Today, I discovered that I'm allergic to band-aids. I now have... - FML

By twnty1 - 31/5/2010 15:43 - United States

Today, I discovered that I'm allergic to band-aids. I now have a band-aid shaped rash around a tiny cut on my leg. Oh the irony. FML

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White line fever

Alexa, play "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

DINOSAURS!!

By tealsoda - 21/11/2009 20:09 - United States

Today, a friend convinced me that I should throw a big party and invite everyone to come. After fixing a ton of party food, I sat around and waited for my guests to arrive. No one did. FML

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By kingpin7 - 30/3/2011 04:43 - United States

Today, I decided to go down on my girlfriend. In the midst of her orgasm, she grabbed my head with her legs, performing a submission most UFC fighters could be proud of, and she held on for so long that I was suffocated. FML

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By brittrod - 5/12/2011 01:13 - United States

Today, when my mother-in-law told me I was losing weight, my husband started laughing. FML

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By SheWentCrayola - 17/10/2009 02:04 - United States

Today, I met some guys from my dad's workplace. They told him what a pretty daughter he had, to which he responded, "Nah, it's just shit-loads of makeup." FML

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By Taylor - 2/7/2019 20:00

Today, I asked my boyfriend, who loves board games, to give me advice on a board game I'm making. I ended up crying in the fetal position. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/3/2011 01:52 - United States

Today, I was telling my students that it's unnecessary to put arrows on the bottom of the page to tell me there's work on the back, I check it anyway. At the end of the day, at least 6 kids came up to me asking to change their grade because I forgot to grade the back. They hadn't put arrows. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/4/2013 04:11 - United States

Today, I was getting ready to have sex with my boyfriend for the first time. It seems he thought I was a much larger cup size than I really am, because when he saw my actual boobs, he said, "Aaaaaaand they're gone". FML

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By cerealfail - 14/11/2010 20:33

Today, I went to get a box of cereal and I knocked over a bottle of olive oil. It took me about half an hour to clean up. When I finally finished, I found out the box of cereal was empty. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/7/2015 17:54 - United Kingdom - Newcastle Upon Tyne

Today, I spent nearly half an hour looking for my favourite pair of shoes. I ended up getting so pissed off that I accused my boyfriend of stealing them. He then pointed out that I was wearing them. FML

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By still learning - 26/2/2012 17:42 - Canada

Today, I cut myself while shaving my globes. My girlfriend now refuses to stop teasing me about being "fisted by Edward Scissorhands." FML

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By whaaaaat111 - 9/3/2013 12:04 - United States - Vienna

Today, while at the mall, a lady dropped her credit card while in line to buy something. I came over, picked it up and gave it to her just for her to shove it in my hand and scream, "She's stealing my wallet! My wallet!" The police came. FML

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By finalfantasy - 21/6/2018 17:30 - United States - Aurora

Today, my brother thought it would be absolutely hilarious to replace my cold sore cream with superglue. FML

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By Foreveralone - 22/7/2016 08:54 - United States - Hartford

Today, I was told I'm not invited to my best friend's birthday party. Apparently, being divorced and childless doesn't "mesh" well with the rest of the group. My parents are still watching her kids so she can go away for the weekend. FML

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By Jello - 26/2/2009 02:23 - United States

Today, I went to have dessert with my boyfriend. We ordered some Jello. I said that I loved Jello because it is so fun and jiggly. My boyfriend said, "Like you. Except the fun part". FML

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By Atomic_Tangerine - 29/6/2009 23:07 - United States

Today, my mom, sister, and I were talking about a friend's girlfriend. My sister's opinion of her was that she was cute but not hot. My mom agreed, saying that she didn't think that someone without boobs could EVER be hot. She then looked at me and said "no offense." FML

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By nosleep - 30/6/2017 16:46

Today, like every other day since I moved into this apartment a year ago, the construction crew started their noisy work at 5:30 in the morning. When I moved in I was promised it was a quiet neighborhood; only offices. What have they been building in the meantime? Three nightclubs. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/1/2020 05:00

Nice pic

Today, for the first time in my life, I sent a member pic to a girl I had been talking to for a few days on Snapchat. (she had asked me for it). She saw the pic, and blocked me. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/5/2013 05:02 - United States

