By got got

Great help

Today, I just moved in with my friend and had my brother help with the move. Later that night both my brother and my friend wouldn't let me sleep because of how loud the sex was. FML

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Commando

This guy is a GENIUS

Sticky situation

By Anonymous

Today, I saw a guy at a bar that looked cute. I didn't dare talk to him, though. When I was on my way home, drunkenly singing the entire way, I finally noticed he was walking along behind me. Probably for about 15 minutes. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, the lady in front of me in the checkout line had a pacifier hanging around her neck, but I didn't think much of it until it was time for her to pay. She reacted to the $250 total by crying like a baby and very loudly asking me to put the pacifier in her mouth to calm her down. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bloomdale

Today, my husband and I switched phones by accident. I've already received several naked pictures from one of his co-workers. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while shopping, I was grabbed and dragged off to a security room with no warning. Apparently, the way I was dressed and walking was suspicious. FML

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By Too manly - United States - Stockton

Today, as I was walking with my boyfriend, holding hands, a woman began screaming at us about how we "f*ggots" are "ruining America." I'm a girl. FML

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By Kilania

Today, my boyfriend was talking about video games. Bored of the subject, I started kissing his neck and chest in hopes of him to stop talking and getting some action. He did stop, only for him to say about a minute later, "You're lucky my games can't do this." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was eating dinner with my family. My parents didn't want me to hear what they were talking about so they decided they would spell out the words so I wouldn't understand. I didn't. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, on the train, I was bitten by a homeless man. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had my first concert and was really anxious about screwing up my performance. Good news: I played fine. Bad news: as I walked off the stage, I tripped over my own feet, face-planted the floor, and busted my nose open. FML

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By IllJustGetYouASweaterThen - United States

Today, I was called handsome. Too bad it was coming from a trashed homeless lady, who then went on to tell me that she likes my lips and wants to rape me. FML

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By chickenlover - United States

Today, I was driving past a farm that always has 4 chickens walking around outside. It always cheers me up to see them, but I couldn't find them. I wasn't watching the road so I didn't see when I ran over all 4 chickens. FML

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By sos - United States

Today, I found out that I can't pass a field sobriety test while sober. FML

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By bellaboop1990 - United States

Today, my drunk boyfriend told me he thought of new positions for us to try in bed because it was getting boring. We haven't had sex yet. FML

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By AuraOfJustice - United States

Today, I was texting a girl I like. Every message she sent came ten minutes after I sent her a message. When I told her "I've to go", she responded almost instantly with an "Ok, bye". FML

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By MERRY FUCKMYARSEMASS - United Kingdom

Today, my car broke down on the highway, and I had to call for a tow truck. It finally showed up, only to break down too less than a mile later. Cue nearly freezing to death while we waited for help to arrive for the both of us. FML

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By sadkid - United States

Today, my mom called me a bastard, told me I should run away, and said I don't deserve to live in her house. All because I didn't use a plate when I ate a Poptart. FML

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By Confused - United States

Today, while skiing, the creepy guy controlling the chair lift said I was pretty. I was so caught off guard that I fell off. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Newark

Today, after dieting, rigorous exercising and a major lifestyle change, I have finally reached my fitness goal. My parents were more excited about my 17-year-old brother getting to 3rd base with his girlfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Nottingham

Today, while visiting my grandparents, I was afraid that one of their many cats would pee on me. I was peed on all right, by my grandma. FML

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By Bro

Today, I found out that my wife of five years is also my half-sister. She has no idea, I don't know how to tell her, and I've never been more turned on. FML

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By Username - France

Today, at my cousin's baby shower, there was a discussion on what to name the baby. When the name Jacqueline was brought up, I made a face and exclaimed, "Ugh, I hate that name!" I was then informed that's the name of my cousin's mother-in-law. She definitely heard me. FML

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By Dan - 17/11/2020 22:58

Bye bye

Today, I fell asleep at work. I got woke up by my boss with a coffee and a referral letter. FML

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By DontGive2Fox

Today, I had my first job interview and didn’t have much of an appetite because of the nerves. So I grabbed a brownie that my roommate had left in the fridge and ate it on the train ride in to the city. About 20 minutes into my interview I was so stoned I couldn’t speak. FML

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By :( - United States - Pearland

Today, I got my dad to fill in a questionnaire my teacher handed out on Friday. One question said "I would like to see my son/daughter ______." My dad wrote in the blank: "less often." FML

