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Get out

By hackshack - 08/06/2012 19:45 - Brazil - Porto Alegre

Today, my English teacher kicked me out of class for being "rude and disruptive." In actuality, I had called her out for having blatantly used Google Translate for several example sentences, all of which sounded as if a semi-literate foreigner had constructed them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 512

You deserved it 3 944

Blind date from hell

By Starchyld - 11/11/2009 12:21 - Canada

Today, I went on blind date with a guy because both our moms thought we'd like each other. Things were going really well until I got up to go to the bathroom and he says, "My mom was right, you do have perfect breedin' hips!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 962

You deserved it 4 144

Alexa, play "Don't Stand Too Close to Me" by The Police

By stayaway - 14/04/2022 04:00

Today, I realised how badly the pandemic aggravated my social anxiety when I was playing an online game and an ally kept on getting too close to me throughout the match. I actually had to quit the game and take my emergency meds so I wouldn't go into a full blown crisis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 771

You deserved it 639

By teegtwo - 22/07/2014 05:55 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend said we can't have sex with the light on anymore. He said he can never finish because the face I make when I orgasm makes him laugh. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 043

You deserved it 27 006

Drip drip drip

By Sophie - 07/06/2012 07:47 - United Kingdom

Today, I was staying at my boyfriend's house for the first time. It's a small, old cottage in the countryside. I went up for a shower and didn't realise that the plug hole was blocked. Before I knew it, the bathroom floor was completely flooded and the ceiling below was dripping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 098

You deserved it 7 738

By Anonymous - 24/06/2019 12:00

Today, I needed to get blood drawn. Apparently, my veins are too thin and no blood would flow into the tube. I'm afraid of needles, and was just poked with some unsuccessfully, and I have to go back next week to try again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 653

You deserved it 176

Great start to the day

By Anonymous - 27/02/2021 02:01

Today, I had to catch a bus to work, as my car had to be taken in yesterday. The bad drivers always upset my stomach with their instant stop/start driving style. I felt a burp coming on, but it turned out to be projectile vomit that filled my mask right up and poured down my shirt and pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 241

You deserved it 216

This is going to be great!

By Anonymous - 29/04/2022 04:00 - United States - Morristown

Today, after we got married five months ago, my wife and I planned a trip to France and Spain as a honeymoon. We’re supposed to be leaving on Saturday. She just told me last night, “I am so not looking forward to the trip.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 963

You deserved it 130

By Anonymous - 26/04/2009 02:03 - United States

Today, my best friend and I performed a rap to our whole school. The rap was "made up" by our friend. After the performance, a lot of friends asked me why I did a rap from Hannah Montana. Apparently the rap was off of a show for 8 year olds. We are 17 and people think we watch Hannah Montana. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 947

You deserved it 56 035

Happy days

By Anonymous - 08/08/2023 20:00

Today, my girlfriend told me she's pregnant and I did not take it well. She had planned to record my happy reaction for Facebook; instead she got video of me bursting into tears, and trying to talk her into an emergency abortion. She sent it to my parents to punish me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 583

You deserved it 1 212

It doesn't exist

By getafucktoysomewhereelsedude - 16/05/2013 20:31 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I had to listen to yet another delusional fuckface at school bitch about how a girl he's interested in put him in the "friendzone". I really couldn't focus on my work, so I tried to shut him up by saying he's an idiot, not least because she already has a boyfriend. I now have a black eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 420

You deserved it 17 340

By Anonymous - 08/11/2009 11:12 - Germany

Today, some friends and I went to Cosmic Bowling where they have a blacklight. Everyone's teeth were glowing. Mine weren't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 991

You deserved it 40 522

Wrong window, sorry

By Anonymous - 12/08/2023 16:00

Today, I accidently sent that my butthole was on fire to a group chat with my boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 217

You deserved it 773

By comparison, I'm doing OK

By Anonymous - 29/05/2022 12:00

Spicy

Today, with my relationship in shambles, I reached out to my cousin who has been separated for a year. I asked her if she had any regrets, she said, “I wish I’d done what he said and sucked off his friend.” My spending issues now seems manageable. FML

I agree, your life sucks 925

You deserved it 195

By Ella - 29/05/2012 05:14 - United States

Today, I went on a 7-hour plane flight. For 3 hours I had a bloody nose. When it finally stopped, I sneezed. It started to bleed again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 554

You deserved it 2 123

By hatemyjob - 05/11/2009 09:44 - Australia

Today, I found out that the new receptionist earns more than I do. I'm an undergraduate accountant and I've been working there for 2 years. Oh and I started out as the receptionist before I got a "promotion". FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 769

You deserved it 2 492

By reality_stricken - 04/11/2009 14:00 - Guam

Today, I told my boyfriend I was afraid he would no longer love me when he returned from basic training. Hoping he would reassure me his feelings wouldn't change and we'd still be together, he replied instead, "Shit happens." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 447

You deserved it 8 174

Superficial

By Anonymous - 25/05/2022 00:00

Today, I'm finally recovering from surgery to fix my severe underbite, which included breaking my upper and lower jaw, forcing my teeth to line up properly, then pinning them until the bone healed. My wife can’t mentally cope, because I no longer look like the man she loves. She wants a divorce. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 815

