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By pooraf - 04/08/2016 14:42 - United States - Urbana

Today, I got mugged. I almost felt sorry for him: he got a $15 cell phone, a frozen debit card, a credit card with only $50 of credit left on it, and no cash. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 376

You deserved it 1 622

By SwingingGallows - 15/07/2016 15:43

Today, I bought my mother an expensive TV she had been looking at. After I bought it, she continued browsing for more stuff. I told her I couldn't afford the extra items. She got mad and called me "selfish". FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 742

You deserved it 1 138

By polemania - 11/07/2016 05:23 - United States

Today, I had an employee come in 20 minutes late with the excuse, "There's a Pokemon gym across the street!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 485

You deserved it 1 824

By NotFromAustralia - 08/07/2016 05:25 - United States - Denver

Today, I thought the earwig infestation that had plagued my basement apartment for weeks had finally solved itself. Turns out the black widow infestation took care of it for me. Time to move. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 718

You deserved it 856

Great help

By got got - 30/01/2020 14:00

Today, I just moved in with my friend and had my brother help with the move. Later that night both my brother and my friend wouldn't let me sleep because of how loud the sex was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 352

You deserved it 318

By seriously - 14/04/2018 01:30

Today, I was spoken to by my boss about an argument I had gotten into with my co-worker, saying I needed to be "respectful of others' beliefs" and less "close-minded." The argument was over whether or not the Earth was flat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 897

You deserved it 397

By Anonymous - 25/05/2016 17:39 - United States - Dearborn

Today, as always, I'd be so incredibly happy if my girlfriend loved me even half as much as she loves her cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 139

You deserved it 1 893

By Wtf - 03/11/2015 22:06

Today, during dinner, my boyfriend slowly walked up next to me, got on one knee, and in one movement pointed at my feet and shouted, "WHAT ARE THOSE?!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 764

You deserved it 3 513

True

By Anonymous - 02/06/2019 16:09

Today, I found out that my 8-year-old daughter somehow learned how babies are made. Sort of. I found this out when we had the open house at her school where she meets her new teachers. When one teacher asked where she was from, she replied, "My daddy's balls." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 074

You deserved it 257

Placebo

By mother teresa was a cunt - 17/09/2015 14:54 - United States - Cleveland

Today, I baked some brownies and after my mom ate one, I joked that I put weed in them. Turns out the placebo effect's a bitch, because she quickly started acting high as a kite. One bitch fit later, the brownies are in the trash and I'm grounded until I tell her where I bought the "weed". FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 544

You deserved it 5 469

Mom Jokes FTW

By Embarrassed Daughter - 18/07/2017 08:26 - United States - Erlanger

Spicy

Today, as we were going through airport security, my mom tried to joke with the person searching her bag, saying, "Just don't take out my vibrator!" She practically shouted it for the whole line to hear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 387

You deserved it 380

By Anonymous - 24/08/2016 14:26

Today, I woke up to my husband's face. That'd be nice if he hadn't turned his eyelids inside out, waiting to scare me. I was scared alright. So scared that I pissed myself and broke my side table falling out of bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 300

You deserved it 1 468

By PurplePanda_1927 - 08/07/2016 02:26 - United States - Austin

Today, I was driving with my little brother when out of nowhere he yelled at me to stop. Thinking it was urgent, I slammed my breaks, almost getting rammed from behind. Why did he yell for me to stop? The Pokémon GO said there was a sparrow near us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 151

You deserved it 1 708

PurplePanda_1927 tells us more.

PurplePanda_1927 10

Friday 8 July 2016 20:54

First of yes sorry spearow. Second thankfully my brother and I are fine and the guy that was behind us is too, well aside from being beyond pisses off at me he was fine. The reason I slammed my break is because the street I was driving in is infamous for people getting hit because they run across hopping to beat the car and I though I was about to hit a little kid or an animal. When we got home I explained to him how Pokemon is not a good reason to get us kill especially for a simple Pokemon like that one. Don't get me wrong I play the game to and have had some close calls because I wasn't paying attention but none where while I was driving. I mostly walk or ride my bike to go hunting for pokémon

Bachelor party

By Anonymous - 07/02/2020 18:00

Today, I had to cancel my wedding because my fiancé is so hungover from his bachelor party, he's throwing up all over the place, can't stand up straight and is calling me by the stripper's name he met yesterday night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 249

You deserved it 464

Introverts of the world can relate

By Trooper - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom - Caterham

Today, I saw the postman approach my house through the window, and my immediate reaction was to drop to the floor in fear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 344

You deserved it 2 480

By Spider fail - 31/05/2016 19:06 - United States - East Lansing

Today, I had a dream that I was swinging through New York City as my favorite hero, Spider-Man. I was almost immediately beaten to death by a mugger. I suck even in my dreams. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 741

You deserved it 1 095

Spellcasting and tools

By married to a nerd - 07/06/2018 20:30

Today, I asked my 4-year-old daughter where her father went. She said, "Out to have fun with Zoe." Acting on suspicion, I followed him and did a stakeout. Hours later, I barged in and caught him playing Dungeons and Dragons. "Zoe" is the female wizard he plays as. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 919

You deserved it 4 571

By Anonymous - 07/05/2016 01:40 - United States - Walnut

Spicy

Today, I walked in on my mom in the bathroom, washing a dildo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 322

You deserved it 2 461

How could you?

