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By erase_my_ears - 27/10/2015 02:41 - United States

Today, my two moms were telling some fairly obscene jokes about their sex life. When I told them to stop making such vulgar jokes, they turned to me and said, "What makes you think we were joking?" They then clarified that they were in fact being completely serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 882

You deserved it 3 264

erase_my_ears tells us more.

erase_my_ears 16

Monday 4 January 2016 6:51

Op here, I appreciate the support and understanding from all of u! I'm so sorry that happened to u a lot #68. I laughed at some of the more perverted comments and their responses, and I appreciate that no one has made any homophobic remarks. My parents weren't being too graphic, but they were making a lot of inferences and putting on the moves. It was not fun. Keep up all the hilarious comments! I can't believe this got accepted!!! XD

By Tarlachia - 31/05/2017 10:15

Today, at work, I was tasked with cleaning up a small AC flood. I saw that water was still dripping from the overhead AC as it was frozen over, so I asked the resident for a bowl to catch the water after I'm done extracting the water from the carpet. She handed me a colander. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 431

You deserved it 345

Tarlachia tells us more.

Tarlachia 33

Sunday 28 May 2017 0:18

Yay! My second published FML! Anyway, I'm not entirely sure if the woman was running on all cylinders. Nevertheless, it's worthy of a good laugh, enough to the point of straining my sides from laughing so hard. It made my day. Love the puns, y'all. Don't let 'em fall through the holes of life!

By my patience is starting to crack - 12/06/2017 22:00

Today, while working at a retail, I was checking on a customer who had been in one of the dressing rooms for over an hour. After knocking for 10 minutes, I unlocked the door myself, only to find the customer sitting on the floor, smoking crack. This isn't even the first time this has happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 014

You deserved it 255

By Anonymous - 21/10/2017 05:00 - Denmark - Viborg

Today, a friend sent me a video of my boyfriend of 2.5 years and the girl I "shouldn't be worried about" on a date at the restaurant he claimed he hated. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 336

You deserved it 273

By seriously - 14/04/2018 01:30

Today, I was spoken to by my boss about an argument I had gotten into with my co-worker, saying I needed to be "respectful of others' beliefs" and less "close-minded." The argument was over whether or not the Earth was flat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 903

You deserved it 399

By spadesmollusques - 06/06/2016 05:13 - France - Strasbourg

Today, my 10-year-old son introduced me to Tom, his new best friend, and insisted we have him over to dinner. Tom is a slug. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 091

You deserved it 1 367

By Anonymous - 26/12/2015 08:29 - Australia - Perth

Today, I thought it'd be funny to sneak up behind my dad and yell "BOO!" to scare him. He didn't even flinch. All he did was calmly look over his shoulder and sigh, "Oh for fuck's sake. And you wonder why I don't love you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 156

You deserved it 4 186

By Hormones apparently - 08/12/2015 02:32 - United States - Westerville

Today, I was so inexplicably horny that I had to shuffle awkwardly and use my bag to hide the wetness of my pants as I left work for the day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 046

You deserved it 3 572

I'm not, but…

By Queerbait - 05/11/2015 06:52 - Australia

Today, my girlfriend's mother insisted she's not homophobic, but however people only 'turn gay' because they were sexually abused, or are 'making it up to get attention'. She informed me I'm the former and my girlfriend is the latter. Uh huh. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 867

You deserved it 2 424

True

By Anonymous - 02/06/2019 16:09

Today, I found out that my 8-year-old daughter somehow learned how babies are made. Sort of. I found this out when we had the open house at her school where she meets her new teachers. When one teacher asked where she was from, she replied, "My daddy's balls." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 078

You deserved it 261

Mom Jokes FTW

By Embarrassed Daughter - 18/07/2017 14:26 - United States - Erlanger

Today, as we were going through airport security, my mom tried to joke with the person searching her bag, saying, "Just don't take out my vibrator!" She practically shouted it for the whole line to hear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 394

You deserved it 384

By wondermoose - 09/08/2016 06:54

Today, my boyfriend was truly upset because I refused to pee on him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 628

You deserved it 1 867

wondermoose tells us more.

wondermoose 28

Monday 29 August 2016 7:57

Hello, OP here. My boyfriend and I are very open and communicate about what we want to try and what we don't want to try. We've been together three years and pretty much will try anything as long as we are both comfortable. We were in the shower during this conversation and it started as a joke for me to pee on him and I told him I didn't want to but I think he was offended because he thought I was feeling self conscious in front of him so he felt like he wasn't doing his 'boyfriend duty' by making me feel okay with that... I know sounds strange. But we're over it and he actually doesn't want me to pee on him at all. Go figure. Thanks for the jokes and advice to you all!