Today, my girlfriend was visiting, and while in the bathroom, she clogged the toilet. Since there was no plunger in the room, she unclogged it with the only thing she could find: my mother's hairbrush. FML

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By Singleton - 2/1/2010 00:33 - Canada

Today, it was my birthday dinner with my family. Everyone was making an effort to avoid a certain topic. Later my 5 year old cousin gives me a nice hand drawn card of me and my boyfriend. Apparently no one had the heart to tell her my boyfriend had broken up with me on my birthday. FML

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By monkeywrench - 1/5/2012 05:14 - United States

Today, I got some spam stating that I'd have no love life in the coming 10 years if I didn't reply to it. So, no different to the last 10 years then. FML

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By Matt - 28/4/2012 18:28 - United Kingdom - London

Today, the novelty of shaving a heart into my pubic hair for my wife vanished, when I woke up to find a collection of scabs around my pubes. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/3/2010 23:08 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of a year dumped me. In my opinion, the relationship was going so well and I really thought we loved each other. When I asked why, he told me he never loved me. He just wanted to get in my pants which after a year of refusing, he finally did. FML

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By gleefan116 - 28/8/2010 00:18 - United States

Today, my girlfriend, who recently started French classes, and I were having sex. Knowing how whispering in my ear turns me on, she whispered something in French, and I came. Later I found out it meant something like, "You should lose a lot of weight." FML

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By fuckMYlife94321 - 26/4/2009 16:21 - United States

Today, I was taking a nap while my mom was at work. I woke up when she came home and didn't think anything of it so I went back to sleep. When I woke up again, I went downstairs and our 52" plasma screen TV, my xbox 360, and $1500 computer were all stolen. I'm guessing that wasn't my mom. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/1/2013 05:52 - United States - Seattle

Today, while making dinner I cut my finger badly with a knife. When I yelled for my dad to drive me to the hospital, he accused me of lying to get attention. He had to taste my blood before he decided it wasn't red-colored corn syrup. FML

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By lax22 - 13/4/2014 20:33 - United States - San Francisco

Today, 30 minutes after finishing a great date with a great girl, she texted me and said, "Yeah, uh, never come near me again." FML

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By got got - 30/1/2020 14:00

Great help

Today, I just moved in with my friend and had my brother help with the move. Later that night both my brother and my friend wouldn't let me sleep because of how loud the sex was. FML

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By Gone With the Wind - 12/5/2014 03:29 - United States - Omaha

Today, the tornado sirens went off so my family went to the basement and turned on the TV to the local news. The station goes to their sky cam as a trampoline flies by. Quite the sight. When the storm passed, I looked outside to see our trampoline was gone. It was the one flying by on TV. FML

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By damn it rose - 31/5/2014 13:40 - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, my ex-girlfriend proposed to me, at my wedding. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/2/2015 11:51 - United Kingdom

Today, I was telling my friends that I'd gotten a paid position to cover a worker's bereavement leave for the next three weeks. They then called me an insensitive bitch for 'profiting from someone else's misfortune'. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/4/2012 21:34 - United States

Today, I shot a paintball gun at a bees' nest. The bees flew through my neighbors' windows and, for lack of a better word, slaughtered them. An ambulance was called, and I feel like a total dick. FML

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By xMiSS_CuTiEx - 27/12/2010 22:25 - United States

Today, I remembered my mom got her carpet cleaned and to be careful while she was at work. To be nice, I vacuumed the whole house. Feeling proud of myself, I got a drink and went upstairs. I tripped and spilled red Kool-Aid all over the floor. FML

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By toomuchlove - 2/8/2010 23:32 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend that I like it when he moans while we're having sex. Unfortunately, he interpreted that as "milk it". The sound is so obnoxious, it's starting to ruin the sex. FML

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By Are you f*cking kidding me - 12/6/2013 06:10 - United States - Denver

Today, I was on my bike. As I'm rolling through an intersection, some asshat in a pickup runs the red light and hits me. Instead of getting out and helping me, the guy hops out, takes a look at me lying in the street, steals my hat and drives off. That was my favorite hat. FML

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By CrapDay - 18/1/2017 22:00

Today, I woke up early in the morning when it was still dark to go off to work. I saw what looked like a piece of slime that my children would play with and went to pick it up. Nope. Turns out it was puppy shit. Wet, slimy puppy waste. FML

