Love: Today, my girlfriend bought two tickets for a cruise to the Bahamas....

By probably single - Denmark - Gram

Today, my girlfriend bought two tickets for a cruise to the Bahamas. Too bad the second ticket isn't for me. I guess her ex-boyfriend will have a wonderful time with her. FML

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Love

Commando

Damn kids!

Too much meat on my hands

By Tyler Smith - United States

Today, my girlfriend thinks my house is filled with ghosts. She can only hear them when I fart. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it's my two year anniversary with my wife. She's celebrating the day with her new boyfriend. FML

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By _aPerson_ - Canada - Airdrie

Today, I lost the key to my bike lock. I ended up having to cut it off, even though it was brand new. After spending 30 minutes hacking away at it, it finally came off. When I hopped onto my bike, I felt something poking my leg. My key was in my pocket the whole time. FML

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8804

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By LonelyAngel22

Today, out of curiosity, I took an online test to see if I have ADHD. Halfway through, I got so distracted and bored that I gave up. Guess I know the answer. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/12/2020 19:56

Imagine if we had a social safety net…

Today, I was called selfish for complaining about COVID lockdowns. Thanks to lockdowns, my family's restaurant has been permanently closed, I've burned through all my savings, and we are going to lose our house. I guess being upset about my family's plight is selfish. FML

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By Anonymous - France - Sainte-savine

Go deep

Today, I was chatting with a co-worker, and she mentioned she has trouble swallowing pills. I replied that I'm lucky, because I have next to no gag reflex. Half the guys at the other registers abruptly went silent, and I'm now being constantly hit on. FML

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By boostedsaab - France

Today, I asked my girlfriend why she can't treat me like the way I treat her. She said, "because you love me more than I love you." FML

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By Anonymous - 25/8/2020 14:00

Let it mellow

Today, my 5-year-old got carsick and lost his breakfast all over himself and the back seat. When I got home to clean him off and clean out the car, I discovered that construction workers hit a main water line while working on road expansion at the front of my neighborhood. We won’t have running water until 4 a.m. FML

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By mster233 - United States

Today, I found out that my parents like rough sex. I found the whip and handcuffs. FML

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33211

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By Anonymous - United States - Puyallup

Today, on my way to my therapist, my father told me to lie to her and tell her that I'm happy so he doesn't have to drive me in anymore. FML

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28672

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By Bitch its me - Korea Republic of

Today, I got up at five, got dressed, and walked halfway to work in the snow. I then realized that it's Sunday. I also forgot my keys. FML

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By Beewwwbs - Australia - Wembley

Today, I'm on a pill that "may cause breast tenderness". My 32E breasts took that to mean swell up a size, become heavy as lead, be so sore I can't move without a bra on, and stiffen my neck and back muscles so badly I thought I had an ear infection. This will last "a few weeks to months". FML

I agree, your life sucks

2665

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By OutOfLuck - United States

Today, my professor informed me that if I didn't "show more commitment" to my choral ensemble he would give my spot to a "more interested young woman." I missed class to see my neurologist. Apparently my seizures are a symptom of lack of commitment. FML

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39273

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By INeedMoney - United States

Today, I just finished my first week of unemployment. I don't have any money. I also just finished the last toilet paper roll. FML

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28614

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By shelbylove115 - United States - Nevada City

Today, I walked into my near pitch-black bathroom and saw a person staring back at me. I woke my whole family up with my screams. The person was my reflection. FML

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14572

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By fuck's sake - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I went to a karaoke bar for the first time. I'd never sung in front of others, but I gave it a try. I was accused of being way too drunk and was asked to leave. I didn't get kicked out in the end, but I was told that my singing voice sounds like a dying goat. FML

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18984

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By Brittany - United States

Today, a guy professed his love for me in front of my friends. The guy is my first cousin. FML

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43545

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By Anonymous - United States - San Marcos

Today, I had a dream about marrying Hitler. I've had this same dream three times now. My subconscious is starting to scare me. FML

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50838

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By Thomas - United States

Today, I was on my way home on an airplane. The guy I had to sit next to was reading a book with naked girls in it. About 15 minutes into the flight, he had an erection and started to giggle. It was a 2 hour flight. FML

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38099

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By WOWBear - United States - Mesa

Today, a deaf customer came to my work. In an attempt to connect with him I introduced myself in sign language. He just rolled his eyes and pointed at my name tag. FML

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50134

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By Melting in Texas

Today, I discovered that my freezer had died when I saw the contents oozing out the bottom. The now-full trash can won't be picked up for another 6 days, and the high temperatures are supposed to be in the 100s all week. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/11/2020 01:57 - United States

Strange metric

Today, I decided that I need to lose weight when I discovered I could no longer chew on my own toenails. FML

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By best_mom_ever - United States - Mount Juliet

Today, my husband and I decided to tell our sixteen-year-old daughter that she's adopted. Her response was, "Thank God!" FML

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By adeeri - United States - Jackson

Today, a little kid accidentally ran into me at the pool. He apologized by biting my leg. FML

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By Jackal - United States - Trumbull

Today, I found out the time I'd requested off for a trip in 2 months, that my boss said that I could go on, wasn't fully processed, just in case he decided I couldn't go. He told me the second part after I'd bought no refund tickets for shows for both me and my girlfriend. FML

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By stink

Today, my roommate informed me that he took a bet to not shower or bathe until Christmas. The bet is for five bucks. FML

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33320

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By Nearly blind

Today, I forgot my contact solution and used my sister's. When I put them in, my eyes burnt like hell. Apparently my sister has a new solution that is acidic and only gets neutralized after 12 hours in a special container. The warning is on the INSIDE of the bottle label. FML

