Today, my girlfriend bought two tickets for a cruise to the Bahamas....

By probably single - Denmark - Gram

Today, my girlfriend bought two tickets for a cruise to the Bahamas. Too bad the second ticket isn't for me. I guess her ex-boyfriend will have a wonderful time with her. FML

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Love

Dangling modifier

Serious times

Emergency haircut

By disgusting - United States

Today, I walked past a girl in the cafeteria and she threw up. Naturally, a crowd was drawn. Her friend asked her what was wrong. She pointed at me and said, "Get him away from me!" I had never met this girl. FML

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By anonynomi - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was accused of shoplifting, after the alarm started beeping as I walked into the store. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I decided to put on my Halloween make-up to be sure that I could and that it would look nice. I was satisfied with my results, and went to wash it off. Everything came off fine, except for the eye liner and eye shadow. It's bright purple. I'm a man. Halloween isn't until Sunday. FML

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By Oh No...

Today, my girlfriend filmed a video about violence in sexual relationships for a class. I expected a monologue kind of thing. She then told me it was an example video of an encounter with a male classmate. She showed me. It’s pretty much porn. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/4/2020 14:00

The Candidate

Today, my sister-in-law announced she would like me to be her surrogate, so that her body doesn't look like a stretched wobbly mess after childbirth. Apparently, I'm a perfect candidate, as "we won't see a difference." FML

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By Anonymous

ur mom gay

Today, I pretended to be asleep when my mom and her best friend came home because I was tired as hell and I didn't want to be around them. I was then treated to a loud conversation about my mom's first time with a woman through our paper-thin walls. FML

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By sadguy - Czech Republic

Today, I decided to propose to my girlfriend on the Charles Bridge in Prague. A little boy thought it would be fun to chase a flock of pigeons towards me. I freaked out and dropped the 2 carat diamond ring. Into the river. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - North Port

Today, I was at a Christmas party when I noticed someone had taken all of the cash I had from out of my wallet. It was a family gathering. I'm related to the culprit but have no idea who it is. FML

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By Tootsy_Roll_Pop - United States

Today, I spent the whole day seeing how many licks it would take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop: 763. I'm 24. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it's my birthday. I have gotten three calls all day. The first one was my fiancé, saying he wanted his ring back. The second one was my best friend, confessing to me that she had been sleeping with my fiancé for the past three months. The third was the dentist's office singing me a happy birthday. FML

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By ShadowJack - United States

Today, my mom walked in on me masturbating. She didnt look away and we stared at each other for a while; then she asked me what I wanted from McDonalds. FML

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By Medic - United States - Puyallup

Today, at work as an EMT, I was telling a panicked patient that I would be taking her vital signs. I inadvertently said that I would be taking her vital organs. FML

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By jena

EMERGENCY

Today, my daughter called 911. Why? Because she couldn't get the images to show up on her phone. She's 12. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at my psychologist's. We were talking about creative outlets and I told him that I wanted to start playing Dungeons and Dragons again. He starts chuckling, and then says, "Oh, you were serious." FML

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By maddie - 15/5/2020 05:00

Gross

Today, while I was working the drive-thru window, a customer sneezed into his hand and then handed me his money. FML

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By kaleighf - United States - Hollywood

Today, a new girl showed up at my school and everyone really seems to be intrigued about her. I've been told at least five times today that she is the hotter version of me. FML

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By helpfulmom - Canada

Today, my mom taught my boyfriend of 2 weeks how to put on a condom. FML

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By Drew - United States - Great Falls

Today, I discovered that the neck injury that my mom has had since last week was planned just as an excuse not to shovel when today's snowstorm came. She has planned on being lazy for over a week now. FML

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By Stung - United States

Today, I found out that bees like to make hives in odd places, like in your vintage car's trunk. I also found out that they don't like it when you break their hive in half when you open the trunk to get out a spare tire. FML

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By fmljae

Today, I rented a 4x4 to take my wife to a secret secluded beach for our anniversary. I got as close as I could to the spot and parked on the beach. After a few romantic hours we returned to find the car half way up the windows with water. I forgot it was king tide. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I came home to find my entire action figure collection was gone. My parents told me I am too old for toys, so they opened all of the packages and donated them to Goodwill. I had an original Boba Fett, and my entire collection was worth more than twenty thousand dollars. FML

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By jjoker - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I went to the toilet to do a number 2. As I went to wipe, the toilet paper slipped out of my hand and I before my brain could register, I wiped my ass with my bare hand.. I also had curry the night before, so yeah. FML

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By Dumped - United States

Today, I was going on a date with my girlfriend. When I took her home, her sister came to the door. I used to date her sister and I didn't know they were related. My girlfriend realized this, then kicked me in the crotch. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Richmond

Today, by helping my sweet, caring boyfriend get over his crippling insecurities and develop some confidence, I've turned him into a lying, cheating asshole I can't stand. FML

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By scared - Canada

Today, my elderly mother explained that, "I don't need my glasses to drive, I just need them to see." FML

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By nicrus - Norway

Today, my girlfriend and her mother bought a hanger for my $2000 guitar as a birthday present. They wanted to surprise me by hanging it on the wall. They screwed it upside down, so before I came home it fell off and my guitar broke. FML

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By embarrassedhubby - Canada

Today, when I came home from work, I saw my wife in nothing but black boots and a Santa hat. My boss and coworker were with me. I now have guys wanting to have a threesome with us. FML

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By ShayanFCB - United States

Today, my boss was angry at me because I had filed a complaint about him refusing to change our phone service to something more reliable. Later, a customer called him and said I had hung up on him. I got fired. I didn't hang up on the customer, the phone service just dropped the call. FML

