By cole - United States

Nerd

Today, I got approached by a hot young lady in a bar. After joking around for a few minutes she said, "Hey, I love your jacket, where'd you get that?" I then told her that it's actually a replica of the Indiana Jones jacket. This is when she remembered that she "had to go somewhere." FML

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The smell detective is on the case

Leave us alone

Little shit

By das_shizzle - 30/9/2020 23:02 - United States - Montesano

Oh shit

Today, as I was getting ready to go to class, I accidentally stepped in dog poop. I was in a hurry, so I scraped it off as best as I could. When I go to class, I noticed it smelled. The girl behind me noticed and said, "Mmmmm, smells like food in here." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I was at a wedding reception with loud music. A guy told me that his sister couldn't be there because she "went home to be with her boy." I said, "That's too bad, she's missing a great party." He paused and repeated, "She went home to be with her LORD." FML

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By Bubba - United States

Today, I bought a fish bowl and a fish for $15. I brought him home and sat him on my desk. Everything was going well until the shelf gave out and his bowl slid off of the shelf... onto my $2,000 computer. The computer is fried and is not covered by the insurance, the fish is fine. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/5/2021 13:59

Good kid

Today, my mother told me that for a period when I was a baby, every night she stood over my crib with a bottle of bourbon and a gun, convincing herself not to shoot me for ruining her life by being born when she was only 18. I wish I could be more like my siblings, who don't visit her anymore. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Sanford

Today, my husband came home with a bunch of realistic-looking wigs for women. When I asked them what they were for, he said he wanted to spice up our sex life with them. When I told him I refused to wear a wig, he said in a very serious tone that I wasn't going to be the one wearing them, he was. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, the two government buildings on either side of my apartment both started renovations. It will be about two months of constant banging as they cut and put up the steel on both sites. FML

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By damnedbydurberg - United States

Today, after years of torment and relentless harassment, I finally built up the courage to stand up to a bully. I got a detention for swearing at him. FML

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By NosChersVoisins - France - Bordeaux

Today, it's my birthday. My next-door neighbours gave me a stool and some rope. FML

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By KMack - United States

Today, I went to the allergist. I found out that I am allergic to dogs, cats, wool, fleece, and pet dander. I'm currently planning to go to school to become a veterinarian. FML

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By Relevance - United States

Today, my husband fell for an online scam leaving us 1450.00 in the negative. We get paid tomorrow and most of our money is going to cover that debt. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was out skating with a guy I really like. I put on my best moves, to impress him. I ended up slicing his lip open with my skate mid-jump. His lip is now wired shut by twelve stitches. FML

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By FastFoodWaiter - United States - Saukville

Today, a woman came up to me at work and screamed at me for "taking forever" to come and wait at her table. I work at Wendy's. FML

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By Anonymous

Catfished!

Today, I found out my husband has been "cheating" on me with some girl from Russia that he has to pay for regularly. This explains why he never has any money, he's actually dumb enough to be scammed. FML

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By $$$ - Australia - Chatswood

Today, an elderly woman couldn't afford all of her groceries at the checkout so she started to take out a few things. I offered to pay for her groceries; she thanked me and walked out. An onlooker then came up to me and told me that she does it to someone every week. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/5/2021 00:01

Wake up call

Today, I let my 4-month old puppy sleep with me. She’s been constipated for a while. I woke up to a foul odor in the middle of the night. Turns out she took a massive dump on the bed right by my head. I had to completely strip my bed to go back to sleep. FML

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By PatientlyDying - United States - Plano

Today, while talking to my parents, I dropped an ordinary drinking glass. After I apologized and cleaned the mess, they told me that they had decided that if I couldn't be careful at home, I certainly couldn't be careful on the roads. They took away my keys. I'm 19. FML

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By Smokey9 - United States

Today, yep, pubic hair is still flammable. FML

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By Sharkie49 - United States - Oceanside

Today, I paid top dollar for an Italian soda that ended up consisting almost entirely of ice. When I complained, the girl insisted that the soda water stopped the ice from melting. She said she didn't see what the problem was, and threatened to have me thrown out if I didn't "simmer down." FML

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By Hunter cat

Today, when I got back to my bedroom, I found my cat had left not one, not two, but four dead lizards for me. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Mississauga

Today, the office I work at put up a "No Masturbating at Desks" sign. I'm disappointed by this, not because I usually whack off at my desk, but because enough people do that there needs to be a sign against it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Marcos

Today, my mom wished me "Happy Conception Day." FML

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By dragonstooth257

Today, I'm so bad at people skills when I got a call to set up a job interview, I weirded the lady out so much that she trailed off when talking about emailing me a time. This took 2 minutes to achieve. A new record. I still haven't got an email. FML

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By TalkDirtyToMe - New Zealand

Today, I finally worked up the nerve to talk dirty to my boyfriend, after he promised not to laugh at me. All seemed well, until I heard laughter. It wasn't him, though; it was his family listening from the other room. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bessemer

Today, I announced my pregnancy to my husband. He responded with, "Well shit, when do these faucets turn on?" and started honking my boobs. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Piscataway

Today, we had to re-live sex ed in my college biology class. Unlike in middle school, nobody giggled incessantly. However, the guy sitting next to me stared at me intensely for nearly the whole three hour lecture. FML

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By SugarMyBalls - United States - Winder

Today, I had been trying to text my girlfriend all day, but no reply. After a while, I became worried so I called. She picked up and said, "Can't talk, busy." Not even a minute later, my best friend says to me, "Dude, tell your girlfriend to leave me alone. She's been texting me all day." FML

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By Anonymous - 14/4/2021 19:59

Wokescolds arise!

