The Top

Hey op here. I loved all the comments. They were really funny. And I did throw away the lingerie. The worst part was it was my favorite pair so I was sad I had to throw it away.

By steak through the heart - 18/11/2014 18:57 - United States - El Monte

Today, I went on a date. I took her out to an expensive steak house. When she was done eating, she got up, said she was married, and told me she only accepted the date because I'd be paying for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 093

You deserved it 4 131

Dodged a bullet

By CC. - 11/10/2011 14:51 - Sweden

Today, I met an old friend, with whom I have a complicated history and we hooked up. He came before we even started. In his sleep, he pushed me out of the bed. When I woke up, he had peed himself in his sleep. Glad I let that ship sail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 913

You deserved it 25 075

Doing the rounds

By Anonymous - 18/12/2009 20:33 - United States

Today, my best friend admitted to me that he and my girlfriend have been cheating behind my back for the past two months. The reason he finally admitted it? Because she's now cheating on him with another one of our friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 171

You deserved it 2 882

Toniiiiight, I'm a rock n roll staaaaaar

By NotKeithRichards - 06/09/2011 12:07 - United States

Today, while playing a gig with my band, I tried pulling the classic "playing the guitar with one foot on the monitor" rock-star pose. However, I misjudged the height of the monitor, didn't notice the puddle of beer in front of it, slipped, and fell off the stage into the security guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 274

You deserved it 28 692

It's probably for the best

By Serire - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Monroe

Today, my boyfriend couldn't go on a date with me because his mom said no. He's 23. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 592

You deserved it 5 319

By Anonymous - 19/05/2009 05:16 - Canada

Today, after a long night of partying, I was hanging out with this girl I really like. I was feeling really hungover, so we were just sitting at the park. She confessed to me that she's liked me since the day she met me. Out of excitement and hungoverness, I threw up on her shoes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 209

You deserved it 21 189

By JJAnd - 28/08/2011 06:37 - United States

Today, I woke up at 7am next to the man I swore I'd never get intimate with again. After trying to get back to sleep despite my shame and disgust, he ripped the loudest fart ever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 283

You deserved it 48 100

By noooo - 08/08/2011 07:10 - United States

Today, my new friend and I went out to a concert. When we came back to her house, she ran upstairs and left me alone. Suddenly, a naked man came into my view and I stared at him, horrified. Great way to meet her Dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 044

You deserved it 2 712

By Anonymous - 08/10/2015 01:47 - United States - Woodbridge

Today, the 3 girls who have continuously bullied me for the past 3 years gave a class presentation on why bullying is so terrible. Judging from our teacher's comments, they're going to get top marks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 615

You deserved it 1 758

By oh_lordy_me - 24/09/2015 17:53 - United States - Chicago

Today, my cat still loves me too much. He schedules his dumps for when I'm doing my makeup in the bathroom so he can stay with me. I either have to suffer the noxious odor or be late for work. This is a daily thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 039

You deserved it 3 317

oh_lordy_me tells us more.

oh_lordy_me 18

Saturday 26 September 2015 3:39

OP here! I would love to move his litter box but in a one bedroom apartment it's pretty useless, unless I want the smell in the bedroom or living room/kitchen! As for shutting the door, I probably should! Took me a little while to realize what he was doing, since this is a recent habit of his. The little turd (pun intended) used to chill with me as I was getting ready and him meowing outside of the door is annoying as hell. But, yeah, all in all, I vacate the premises for a few minutes, light a candle and all is good :)

Lumpy

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - San Francisco

Today, my wooden floor gave me a splinter on the bottom of my foot. I don't have the flexibility nor the eyesight to find it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 987

You deserved it 7 145

By LordCrafte - 15/05/2013 23:43 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, after finding out that I would never be able to move my dominant arm again, I decided to talk to my best friend about it because it was getting to me. She responded with, "It really bugs me that you made this conversation all about you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 458

You deserved it 3 255

Smells like teen shit

By great 1st impression - 25/05/2014 16:09 - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time over dinner. I had to use the bathroom part way through, and ended up taking the foulest dump of my life. I cracked open a window on my way out, but my boyfriend's dad went in soon after, quickly retching and booming, "What the fuck?!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 993

You deserved it 7 934

By Anonymous - 25/04/2012 14:33 - United States - Oakland

Today, I finally found the jewelry my two-year-old son had lost when it got lodged in my foot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 540

You deserved it 2 731

By CatLady - 06/01/2014 19:20 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I brought up the subject of marriage with my boyfriend. His response was to shoot me with a nerf gun and laugh. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 233

You deserved it 9 649

By Raaar - 26/08/2009 04:29 - United States

Today, I went to a concert. Knowing these concerts usually include a lot of black lights, I decided to wear a black T-shirt so I wouldn't glow. I was having a good time, but about halfway through I noticed someone pointing to my shoulder. I looked down to see my dandruff glowing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 503

You deserved it 17 683

Chilling

By craZycatLady - 20/04/2015 18:06 - United States - Mission

Today, while spring cleaning, my cat came into the kitchen with a live mouse in her mouth. She looked me dead in the eyes and dropped the mouse, which then ran into my bedroom. It's been 4 hours and I still can't find it. Where's the cat? Chilling like nothing happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 436

You deserved it 3 636

By misc - 08/02/2009 02:31 - United States

Today, I accidentally unplugged my headphones in the quiet section of the library, causing my music to play from my laptop at full volume. I was listening to Celine Dion. I'm the captain of the football team. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 513

You deserved it 51 244

By Anonymous - 25/12/2012 01:31 - United States - Danbury

Today, I had to slowly explain to my mother that Americans are not the only people who celebrate Christmas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 300

You deserved it 2 900

The Dictator

By anonymous - 18/01/2012 05:06 - United States

Today, I discovered that my new landlords must meet and approve guests of mine before they come over, and guests are not allowed when they aren't home or past 11pm. I'm 25 years old and just moved out of my parents' home to get away from my controlling mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 176

You deserved it 4 119

By anonymous - 13/03/2016 19:53 - United States - Marysville

Today, when my son gets mad in a store, he will scream stranger danger and run away from me, and to an employee, and ask for help. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 993

You deserved it 2 419

Boiling point

By sharky - 05/10/2012 20:25 - United States

Today, I have a massive headache, thanks to my asshat of a roommate, who decided to balance our tea kettle on the top of the kitchen door. When I stumbled into the kitchen, half-awake, it came smashing down onto my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 117

You deserved it 2 047

By francesa_loca - 14/10/2011 16:09 - Canada

Today, my father started drinking a little early. At some point, he got hungry and decided to boil eggs. He started a dozen, drank some more, and passed out on the couch. When I came home, all the water had boiled off and the eggs had exploded all over the kitchen. I'm still cleaning up the mess. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 986

You deserved it 2 529

By thelordofpies - 17/10/2014 15:24 - United States

Today, I rode my new motorcycle to work for the first time. As I accelerated, I felt a sharp pain in my neck. Apparently, poisonous spiders can actually get trapped inside motorbike helmets. Duly noted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 667

You deserved it 3 482

thelordofpies tells us more.

thelordofpies 20

Saturday 18 October 2014 2:32

Hey OP here, thanks for all the support guys. Luckily I didn't get into an accident. I was able to come out of the whole incident without a scratch but a massive itchy red welt. The doctor said I'll be fine in a few days time. :)