Today, I was laying down on my couch. My friend IM's me on my...

By OrlandoZ6 - 25/5/2009 16:48 - United States

Today, I was laying down on my couch. My friend IM's me on my laptop to watch a video. It turned out that the video was one of those scary pop up's. I got so scared I dropped my laptop. The screen had a big crack. FML

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Miscellaneous

Proactive

All for nothing

Basic Instinct

By Anonymous - 24/2/2014 16:52 - United Kingdom - Tipton

Today, my mom told me all about how I was conceived in a Disney Land toilet. FML

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By Megan Snair - 1/9/2019 04:01

Today, my cat threw up on the floor while I was taking a nap. I woke up, still groggy from the nap, and walked over to the bathroom. Not only did I slip on the vomit, spreading it all over the floor and myself, I think I somehow broke a toe in the process. FML

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By scaredshitless - 7/8/2009 04:11 - United States

Today, I was taking a serious shit when the light bulb burned out. I am terrified of the dark and began wailing and crying. My mom had to pick the lock and get me out. I'm a 17 year old guy and captain of the Varsity football team. My little brother recorded it and plans on showing everyone. FML

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By cap - 9/12/2019 01:00 - United States - Manhattan

Last trip

Today, I had sex with my wife only to be told that the sex was horrible and to be given divorce papers. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/11/2009 11:33 - Germany

Today, I arrived in my dorm at 3 am to find my roommate passed out and a nauseating stench. While I was gone, he got drunk and puked all over the walls, carpet, and both beds. His inebriated attempt to clean up the mess consisted of smearing his vomit everywhere with my shower robe. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/1/2011 07:56 - United States

Today, on the way to work, I was punched in the balls by a complete stranger. FML

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By highschoolsucks - 21/1/2015 02:41 - United States

Today, I let out a monstrous fart at the gym. They said it didn't even sound human. FML

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By DarkChild - 11/2/2016 22:18 - France

Today, I found my 6-year-old daughter recording herself on her little tape recorder. When I asked her what she was up to, she replied in her cute little voice, "I'm recording myself so you'll have a souvenir when I'm dead." FML

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By Tony - 30/11/2010 11:30

Today, I was fired for having a haircut that was 'inappropriate for the workplace'. I have alopecia. My boss told me to stop making up excuses. FML

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By ilovebigmacs - 6/8/2015 04:10 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I spotted an elderly man trying to use the ladder at work. Knowing customers aren't supposed to use these, I went over and helped. Not only did I fall from the ladder, but I landed on the old man's foot, breaking my elbow and fracturing his toe. FML

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By justno - 3/8/2018 19:00

Today, my best friend of 10 years blocked me for no reason. When I went to her house to ask why she did it and apologize for whatever it was, she told me to kill myself and slammed the door. I still don't know what I did. FML

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By michellenKG - 23/1/2012 05:05 - United States

Today, it's my birthday. The only thing I got was a coupon for a couples acupuncture session from my sister. I'm single and have an extreme fear of needles. FML

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By boyo - 21/5/2009 09:48 - United Kingdom

Today, I was visiting my sick grandmother in the hospital when my cousin and I were playing in some empty wheelchairs. After goofing off I said, "They're fun, but I would kill myself if I was in a wheelchair." A little boy rounded the corner and said, "Tell me about it." He was in a wheelchair. FML

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By - 16/12/2018 12:30

My long-distance partner came to visit me for the weekend. When he arrived he seemed moody and tired, and refused any kind of physical contact. Upset, I asked him what was wrong. Turns out he's mad for coming to see me because I've put on weight, making the trip a waste of his time. FML

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By Me - 31/1/2010 05:01 - United States

Today, I got to talk to the guy I like. Thinking it would be about something pleasant. I was completely wrong. It was about the guy who sits in front of me and his masturbation problem. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/8/2012 00:20 - United States