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By Mmm - 25/7/2015 10:10 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my girlfriend asked me to get her a pregnancy test. After using it, we couldn't find how to tell if she was or wasn't pregnant. After about 10 minutes of waiting, Google searching, and tension, I realized I had bought an ovulation test. FML

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By Matt - 29/8/2010 04:53 - Canada

Today, I took my date out for dinner to a seafood restaurant and she ordered expensive prawns. Later, when we had sex, she started to complain about her stomach hurting and then had diarrhea for hours. Great job prawns. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/10/2010 17:32 - United States

Today, I found myself crying in the bathroom because I started to feel lonely and depressed. My mother came into the bathroom, hearing me cry and gave me an hour long speech about what a beautiful human being I am... And to not forget to lose weight. FML

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By lonely dreams - 1/1/2013 17:26 - United States - Reno

Today, I have been single and out of the game for so long that instead of having real wet dreams, I now dream about jacking off. FML

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By pumpkinbutt - 17/1/2010 21:08 - France

Today, I hurried into the bank to cash in the $5,000 check my grandparents had given me for college money. I found out that instead of my name, they wrote 'our sweet iddle pumpkinbutt'. I couldn't make eye contact with anyone after. FML

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Top comments

By Marakara | 0

#1014154 - Monday 31 May 2010 20:58

A band-aid making your condition worse? That is a textbook example of situational irony. Quit being douchebags, especially when you're wrong.

By yarbles | 3

#1014057 - Monday 31 May 2010 19:41

put some alcohol on that bitch and move on

Comments

By dax002 | 0

#1014050 - Monday 31 May 2010 19:37

oh poor you.

By MrSassypants | 32

#1014051 - Monday 31 May 2010 19:38

oh that suks

By xthetisx | 0

#1014052 - Monday 31 May 2010 19:39

thats dumb just put something to cover it not necessarily a band-aid

Reply

teresa_009 | 0

#1014397 - Tuesday 1 June 2010 1:28

it was a tiny scratch though, you don't really need anything to cover it.

By ChaPStikkWhoRe | 0

#1014053 - Monday 31 May 2010 19:39

I think you'll live stop your crying...

Reply

teresa_009 | 0

#1014400 - Tuesday 1 June 2010 1:30

agreed.

Reply

funnyman227 | 0

#4271143 - Saturday 7 April 2012 9:59

No one ever said she was crying.

By cburger | 0

#1014055 - Monday 31 May 2010 19:39

owned

Reply

PsychoShark | 0

#1014321 - Monday 31 May 2010 23:56

Ummm, dude... Your bee is looking at me....

Reply

lovehurtz7 | 0

#1014674 - Tuesday 1 June 2010 7:13

wait, r u really twenty1.? nd this is ur first time using a band-aid.?

Reply

puggfuggly | 0

#1014704 - Tuesday 1 June 2010 7:54

I think it's a wasp

Reply

PsychoShark | 0

#1014850 - Tuesday 1 June 2010 10:04

No, it's a bee. I know them, damn whores...

By yarbles | 3

#1014057 - Monday 31 May 2010 19:41

put some alcohol on that bitch and move on

By BlueTwist89 | 0

#1014058 - Monday 31 May 2010 19:41

Lol, not ironic and not a FML.

By TOADified | 0

#1014062 - Monday 31 May 2010 19:43

same thing happened to me a few days ago! its going away. smells bad

By xGet_Over_It | 0

#1014063 - Monday 31 May 2010 19:43

Oops, thats's not ironic. Try again.

Reply

Boooosh | 0

#1014151 - Monday 31 May 2010 20:55

Thank you, glad to see I'm not the only one that knows the definition of irony.

Reply

amandalovee | 0

#1014312 - Monday 31 May 2010 23:50

i think some people need to go back to middle school. agreed.

By JonathanRawr | 0

#1014065 - Monday 31 May 2010 19:46

'tis ironic: something which was supposed to help the affected area has in fact made it worse.

Reply

reiyu | 0

#1014205 - Monday 31 May 2010 21:53

thank you for being the logical voice here.

Reply

puggfuggly | 0

#1014706 - Tuesday 1 June 2010 7:56

yes all the people saying that this situation is not ironic at all need to go pick up a dictionary and read an example of irony... *cough* *cough* #25