Today, my mom visited, and I left her for a few minutes while... - FML

By kaheera4 - 4/4/2014 22:38 - United States

Today, my mom visited, and I left her for a few minutes while I used the bathroom. While I was stuck taking a crap, she went on one of her religious rants, telling my children that Easter was off this year because their precious "pagan" Easter Bunny had been murdered. FML

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This is us

Nice neighborhood

Assumptions

By Loser - 4/5/2009 20:15 - Canada

Today, I decided to modify my resume since I've handed out over 30 of them in the past couple of weeks and I haven't gotten any calls back. As soon as I opened it on word document, I noticed that I had forgotten to include my phone number for employers to contact me. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/5/2015 16:17 - Cyprus - Paphos

Today, a new employee started at our office. She's about 18, barely does any work, chews gum loudly, has no manners, and happens to sit right next to me. She also threatens to report me for harassment whenever I politely ask her to not bash my chair with the back of her chair. FML

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By fmeplease - 31/5/2009 21:10 - United Kingdom

Today, I was cleaning out my bedside table when I came across some condoms I bought on my 18th birthday, to use the first time I had sex. They expired five years ago. I'm still waiting for my first time. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/8/2009 00:59 - United States

Today, I left for college. I spent hundreds of dollars on clothes, bedding and other things. After packing my entire closet and everything else I needed, I left only to have to head back home. My dad forgot to pay the first semesters tuition. He said "Oh well, you would have failed out anyway." FML

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By erectioninfection - 1/5/2009 18:21 - United States

Today, I had an ultrasound in fear of testicular cancer. I apparently signed papers allowing an intern to do it for practice. She was in her early 20s and smoking hot so as she was rubbing jelly on my testes I got an erection. FML

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By slapstick1982 - 31/12/2016 17:25 - United States - Ashford

Today, I caught my wife flicking a booger off her finger. I asked her why she was doing that and she said, "Because if I can't see where it lands, it disappears and is not gross". It landed on my arm. I saw where it landed, it did not disappear, and yes it is gross. FML

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By hungry hungry harvey - 8/5/2016 16:56 - United States

Today, my wife is so determined to keep me on my diet that, as I'm off work for the next week, she has gotten rid of all the food in the house. She has also taken the phones and iPads so I can't order a takeaway, and taken all my trousers so I can't walk to the shops. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/9/2011 05:57 - United States

Today, I was eating some popcorn with a guy, and I noticed a piece of hair coming out my mouth. I pulled it... and pulled it... and eventually some popcorn pieces came out attached to the end of the hair. I was so embarrassed, he tried to make me feel better by saying it looked like a magic trick. FML

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By carrottop - 7/1/2011 12:12 - Australia

Today, I finally found out why my fish were dying in their tank. My younger sister had been spraying detergent in there because she wanted "to make the fish smell like lemons". FML

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By Anonymous - 19/2/2011 15:08 - Australia

Today, I went to a haunted show restaurant. I needed the toilet badly, but they were inside the building, which could only be gotten to via a ghost train. The footage of me peeing myself in terror on the train was played on a big screen inside, in front of a crowd of onlookers. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/3/2015 05:01 - United States - Wentzville

Today, I was pulled over by a police officer because he thought I was skipping school. I'm 24 and we graduated high school together. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/2/2013 01:47 - United States - Gonzales

Today, my boyfriend kicked me out and threatened to get a restraining order after I called him an asshole. I'm 16 weeks pregnant and over 1,000 miles away from my parents' house. FML

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By eun - 9/4/2009 01:42 - Canada

Today, at lunch I was running to my group's table with my friend. She accidentally tripped me, and I slid across the café floor face first on my belly. The whole cafeteria was silent. They then broke out in hysterics when the head janitor ran up to me and yelled 'SAFE!' like a baseball umpire. FML

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By mraow123 - 30/5/2009 05:04 - United States

Today, I was walking my dog but every time he looked like he was about to "go", he became uninterested with the spot and kept walking. I, following behind, tripped over a bump in the sidewalk and face planted. My dog then finally urinated, all over my aching body. FML

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By hopefulanonymous - 20/11/2009 16:01 - United States

Today, I dropped off a box for my sister at her job. In a rush, I unknowingly parked in a reserved spot. When I got back to my car, I saw that my car was being towed. After successfully flirting myself out of an expensive towing bill, I backed into the pole behind me, leaving a noticeable dent. FML

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By mack - 25/10/2009 08:54 - Canada

Today, I went to a 'haunted' theme park, actors had been trying to scare me the whole night. I was waiting by an outdoor heater for my friend when a hand came out of nowhere close to my face. I screamed at the top of my lungs, but it was only some chick wanting to warm her hands by the heater. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/7/2017 11:59 - United States - Manchester

A likely story...

