deserved it 250

Sea legs

By have it your way - 29/04/2014 19:13 - United States - Rochester

Today, during a boat trip with my boyfriend's family, I got seasick and went to the side of the boat to puke. A current rocked the boat so badly that I fell overboard, prompting a panicked rescue and my boyfriend's mom muttering that I'm a pathetic attention whore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 159

You deserved it 5 079

By ... - 15/04/2012 21:26 - United States - Clermont

Today, I arrived at work, only to find my computer's massive CRT monitor had been smashed up beyond belief. Everyone else has flat-screen monitors, and I'd made no secret of how unfair it is to me. According to my boss, this makes me the obvious culprit, and now I'm suspended. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 762

You deserved it 2 801

Small is beautiful

By dickless wonder - 21/10/2023 10:00

Today, I met up with a girl I've been hanging out with a bunch recently. She said that we should be a couple, "unless you have a micropenis", then laughed. I actually do have a micropenis. I couldn't hold it together, and ran out of the bar, crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 880

You deserved it 202

No good deed…

By noespresso - 15/08/2010 20:20 - United States

Today, after already having a terrible day, I went to Starbucks for an espresso. Being nice, I put the last dollar I had in my wallet in their tip jar. While paying for my drink, my card was denied for insufficient funds. The world hates me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 795

You deserved it 6 463

FML on Facebook

Keywords

Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Parenting Kids Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Sex Intimacy Suspicious Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

The Top

Today, I got a mailer from Adam and Eve with a bunch of hardcore porn ads inside. I have been getting these since I ordered a Pirate porn video a few months ago. I was gone for a few weeks overseas. My mother-in-law was getting the mail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 313

You deserved it 28 162

Today, I went out to dinner with my mom and several of her friends. My mom spent the entire night gushing about my Ivy League school and med student boyfriend. I attend a state university and I'm single. She threatened to cut me off if I didn't play along. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 190

You deserved it 1 044

Today, I had to take a leak, so I went into a porta-john. I noticed another man's hand under the door with a cell phone. Angered, I aimed my stream at his hand and phone. He tilted the porta-john over in response. It was full. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 831

You deserved it 23 385

Today, I jokingly told my boyfriend that he should sing the "I'm too sexy for my shirt, so sexy it hurts…" song before we had sex. Now, every time we have sex, that song is going to be in my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 717

You deserved it 2 058

Today, my husband decided to drain his motorcycle oil into an empty bottle of laundry detergent. Also today, I decided to lift a stain out of my white comforter with some detergent I found in the garage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 939

You deserved it 12 430

Today, I saw an adorable girl at the bar and I went to talk to her. I decided to use my cheesiest pick up line to make her laugh. After I said it, she knew who I was. It was my cousin I hadn't seen in 8 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 653

You deserved it 16 077