By Anonymous

Tonight, on First Dates…

Today, I discovered that pictures really make a person look more attractive than they really are. Besides the downgrade in attraction, we got to spend the next two hours playing an awkward game of 20 questions. This from a guy that wanted nudes right away. So much for online charm. FML

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Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Taking stock

Time for the ER

By prisonbitch - United States

Today, after five different interviews, I got an offer for a great job. I was excited to fill out paperwork and get the ball rolling, until they called and said that I didn't pass the criminal background check. I get off probation in less than a week. FML

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By Puppy_Killer - 16/12/2020 23:02 - Australia

Murderer!

Today, I was backing out of my garage when my neighbour's collie ran behind my car. Unfortunately, I didn't see it, but I heard a thump. They were out, so I rushed him to the vet's. I was upset, and I guess I was driving too fast and didn't see that another dog was crossing the road. I killed two dogs today. FML

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By MrandMrsRendon20 - United States

Today, I complained to my boss about how my printer wasn't printing colored ink even though I had just installed a new cartridge yesterday. Upon investigation, she noted that I forgot to take off the protection sticker from the cartridge. Good job. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Lloydminster

Today, on more than one occasion, I was mistaken for my boyfriend's mother, by his own family. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/3/2021 20:01

Wake up Boo!

Today, my work made us all get up at 3 a.m. to head to the airport for our 7 a.m. flight, only for us to get to the airport and find out the flight is cancelled. FML

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By PeedMom - United States - Cedar Bluff

Today, I had to pee really badly. I rushed to the bathroom, pulled down my pants, and sat on the toilet. After a few seconds of peeing, I realized I had only pulled down my pants. Not my underpants. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She was so happy that she began flapping her hands around and screaming. She was flapping her hands so hard she smacked herself in the face and started crying. FML

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By Red Toad - 30/11/2020 00:04 - United States - Litchfield Park

Wokescolds gonna get you

Today, I realized the topic for my 1750-word essay could end up offending people, and I had to start all over from the beginning with a different topic. FML

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By BrokeandDesperate - United States

Today, a 65 year old toothless gas station attendant asked me out on a date in exchange for free gas, and I said yes. This is what my unemployment has come to. FML

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By BOHICA123 - United States - Brighton

Today, being so desperate for money, I accepted a job in which I get shot at with paintballs for 6 hours. FML

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By blahmylife - United States

Today, my boss is being so cheap, he'd rather type in the dark, not fix our water heater or replace our cordless phone because he will not get his bonus if he goes over the budget. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up excited to go trick-or-treating, the treat being candy. Instead, my town has officially postponed Halloween due to blackouts. I guess this is where the trick comes in. FML

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By Ants everywhere but my pants - United States - Sun City Center

Today, I left the windows open because I live in Florida without air conditioning because the asshole landlord won't fix it. There was nice cool air from the rain. I've killed about 100 flying ants that have made their way inside. Now I have a hot house with closed windows and flying ants. FML

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By BlakeVB

Today, the girl that I had a crush on for over a year, from whom I recently moved on from, told me that she likes me. I’m dating a new girl. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/12/2020 20:01 - Malaysia

Little shit

Today, I went to the graveyard with my little brother to visit my grandfather's grave. While we were there, my brother suddenly asked me, "Can you die now? I hate you." He's 7 year-old. FML

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By Scooter

Today, I replaced the battery in a closet’s electronic keypad door lock, and I accidentally locked myself inside. My family was traveling, so I had to call a neighbor. He got me out, but took pictures and posted to social media. FML

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By dorianseiji - France - Amiens

Today, I ate an apple. My sister then walks in dressed as a witch, and asks, "Have you seen my poisoned apple?" She was playing at Snow White, and the apple had been dipped in the toilet, the cat's food bowl and the garbage can. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Belmont

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, because he didn't trust himself not to cheat on me. What? FML

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By GetMeTheDamnBleach - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I smashed a spider with my pencil eraser. Later, I absentmindedly chewed on it while doing my homework. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/6/2020 05:08

Targeted

Today, I woke up and went down to my apartment's underground garage/laundry area to do my laundry and noticed my family's car in the back of the lot, as far away from the garage door as can be, had been broken into. The other, more expensive cars around the garage were untouched. FML

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By Extended_desktop - Poland

Today, I got bored and decided to visit a porn site. I typed in the address and hit enter. A split second later, I realized I wasn't typing into the browser address bar, but in a chat window on my other screen. I'd been chatting with a girl I wanted to get with at the time. FML

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By Howdoiwatchpoliticsnow - United States - Newton

Today, I tried to get my son off of the couch by turning off the wifi. Afterward, I went to watch tv. Turns out he got me back by turning off the cable. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/9/2020 19:07 - Ireland - Dublin

Freak out

Today, some jackass spider decided to lay eggs behind my wall. No matter how many I kill, I always wake up to multiple baby spiders on my ceiling. FML

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By cnamobi - United States

Today, a tornado watch has been instituted in my town. At this moment, I have violent diarrhea, and my toilet sits right in front of a window. FML

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By notmuchfun - United States

Today, my mother continued her lifelong habit of talking to anyone who isn't white in extremely slow, exaggerated "caveman" English. She insists that she isn't being racist, but rather is helping. FML