Today, my boyfriend of 2 years wanted to break up because I was "kissing" another guy. That guy was 73 years old and dying of a heart-attack. I work as an Ambulance Technician and was performing CPR. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/10/2012 23:39 - United States - Salem

Experimentation

Today, I walked in on my brother sticking his erect penis through a donut. I doubt I'll ever be able to unsee this. FML

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By grimatwork - 1/11/2010 17:24 - United Kingdom

Today, after taking my jacket off at work, I found a large faint stain all across one side of my shirt. Turns out that my fiancé had used it to "clean up the bed." I am the manager of a supermarket with 40 employees. It was pretty obvious what it was. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/3/2009 06:10 - United States

Today, I volunteered at a nursing home. I approached a lonely, old man who had a type of nervous tick. I went over to speak to him, and not even four sentences into our conversation he says, "I'd really like to make love to you." What I thought was a tick was actually him stroking himself. FML

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By NoUsernamHere - 3/6/2015 13:25 - United States

Today, I was working on a project in my schools library when a group of teenagers came in and began loudly talking and laughing. When I asked them to please quiet down, the librarian asked me to leave for being too loud. FML

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By Two wrecks one car - 20/8/2018 16:30 - United States - New Braunfels

Today, a woman pulled out in front me and I couldn't avoid hitting her. When we pulled off on the side of the road to inspect the damage, she backed into me. My car is only a month old. FML

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By snow - 17/11/2017 01:30

Today, I woke up with a massive hangover after passing out at a wild party the night before. Apparently my friends couldn't find a marker, because I woke up with dozens of dicks drawn on my body and face in henna. I have a job interview today. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/9/2016 21:29 - United States - Fairfield

Today, two months into my new marketing job, I presented my first webinar live to over 300 people. Half the audience complained about the horrible sound quality, saying all they could hear was a Mickey Mouse squeaky sound. Turns out it wasn't the sound quality, it was my voice. FML

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By joey - 9/3/2020 05:00

Zapped

Today, my mom decided to try her new taser on me while I was asleep on the couch. FML

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By Watsausrname - 14/6/2016 02:31

Today, I was using the restroom at a gas station when someone hurriedly knocked on the door. Thinking that it was my sister, I playfully said, "Hold up, hoe!" I opened the door to see a goth woman with an edgy haircut giving me a death stare. FML

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By Anon - 9/1/2013 19:27 - United States - Southbury

Today, I was laughing at a girl who really sucks at badminton. Turns out she has anger issues, and a really good aim when she's mad. I've never been hit so hard in the crotch before. FML

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By birthdaygirl - 16/4/2014 17:24 - United States - San Francisco

Today, it's my birthday. The only people who wished me a happy birthday were the ones who saw the "birthday boy" poster my sister plastered around school, which included a photo of me as a kid dressed up as a girl. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/2/2012 19:18 - United States

Today, I was posing in front of the mirror, when I realized that everyone who looks at me can easily tell which arm I use to masturbate. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/5/2020 14:00

Splat!

Today, I have a case of diarrhea. How did I find out? I got startled by my dog jumping up to greet me, and I shat all over the kitchen floor. FML

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By lovely321 - 2/4/2011 19:46 - United States

Today, I was giving a strip tease over Skype to my boyfriend. My mom walked in mid-way through, took a long look at me, said hi to my boyfriend, and walked out. FML

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By tikizombie - 31/8/2010 00:04 - Canada

Today, I went with my family to go see a notoriously creepy abandoned house. We noticed the people had left a lot of stuff behind so we loaded up the car with books, records, etc. As we were leaving, we saw the family who lived there drive up. I robbed a house with my grandma. FML

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By Karmaisabitch - 18/5/2012 06:07 - United States - Boulder

Today, I wanted to prank my roommate. So, I thought it would be funny to take all the toilet paper out of our bathroom. She thought it would be funny to wipe with my cashmere sweater. FML

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By ChrisD2V - 1/12/2011 03:52 - United States

Today, I photocopied several hundred pages of my school's textbook because I didn't want to buy it. My school later says to just buy it and it will be reimbursed. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/5/2020 17:00

Indifference

Today, my boyfriend walked in on me having phone sex with another guy. He either didn't notice or didn't care. FML

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By sadlife - 6/1/2011 03:35

Today, I changed my Facebook relationship status to "In a relationship". The girl is made up and the picture is from Google. FML

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By for fuck sake dad - 2/11/2012 23:50 - Ireland - Limerick

Today, I introduced my boyfriend to my parents. My dad looked at him and said, "Nice outfit, but it's a little late for Halloween." Before I could intervene, my boyfriend said that joke had been done to death, to which my dad retorted, "Yeah, so has your mum." Instant fistfight. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/2/2017 08:00 - Korea, Republic of - Pyongtaek

Today, I broke it off with my mistress so that I could work on my marriage. Shortly after, my wife received an anonymous message saying that I was unfaithful. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/1/2010 05:30 - United States

Today, I was drinking from a water fountain. I bent over to sip the water and felt a HUGE slap on my ass. Completely confused, I turn around to see some guy with a horrified look on his face. Apparently he thought I was his girlfriend. And then I saw his girlfriend standing behind him. Giving me the evil eye. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/7/2013 16:02 - Canada - Mississauga

Today, trying to be funny in front of some friends, I held my cat above my head Lion King style. The height must have made him nervous, because he shat on my head. FML

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Top comments

By SweetasCandy0609 | 28

#5905384 - Saturday 5 April 2014 4:59

wow that's messed up your mom shouldn't be going around killing the Easter bunny like that.