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41910

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By dumbass

Today, I emailed my fiancé the assignment that I was handed for a journalism job interview, asking for him to take a look and give opinions about it. I accidentally e-mailed it to the job interviewer. She responded, and even CCed it to the CEO. FML

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By immature - United Kingdom - Reading

Today, in astronomy class, a kid used Uranus in a hilarious innuendo. I was the only one who laughed. I also happen to be the teacher. FML

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By Username

Today, I updated my facebook status as "lost all contacts, need numbers". My mom commented saying "her phone didn't get reset, she just doesn't have any friends". Her comment got 32 likes. FML

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By Eww - United States - Salem

Today, a girl puked on me. No warnings, nothing. She just threw up on me, then walked off like nothing even happened. FML

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43913

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my parents scoured my browser history, certain that I have a hidden Facebook account that I'm using to get up to no good. Their reasoning was that there's no way my only friends are my relatives and that all I can post about is about the weather. FML

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By badbed - United Kingdom

Today, I had a friend over. We found my older brother's camera so decided to look through his photos but then we came across photos of him and his girlfriend having sex. We were laughing up until my friend decided to point out that they were having sex on my bed. FML

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By Anonymous - Egypt

Today, my non-English-speaking grandma bought me a new t-shirt. It would've been sweet if it didn't have the word "bondage" written on the back in pretty, bold letters. I had no choice but to wear it while we went shopping. FML

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By worstfatherever - United States

Today, I came home after having traveled abroad for the last two months. Before I left, I'd asked my dad to take care of my fish, and he promised they'd be safe with him. I found them all decomposing. FML

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33930

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By Anonymous - United States - Tallahassee

Today, my teacher's comments on my essay read, "I know it's college, but you use a lot of unnecessary words with a lot of syllables." He basically scolded me for having a complex vocabulary. I go to an accredited state university. Nothing says "America" like under-achieving professors. FML

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By depressed - United States - Hull

Today, I finally told my dad about how I've been diagnosed with clinical depression. He began to recite a commercial for depression meds, but he couldn't finish because he was overwhelmed with laughter. FML

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37108

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By Anonymous - Canada - Sault Sainte Marie

Today, some guys were doing construction on my house, when one of them came over and started asking me about my "hot sister". That "sister" is my 13-year-old daughter. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was pulled over by the cops for a random breathalyzer test. They asked to see my license. I always keep my wallet in my car for situations like this. I received a $100 ticket because my mum apparently didn’t think it was a good idea to keep my wallet in the car. FML

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Top comments

By rhiannahoward14 | 19

#6305393 - Saturday 30 May 2015 9:13

Your name... "Probably single"...
You should DEFINITELY be single and YOU should be the one to end it.

By kameron018 | 18

#6305382 - Saturday 30 May 2015 9:07

Sorry to hear that OP. Have a good time without her somewhere else!

COMMENTS

By kameron018 | 18

#6305382 - Saturday 30 May 2015 9:07

Sorry to hear that OP. Have a good time without her somewhere else!

scyth3s | 13

#6305463 - Saturday 30 May 2015 11:31

This comment has a blindingly bright outlook on things.

R2Y2 | 22

#6305640 - Saturday 30 May 2015 17:20

Probably should have a good time without her somewhere else....forever. OP I smell foul play.

ScarredVox92 | 16

#6305866 - Saturday 30 May 2015 23:03

yeah, no. there would be no relationship, if OP has any sense.

By Kurby14 | 21

#6305384 - Saturday 30 May 2015 9:09

what a bitch

By itschrissy_16 | 16

#6305385 - Saturday 30 May 2015 9:09

This is so awful. Poor you...

By _parth | 20

#6305392 - Saturday 30 May 2015 9:13

Now is perfect time to go on a vacation for yourself!! And also to break up with her, if you haven't already!!

By rhiannahoward14 | 19

#6305393 - Saturday 30 May 2015 9:13

Your name... "Probably single"...
You should DEFINITELY be single and YOU should be the one to end it.

WCARlover | 34

#6305400 - Saturday 30 May 2015 9:14

Exactly what I went to comment. OP if you weren't the one to dump her you done goofed

jackipdoc | 31

#6305449 - Saturday 30 May 2015 10:17

EXACTLY! No one should be okay with that I can't imagine it not being a definite

iwadasn | 32

#6305883 - Saturday 30 May 2015 23:34

I'm guessing the girlfriend wanted to end things and this was her horrible way of doing it.

By dractheripper | 11

#6305396 - Saturday 30 May 2015 9:14

At least you know now that she's a cunt and that you deserve better? Chin up, OP. Get out there and find someone sweet for you.

By Stillo | 25

#6305398 - Saturday 30 May 2015 9:14

Ex gf * you mean :)

By WellThatWasRude | 27

#6305409 - Saturday 30 May 2015 9:20

Your girlfriend? I think you should make her your ex-girlfriend. Dump her and find someone who deserves your love, OP.

By ColonelCusswords | 24

#6305415 - Saturday 30 May 2015 9:23

Maybe youll get some photos ?

kendallm505050 | 12

#6305709 - Saturday 30 May 2015 19:23

Why would you even comment that?

ColonelCusswords | 24

#6305846 - Saturday 30 May 2015 22:07

Because i am a terrible person

Morning_fml | 22

#6306323 - Sunday 31 May 2015 9:08

That was brutally honest and made this mishap more hilarious.

By amileah13 | 26

#6305423 - Saturday 30 May 2015 9:30

I guess maybe now you're the ex boyfriend?