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By JJMan217 - Canada

Today, I found out that using a certain hand sanitizer as masturbation lube will put you in the hospital and result in having to wear an adult diaper for a week. FML

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By awks - Australia - Doncaster East

Today, I was dismissed from my job at an unemployment agency. In order to receive financial support from the government I need to be cooperating with a job service provider. They paired me up with the same place I was just fired from. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Sydney

Today, I found my dad's porn stash on his laptop. I went through it for a laugh to see what kind of sick, twisted shit he's into. Mostly nude pictures of my mum, as it turns out. I can't wipe the afterimage from my mind. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/6/2020 17:01

OK sweaty, time for a bath

Today, I realized my morbidly obese, sweaty sibling is the source of a strange waft I've been smelling when I get home. He'll only shower once a week, so the apartment and furniture smell like sweat and sometimes poo, especially on hot days. I didn't notice until I went outside and stepped back in to follow my nose. FML

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By grovage - United States

Today, a repairman came to fix my couch, which is under warranty because the frame had broken in multiple places. To ensure I got a new couch out of the deal, I stabbed multiple holes into the cushion. The guy fixed the frame, but said there was nothing he could do about lacerations on the sofa. FML

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By NormalName

Today, a new coworker asked me how to pronounce my name and made a dismissive remark that "All Asian names are so hard to pronounce and they all sound the same". My name is Christopher. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Gorham

Today, my grandmother saw me for the first time in years. "Not all your clothes have to be as tight as condoms, you tramp," is probably the nicest greeting she's ever given me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Orlando

Today, I received a text saying, "I don't think we should be friends anymore. You're terribly depressing and you make everyone unhappy" followed by, "Oops, wrong person!" and then by, "Sorry, it really is for you". FML

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By Granmacathy - United States

Today, my grandson asked how old I am and whether I'd seen Mammoths "for real" when I was a kid. FML

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By me - United States - Katy

Today, we had a surprise test at school. I was totally unprepared for any of it, so I BSd the whole thing and turned it in. A few minutes later, our teacher said we were allowed to use our notes to finish the test. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Charlotte

Today, my best friend went in for her scheduled mammogram, and I sent her a text saying, "How're your boobies?" It was only after I sent it that I realized I'd sent it to my history professor. FML

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By samantha - United States

Today, I found out that after using several types of birth control, and being paranoid about pregnancy, I've been infertile for years. FML

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By Smoothskin - Australia - Heidelberg

Today, I shaved my face after several months of growth. This would be OK if my 4-year-old daughter would still talk to me. Apparently she doesn't recognise me, and I'm scary. FML

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By pipefitter28 - Canada - Vernon

Today, I tried to impress a girl at the gym on the squat rack, but let out a big fart. She was grossed out and laughed at me with her friends. Her boyfriend came over and told me I was a dead man, and I'd better leave. I'm now the proud owner of a year membership at a gym I can't go to. FML

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By ZINGER - United States

Today, I woke up to find that I left my headlights on last night. I found out by the headlights of my car smashed and a post-it note on my windshield saying "you accidentally left your headlights on... I took care of that for you". FML

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Top comments

By TomeDr | 21

#7813098 - Tuesday 18 June 2019 14:35

You went out with a guy who asked for nudes before you even met him? YDI

Did you send him the nudes? You DEFINITELY deserved it!

By mssileas | 25

#7813105 - Tuesday 18 June 2019 14:56

Aaaaand that's precisely why you don't owe them "a chance".

He showed his true colors right away and you didn't listen. Next time just got with your instinct, even if it gets you called stuck-up or whatever.

COMMENTS

By TomeDr | 21

#7813098 - Tuesday 18 June 2019 14:35

You went out with a guy who asked for nudes before you even met him? YDI

Did you send him the nudes? You DEFINITELY deserved it!

By mssileas | 25

#7813105 - Tuesday 18 June 2019 14:56

Aaaaand that's precisely why you don't owe them "a chance".

He showed his true colors right away and you didn't listen. Next time just got with your instinct, even if it gets you called stuck-up or whatever.

By ojosRojos | 28

#7813129 - Tuesday 18 June 2019 16:38

If he asked for nudes right away, did you really have high hopes that he’d be “the one?” Raise your standards a little bit!

By RichardPencil | 30

#7813130 - Tuesday 18 June 2019 16:41

Would you please send me some nudes? Thank you.

21st century chivalry.

By superlloyd | 15

#7813159 - Tuesday 18 June 2019 20:02

Stop using dating apps and stop talking to anyone who asks for nudes. Grow up.

By donb23 | 23

#7813180 - Tuesday 18 June 2019 21:53

If he asked for nudes just send him some pictures of a porn actress. You can find them all over the internet (or so I’ve been told). Even better send him ones of a different race then what you are.

By AmbrosiaFan | 18

#7813194 - Tuesday 18 June 2019 23:09

Nudes right away? I'd walk out.

By sallygee | 9

#7813224 - Wednesday 19 June 2019 1:04

I'm pretty sure you could have gotten up and left at anytime.

By Elisabetha Aarron | 18

#7909868 - Friday 29 May 2020 19:45

YDI for trying to force something when they made their intentions clear from the start