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2816

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By Anonymous

Today, my wife who knows I am attracted to women with long hair -just like 95% of men-, instead of growing her hair long, she said she is going to stop being friends with any women who have long hair because she does not want me to be attracted to them. FML

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By Whytetrash - Australia - Sydney

Today, a customer broke my nose for refusing to give him a discount because the product he was buying had a fine layer of dust on the box. FML

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45970

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By VtecKickIn - United States

Today, I was driving with my girlfriend. As we turned onto our block, she shrieked that our dog was running down the street and into traffic. I jumped out of the moving car and chased him for about a mile, only to give up, go home, and find out it wasn't our dog. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to patiently listen as a customer nattered on and on about how incompetent I was for not stocking the movie she was looking for. It took nearly 20 minutes to get her to calm down long enough for me to explain that there is no such movie as "Hobbits With Shotguns". FML

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29661

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By - France

Today, a ball rolled up to me, so I picked it up and threw it over the school wall. A little boy who was behind me asked for his ball back. It's Sunday and the school is closed. FML

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9322

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my psycho stepmother and I got into an argument, and she started to get physical. After calling the police, and a cop showing up at the door, he took her side because she said it was "discipline". I'm a 29 year old man. FML

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37097

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By nodullmoment - United States - Lafayette

Today, I got home and noticed people were looking at my next-door neighbor's house that is for rent. Peering closer, I realized my ex-boyfriend and the girl he cheated on me with a few months ago are inside. After they left, the "for rent" sign came down. I've got new neighbors. FML

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56027

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By Wtf - Canada

Today, my doctor told me my asthma was being triggered by my dad's smoking. He wrote a note to my dad, asking him to refrain from smoking while around me. My dad took one look at the note, then threw it in the trash, saying the doctor "doesn't know what he's talking about." FML

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By KitCatAttack - 11/10/2020 10:06

Hit and miss

Today, I told my close friend that I have a thing for him. His reaction? "Oh, fuck." FML

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947

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I couldn't find my phone. Worried that I'd accidentally thrown it in the trash, I emptied out all the bins and searched the garbage. An hour later, my daughter said she'd found it by the bathroom sink. FML

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9974

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By cacheson

Forever Alone

Today, I finally felt the inspiration to write creatively again. I worked for an hour on a character concept before I realized I'd actually created an imaginary sister/best friend for myself because I’m so lonely. FML

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1351

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By Anonymous

Today, I realized cigarettes are my cure for boredom. I bore myself out of $2000-plus a year. FML

I agree, your life sucks

807

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By Anonymous - United States - Spring Hope

Today, I am sitting next to a guy who very clearly has lice crawling on his head. It's a six hour flight. FML

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49105

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Top comments

By rhiannahoward14 | 19

#6305393 - Saturday 30 May 2015 9:13

Your name... "Probably single"...
You should DEFINITELY be single and YOU should be the one to end it.

By kameron018 | 18

#6305382 - Saturday 30 May 2015 9:07

Sorry to hear that OP. Have a good time without her somewhere else!

COMMENTS

By kameron018 | 18

#6305382 - Saturday 30 May 2015 9:07

Sorry to hear that OP. Have a good time without her somewhere else!

scyth3s | 13

#6305463 - Saturday 30 May 2015 11:31

This comment has a blindingly bright outlook on things.

R2Y2 | 22

#6305640 - Saturday 30 May 2015 17:20

Probably should have a good time without her somewhere else....forever. OP I smell foul play.

ScarredVox92 | 16

#6305866 - Saturday 30 May 2015 23:03

yeah, no. there would be no relationship, if OP has any sense.

By Kurby14 | 21

#6305384 - Saturday 30 May 2015 9:09

what a bitch

By itschrissy_16 | 16

#6305385 - Saturday 30 May 2015 9:09

This is so awful. Poor you...

By _parth | 20

#6305392 - Saturday 30 May 2015 9:13

Now is perfect time to go on a vacation for yourself!! And also to break up with her, if you haven't already!!

By rhiannahoward14 | 19

#6305393 - Saturday 30 May 2015 9:13

Your name... "Probably single"...
You should DEFINITELY be single and YOU should be the one to end it.

WCARlover | 34

#6305400 - Saturday 30 May 2015 9:14

Exactly what I went to comment. OP if you weren't the one to dump her you done goofed

jackipdoc | 31

#6305449 - Saturday 30 May 2015 10:17

EXACTLY! No one should be okay with that I can't imagine it not being a definite

iwadasn | 32

#6305883 - Saturday 30 May 2015 23:34

I'm guessing the girlfriend wanted to end things and this was her horrible way of doing it.

By dractheripper | 11

#6305396 - Saturday 30 May 2015 9:14

At least you know now that she's a cunt and that you deserve better? Chin up, OP. Get out there and find someone sweet for you.

By Stillo | 25

#6305398 - Saturday 30 May 2015 9:14

Ex gf * you mean :)

By WellThatWasRude | 27

#6305409 - Saturday 30 May 2015 9:20

Your girlfriend? I think you should make her your ex-girlfriend. Dump her and find someone who deserves your love, OP.

By ColonelCusswords | 24

#6305415 - Saturday 30 May 2015 9:23

Maybe youll get some photos ?

kendallm505050 | 12

#6305709 - Saturday 30 May 2015 19:23

Why would you even comment that?

ColonelCusswords | 24

#6305846 - Saturday 30 May 2015 22:07

Because i am a terrible person

Morning_fml | 22

#6306323 - Sunday 31 May 2015 9:08

That was brutally honest and made this mishap more hilarious.

By amileah13 | 26

#6305423 - Saturday 30 May 2015 9:30

I guess maybe now you're the ex boyfriend?