By Moose - 02/08/2016 11:18 - Poland

Today, my boss signed and sent me back my timesheet. He named the PDF file "Timeshit". Now I don't know whether he's terrible at spelling, or just expressed his view of my job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 756

You deserved it 1 252

Great help

By got got - 30/01/2020 14:00

Today, I just moved in with my friend and had my brother help with the move. Later that night both my brother and my friend wouldn't let me sleep because of how loud the sex was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 364

You deserved it 319

By Anonymous - 22/06/2016 00:28

Today, after the last few months of my sister living with me while she finds her feet, I asked if she could help me out by doing the washing up. Half an hour later, I walked into knee high dish soap foam in the kitchen. My sister was right in the middle, trying to sculpt dicks. She's 20. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 125

You deserved it 1 103

Spellcasting and tools

By married to a nerd - 07/06/2018 20:30

Today, I asked my 4-year-old daughter where her father went. She said, "Out to have fun with Zoe." Acting on suspicion, I followed him and did a stakeout. Hours later, I barged in and caught him playing Dungeons and Dragons. "Zoe" is the female wizard he plays as. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 922

You deserved it 4 586

By Anonymous - 31/12/2015 18:55 - United States

Today, I overheard my mother-in-law and sister-in-law over the baby monitor. They were talking about how much better off my daughter would be if I were to die. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 169

You deserved it 1 625

Antivax idiot

By jesus fuck - 19/12/2018 13:30

Today, I got my one year-old daughter vaccinated. My wife tried to leave me, because she's "never felt more betrayed". FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 194

You deserved it 617

By Anonymous - 08/12/2015 00:40 - United States - Portland

Today, I came home to my mentally unhinged roommate jacking off to a frozen TV frame of Peggy Hill from King of the Hill. When he saw me, he threw an ash tray at me and told me to get out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 897

You deserved it 2 209

Effective

By WinnerWinnerNotEatingDinner - 16/11/2015 06:44 - United States - Arlington

Today, I was the first guy ever to give my girlfriend an orgasm. I was also the first guy to make her poop at the same time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 274

You deserved it 3 497

By shitbucketsfilledwithshit - 08/10/2015 16:04 - United States - Spring

Today, while walking home after a night of partying, I saw a thin, bald person in a suit looking at me from across the street. I got flashbacks to the Slender Man, screamed like a little bitch and ran. Then I realized I'd just humiliated myself in front of some random guy waiting for a bus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 799

You deserved it 18 975

Placebo

By mother teresa was a cunt - 17/09/2015 14:54 - United States - Cleveland

Today, I baked some brownies and after my mom ate one, I joked that I put weed in them. Turns out the placebo effect's a bitch, because she quickly started acting high as a kite. One bitch fit later, the brownies are in the trash and I'm grounded until I tell her where I bought the "weed". FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 552

You deserved it 5 474

So, are you in or are you out?

By The Fishing Pole - 15/06/2017 18:00

Today, I told my long time crush, "I love you," in an elaborate way. She replied, "What an interesting perspective." FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 776

You deserved it 811

By Whywhywhy - 20/08/2017 13:01

Today, my daughter decided to draw me a heart for my birthday. Unfortunately, she drew it on the side of my car. With a rock. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 366

You deserved it 382

Force of habit

By Unlucky - 05/09/2017 16:00

Today, while crossing the street, I was honked at by a stopped car. I responded with a finger and a "Fuck you!" It was my boss who just wanted to say hi. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 769

You deserved it 4 913

By slitherasssnape - 13/09/2016 18:53 - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

Today, in science class, I was bored and playing with a paper towel, dipping it into a container of water. When my teacher caught me and asked what I was doing, I panicked and said I was "drying the water." FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 871

You deserved it 3 346

Thanks, I hate it

By Candy_Crushed - 09/09/2017 04:30 - United States - Mims

Today, after nearly three years of no contact whatsoever, I received a Facebook notification from my father. Eager to see what he said, I pulled it up only to see a game request. He had run out of lives on Candy Crush. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 329

You deserved it 350

By LETMEOUT! - 18/09/2017 04:30

Today, despite being claustrophobic and avoiding lifts at all costs, I had to use the lift at work to carry boxes of paper to the 3rd floor. It broke down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 799

You deserved it 310

By pooraf - 04/08/2016 14:42 - United States - Urbana

Today, I got mugged. I almost felt sorry for him: he got a $15 cell phone, a frozen debit card, a credit card with only $50 of credit left on it, and no cash. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 378

You deserved it 1 623

Party for One!

By Sam - 08/12/2017 01:30

Today, at the supermarket, I bought a cake and had my friend's name put on it. It wasn't anyone's birthday, I just wanted to feel less ashamed about buying a whole cake for myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 010

You deserved it 2 162

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The Top

Today, I started at a new school. It's a pretty great school, but there's only one problem: Everybody thinks I'm a teacher. I'm only a freshman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 074

You deserved it 3 412

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex, when his condom came off inside of me. We couldn't get it out, so I had to tell my mom, who didn't know we were sexually active, and then go to the ER. After an unsuccessful visit, we came home only to find the condom in my sheets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 294

You deserved it 37 931

Today, my now ex-girlfriend posted on Facebook that I called her a "fucking bitch". Our mutual friends were all outraged, and demanded that I treat her with respect. What she failed to mention was that I said it after finding out that she's been sleeping with my "best friend" for the past year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 162

You deserved it 3 659

Today, my boyfriend and I had amazing make-up sex after a huge fight. Turns out he forgot to let me know it was actually break-up sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 961

You deserved it 5 082

Today, I got stuck in a small elevator. It started to violently judder up and down after I pressed the 'Help' buzzer. The man on the intercom wouldn't stop laughing at how my voice was jumpy from the juddering movements before he called for help. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 048

You deserved it 2 922

Today, I asked my boss if I could take a vacation day for my birthday on Monday. She called to tell me yes, and then told me I'm getting laid off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 108

You deserved it 89