Today, I got a phone call out of the blue from a young man, who screamed that he was going to kill me for sleeping with his fiancée. I told him I am a 49-year-old man who hasn't been laid since my wife passed away, four years ago. He stammered, shouted "Well she was a slut too" and hung up. FML

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By Jorgen - 18/12/2015 01:45 - United States

Today, at my workplace, $200 checks were given to every employee for how well the corporation was doing. The temps didn't get any. Guess who was the only temp. FML

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By dirtyhands - 18/2/2009 23:01 - United States

Today, I was masturbating on my inflatable air mattress that squeaks when you move. Suddenly, my mom busted in my room to ask if I'm okay because she thought the squeaking was my crying. I ripped my hands from my pants and turned on my side; she walked over and grabbed my hands to console me. FML

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By Xtine - 23/6/2009 04:44 - United States

Today, while on the road I saw a turtle in the middle of the other lane. I slammed on my brakes and got out, holding up and pissing off several drivers on both sides of the highway. Getting closer to the turtle, I realized that it was not a turtle at all, but a very large pile of dog shit. FML

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By bummed and broke - 13/11/2012 18:24 - United States

Today, I bought an $80, "invincible" phone case. One test drop later, my phone had turned into an expensive paperweight. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/7/2019 14:00

Today, I went over to my parents' house with my female, unspayed dog. I guess they haven’t had their dog neutered, because he tried to mount her. When I attempted to stop him, he knocked me into their stone fire pit, splitting my head and elbow open. FML

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By ilovemypup - 31/10/2016 11:20

Today, while at my job in a candy store, a boy stuck his hand into the bin, contaminating the candy. As I politely explained that the dad had to purchase the affected candy he refused, yelled, then angrily agreed to buy them. The total cost of the candy with the extra pieces? $1.69. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/4/2012 11:10 - Egypt - Cairo

Today, my parents invited my Muslim boyfriend over for dinner for the first time. My mother made sure that everything including the salad had pork in it. FML

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By Thanks Fred - 18/5/2019 00:05

Today, I discovered why there was such a horrible stench in my bedroom. My cat had a secret stash of shit under my dresser. Along with the carcass of a rat. FML

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By bootyislife - 3/2/2015 04:36 - United States - Seattle

Today, my girlfriend thought it would be sexy to give me a naked massage. She straddled my back and started rubbing, then she sneezed and peed on me. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/7/2009 13:49 - United States

Today, after not seeing my boyfriend for 9 months, he came to meet me at the airport. I was so excited when I first saw him that I broke into a sprint to greet him. Apparently, running through the airport looks suspicious, because a security guard tackled me. Now I have a broken nose. FML

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By failure - 16/7/2009 16:25 - Canada

Today, my parents are freaking at me because I just got my report and I failed my first year of college. They told me they have never been more disappointed in me. I have to tell them that I'm also pregnant. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/8/2020 05:05

Double standards

Today, my best friend, who is also Godmother to my son, came over to visit for a few hours, as she does every other day. My husband complained to me that she’s over a lot. But he doesn’t see anything wrong with his best friend coming over every weekend and sleepover for 2-3 days straight. FML

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By John - 26/3/2012 02:53 - Saint Lucia

Today, I discovered that it is possible for bugs to lay eggs in your ears. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/10/2009 20:56 - United States

Today, I wrote the most beautiful college application essay ever, ten minutes before the online deadline. Instead of clicking "submit", I clicked the button next to it that said "return". The entire essay vanished into internet wasteland. FML

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By polkadotpinup - 16/9/2016 17:22 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I got a call from my employers wanting to ask why I had a no call, no show for today. My supervisor reported me for not showing up to work. It's my day off, and also my birthday. FML

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By nothowscienceworks - 13/11/2015 07:06 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had the mother of a five year old come in for parent teacher conferences. When I told her that her son was very smart, but he often made up fantastical stories about his home life, she burst into tears. She then ran out of my office crying, "I knew it! I knew he was a sociopath!" FML

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By notrocketscience - 7/5/2012 15:57 - United States - West Monroe