Today, my ex-boyfriend who is now transitioning to female, called me transphobic for dumping them, and now most of my 'friends' hate me and I've garnered an awful reputation because of it. I guess they 'forgot' I broke up with them because they cheated on me, and also forgot the fact that I myself am trans. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/5/2021 08:01

Medicare For All

Today, it's Mother’s Day. It's also the day I’m expected to pay a very large medical bill due to my miscarriage of twin babies. FML

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By Sir Smokalot - France

Today, my boyfriend and I were visiting his parents. When we got there, I hugged his mother, and she glared at me. Later that day, I heard her telling her son that he should leave me because I smell like cigarettes, and she hates smokers. I don't smoke, my boyfriend does. He did all the way there. FML

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By shadowsorel - United States - Chicago

Today, I have a cold, and was stuck sleeping in bed. My roommate decided to wake me up by sticking headphones in my ears and playing heavy metal on full volume. This is the third time this week. FML

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By tina247

Today, I realised that my husband's vows were actually the love speech from 'When Harry Met Sally'. This was made even more humiliating when I discovered that he hadn't even come up with the idea himself, he had seen it in an episode of Scrubs. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Eugene

Today, while showing off the sharpness of my new katana, I missed my target and hit my shoe. The strike cut into the second toe of my right foot, which then had to be amputated. Demonstration successful. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/9/2021 11:01

Dat ass

Today, I got a slap because my 8 year-old stepson has such a big mouth, he couldn’t resist pointing out a nearby white woman had a "phat butt" and should "give it back to the black lady she stole it from." I blame his racist old grandad for this. FML

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By waytootan - United States

Today, I came in to work looking very tan. I took Friday off to go to a friend's funeral, which was outdoors, and I tan very easily. Now my boss and everyone else thinks I lied about my friend's death to get off work on a Friday. FML

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By embarassinggg - United Kingdom - Brighton

Today, my mum came to my ballet class. She spent the whole lesson sitting at the back yelling at me to "stop sticking your butt out". My ballet instructor had to ask her several times to pipe down. FML

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By Anonymous

This is why we can't have nice things.

Today, my husband brought home a machete. In the process of showing me a trick he learned, he managed to slice a nice big hole in our brand new very expensive sectional. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I looked through my girlfriend's phone book and saw two entries with my name. One had "(cute)" attached to it. I checked to see if it was my number. It wasn't. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend of over a year told me that he will never marry me because we are different ethnicities and his parents don't approve. I was of course very upset and crying. His way to comfort me was by saying, "Don't worry, I will always cheat on my wife with you." FML

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By peanutprobs - Germany - Bochum

Today, my friend took our prank war too far when he secretly added peanuts to my food. I have a peanut allergy. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/11/2020 16:58

Thanks, government

Today, I'm at North Fort Hood deploying with the Army Reserves, where the motto is, "You'll prefer to be in Iraq." We're in COVID quarantine with over 100 people in our barracks. We may never get out of here. FML

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Top comments

By forthelin | 0

#140200 - Friday 24 April 2009 23:16

ahem.... not that I would care ... but where did you get this jacket?

By ThatsAli3 | 0

#140237 - Friday 24 April 2009 23:26

I think that's pretty cool. I wouldn't have left you = ) Unless you were creepy and i needed an excuse =P

COMMENTS

By Roadrunner21 | 0

#140185 - Friday 24 April 2009 23:14

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

HalfRetarded127 | 18

#7776439 - Sunday 3 March 2019 16:28

Either way it's Harrison Ford

By forthelin | 0

#140200 - Friday 24 April 2009 23:16

ahem.... not that I would care ... but where did you get this jacket?

By ZeroZenX | 0

#140209 - Friday 24 April 2009 23:18

Indy balls out of control. That is all.

By colortherainbowx | 0

#140214 - Friday 24 April 2009 23:20

Maybe she was afraid you'd smack her pussy with your whip.

By emery52 | 0

#140219 - Friday 24 April 2009 23:21

Not bad at all. She should appreciate it.

Reply

popoman | 0

#706063 - Saturday 5 December 2009 17:19

Bitch is shallow. You did well.

By cant_touch_this | 0

#140221 - Friday 24 April 2009 23:21

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

By ThatsAli3 | 0

#140237 - Friday 24 April 2009 23:26

I think that's pretty cool. I wouldn't have left you = ) Unless you were creepy and i needed an excuse =P

By ceecee794 | 0

#140248 - Friday 24 April 2009 23:27

don't worry she's the one missing out. i personally love Harrison Ford (as well as Indy and Han Solo) and would love to own a jacket like that!

Reply

DarksideDoll | 31

#6119132 - Saturday 15 November 2014 6:43

Agreed. I would've thought it was pretty pimpin. Don't take it too personally though OP, it just shows you probably didn't have many interests in common with her. You're better off. :)

By TheCrow471 | 0

#140253 - Friday 24 April 2009 23:29

Dude that's ballin. Bitches just don't understand.

By deppinthought | 0

#140259 - Friday 24 April 2009 23:29

my ex had a replica indy jacket. i thought it was smexy