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By ilovemom - United States

Today, holding my newborn baby and yearning for some affection from my mother, I asked my mom what the best day of her life was, hoping she would say the day I was born. Her answer? "The day you moved out." She was serious. FML

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By Ashley J. - United States

Today, my family gathered at my 96 year old great-grandmother's surprise birthday party that was my idea. When she walked in, we surprised her so much that she literally had a heart attack. She is now in the hospital. FML

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By perfectmoment - Canada

Today, I called my boyfriend to have a shoulder to cry on because my grandpa died. As soon as I told him, he started crying and telling me how much he missed his grandmother, who died six years ago. I spent the majority of the phone call listening to him wail. FML

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By omfgmaya - Denmark

Today, my boyfriend brought me to his place to meet his parents. When they saw me, they laughed. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, my Christian boyfriend of six months broke up with me. I had told him when we started dating that I was an atheist, and he just now decided to look up what it is. He gave me a bible. FML

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By LifeInShambles

Today, I decided to turn my life around by finding a job, going to a gym, and getting counselling. Counselling is £145 a month. A gym would be £50 a month minimum, and there's an 8-year gap in my resumé, and everyone says no one will hire me because of it. FML

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By knickersdontfit - United States

Today, I was doing my grocery shopping, absent-mindedly wondering if my new diet was working. I got my answer when my panties fell down around my ankles. FML

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By irresponsible - United States

Today, I missed my shift at work. I had asked my girlfriend, who works at the same store, to text me my schedule. She sent me the wrong hours for today. I got suspended, and she broke up with me for being too irresponsible. FML

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By James - 31/1/2021 20:00

Noise annoys

Today, I was apparently too noisy when I left for work. My options are either try to be more quiet when I leave or set my alarm later and then have no time for breakfast. I share a room with my nephew and I walk to work. FML

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By Embarrassed Daughter - United States - Erlanger

Mom Jokes FTW

Today, as we were going through airport security, my mom tried to joke with the person searching her bag, saying, "Just don't take out my vibrator!" She practically shouted it for the whole line to hear. FML

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By AvengdSevenfold - United States

Today, I was playing Ultimate Frisbee and trying to make new friends since I'm new at my college. I was running after an overthrown frisbee for a touchdown. Everyone cheered me on to keep going. I ran full speed into a fence. FML

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By rainydays79 - United States

Today, I realized that I am the only one among my group of friends who names their bowel movements. FML

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By Sunshine56 - United States - Greenbrier

Today, I sold cigarettes to a woman who promptly told me that she smoked meth. It's only my second night working this job. FML

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By Paul Williams - United States

Today, I had my first hockey game after being out with a shoulder injury. I ended up cracking my tail bone. FML

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By Imnotfromhere - 5/3/2021 05:01

How? Why? What?

Today, I wore leggings without underwear. When I got in the car after a busy shopping day, I realized that my pubes had poked through the fabric and my bush was on the outside of my pants. FML

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By PumaGator

Today, I was added to a random group chat. They were planning to film a porno and each member sent a nude. They were all grannies. FML

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Top comments

By ojosRojos | 28

#7878401 - Thursday 30 January 2020 15:13

Wow, your brother really goes the extra mile when helping people, huh?

By Jonkbaby | 20

#7878438 - Thursday 30 January 2020 18:14

guess he needed help with that package

COMMENTS

By mfranks19891989 | 10

#7878392 - Thursday 30 January 2020 14:29

Did your brother wear his thong, bra and high heels

Reply

Paul Rushing | 21

#7878961 - Saturday 1 February 2020 20:35

Wrong fml...

By ojosRojos | 28

#7878401 - Thursday 30 January 2020 15:13

Wow, your brother really goes the extra mile when helping people, huh?

By RichardPencil | 30

#7878421 - Thursday 30 January 2020 16:31

Your brother really knows how to move in!

Reply

Chad Fehn | 3

#7878560 - Friday 31 January 2020 2:41

He didn’t move in. He was helping with the move.

Reply

RichardPencil | 30

#7878564 - Friday 31 January 2020 2:51

I'd say he moved in on the friend, if you know what I mean ;)

By Jonkbaby | 20

#7878438 - Thursday 30 January 2020 18:14

guess he needed help with that package

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7878816 - Saturday 1 February 2020 5:59

That was fast.

By jessi | 4

#7896166 - Thursday 9 April 2020 13:22

You were the one who brought your brother over to your new place