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - Australia

Today, I briefly had the coolest boss in the world. He stormed over to a nasty customer who was giving me hell, and he absolutely laid into her. It lasted about 10 seconds before he collapsed from a major heart attack. A coworker's already blamed me for not pacifying the customer in the first place and causing all this to happen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 179

You deserved it 1 088

But my grandbabiiiiiiiies

By Anonymous - 23/01/2016 09:21 - Australia - Canberra

Today, after the topic of grandkids came up yet again, my fiancé confessed that we've been having trouble conceiving. Later, I overheard his mum telling him to take my engagement ring back to the store and get a refund, because apparently I'm not worth marrying if I can't give him kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 055

You deserved it 1 648

By Anonymous - 19/01/2016 01:46 - United States - Encino

Today, a friend told me that when I read, I make all the expressions the characters in the book are making. Apparently, I have been doing this since I was a kid, and no one ever told me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 748

You deserved it 2 173

Antivax idiot

By jesus fuck - 19/12/2018 13:30

Today, I got my one year-old daughter vaccinated. My wife tried to leave me, because she's "never felt more betrayed". FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 182

You deserved it 616

So, are you in or are you out?

By The Fishing Pole - 15/06/2017 18:00

Today, I told my long time crush, "I love you," in an elaborate way. She replied, "What an interesting perspective." FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 772

You deserved it 804

By fuck you btichass cuntshit - 20/08/2015 16:18 - United States - Shelburne

Today, I accidentally dropped and shattered my small bathroom mirror. My sister came to see what was going on, took one look at the shattered mirror, and said, "About time you put it out if its misery." FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 829

You deserved it 2 730

By Whywhywhy - 20/08/2017 13:01

Today, my daughter decided to draw me a heart for my birthday. Unfortunately, she drew it on the side of my car. With a rock. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 360

You deserved it 382

Force of habit

By Unlucky - 05/09/2017 16:00

Today, while crossing the street, I was honked at by a stopped car. I responded with a finger and a "Fuck you!" It was my boss who just wanted to say hi. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 767

You deserved it 4 903

Thanks, I hate it

By Candy_Crushed - 08/09/2017 22:30 - United States - Mims

Today, after nearly three years of no contact whatsoever, I received a Facebook notification from my father. Eager to see what he said, I pulled it up only to see a game request. He had run out of lives on Candy Crush. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 324

You deserved it 349

By LETMEOUT! - 18/09/2017 04:30

Today, despite being claustrophobic and avoiding lifts at all costs, I had to use the lift at work to carry boxes of paper to the 3rd floor. It broke down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 794

You deserved it 309

Party for One!

By Sam - 08/12/2017 01:30

Today, at the supermarket, I bought a cake and had my friend's name put on it. It wasn't anyone's birthday, I just wanted to feel less ashamed about buying a whole cake for myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 008

You deserved it 2 160

By Sam - 09/01/2018 19:00

Today, I had debilitating stomach cramps and told my mom, but she said she was too tired to take me to the ER. I had appendicitis. Thanks Mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 850

You deserved it 263

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Today, despite spending literal years educating my son about safe sex and warning him not to do something stupid like get a girl pregnant at 16, he actually surpassed my expectations. He got her pregnant at 17. Plus she gave him a nasty STD. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 419

You deserved it 245

Today, my brother offered me $20 to practice his kissing on me for his date later this evening. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 452

You deserved it 4 711

Today, I broke my fifth bone in three years. While I'd like say that they've all been scary, athletic injuries, most have been from attempting to do things as mundane as walking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 581

You deserved it 884

Today, I came home very tired from a bad day at work, and really just wanted to relax on the couch for a while. My cat jumped into my lap, wanting affection. I was petting him, thanking him for his emotional support. He reciprocated by noxiously farting in my face and running away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 465

You deserved it 187

Savour the flavor of the day, but be careful out there!

I agree, your life sucks 724

You deserved it 196

Today, my boyfriend tried to claim it was my fault that he cheated on me, all because I "deprived" him of sex for two weeks last month when I went on a family vacation. If his mental gymnastics were physical, I swear he'd be able to suck his own cock. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 931

You deserved it 2 612