By Le_Doctor | 10

#5905382 - Saturday 5 April 2014 4:58

Oh the loving embrace of grandmothers

Comments

By oj101 | 33

#5905368 - Saturday 5 April 2014 4:56

Today's religion is tomorrow's mythology.

By asapp78 | 16

#5905378 - Saturday 5 April 2014 4:58

My kids mom... you had your chance.

Reply

TourettesGuyFTW | 25

#5905466 - Saturday 5 April 2014 5:50

Erm...What now??

Reply

ThomasBombadil | 31

#5905662 - Saturday 5 April 2014 13:15

I agree #19. Not sure why #2 is getting so many thumbs down.

Reply

mannatee | 19

#5905666 - Saturday 5 April 2014 13:47

44-it's because the way she said it was really really stupid

Reply

PIGaming | 21

#5905673 - Saturday 5 April 2014 14:14

#45, its not that what she said was stupid, but the lack of punctuation makes what she may have meant to imply completly incomprehinsable.

Reply

sjbartholome | 14

#5905712 - Saturday 5 April 2014 15:25

@46: "45, its not what she said was stupid" #45 never said anything about the content of the comment being stupid. They said THE WAY they posted their comment was stupid.

Reply

epeeftw | 15

#5906023 - Saturday 5 April 2014 20:41

It wasn't that stupid the way it was phrased. It definitely wasn't incomprehensible. I understood it clearly and didn't have to think about it. It would be more stupid if someone couldn't understand that.

By uarudeassbitchyo | 17

#5905379 - Saturday 5 April 2014 4:58

Childhood ruined.

Reply

Earl_KarmasBitch | 28

#5906329 - Sunday 6 April 2014 4:28

Go ahead with leaving the eggs around anyway. They'll never believe a word she says again.

By Le_Doctor | 10

#5905382 - Saturday 5 April 2014 4:58

Oh the loving embrace of grandmothers

By SweetasCandy0609 | 28

#5905384 - Saturday 5 April 2014 4:59

wow that's messed up your mom shouldn't be going around killing the Easter bunny like that.

Reply

ironichalibut | 24

#5905446 - Saturday 5 April 2014 5:29

She obviously has details on what happened, Op an their kids can phone the police. Maybe a police officer will be cool enough to pretend to be the Easter bunny, safe in police protection too.

By chocolatefrog28 | 29

#5905386 - Saturday 5 April 2014 5:00

It's nice that she supported your decision to celebrate the spirit of the day and played along in not ruining their holiday... Oh wait.

By thatnucca | 36

#5905391 - Saturday 5 April 2014 5:02

Why she gotta troll that hard though?! Smfh

Reply

imyy | 20

#5905593 - Saturday 5 April 2014 9:30

Smfh = suck my fanny hard? :-)

The phrase smh and smfh need to die. They're ridiculously stupid.

Reply

HeyTherexxx | 21

#5905630 - Saturday 5 April 2014 12:08

"Yolo" and "swag" are worse than "smh."
Go make the most ridiculous sayings die out before you target the petty ones.

Reply

PIGaming | 21

#5905675 - Saturday 5 April 2014 14:23

Both your comments are void as you honestly beleive that YOLO, smh and swag are either a phrase or a saying. In actual fact, they are abbreviations and/or slang! smh at swagfag teenieboppers.

Reply

ItsATwinThing | 9

#5905698 - Saturday 5 April 2014 15:06

"Slang is an abbreviation of the word shortened language." I think that's a quote from the Big Bang Theory.

Reply

8born8 | 18

#5907081 - Monday 7 April 2014 2:06

Colloquialisms.

By Saddyohh | 13

#5905405 - Saturday 5 April 2014 5:06

But like all great Saviors! The Easter Bunny rose from his tomb and still had his way with all those chickens. Amen!

By Retrokitty | 9

#5905407 - Saturday 5 April 2014 5:07

That's when you tell them grandmas just mad because the Easter bunny never got her anything, and teach them a lesson on why you don't take your anger out on other people.

By EdenCrystal | 21

#5905408 - Saturday 5 April 2014 5:07

Am I the only one who is wondering who would go out all the way to Easter Island to do that?