You deserved it 136

By Anonymous - 07/05/2013 12:48 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, it's my birthday. I worked late, so I was looking forward to spending a quiet evening with my husband. When he suggested we go grocery shopping, I got excited thinking he had organized a surprise party or something. He actually just took me grocery shopping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 195

You deserved it 9 697

By emliv12 - 25/05/2012 07:07 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my grandmother told me my favorite top had a permanent smell of BO, despite my constant deodorant use. I wear the top to work just about every shift. I now realize all the weird little comments my coworkers have made are actually hints to go take a shower. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 706

You deserved it 28 762

By Btwigster - 19/07/2011 01:20 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and his bandmates were doing a live interview for a web show. Drunk off his ass, my boyfriend starts telling the internet how his ex-girlfriend is his biggest inspiration. I was standing right next to him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 008

You deserved it 3 978

Btwigster tells us more.

Btwigster 8

Tuesday 19 July 2011 17:56

He's in a punk band, like, old school punk. Very '70's sounding. They don't even sing about girls that I've noticed! However, he apologized later and explained he was just nervous, and that it would never happen again. I believe that he was just nervous, but that sort of thing sticks with you, you know? You can't help wondering if that's how he really feels.

Oh Bondage! Up Yours!

By Anonymous - 28/08/2023 06:00 - France - St-Malo

Spicy

Today, and ever since I've known her, my girlfriend easily falls asleep if she lies down. We decided to try bondage on our bed, but once laying down she fell asleep. I was the one tied up to the bed frame. When she woke up, I thought it would be funny to say I could stay two more hours like that. She took it seriously. FML

I agree, your life sucks 202

You deserved it 590

Freaky family

By Anonymous - 07/02/2025 13:00 - United States

Spicy

Today, I found out the guy who asked me to be his girlfriend has been fucking his first cousin in the booty on the regular for years, and was still fucking her while seeing me. I feel disgusting. He’s 32 and she’s 28 and thinks they’re going to get married. FML

I agree, your life sucks 483

You deserved it 110

Classic japes and scrapes

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - Japan

Today, I went for a run to try and work on getting in shape. Nine steps in, I slipped in some slimy moss, almost broke my hip on the pavement, and gashed open my elbow. I'll be surprised if I can walk straight in the morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 592

You deserved it 4 098

By shutupandsmile18 - 18/04/2009 02:32 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was petting my cat when my new mood ring turned bright purple. I checked the piece of paper that came with the ring and saw that purple meant I was feeling "hot, sexy, and passionate." According to my ring, I'm hot for my cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 071

You deserved it 16 870

Denied

By Anonymous - 30/08/2023 22:00

Spicy

Today, I started coming on to my girlfriend, only to get a nasty rejection. I told her I would just go jerk off, to which she replied, "Don't you dare!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 584

You deserved it 149

By cganon - 21/09/2010 12:44 - United Kingdom

Today, I was in a store when a child looked at me and said to his mother "look at that tall man!" His mother replied "he's an evil giant isn't he, darling?" I then mimed being an evil giant to make the kid laugh. His mother slapped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 705

You deserved it 5 031

Picky eater

By Anonymous - 04/06/2022 22:00

Today, my family are refusing to go out to eat with me anymore. Apparently, me liking my food cooked a certain way infuriates them because it delays our order, and makes the wait staff hate us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 347

You deserved it 1 468

By RyanTheMan15 - 31/10/2009 03:23 - United States

Today, I was at my girlfriend's house watching a home makeover show with her and her mom. The show's host had a giant portrait of himself on his wall and then I said, "I hate it when people do that, it's so stupid." Her mom stared at me and pointed to the portrait of my girlfriend on the wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 561

You deserved it 30 892

Take them back to the shop

By When it rains it pours - 12/06/2022 18:00

Today, after a night of back pain, fatigue, and wrestling with my crying, screaming son, who couldn’t sleep, I woke up to find my laptop wouldn’t power on because my daughter spilled ice cream on it. I need my laptop for my new job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 038

You deserved it 167

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The Top

The Top

Today, I felt suicidal and told my mum I was going to hang myself from my curtain rod. All she cared about was the rod possibly coming loose and damaging the wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 961

You deserved it 328

Today, my wife and I had another couple over. My wife was beside me while we all talked in the kitchen. I turned to put something in the fridge, and the other couple went into the next room. Turning back, I groped my wife's breasts playfully. She screamed and slapped me. It wasn't my wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 863

You deserved it 59 383

Today, I remembered that I chose my career of the last decade because, unlike my job in the dying newspaper industry, "concerts aren’t going anywhere." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 543

You deserved it 189

Today, I finally got up the nerve to ask this really cute girl out I've had a crush on for over eight months. Turns out she isn't a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 97 192

You deserved it 34 583

Today, I'm right now comforting my 21-year-old brother, after we'd called the cops because a mugger stabbed one of my brother's friends while the three of us were on the street. Kudos to the police, who left us waiting in the line for more than 50 minutes, letting an innocent die, and allowing a scumbag to escape. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 255

You deserved it 145

Today, my girlfriend and I went to a shop known for its hardcore sex toys. We happened to run into one of my university lecturers and her wife discussing butt plugs with a member of staff, and then saw my aunt and uncle at the register. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 735

You deserved it 1 218