Today, the father of my child couldn't understand why he had been laid off from his job as a painter's assistant. He couldn't find a broom or vacuum, so he "cleaned" a carpet by laying down strips of painter's tape and pulling it up. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/8/2011 08:32 - Australia

Today, I found out why my cups of tea have been tasting a bit funny. It turns out my kettle is full of ants, so every time I boil water to make tea, the ants get re-boiled along with it. FML

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By thewallrules - 5/12/2009 14:10 - United States

Today, I woke up to a stranger in my dorm room. He was naked and was peeing into my water bottle. He kept asking for Chris. I have no idea who Chris is. FML

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By wtf mom?! - 6/4/2019 12:00

Today, I completely lost it when I found out my mom was driving around with my 20-month-old daughter not sat in a car seat. She told me I was overreacting, and that everything was fine since she “prayed for a safe journey.” FML

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By Vxale - 29/9/2011 17:20 - United States

Today, I met my new dentist. His teeth are worse than mine. FML

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By dr immature - 23/12/2013 23:11 - United States - Washington

Today, I diagnosed a patient with a spastic colon. For some reason, the term "spastic colon" has always amused me, and I burst into uncontrollable laughter as I said it. By the time I managed to stop laughing, my eyes were watering and my patient was visibly angry. FML

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By Skido - 20/2/2009 01:39 - United States

Today, I was watching a documentary on The World's Fattest Man. Half way through the show the reported started talking about his girlfriend. The Fattest Man in the world has a girlfriend. I'm 21 an have never had a girlfriend. FML

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By heartbroken - 23/1/2013 13:57 - Australia - Chatswood

Today, my boyfriend was in the shower and his phone was buzzing with calls and texts. Concerned as his nan is in ICU, I picked it up to find he's been secretly sexting his ex-girlfriend. FML

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Top comments

By mattiscool | 0

#230101 - Monday 25 May 2009 21:47

why do some people click YDI for no reason... some people are more jumpy than others. I pranked a few people with those, some jumped and screamed, and some didnt even make any face expression.

By compasseagle89 | 8

#230066 - Monday 25 May 2009 21:42

i can understand getting startled at something like that. but dropping a laptop? grow a pair.

COMMENTS

By compasseagle89 | 8

#230066 - Monday 25 May 2009 21:42

i can understand getting startled at something like that. but dropping a laptop? grow a pair.

nnnihad | 6

#1019441 - Saturday 5 June 2010 1:11

I'm hungry.

4evanucks | 0

#1472184 - Wednesday 29 September 2010 7:38

ewww...no..ur just plain old N-A-S-T-Y!!

KJLD5 | 0

#1648142 - Thursday 4 November 2010 5:28

who stands up while using a laptop? not me...

By 52fremont | 0

#230091 - Monday 25 May 2009 21:46

wow, yeah you're kinda dumb sometimes it seems.

By Mustcomment | 0

#230095 - Monday 25 May 2009 21:46

LOL, try that on some of your enemies lolz.

By bbfan93 | 0

#230098 - Monday 25 May 2009 21:46

LMAO! YDI for not having a pair.

By mattiscool | 0

#230101 - Monday 25 May 2009 21:47

why do some people click YDI for no reason... some people are more jumpy than others. I pranked a few people with those, some jumped and screamed, and some didnt even make any face expression.

By yer_maw | 0

#230103 - Monday 25 May 2009 21:48

Ahahaha

pussy

By sarcasticism4 | 0

#230104 - Monday 25 May 2009 21:48

Its under warranty man.

By lemony_music_grl | 0

#230105 - Monday 25 May 2009 21:48

i h8 those videos!! my friends always show them to me on their iPhones and they r fucking creepy! oh & sorry about ur laptop.. that sucks... :(

By rachellx3 | 0

#230120 - Monday 25 May 2009 21:52

hahaha come on now, they arent thattt badd.

By BussellRishop | 0

#230122 - Monday 25 May 2009 21:51

Haha grow up!